Perkins808

I second that Carol Ann - you go girl! I applaud the courage that you have displayed.....in taking this to court, and then in sharing all of it with us. I think you knew in your heart that we would not judge, and that we would be here to offer you encouragement. I hope that you will be able to put all of this behind you and carry on in your journey....to find the peace you so deserve. Hugs, Tammy

When I got home today I went out in the backyard and sat on the swing where Jeff and I used to spend many afternoons talking about our hopes and dreams. I could hear the birds chirping away. I could smell the fresh cut grass. I could feel the warm sunshine on my face. I could see that the Japanese Irises were now all in full bloom. I was amazed by the beauty of all these things when Jeff was sitting by my side......and I am grateful to say that even now, all these things still bring me so much peace and contentment. It lasted for about 10 minutes, and then one of my teenage daughters spotted me and came out to sit with me.....and ask when we were going to the mall?! Sigh. I should really think about putting that swing somewhere harder to find! Hugs, Tammy

I came across this quote today: "I hope that my achievements in life shall be these-that I will have fought for what was right and fair, that I will have risked for that which mattered, and that I will have given help to those who were in need that I will have left the earth a better place for what I've done and who I've been." It got me thinking. I only had 4 short years with my husband. We hadn't even been married a year when he died. It took me 36 years (and one failed marriage) to finally find my true love....and then he was taken away from me. I often find myself wondering why God would give me the most amazing gift, only to take it away. Jeff and I were always firm believers in everything happens for a reason. While I can't wrap my head around a reason for Jeff dying, I can only guess that I am still here on earth because somehow my work here isn't done. I know it's going to take a bit to figure out.....but I'd really like to move away from merely "existing" as I have been since Jeff died, and really find a purpose to my life now. Anyone else going through this?? Tammy

Baby steps Sad. Be patient with yourself.....and be proud of the little accomplishments! Hugs, Tammy

Hi Pinkpony, I'm not sure how I missed your original post, but I did. I think it takes baby steps.....just to get used to being out there again. I am so glad that your trip was such a positive experience! Hugs, Tammy

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you, Till it seems as though you could not hang on a minute longer, Never give up then, For that is just the place and time that the tide will turn." Sad, I thought of you when I read this.....actually it could apply to any of us here who have lost someone that means the world to them and is so overwhelmed by their grief. This grief journey is NOT an easy thing.....no one here will ever tell you that it is. It is the hardest thing you will ever go through. BUT, it is something you will get through. Slowly. At such a slow pace you will not see it happening, until months go by and you look back and realize - wow, look how far I have come. I lost my husband Jeff 10 months ago. He was my world. My best friend, the love of my life, the one person on this earth who understood me without me ever having to explain myself. We spent every second of every day together....and when he died my world was turned upside down. I look back at where I was 10 months ago and I am amazed at the progress I have made. And if you had told me then that I would be where I am now? I would never have believed you. Everyone deals with things in their own way, and I would ever tell anyone how to deal with their grief. But my advice to you? Hang on......hang on to all of your wonderful memories of Margaret, hang on to the fact that all of your animals NEED you to be around to take care of them....but most important - hang onto the hope that life WILL get better for you. I truly believe that this is true for all of us. Hugs, Tammy

Today I am grateful that this thread is still going. I sign on everyday looking forward to hearing everyone's positive stories.....it is truly uplifting. Yes, I read and post to the other threads. Through them I feel I am not alone, I've learned to be more patient with myself and to allow this process to unfold in front of me without trying to rush through it. Thank you to all my friends here.....it's good to know that whether I am having a hard time or have a happy story to share, someone here is always listening. Hugs, Tammy p.s. - Another thing I am so amazingly grateful for - my girls. "My World!"

Darl ~ I can relate to what you are saying. My husband has been gone for 10 months.....and it seems like all the things that would have brought us joy are now sad reminders that he is gone. I too am so much better than I was 10 months ago, but it seems like I'm kind of plodding through life just waiting for this fog to clear. Maybe it will? I am holding onto the hope that life IS going to get better! Hugs, Tammy

Today I am so grateful because for the first time since Jeff died.....I had a dream about him. In my dream I was asking him why he had been gone - and his response to me was that he didn't want to cause me any pain. I was able to take his face in my hands and look into his eyes....and tell him that he would never cause me pain, that I love him more than anything and him visiting me in my dreams was such a comfort to me. I woke up this morning with a huge sense of peace.....reminded again that Jeff will always be with me. Peace and hugs to you all, Tammy

Mrs. B. ~ What a wonderful idea! I know for me, whenever I hear people's stories about my husband it's like I'm given a new memory of him. I hope tonight all your tears ARE happy tears! Hugs, Tammy

So yesterday I was doing some housework and had the tv on in the background. Oprah was on - one of her final shows....and Rascall Flats was performing. Now I'm not a big country music fan but it caught my attention, and although I wasn't really paying attention to it I found myself wondering today what the song was because the tune was still running through my head. I'm not sure if anyone has heard this song - but I looked it up on youtube and when I put the head phones on and really listened to it I was stunned. It is such a sweet song - and I could almost imagine my Jeff singing it to me from Heaven. It has had a huge effect on me - reminding me that when I am down I just need to remember that I will never be alone....he will always be with me. In case anyone wants to listen - here's the link: So today, I am grateful for this song....and the reminder that Jeff is always with me. Hugs, Tammy

I woke up to another dreary day.....and again decided that I would fight to find some happiness today. Some days seem to be so much easier than others but I really think if you stay focused, you can always find even the slightest thing to feel good about. Today I ran into a student with autism in the hallway - he seemed a little more excited than usual....when I asked how he was doing he gave me a big grin. In his hand he had a red pencil....when I gave his teacher a puzzled look she explained that he had found it on the floor in the hallway and was very excited to be able to keep it. A red pencil....and he looked like he had just found a million dollars. So today, I smile.....because of a red pencil. I hope you all are able to find some peace today. Hugs, Tammy

I have never said goodbye. I think because I still spend so much time thinking about Jeff and talking to him - in my head and out loud, that I don't feel the need to actually say goodbye? I say do whatever works for you! And Dwayne - I just read that you're from Massachusetts too. This weather certainly doesn't help the spirits does it? I was so grateful for the sunshine yesterday.....to kind of recharge the batteries in preparation for another rainy week!

Today I am grateful to a family friend who not only cut down two huge dead pine trees that I was worried would fall on my house - but he also milled them so that the wood can be used to build a shed to replace the temporary one that collapsed over the winter. My brother will start building the shed this week - I had always teased Jeff that when the permanent shed was built we were going to name it "Manland"......now I need to come up with a name for it that will honor Jeff. <3

Sad, I don't think you will find anyone here who has lost a loved one and didn't wish at one point or another that they were with them. I will tell you that it takes a lot of strength to get through this grief process, and even when you feel like you are at your weakest - you will eventually look back and realize how strong you really were. I read this quote - You never know how strong you CAN be....until you HAVE to be. I think that applies to all of us. Every day I try to accomplish something.....when I was at the beginning of my grief journey sometimes my only accomplishment was getting out of bed - but looking back? I am amazed that I was even able to do that, but I did it. Please be kind to yourself - and give yourself credit for any accomplishment, no matter how big or small. I hope you find some peace - and something to grasp onto to get you through this journey. When you are feeling alone - know that you have friends here. Hugs, Tammy

Anne ~ I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. Know that you are in our thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Tammy

Well today the hospice group that my bereavement group is affiliated with held a memorial service for all of our loved ones. My two girls went with me - it was a very simple, touching ceremony......and at the end we all gathered outside (yay, the sun was shining!) and they released some beautiful butterflies. It reminded me of the balloon release we had done for Jeff's birthday - absolutely breathtaking! Hugs! Tammy

My happiness for today - the sun finally made an appearance! I got to cut the grass AND take the dogs for a walk. I've begun to realize - it's the small things in life that make me happy.

I just walked in the door about 10 minutes ago and I'm exhausted - but something told me to sign on the computer. Tonight was my daughters band/chorus concert and I always look forward to them. Our high school has a lot of talent and I am always blown away. Well, thanks to them I have my own gratitude/inspiration/elevation story. I am the assistant to the special education director in our district - on a daily basis I get to interact with our special needs students. I see how much they just want to fit in with everyone else, and tonight for the first time some of them performed in the chorus. Our chorus is fantastic - they've won awards all over the state and always put on a good show. They started singing Bridge Over Troubled Waters and I could feel the tears coming......and then there was a slight pause in the music. A boy with Down's Syndrome and severe hearing impairment started belting out a portion of the song solo, and when the rest of the chorus was supposed to join back in they were all cheering so loudly for him that we could barely hear them singing. The acceptance, the tolerance and understanding was so overwhelming - I was so proud of all of them. Thank you all for sharing your thoughts - I AM uplifted! Hugs, Tammy

Good morning all. I woke up today - day 5 of no sunshine, with probably another 3 days before the sun will shine in my area again. Probably not a good thing when you are already feeling down.....but today for some reason I woke up ready to shake all the sadness and try to grasp onto just a little positive - with the hopes that it will expand into maybe some happiness again?? So I am going back to a thought that someone had put into my head a few weeks after Jeff had died. Everyday try to think of one positive in your life. Think of at least one thing that you are grateful for. Of course at first it's never easy - but I for one have discovered that when I am focused on something that I am grateful for, I am less likely to dwell on all the negative things in my life. So today, on this rainy gloomy day - I will try to stay focused on the positives in my life. I am grateful that I won't have to water my lawn for a while?? Sorry, couldn't resist a little humor. Seriously though - I am truly grateful that I have been blessed with two wonderful teenage daughters and that being married to Jeff brought two wonderful teenage stepdaughters into my life. I am also grateful for my two dogs - Buddy, my yellow lab and Freckles, my rat terrier.....who even when no one else notices that I've walked through the door at the end of the day - they always come running with tails wagging ready to give me lots of puppy kisses. For all my friends here - I hope you find just one thing today that makes you smile. Hugs, Tammy

Oh Kayc, I am so sorry. Doesn't it always seem like when it rains, it pours?? I too feel that everything is a temporary situation and yes, this too shall pass. It's just somehow surviving in the moment that is hard. Keep your chin up and try to find a reason to smile every day - we're all here to emotionally support you! Hugs, Tammy

Thank you for all of your responses. I think we can all agree that you can never have "enough" time with your loved one.....whether we were with them 4 years or 40 years....whether they went quickly or whether we knew that their life was going to be cut short. I know I could have been with my Jeff for 100 years, and I would have wanted more. Yes - I am thankful to have known him, thankful for every second I had with him and thankful for having a love with him that I've never known in my lifetime. I came across this quote - and how fitting it is. "Grief is neither a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith. It's the price we pay for love." Hugs to you all, Tammy

It has been 10 months since my dear sweet husband's death and life has gone on. I get out of bed every day, I go to work. There's always something to do in the house, in the yard.....there's the kids, the dogs, the cars. I celebrate holidays....mostly for the girls, trying to keep life as close to normal as possible for them. We have parties for birthdays....I've just finished cleaning up from my youngest daughters Sweet 16 birthday party. Reality hits me every day, but I think it hits the most when I'm surrounded by all my family and friends and yet still feel so all alone. Oh how I miss that one special hug I will never feel again, the sweet looks from across a crowded room that always made me feel like we were the only two there......and the wonderful way he would always manage to sneak up behind me at some point during the day and whisper I love you no matter how busy we were. I was told by a very close friend the other day that when I am feeling down, I should think about how grateful I am to have known the love that I had with Jeff.....that not a lot of people ever find someone and have the connection that Jeff and I had. I know that she loves me and is only trying to help, but I couldn't help thinking that this would be the advice that I would get from someone who has not lost the most important person in their life and had their life turned upside down. Of course I am grateful for every second I had with Jeff, of course I am grateful to have shared such an incredible love with him...it's just really hard sometimes to smile when at that very moment it feels like someone has taken a knife to your heart. In case I haven't said it lately - I am so grateful to everyone in this group. It always feels good to vent and let these things out knowing that either there will be others who have gone through the same thing or someone will offer some words of wisdom that will center me once again. Hugs, Tammy

Thank you everyone for your replies. No, it doesn't make my memory any better.....but it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one going through this! I actually started back up with my local bereavement group tonight. This is a follow up "drop in" group that will meet once a month. It was nice to reconnect with some familiar faces who are going through the same things I am. Yes, I have a great group of everyday friends who support me.....but it doesn't compare to a group of people that are in the same boat that I am in. Like everyone in this online group my bereavement group is made up of a wonderful bunch of people from all walks of life.....and also like here, there is never any judgment. Every day I try to think of at least one thing to be grateful for.....and today, I am grateful for all of you! Hugs, Tammy

So it's been 9 months since my dear sweet husband died. There have been so many things to deal with, so many changes. I've gone through so many of griefs ups and downs.....endured so many of the symptoms of grief. By far the one that is bothering me the most these days is the total lack of memory. I see the look of disappointment on my 15 year old daughters face when she brings up a subject that clearly I don't have any recollection of having already discussed. Both my girls have taken to writing things down on a calendar because they know I won't remember day to day. I will walk upstairs to get something, get to the top of the stairs and not have a clue why I'm up there. I make a list of things to get at the store, and then I forget the list at home. I think the wake up call for me was Sunday when I put the teapot on to make myself a tea.....and a half hour later my daughter yelled to me in the front yard where I was doing some gardening - to tell me that all the water had boiled away and the teapot was now a scorched mess. I am 40 years old and feel like I have lost my mind. Jeff is ALWAYS on my mind....probably so much so that I don't have room for anything else that I should be thinking about! Please tell me that others are going through this - and I'm not really losing my mind! Hugs, Tammy