Perkins808

First I want to start out by telling you how sorry I am that you are now part of this club that nobody wants to be part of. I lost my husband 9 months ago today - and there are still days that I can't imagine my life without him.....yet I have been living without him all this time. I came across this quote a while back - and it seems so fitting for us....."Anybody can ask how you are, but a true friend will actually stick around and wait for the answer." I myself have a few true friends that know how I'm really doing. Everybody else gets the "I'm doing ok" - because they really don't want to know that I still cry myself to sleep at night, or that certain songs come on the radio and break my heart, or that when I see a couple walking along holding hands it makes me want to scream because the man that I used to LOVE holding hands with is gone. My best advice for you - come here often, whether it's just to read what others have been through, whether it's to vent about what makes you angry, whether it's to pour out all the things that make you sad.....or when the time comes (and it will) share the things that bring a smile to your face again. There is no judgment here - we all come from different circumstances, different backgrounds.....but we all share the common pain of losing someone so very dear to us. You will find that everyone grieves in their own way - and there is no wrong way. Do what works for you and be patient with yourself. Whatever you are feeling - sadness, anger, fear....it's all normal. We all feel it, we're all living it. I can tell you that it will get better - I just can't tell you when. There is no timetable that everyone fits on.....you set your own pace and have to do what works for you. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs, Tammy

So I looked at the calendar this morning and was hit with a memory. A year ago my dear sweet husband brought home a big bouquet of flowers - and when I asked what the occasion was he explained that it was our 6 month wedding anniversary......and wanted me to have flowers on that day just in case he wasn't here for our one year anniversary. I don't think there is a better example of bittersweet than that moment. It's been 9 months since Jeff died.....I certainly have many more good days than bad, but sometimes a memory will sneak up on me and take my breath away. The emotions can still be overwhelming at times, but I've made it this far.....I guess that's a good thing?? I wish nothing but peace and happiness for you all - this is not an easy journey. Be kind to yourselves and just take one thing at a time. Hugs, Tammy

After procrastinating for months - I finally met with the accountant last night to get my taxes done. I had put it off for so long because I knew that I would be itemizing medical expenses and I would need to sit down with my calendar for last year and really look at how many times we were back and forth to the hospitals for chemo and radiation....and I would be forced to go over in detail everything we went through last year. Well, I finally got it done, had the accountant file the returns electronically and walked out of the office with a sense of relief that at least THAT was done and over with - and the bonus, my tax return this year would ease some of the financial burden that comes with now managing a household with one income. Well...my relief was short-lived. I got a call from the accountant today informing me that my return was rejected - someone has already filed a return with my deceased husbands social security number. Sigh. Why did I think anything was going to be easy?? So now I need to go back and meet with the accountant so that we can call the IRS and try to straighten this whole mess out. I have heard so many nightmare stories about fighting identity theft - so I'm not even going to fool myself into thinking that this is going to be an easy thing to fix. Has anyone else had to deal with this??

Sundays are hard for me as well - I used to make my husband Jeff coffee and we would cuddle in bed and watch home improvement shows on TV until we had decided what to do with the rest of our day. When we found out Jeff had stage 4 cancer I had told Jeff that if anything every happened to him, it would be those simple moments that I would miss the most, and they definitely are. I'm not sure if it's like this for everyone - but Sundays seem to be such a "family" day.....and a huge part of MY family is gone. Eight months has gone by and it has gotten easier, but I can definitely relate to how you're feeling! Hugs, Tammy

Today I decided to take a look back on my posts.....from the beginning. I am including my first, which I posted 4 months ago - two months after my husband Jeff died: Nine months ago my fiance Jeff (my soulmate, my bestfriend) was diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer. We got married, had a beautiful wedding that we managed to put together in four days and then three days later he started chemo and radiation. He responded so fantastically that at the end of June we were told that the tumor in his esophagus was gone. We were still cherishing the great news when on July 18th, Jeff went into cardiac arrest while we were watching a movie and died at the age of 45. I was devastated to say the least.....the emotional roller coaster we had been on for almost a year was overwhelming. We were just finishing up his last rounds of treatments and were looking forward to enjoying some "normal" life that didn't include weekly trips to Dana-Farber. How cruel life can be! Now it's been two months and I still feel lost. I think the worst feeling is that I don't feel like I belong anywhere anymore - not even home. I keep myself busy to the point of exhaustion so that I don't dwell on being so all alone. I never did alone well.....and I was lucky enough to have found a man who loved spending as much time with me as I did with him. We spent every minute we could together, and never tired of each other. Unfortunately as much as I enjoyed it while he was here, it makes now so much harder. I have been to so many grief sights looking for something positive to latch onto, and I find this site to be so much more positive than other sites I've seen. I don't want to dwell on negativity, I want to grow, I want to be positive.....it's how we lived when Jeff was here, it's how he'd want me to be, it's how I want to be. I know everyone grieves in their own way, but does anyone have any advice on how to stay positive while going through this overwhelming process? When I posted this I was looking to grasp onto any little string of hope.....with the hopes that I would make it through this horrendous journey I had been forced into. I am so happy to say that I have found the positive ways to deal with things - in large part thanks to all of you and your advice and words of encouragement. I AM living my life, in a way that brings me happiness - and in the way that Jeff and I lived while he was here. I still find a reason every day to say that Life is Good.....and I think of Jeff smiling down on me when I think of all the reasons I have to feel blessed. Not to be misunderstood - I miss Jeff every day, and there are still moments where the grief is overwhelming. I still catch myself in total disbelief that he is no longer by my side, but I've accepted the fact that he is not here with me physically. He'll ALWAYS be in my heart, I will always smile when I think back on all our wonderful memories, and I have the knowledge that I am who I am today because of everything he was to me. I am a better person for having known him! I am hoping that by sharing this with you.....you will find hope that there will be happiness again. You may not even be able to register the idea right now - but you will look back someday and see how far you've come. Follow no one else's timeline.....just follow your hearts! Hugs, Tammy

I want to thank you all for your thoughts and insights. It is good to vent in the heat of the moment.....and then calm down and be able to see the big picture. I appreciate being able to do that here. I can tell you that as much as I appreciate everything that my kids did for my birthday, I am so glad it is done and over with. It's kind of sad how much stress it caused. I try to be conscious of the fact that everyone is still grieving.....but what my sister in law put my kids through was unfair. She was lucky that I was able to control my "mama bear" instincts and put a smile on my face and pretend like I didn't know about anything that was going on. Academy award for having a look of surprise on my face? Definitely.....when what I really wanted to do at that point was hide away somewhere and have myself a good cry. Ultimately I have decided that I'm going to work on my own happiness and not worry so much about everything else going on around me. I seem to spend a lot of time trying to please everyone else....and have come to the realization that I will never be able to please everyone. I keep telling myself to remember what Jeff used to say - people come in and out of your life - the really important ones are the ones that always want to be in your life.....and it isn't a whole lot of effort to keep them there. I continue on in my journey through grief.....every day gets a little better. I wish the same for all of you! Hugs, Tammy

Maybe I am hanging onto a little anger myself. Maybe if any of Jeff's family had been around when he and I were going to chemo twice a week every week.....or going to radiation daily I wouldn't have any anger. If I hadn't been the only one to hold his hand while he was getting sick from the treatments.....or the only one to take care of all his kids needs while he was exhausted. Maybe if I hadn't spent the last year and a half tiptoeing around everyone else while dealing with the fact that my husband was going to die, I would be a little more willing to see things from their point of view. Maybe if it hadn't taken 4 months for anyone in his family to come to my house to see how I was doing - while I kept hearing from different people how many "family" gatherings they were having that I wasn't even invited to.....I'd be a little more receptive. So many times while Jeff was alive I heard what an "angel" I was.....a gift to him in so many ways. And yet now that he is gone and I'm not "needed" to take care of him.....it feels like I have been kicked to the curb. I lost my husband.....and had to deal with THAT alone. They all have spouses that they can grieve with, draw support from. I guess I have just gotten to the point where I am tired of being the bigger person. Saturday was supposed to be MY day.....and again I was the bigger person and had to come up with a solution to keep everyone else happy. I guess I'm just wondering how long is the "acceptable" amount of time to be grieving.....when am I allowed to be happy? Is there a date to circle on the calendar? If they think for one second that because I spend time with another man that I am not still grieving, they are crazy. I just now have a shoulder to cry on when the tears come.

I haven't posted anything in a while. I come on every once in a while and start to write something, and then I stop. My husband Jeff died 6 months ago after fighting cancer for 9 months. The roller coaster before his death was unreal.....and the one after was even more unreal. I am posting now, ready to bare my soul.....taking the chance that I will be judged, but hoping that I won't be. I met someone a month ago. Someone who is beginning to really mean a lot to me. Steve makes me happy......he makes me smile, and yet when I am not with him it has caused me nothing but problems. This past Saturday was my 40th birthday. My husband Jeff had promised he would throw me a party and we would do it up big. In his absence, my girls decided to plan a "surprise" party for me.....and that's when the problems began. My girls know that I have been spending time with Steve so they wanted to invite him....and I had confided in Jeff's sister that I was spending time with someone, so my girls mentioned to her that they were inviting him. Well, needless to say - to my face she was very supportive, but my kids got another story. She told them they were NOT to introduce him to HER family....and perhaps he could come later after HER family was gone. Well, it became to overwhelming for my teenage daughters to handle and they confided in me what was going on. Needless to say, the "surprise" was ruined and I was now left with trying to figure out how to handle the whole situation. I am truly understanding of how difficult it would be for any of them to see me with someone new, I would never do anything to hurt anyone....but I was also left feeling like my happiness didn't really matter to anyone. I decided that my girls should have the party at 2.....and then have Steve come over at 5. My close supportive friends would still be there, and THEY would be able to meet him. While this seemed like the best solution, it also left me feeling bad that Steve couldn't be part of the original plan. He has been nothing but sweet and supportive - he lost his brother a year ago and knows somewhat about the grief that I am still dealing with. I talk openly with him about Jeff and my life before and after his death....he is such a wonderful listener and a great support for me. He is content to take things at my pace and he knows how much I truly appreciate that. I guess what it boils down to is this - after dealing with all the stress of the last couple of weeks, I am questioning who my true friends and family are. I realize that everyone grieves in their own way.....but it almost seems like they would be happier if I was curled up in a ball on the couch crying every day rather than continuing on with my life.....the way Jeff wanted me to. When your husband is diagnosed with a terminal illness, you are given the opportunity to discuss so many things - and that was one topic that we discussed repeatedly.....how if anything happened to him, he wanted me to find someone to make me happy, someone that would treat me like a princess. If my husband was still here.....I would be spending every second of every day finding happiness with him. I would do anything to have him right by my side, but as we all know - we don't get a say in the matter. What I do get a say in....is how I live my life now. I am still here.....I am still alive......and I will continue living. To my friends and family who judge? I guess I say to them - when you have lived everything I have lived through in the last 4 years....well, then you get to decide how I should be handling things now. I do not dishonor my husband by moving on.....I honor him by continuing to live, with his love and memory in my heart forever.

Good for you Carol Ann! I have come to realize that I am able to pull myself out of my sadness so much quicker when I focus my attention on somebody that has it worse......and there is always someone who has it worse than me! My kids and I are getting up early on Christmas and spending the morning volunteering at a local soup kitchen. I know it's not going to be an easy day, but I know Jeff would want us to enjoy the day....and I'm sure he will be smiling down on us, like he always is! I hope if nothing else, everyone finds peace on this holiday. Hugs, Tammy

Nats - I am so sorry for what you are going through. People don't seem to understand how much they compound a person's grief by fighting over things that they are not entitled to, especially when they themselves know what the wishes of the person who died were. Shame on them! When Jeff was diagnosed, we knew there was a good chance that he would not survive....my motives for wanting to get married immediately (we had been engaged for 11 months) were pure and simple. I loved this man more than anything, I wanted to be married before his battle began because I wanted to live under the same roof and be able to take care of him. I didn't want any of his "stuff".....because "stuff" never meant anything to me, Jeff did. I didn't even get mad when he told me what his ex said - because it couldn't have been further from the truth. Jeff and I had a love like no other and we never felt the need to even justify her remarks with a response. Kayc - the relationship that you have with your husbands ex is very similar to the relationship that I have with my ex-husbands girlfriend. It started out with us just being cordial because of MY children, but once I got to know her she became a true friend. Unfortunately, Jeff's ex never gave me a chance. I still have to bite my tongue and never confront even the most ridiculous things that she does....because she ultimately could keep me from seeing my stepdaughters. It's not easy, but I always keep the kids in mind whenever I have to deal with any situation that involves her. Thank you for your responses! Hugs, Tammy

Ok, I just need to vent. I'm not sure if any of you have had to deal with an ex-wife on top of the whole grieving process....but I have to deal with my husbands ex since the day he died. I am grateful now that I was numb for pretty much the month after Jeff died - because I had no reaction at the funeral home when his ex-wife insisted on standing next to me in the receiving line. I think back on it now and cringe that this woman (who had caused my husband great pain, cheated on him, left him and their children to go live with her new boyfriend, etc.) stood in front of his parents in that receiving line when she should have never been in the line to begin with. She waited a whole week to start hounding me for life insurance paperwork, paperwork to a 32 ft camper that her and Jeff shared. During the party we had to celebrate Jeff's birthday in October, one of Jeff's children gave me a letter Mom had written....requesting all of their Christmas ornaments back. I was heartbroken....I was still holding out hope that maybe my stepdaughters would still be able to come and decorate "our" tree like we had when their Dad was alive. My husband told me shortly after we got married that his ex-wife had called him the night before our wedding and asked him if he was sure he knew what he was doing, was he sure that he could trust me. Clearly she thought that since Jeff had just been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer that I would only be marrying him for whatever I would get if he died. What she didn't know was that he and I had talked about his will, and I was adamant that the ex-wife was to remain the beneficiary of his life insurance because he still had children that needed to be taken care of. He made it clear (but not legally binding) that the money was to be used for their education. Now I hear from my oldest stepdaughter who is a freshman in college that she had to take out sizeable student loans....and Mom has gone out and bought a brand new boat and car since Dad's death. I think of how Jeff would be reacting to all of this and all I want to do is cry. He would be crushed. I guess the final straw was yesterday when I stopped by to visit my in-laws. My mother in law told me that she had run into the ex in the grocery story. The ex asked how they were holding up and they said they had their days. She responded that she too had HER days. I couldn't help being really angry, like she had given up her right to "her days" when she kicked him to the curb. Yes, I know she is entitled to her grief....I think it just annoyed me that she was trying to get sympathy from Jeff's parents who are already having such a hard time dealing with the loss of their son. I feel like a terrible person for having all these negative thoughts about her. It is so unlike me, and I would probably never say any of this stuff out loud to anyone....but it's a comfort to write down my thoughts and share them with you. Thanks for listening! Tammy

I have seen some new people on here in the last couple of weeks and I wanted to bring this up again, because it has helped me a lot. On the days that I am feeling down, I try to find a positive, no matter how small or insignificant it may seem to someone else. Finding a positive, and holding onto that.....takes the focus off the negative. My positive? I went to a Christmas party that my neighbor had this weekend. A "grown up" party, a reason to get out of the house, a reason to get dressed up. I of course had some anxiety over it, but I forced myself to do it. I had a couple of drinks, shared some laughs...enjoyed being with happy people. My happiness lasted for a couple of hours, then the sadness hit me.....that Jeff would have loved this party, we would have had fun, and then we would have gone home and the fun would have continued. I know some people might say - "how can that be a positive when you went home alone and shed some tears missing your husband?" Well - my positive is this - for two whole hours I had a good time. For two hours I laughed and talked and ate and drank. I felt a sense of normalcy.....for two whole hours!! I think that is a huge accomplishment 5 months into the grieving process....and my hope is that the next time, the normalcy will last a little longer! Hugs, Tammy

Hi Melina, Jeff's birthday was in October and I had no idea how that day was going to be for me. Jeff never thought that his birthday was a big deal - but I always told him that the day he was born was a BIG deal for me....so we always celebrated. I didn't want this year to change. The day he was born will always be a big deal for me. He changed my life in so many ways and I will always honor him. I decided to release some balloons on that day. I wrote some special messages for him on them and then released them in the back yard. I stood out there for the longest time watching them float away - imagining them flying on up to heaven where he would see them. Of course the tears came, but the day wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be. I hope that for you today, you will be able to remember all your wonderful memories. Find a a way to honor him in your own special way.....and try to think of a reason to smile, because I am sure he is smiling down on you. Hugs, Tammy

Wow Carol Ann - I was surprised to read your post. I ordered some Christmas cards through the American Cancer Society - you make a donation and they will print up the cards for you with whatever you want on them. I struggled with what to write in them......clearly we wouldn't be "celebrating" this Christmas.....but Christmas still means something for us. I searched the internet for a few days - this is the exact quote I had put in MY Christmas card! I agree - this message touched me as well! Hugs, Tammy

Hi Carol Ann, I too am grateful for everyone here. I just told one of my friends the other day that when I am with my everyday friends and am experiencing grief....I feel like I am losing it, I feel like I am insane. Yet, when I am with my friends here in this forum....I feel like I fit right in, I feel comfort and even though I still feel the grief - it is like I am more at peace with it when I am surrounded by people experiencing much of the same things. So I say thank you to you Carol Ann - and to all our other friends here. Hugs, Tammy

I am so sorry that you are joining "the club that no one wants to be a member of".....but you are welcome here, and you will find that although you may feel like you are losing your mind, that you may not be dealing with things the way you should, that you are a "mess", let me assure you, you are none of the above. Everyone grieves in their own way, so be careful not to gauge how you are doing by how your sister is handling things. Grief has been likened to "waves" crashing ashore and dissipating - it could just be that your sister's "tide" schedule is just different then yours. A lot of us have gone through the numb stage.....it's kind of like you are on autopilot. I think it's your body's way of protecting you from the pain when you are really not ready to process it. A lot of us have gone through the anger stage....it's not fair to have to endure such pain and of course we lash out. A lot of us have gone through the overwhelming sadness stage.....where all we can do is cry, every picture brings sadness, every thought is a memory that only brings pain. I say "a lot" and not "all" of us because I want you to know that you will not deal with things exactly the way someone else does, it is your grief and you have to do what works for you. My husband died almost 4 1/2 months ago - his story is on my profile page. It was completely overwhelming, but when I look back to where I was when he first died....and where I am now, I do see some changes. Grief is a long and grueling process, but I do smile, I do laugh and I do try to go about my life the way Jeff wanted me to. Take things one day at a time.....one moment at a time when you need to. Come here whenever you need to and know that no one here judges. We all have such very different stories.... but we are tied together by the grief we all share. Hugs to you, Tammy

Unfortunately I have no advice to give you Melina - I am in the same boat myself. I need to find a new car and the thought of going to a car dealership leaves me cringing. I don't want to be taken advantage of by any slick salesmen! I have decided to not step foot on a car lot without a knowledgable man with me. I may enlist the help of my brother in law.....he keeps asking me if there is anything he can do for me, and I may have found just the job! Do you have any friends or family that might be able to help? Or husbands of friends that would be willing?? Good luck!! Tammy

I used to be a planner. In fact when I met Jeff it was the one thing that we struggled with. I was a planner, he was all about spur of the moment. I was always early for everything, he was always late. We both compromised....until he was diagnosed with cancer. Then life HAD to be spur of the moment because we never knew how he was going to feel day to day. Now Jeff is gone and I hate planning anything, I don't want to be locked into anything. I also find that I have become the biggest procrastinator - even the littlest things I find myself putting off because I just can't find the motivation. I wait until the last minute when I then have to scramble to get things done. Maybe I should be looking at it that at least I am still managing to get things done?? I just feel like such a slacker these days. Anyone else feeling this way? Tammy

I also do not take offense to your signature. My husband died of cardiac arrest after receiving the wonderful news that the tumor in his esophagus was eradicated by treatments he had received. Hard to wrap my head around this, but it is a blessing that Jeff died this way and didn't die an agonizing death from the cancer that ultimately they determined had spread to his brain causing the cardiac arrest. I have found that I can pull myself up from my lowest points by trying to come up with at least one positive in my life......"counting my blessings". Hugs to you Carol Ann, Tammy

I too still have my husbands facebook page activated.....we post things on special occasions, and he's had a lot of friends do the same. On MY facebook page I toyed with the idea of changing my relationship status to "widowed" - figuring that like when you post that you're married, it gives you the option of posting who you were married to. I thought it would list me as the "widow of" and Jeff's name would still be there. Well, I was wrong - when I chose widowed and hit enter it came up with a box that stated "click OK to cancel this relationship". Cancel a relationship with one quick click of a button?? I don't think so, that will never happen. So....I'm still listed as married to Jeffrey Perry.

I would say that unless you are emotionally prepared to explain, you should just stick with you are married. When you are comfortable sharing more details then you can explain what happened to your husband. I don't think you are being deceptive, just look at it as avoiding a painful situation. I was in the ladies room washing my hands today when one of the ladies I work with looked down at my hands and asked - oh, you still wear your wedding rings?? I was left speechless.....I really didn't know how to respond! In my head I was screaming of course I still wear my wedding rings!! but I couldn't get any words out. I walked out of the bathroom in tears. I don't know when I'll take my rings off, I just know it won't be anytime soon.

Hi Mary, I think all of your feelings are completely justified......it is another "change" that you are now dealing with, and I think we can all agree that when your life is turned upside down with the loss of a loved one, every change is monumental. My only thought is to not get too far ahead of yourself in your thinking - try to enjoy the time that you do have with your friend without dwelling too much on what changes may happen in the future. I know, easier said than done....but it's worth a shot? Hugs, Tammy

I got a phone call at work early this morning - one of my best friends that I work with had gone into a grand mal seizure in her sleep last night and was now in intensive care on a respirator in a hospital in Boston. Of course my concern should have been about my friend.....but all that I could see was what happened to my husband on the night HE died. The night that HE had a seizure, when HE went into cardiac arrest, when I had to do cpr on HIM....and HE still died. My girlfriend is now off the respirator and is doing better, they can't figure out what caused the seizure. Thank God she is going to be fine. My husband is dead, and I feel like the trauma of that night has just hit me full force, four months later.

I can so relate to your dilemma - I have a 2001 Ford Explorer that has 160,000 miles on it. I absolutely love my car and would drive it forever if I could....but I realize that the repairs are starting to get costly and it would probably make more sense to buy a new one. The thing that scares me is haggling with a car salesman. Jeff was so much better at dealing with that stuff. I'm sure the salesmen's eyes will just light up when they see a woman looking for a car walk in all alone. I'm going to enlist the help of my brother or brother in law.....so at the least I won't feel like I'm being taken advantage of. I've also had to deal with a lot of household issues this week - stuff that the "man" of the house would have taken care of without a second thought.....from the simple - lugging the Christmas tree in the house and setting it up in the tree stand, to the slightly more complicated - installing a new thermostat. I don't know what is more exhausting - physically doing all this stuff myself, or emotionally dealing with the fact that I am now responsible for it all. My mantra has become - this too shall pass. I know I will get used to all of this eventually, it's just a lot of change to deal with all at once! Hugs to everyone! Tammy

Thank you so much for all of your responses. I love this site because in my everyday world I am left feeling like I am completely insane, yet here....maybe I'm normal!