Perkins808

Hi All, I just wanted to see if there is anyone else out there who is doing or has done what I am doing. I have thrown myself head first into the holidays.......I spent the entire weekend decorating my house. Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday and I have a ton of decorations. Normally I rotate things, but this year I pulled out every decoration I own and decorated every room in the house. There is a Christmas tree in every room, lights everywhere......I was busy all weekend putting everything up. Well, that was all fine, until Sunday night when I finally finished everything and got to sit down and relax. I took one look around and burst into tears, which then turned into uncontrollable sobbing. Yes everything looks beautiful, it's never looked better.....but I am overwhelmed by the feeling that there is just something huge missing. That something being Jeff. When my 15 year old daughter walked in and saw me crying she came over and gave me a big hug and asked what was wrong. I told her that I was trying really hard to have the Christmas spirit, but the emptiness of not having Jeff here is overwhelming. Ever the wise one, she told me I was overcompensating.....that being so busy kept me from feeling everything until right that moment, and that by going overboard with the decorating I was trying to fill a void that just can't be filled. Where does a 15 year old get all this wisdom?? All I can say is that I am blessed to have not just her, but her sister as well. They lost a step Dad who meant the world to them, but still manage to be so thoughtful when they know I need it. I know I need to take a step back and regroup....but I just wondered if anyone else is going through this??

Hi Kristia, I want to start off by telling you that I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died 4 months ago and I found this site a couple of weeks after.....the people here are wonderful and have been such a huge help to me and I hope they will be to you as well. 8 months into the grief journey yourself I am sure you will have much to offer us too. Welcome.....but I wish life hadn't made you part of our "group". Hugs, Tammy

Hi Melina, I'm so sorry about your car accident, and I'm also sorry that it has magnified your loneliness. It's funny how just having your loved ones arms wrapped around you would magically make things seem so much better. Oh how I miss that!! "I'm terrified I'm going to be alone the rest of my life - and worry I won't find anyone else who will want me or will want to share a life with me. At the same time, the thought of any other man touching me is repugnant. I just want my husband back." I can totally relate to this as well......I am 39 years old and being alone just plain sucks. My husband had stage 4 cancer so we knew it was most likely going to take his life....and one night as we were falling asleep he wrapped his arms tight around me and asked me to promise him that if anything happened to him that I would find somebody that treated me like a princess - that he wanted me to be happy and wanted me to know that. Of course I was reduced to tears - and when I could finally speak I asked him how I would ever find a man that could hold a candle to him. It wouldn't be fair to another man....because I would be constantly comparing him to Jeff. More unchartered territory.....but I guess like everything else, we'll figure it out? Hugs, Tammy

I am glad you had a great day Carol Ann ~ you so deserve that!! I also started decorating for Christmas. It has always been my favorite holiday and I decorate every room in the house. Jeff was amazed at the transformation after the decorating was done, so decorating this year was kind of a no brainer for me. Of course there were tears when I pulled out the giant snow man snow globe Jeff had given me for Christmas last year......but they were happy tears because I can remember how excited he looked when he walked in the house with the big box and couldn't wait for me to open it. I have been thinking a lot about the upcoming holidays and have decided that I am not going to be miserable on these days......it will be hard without Jeff here, but again if the tables were turned and I was the one not here I would want him to cherish the memories and continue living! On another note - I have found a soup kitchen where we (me and my two girls) are going to volunteer for Christmas. A new tradition will be a good thing, and helping those less fortunate I am sure will keep my mind off my own problems!! Hugs, Tammy

It's been 4 months since my husband Jeff died - the only things I have really touched are special things that I picked out for his girls to have. His toothbrush still sits next to mine, his work boots are still on the rack in the hallway and his keys are still on the island in the kitchen. I haven't touched any of his clothes in his dresser or in our closet. I know I will not keep his things forever, but I'm not in any rush to get rid of anything or even to move things. I think it is a matter of preference. If it hurts too much to have things around then put them away. If it is comforting to have things out, then leave them out. Personally, even if I put Jeff's things away I would still look at maybe the spot where he kept his keys and even if they weren't actually there, I'd be thinking that is where they are supposed to be?! My only suggestion would be to not do anything that can't be undone......emotions are so unpredictable right now and just because you're ok not having something around today, it doesn't mean you won't be wishing you had it back tomorrow. Hugs, Tammy

Carol Ann, I am blown away by your determination.....and it gives me motivation that I too can survive this journey! Thank you! Hugs, Tammy

I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling right now. I think all of us here have been where you are - where the initial numbness starts to wear off and the pain you experience is like an avalanche, just crushing you. My husband had just been told that although he had been diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer, radiation had eliminated the tumor in his esophagus. We were still riding that high when one night two weeks after getting the great news we were watching a movie - Jeff went into cardiac arrest right before my eyes. No amount of cpr that I did, the paramedics did.....no defibrilators could bring him back. In the blink of an eye he was gone. The pain IS overwhelming....and although most people would say to take things one day at a time, most people here who have gone through this will tell you that at first you will need to take one minute at a time. When you are sad, cry.....when you are angry, yell......do whatever you need to do to get through that minute. I've said before when I've heard someone say that they feel weak - I think we should give ourselves credit just for getting out of bed in the morning. This will probably be the hardest thing we will ever deal with, so we need to cut ourselves some slack. I hope you are able to find some comfort by posting here. Hugs, Tammy

Carol Ann ~ I think you are a huge example of human endurance. I hope now that the fog has cleared and you are dealing with everything head on that God gives you the strength to carry on. You seem to have a positive spirit even with all of the traumas in your life - I think this is a blessing that will pull you through this. Know that your kind words have helped so many of US - I hope we are able to do the same for you. Hugs, Tammy

I don't know if this occurs with anyone else, but I have found that the anticipation of an important date has been more stressful than the actual day itself. I try to come up with a small way to honor Jeff and so far the days (birthdays, anniversary) have been tolerable. Hugs, Tammy

Marion ~ you are in my thoughts. I can't imagine how hard this has been for you.....just remember that your house doesn't hold all your memories, your heart does. Hugs, Tammy

Hi Karebare, It all depends on what state you live in and whether its a "community property" state. It is my understanding that if it IS a community property state, his debt would be considered yours since you were married. Unfortunately I think his insurance policy is part of his estate as well. Again, I think this all depends on the laws of the state you live in.....your best bet would be to consult with an attorney familiar with these laws. I wish I had a better answer for you! Hugs, Tammy

I would be very cautious about the necklaces with the ashes in them. I bought one and had some of my husbands ashes put in it....long story short, the little screw holding in the ashes that connected the crystal heart to the necklace came undone and it fell into the dryer while I was doing laundry, and I didn't realize it until the clothes were dry and his ashes were gone. I sat right on the floor in front of the dryer in tears.....but then imagined my husband (who had an amazing sense of humor) laughing and telling me not to cry over spilled ashes. I also am wearing his wedding band on a chain around my neck.....but I had it shaped into a heart. Tammy

I know it seems like something trivial to be worried about....but Christmas cards have been on my mind. Every October we would have a family picture done so that we could have Christmas cards printed up. This year I was at a loss about what to do.....it is too soon in our grief process to have a family picture done, we haven't adjusted to a huge part of our family being gone. I don't want to skip cards altogether....I love receiving them and I especially love sending them out. The answer to my problem came in an email from the American Cancer Society. They offer a choice of 6 cards, will print up as many as you'd like with a saying of your choice.....for a donation of your choice. This seemed like a win-win situation all the way around. We were planning on making a donation for the holidays in Jeff's name anyway and now I will have a Christmas card to send out that has meaning. Then I struggled with what to have printed on it? Happy Holidays? Merry Christmas?.....all the typical sayings didn't really reflect what we would be going through on our first Christmas without Jeff. After searching the internet for a while I finally came up with what I thought is perfect for this year: "What is Christmas? It is appreciation for the past, courage for the present, hope for the future. It is a fervent wish that every cup may overflow with blessings rich and eternal, and that every path may lead to peace." I guess it still amazes me on a daily basis how much Jeff's death has had such a profound impact on EVERY aspect of our lives.....who would have thought that even picking out a Christmas card would become such a monumental task?!

So today was a rough day for me. I finally sold Jeff's truck. I hadn't driven it since the "unregistered vehicle" incident and knew it needed to go. I waited til the very last minute to even clean everything of his out of it......his favorite sunglasses, the watch he had strapped to his visor. When the guy came to pick it up, I just asked that he wait until I went in the house and closed the door before he drove it away. Jeff and I had this routine.....EVERY single time he left the house I would walk him to the door, give him a kiss goodbye and then wait in the door until he drove away. I would blow him a kiss and wave until I couldn't see him anymore. Every single time. I cried like a baby. I sent my girlfriend a text message and told her about it and her response was that I should think of all the happy memories every time I see a truck like his. My response to her was this - My heart still skips abeat everytime I see a truck like Jeff's, like it always did - but then I remember he can't possibly be in it. Her next text to me was this - Wow, you just made me really sad. Does anyone else feel like they have run out of friends to share their grief with? I refuse to feel guilty for experiencing the grief that comes with losing the person who meant the most to me!! Deep breath......tomorrow will be a better day.

I live in Massachusetts and was pleasantly surprised when I got up this morning to find that it had snowed overnight. While everyone else was complaining about it at work, I walked away with a smile in my heart.....because it reminded me of so many days that Jeff and I were able to play in the snow with the kids. I was glad that the snow didn't reduce me to tears and instead made me smile. Baby steps! Tammy

Oh Carol Ann, So very much for you to deal with, I am so sorry. You have every right to feel everything you are feeling - just try to not let it consume you. I'm sure that if she could, Melissa would wrap her arms around you tight and tell you that she knew how much you loved her. Like Korina, I have no words of wisdom. I wish I could give you a hug and take away your pain.....know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Tammy

Rachel, I have had a very sad looking ficus tree in my family room for the exact same reason. This was a plant that Jeff brought with him when he moved in after we got married.....one of very few things he brought with him. I have tried everything to bring it back to life, but I think it's beyond help....and I just can't bring myself to have another piece of him gone. Also - I found someone to buy Jeff's truck. I was excited for about 2 seconds and now my stomach does flip flops every time I imagine someone driving off with it. They are going to come and get it next week and I can't imagine how painful it will be the first time I pull in the driveway after work and it's gone. You are not alone - I feel your pain! Hugs, Tammy

I have certainly had my moments, my days where I just don't want to get off the couch. I allow myself to feel it all, to cry....sob when the grief is overwhelming, but after a bit I know I have to pull myself out of it, and this is how I do it..... I imagine that the roles have been reversed. I imagine that I was the one who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. I imagine that I was the one who went into cardiac arrest and died and that Jeff was left to now navigate this world alone. What would I want for him? Would I want him to spend the rest of his life grieving for me? being miserable? Or would I want him to pick up the pieces and go on? I know the answer to that question - I would want him to be happy. I know he would miss me tremendously, but I would want him to be able to smile, to be happy again. And you know what? I know in my heart that Jeff is looking down on me wishing the same. Some days are easier than others....but on the days that I can't do it for myself, I do it for him. Tammy

Since Jeff died I haven't seen much of his family. I understand that I am a constant reminder that he is no longer here - after all, we were always together, it was always Jeff & Tammy. Now it's just Tammy and it's hard for people to see just me. It's like when I walk into a room, they are always waiting for Jeff to be a couple of steps behind.....and he's not. Well, I am happy to say that the ice has been broken. I had everyone over to my house a couple of weeks ago for Jeff's family....the first time any of them had been over since he died. There were tears, there was laughter....it was nice to make that connection again. My sister in law emailed me yesterday - we're going to get together next week for dinner. I thought I had lost a big chunk of my family when I lost Jeff, but I see now that they just needed a little time. Wishing positives for everyone ~ Tammy

Hi Nirac, I know how you are feeling - all of the "big days" started for me in October. Jeff has only been gone for 3 1/2 months and already I've gone through what would have been our first anniversary and then his birthday. Now Thanksgiving, then Christmas, New Years, my birthday, Valentines.....the list goes on and on. I was just talking to my teenage daughters last night about Christmas. I certainly don't want to skip Christmas, it's always been my favorite holiday.....but I know it's going to be hard. So together we came up with a plan. We are going to keep some of our old traditions....but we are also going to create some new ones, to honor Jeff. We are going to find a soup kitchen or homeless shelter where we can volunteer on Christmas Day. We are going to try to focus on helping others with the hopes that it will keep our minds off of our own problems. When you are thinking that you aren't strong enough - look back on how far you have come since Charlie died. I think we should be giving ourselves credit for just getting out of bed everyday!! Hugs, Tammy

wmjsca, I too had many invitations to socialize right after Jeff died. I think it's because people just don't know what to do with us. Clearly people don't have any idea what it means to lose the one person that means the world to them, unless they have gone through it themselves. They wouldn't have any idea how it effects every second of every day, unless they are going through it too. Alone is such a hard thing to get used to.....actually, I don't know if you ever get used to it, you learn to tolerate it. I can tell you that at one week after my husband died, I was still numb. Here it is 3 1/2 months later and I have ventured out a few times. I am still reduced to tears without warning, but I am able to go out once in a while and have a good time. I don't think I would call it fun yet.....but I think that will come in time too. Be easy on yourself - grief is such an unpredictable thing. Hugs, Tammy

I know how you feel Karebare - I decided about a month after my husband Jeff died that I would start accepting invitations.....try to continue living without him. My daughter's boyfriends family had gotten a house on Martha's Vineyard and had invited all of us to visit for the day. I figured it was a place Jeff and I had never been to together so maybe it would be easier. Well, I was wrong. I drove an hour to get the ferry to the island....spent a half hour on the ferry to get there. I had never been there before, it was beautiful....and I was instantly reduced to tears. I couldn't help thinking that Jeff would have loved it there. He and I would have made more wonderful memories there. All I wanted to do was go home, but I was stuck. We weren't scheduled to leave on the ferry for hours and the last thing I wanted was to ruin the day for everyone else. Somehow I made it through the day, but I came home completely overwhelmed. It felt like I was starting the grieving process all over again. What I realized was that it was just too soon for me - I was trying to force myself to start living again and I was just not ready. A good thing I can tell you is that now it has been almost 4 months and I am in a better place than I was then. When I accept an invitation, or when I do something I'm not quite sure of - I make sure I bring my own vehicle and I just see how it goes. I make it clear to others involved that I will go and play things by ear. If I end up having a good time, that's great. If I go and start to feel overwhelmed, I just excuse myself and I go home. People understand. Getting used to "alone" is such a hard thing to do. You are not alone in how you feel Karebare - we here all feel it, we all wish we weren't having to deal with it....and we all wish that our most special loved one hadn't died. I can tell you that gradually it does get a little easier. You don't really see it as its happening......but I look back over the last 3 months and I am amazed at where I am now. I haven't "gotten over it", I haven't "let him go"......but I am gradually learning to live a new life, one filled with all the wonderful memories that he and I created. Be easy on yourself, take things one day at a time....and if something is too hard to do, then maybe it's just too soon for you. Hugs, Tammy

Before Jeff died I was an avid reader. I have found since he died my attention span is terrible and I would find myself having to read the same sentence over and over whenever I read something. I am happy to say that last night I was home alone - both my girls had plans so it was just me and my "boys" (our two dogs). I spent 6 hours reading.....I read the latest Nicholas Sparks book cover to cover. Not only did I spend the night alone without crying a boat load of tears, I was able to focus on the book and actually enjoyed it! Now I need to work on the procrastination thing.......well, maybe tomorrow?!

Good morning all, JennaLee had posted a while back asking people to share any positives that had happened to them recently. I know that for me, it was a boost to hear that although we may all be grieving, we can probably find something to be grateful for. And looking for a positive in every day helped me to not focus so much on all of the negatives. So I am asking today - does anyone have any positives to share? Tammy

Hi Kayc I know that I only have 3 months under my belt so that won't qualify me as an "oldtimer"....but I certainly feel the same way. Jeff was always my dream come true. I was 35 years old when he came into my life - and he was like no man I had ever known. Caring, thoughtful....a true gentleman who treated me like a princess everyday. I told him on a daily basis that I could not have created a better man - he was everything I had ever wanted, and so many things that I didn't even know I wanted. So now I find myself wondering the same thing - if I didn't have the physical reminders of him, the pictures, his clothes, the jewelry he had given me....I too would think that he had just been this wonderful fantasy that only existed in my dreams. Losing my husband was my biggest fear. Now that that fear has been realized my new biggest fear is losing my memories of him. I don't ever want them to fade because it's really all I have left of him. I sometimes pass his picture and wonder out loud - how can you possibly be gone?? Tammy