Perkins808

I too questioned why God didn't answer my prayers. When we were in the ambulance on the way to the hospital (I was allowed to ride in the front while they worked so hard on Jeff in the back), I prayed for God to save Jeff. Please don't take my Jeff from me, please save him......and yet he died. I was so angry, why weren't my prayers answered?? And then the next day I looked up ventricular fibrilation on the computer, I looked up cardiac arrest - and what I found? That brain damage sets in probably about 4 minutes after ventricular fibrilation hits, that if the heart is not shocked almost immediately the damage to the brain can be catastrophic. Then another day went by and I received a phone call from Jeff's oncologist from Dana Farber. After explaining the details of what happened the night he died, the oncologist felt certain that Jeff's cancer....although the tumor in his esophagus was completely gone, had most likely spread to his brain and that had caused a brain bleed which led to the v.f. and then cardiac arrest. He went on to explain that cancer of this type that spreads to the brain can be very destructive and very painful. So it hit me. God DID answer my prayers. He saved Jeff that night. He saved him from the brain damage he would have most likely suffered if they had been able to bring him back. He saved him from withering away from the cancer. He saved him from the pain he would have ultimately suffered. I sit here in tears now thinking about it. I am so grateful that he didn't suffer anymore than he had already. So I think that God did answer my prayers....just not in the way that I thought he would. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Brian, I think we have all fantasized about "that magic pill" that would make all this so much easier. Don't be too hard on yourself - I don't think any of us here can say we haven't had our own little pity party! Hugs, Tammy

Hi Melina, I have also experienced these panic attacks.....with mine I feel like there is a huge weight on my chest and I just can't take a deep enough breath, I can't get enough air. I've had episodes that have lasted for many hours and I was truly convinced I was losing my mind. After one particularly bad day I went to the Health Journeys website: http://www.healthjourneys.com/ (Carol Ann had recommended it a while back) and I found a guided imagery CD by Belleruth Naparstek that does the trick for me. She has a very soothing voice and I find myself so focused on it that I am able to calm myself down. I also use it on nights that I'm having trouble falling asleep. When Jeff first died I couldn't sleep at all. My Dr. gave me a prescription but I hated that "hangover" feeling I'd have the next day. The CD does the trick, and no side effects! I hope you take comfort in the fact that you are not the only one to experience this and that you find something that does the trick for you. Hugs, Tammy

Right before Jeff died he decided that I needed to learn how to drive his Jeep....it's a standard and I had never driven it before. Well, he only got one opportunity to take me out to teach me as he died a couple of weeks later. A month after he died I made it my mission to learn how to drive that stupid Jeep. It had been sitting in the driveway unused...a constant reminder that Jeff was gone, and I just felt the need to conquer it. I grabbed my daughter's boyfriend and said let's go - YOU are now going to teach me how to drive this thing. Yes, I stalled several times...and it will probably be a while before I drive anywhere where there is traffic OR hills (Fall River is out Harry! lol) but I can say that I did it. I somehow find peace in driving around with the top down, and now it's a reminder of my many rides with Jeff. Some days we would leave early in the morning and not come home until dark - just spending the day driving around...no particular destination, just waiting to see what we'd come across. So today I am grateful that I didn't get rid of Jeff's Jeep and that I learned how to drive it. I feel so close to him when the I'm driving around with the top off and the wind blowing through my hair - almost like Jeff is whispering - Great job Babe, I'm right here with you! Hugs, Tammy

Hi Brian, I think there are more people than you are aware of, I think they just don't post anything. They draw comfort from just reading what the others have posted? I know every once in a while a name will pop up that I haven't seen before and they announce that they've been a member for a while....so it's not that there aren't a lot of people here, it's just that posting things online isn't for everyone. Me? I find comfort in posting my own personal experiences and getting feedback from everyone.....but that's me. Everyone grieves in there own way. Rest assured that there is nothing wrong with you.....because if there is something wrong with you, then there must be something wrong with me too! Hugs, Tammy

Happy Birthday to you Melina! I hope at some point today you are touched by something....a soft breeze, the chirping of the birds, something to remind you that your husband is still with you in spirit. Hugs, Tammy

Only our friends here would understand - how we could be standing in the middle of a crowded room, and still feel so all alone. I have two teenage girls and a great group of friends that have been wonderfully supportive - but they will never be able to take away the emptiness that Jeff's death has created. Sometimes we just need the comfort that we can only get from talking to people who are going through the exact same things that we now find ourselves facing. So, you maybe be feeling lonely....but you are definitely not alone. Hugs, Tammy

Thank you for this Kayc, I think we could all use this reminder! Hugs, Tammy

Hi Dave, Your post reminded me of this quote: "You never know how strong you CAN be....until you HAVE to be." I've been at this grief thing for 10 months and whenever I respond to someone new in the group I tell them this - be patient with yourself, give yourself credit for every little accomplishment every day - even if it's just managing to get out of bed, and what I think is the most important....allow yourself to feel everything you are feeling. You will face many ups and downs in the coming months. On some days you will feel like you are not making any progress, but sometimes the progress is so slight that you won't notice. Then months down the road you will look back and say wow, look how far I've come. Take care, Tammy

I am the type of person who loves to take pictures. There is hardly ever a time that I don't have my camera with me - people always grumble when I announce it's time to take some pictures. I think they finally give in and strike a pose because they know I'm relentless and will just continue to hound them until they smile! But guess what? Now I have all these wonderful pictures of my husband and our whole family to look back on. So today I am grateful that they - and Jeff especially, humored me and smiled. Hugs, Tammy

Younggranne, Welcome to the club that nobody wants to belong to. When I joined this group 10 months ago I had no idea what to expect from everyone here, and I had no idea what exactly I was even looking for. I just knew that I felt so all alone and needed to find some way to deal with what is such an overwhelming thing to go through. You have found a wonderful group of people - we come from all walks of life, we all have our own unique ways of dealing with things....but we are all tied together by the common thread - we have lost someone that meant the world to us. We can't take your pain away, but sometimes it helps to know that you are not the only one going through all of the things associated with the grief process. I am reminded again of this quote: "Grief is neither a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It's the price we pay for love" I hope you are able to find some comfort here. Hugs, Tammy

I have had those same feelings. I thought it was because I only had 4 years with Jeff - and my relationship with him was so incredible that when I think back on it now I wonder how it could possibly have been real?! I think for me it had a lot to do with feeling like I was walking around in a fog. Everything seemed like a dream....or a nightmare for that matter. When I started to come out of the "fog", it wasn't easy to distinguish between what was real and what was a dream. I am only a few months ahead of you - Jeff has been gone for 10 months. What I have found is that as more time passes, the easier it is to recall memories. There is more clarity to my memories - and I can only conclude that maybe I am better prepared emotionally to handle these memories now, so they come easier. Hugs, Tammy

For Jeff's services we played a song by Nick Lachey - Ordinary Day. It was actually a song that Jeff and I had seen performed on an Oprah episode a few years ago, it was made to go along with a Mitch Albom book - For One More Day. Of course when it came out we had no idea that Jeff was going to be diagnosed with cancer.....but I remember the discussion we had after we heard the song. That if anything ever happened to either one of us, it would be the "ordinary" days that we would miss the most. And wow, that couldn't be more true. My daughter also put together a slideshow to this song and posted it on youtube, I think I had posted it a while back.

Brian, I am so sorry that this happened to your son - but so thankful that he wasn't hurt! Hugs, Tammy

Today I have SO much to be grateful for....I got the phone call that every parent dreads, my daughter crying hysterically telling me that she had just gotten in an accident. SO grateful that nobody was hurt. The front end of her car sustained some pretty good damage - a car pulled right out in front of her. When I got there (probably just 10 minutes after it happened) she was still pretty shaken up so I asked her to sit in the front passenger seat of her car. She struggled to get the door open because the front panel was buckled - when I leaned over to help her what I spotted gave me goosebumps. In the inside of the car, resting in the little groove in the door above the door handle.....was a penny. I had gone to see a medium a few months back and he told me that the pennies that I find are signs from Jeff and I was stunned because I had started collecting them after Jeff died - I find them in the oddest places. So I fully believe that my daughter had her guardian angel with her today! Now the other thing that I am grateful for - I met Harry (HAP) today. I knew he would be at the Relay for Life cancer walk - so my girls and I went. Harry - it was very nice meeting you today. I left before the memorial lap, I knew it would be too hard for me to stay for it.....but I hope you found the strength to make it through. I applaud you!! Hugs, Tammy

Hi Becky, I have found that it is always best to plan ahead for events that may become emotional. I myself attended my uncle's wedding a couple of months after Jeff died. I knew it was going to be hard but I decided to go anyway.....but I made sure that I had a plan in place. I wasn't as involved in the wedding as you will be at your sons, but their wedding was really small so I tried to plan accordingly. Make sure that you have an escape plan....just in case you need to duck out for a few minutes to collect yourself. You are right - they WILL understand! Most of the time if you plan ahead and allow yourself to feel everything (whether ahead of time or in the moment) you will be able to get through it....sometimes even with a smile on your face! I wish you all the best! Tammy

I think because I got all of my emotions out in the morning (and with some encouragement from my friends here!), I was fine by the time I got home to help her get ready. I think I just needed a reminder that although Jeff is not here physically....he is ALWAYS here in spirit, and he is ALWAYS in my heart! And to answer your question Brian - they had a great time at the prom!

Today I am grateful that I was able to get all my emotions out of my system before I got home to help my daughter get ready for the prom. When it came time to take pictures, the kids actually made me laugh. They ARE what has gotten me through so many of my rough days.

So today is my daughter's boyfriends prom. I'll be leaving work in a couple of hours to go home and help my daughter get "beautiful" for the event.....but right now I'm sitting at my desk in tears. Last year at this time we were out in the backyard taking prom pictures, Jeff standing behind me making faces to make the kids laugh. I'm going to try to get all my tears out now - so that I don't ruin it for her later. One thing I've learned through this process - I've gotten pretty good at hiding emotions! Hugs, Tammy

Today I am grateful for my bereavement group that met tonight. It's kind of a spin off of the original group I had joined shortly after Jeff died....that one met every week for a couple of months, this one meets just once a month. There are 7 or 8 of us....and they are all very good listeners, and I know they can all personally relate to the things I am going through. It's nice to get together face to face - we have a good cry, some laughter - and then we walk away feeling a little more at peace. It's very much like everyone here - only the hugs are more personal! Hugs, Tammy

I found Belleruth Naparstek's guided imagery CD's on this website.....and I have to say, she has the most calming soothing voice ever. I have one CD that I use when I have trouble falling asleep (I quickly learned that taking pills was not for me) and then I have another CD that is just very calming. I would highly recommend them!

Hi Becky, Like you and your husband Randy, my husband Jeff and I were determined to face cancer with as much positive as we could. I'm not sure about your husbands circumstances, but Jeff was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer....terminal. We knew the reality that we were dealing with.....we just chose not to be "doom and gloom" about it. (his words) Jeff had met with an attorney and had his will drawn up....but because his treatments were going so well he wasn't in any rush to follow up and sign it. In hind sight, that was a huge mistake as Jeff died from cardiac arrest....two weeks after being told that the chemo and radiation had gotten rid of the tumor in his esophagus completely. I choose not to beat myself up about the choices that we made - they worked for us at the time.....so my advice for you is the same. Please don't beat yourself up over this.....cancer has got to be one of the most horrible difficult things anyone will ever have to deal with. Whatever way you and your husband chose to deal with it - it worked for you at the time. I will also share this with you. Yes I wrote in the beginning paragraph that Jeff was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was pretty easy to type, it was our reality that we accepted. About 6 months after he died I was laying in bed one night thinking about some conversations that he and I had had throughout his battle. We were always so positive about everything....yet I thought back on some of his actions and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh my God....Jeff knew he was going to die. Then I stopped.....of course he knew he was going to die you idiot, we both knew that! Yes, in my mind I knew he had terminal cancer...but in my heart I had hope that he'd live forever. So hard to explain this - as much as we lived only with positive thoughts, deep down we knew what we were dealing with. I am willing to bet that your husband knew as well....and maybe it was HIS way of dealing with it too, not putting it into words made it easier for him AND you to deal with it? I'm not sure if any of this makes sense to you - it's not easy to put such an emotional topic into words and have it make logical sense. But my whole point is - be kind to yourself....cut yourself some slack. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Marc, Welcome to the club that nobody wants to belong to. I too lost my husband to cancer in July of 2010. Yes, you are right - we all face some of the same challenges, and we all handle them in our own ways. You have to find a way that works for you. Everyone here comes from different circumstances, but we are all bound by a common thread - we lost someone that meant the world to us. People will offer up their stories and advice here, and you are given a wonderful opportunity - you can take the advice if it works for you.....or you can read on until you find something that you CAN relate too. Anger - my least favorite of all the emotions. Angry at God for taking my husband, angry when people complain that their husband didn't cut the grass, angry that cancer exists.....on some days for brief moments my anger seems overwhelming. When I am angry I feel like I have lost control....and I'd honestly rather cry a bucket of tears than to feel that way. Is it part of the "normal" grieving process? Absolutely....whatever "normal" means. I just don't like it, and luckily it doesn't happen too often. What I do like? That no matter what emotion I am having, I can share it here. Someone can always relate and sometimes it's just the boost I need to get through my day. As far as "getting over it"? Ten months to get over it? I don't think we ever get over it. I think we learn to live with our loss, slowly but surely. I think we will find a new normal, and learn to live all over again. That is my hope anyway. Hugs, Tammy

Today I am grateful to have a brother who is so handy. He takes care of all of the things that Jeff used to, the things that I can't do myself. I am attaching a picture of the shed that he's building for me - it's almost done! I think Jeff would love it! Hugs, Tammy

Today my parents had a cookout.....and I am grateful that not only was I able to spend the day with them, but also with Jeff's parents, my 80 year old grandmother and of course all of us kids and our kids. It still feels kind of weird going to "family" functions without my man right by my side....but I am thankful that I still have my family AND his family to share things with. I know not everyone is that lucky and I feel truly blessed. I hope everyone has been able to enjoy the weekend. Hugs, Tammy