mfh

You ARE grieving and all of us are also. We have all felt what you feel and no, we don't get over it, we learn somehow to live with this new reality that we did not invite into our lives. The pain is excruciating, the silence deafening, the emptiness beyond words. We have each other here and some of us have chosen to work with grief counselors, get support from friends but in the end...it is each of us facing a nightmare. We are all here for you. You are not a "wicked and wretched failure"....you are grieving a horrendous loss. Stick with us. mfh

I call them ambushes...because they catch me off guard and cause me to completely switch gears from perhaps a calmer moment to one that is pain-filled either because the ambush brought back a happy moment that will no longer be or a painful time usually around his death. 13 months into this and they still happen...the tiniest thing can ambush me....an RV passing the house (because he RVd for 2 years), a mug I forgot was in the cabinet, something someone says in a movie, a reference to some small thing that absolutely no one would get....on and on and on they go. We are not crazy. This is part of it...the journey through grief...as far as I know. mfh

BabyPod,

You feel as bad as you want....cry as much as you want and can. Loss is huge. It is 13 months since I lost the love of my life and I cry and feel sad every single day. We do not get over these things. We go through them....we learn to live with the empty feeling and the sadness. I more and more believe that until one has lost someone really close- not just anyone- they can not understand the pain of losing someone close. We are all here for you. mfh

Yes, Lainy. I agree. It is real. You are lucky to have children and g/children. Bill and I married late...no kids, no family near by and frankly they have been far less helpful than friends. I am so grateful for my small town and friends but as I said, only a small handful bring it up now. I look ahead and ask....what do I want my life to be like. I have no interest in anyone else...ever. That decision is made. Year 2....very tough. I sat here tonight feeling sooo alone and KNOWING that this IS my life. I go places, I do things, I publish a small magazine. I have a life and every single thing I do is empty. I am always pre-occupied by this loss and happiness feels like a memory. I am not glad you are in the same boat but I am glad that someone understands. Thanks much, mfh

As I read everyone's stories and reply to some with what I hope is supportive input, I also know how deep my own pain is these days. I have begun year 2 and was warned that frequently it is more difficult than year 1.....those who warned me, one a grief counselor, were indeed right. It is more difficult in a new way....my deep sadness and grieving continues but added to that is more thought about my own future with all those questions and emptiness; the fact that this loss is REAL is jumping out at me; others increasingly quit inquiring leaving it to me with most (not all friends) to ask for help if I choose to do so so I have a very few people with whom I can cry and talk but even then it is not often...not anywhere close to what it was like I was with my husband....so far removed from that. The nice weather adds to the pain....as people are taking about their vacation plans and I have no desire to go anywhere and really no one I care to travel with; people are out and about more and the days are filled with reminders of all we would be doing were Bill here. In a word-my loneliness and pain has increased dramatically. I survived a year and have enough evidence that I will survive but joy seems way beyond my grasp. I cannot even fathom joy. I am changed forever and that includes an emptiness that will never be filled. mfh

Suzanne, I am so sorry about your brother. We are all here for you. mfh

We all know your pain...we are all in pain here. We are here for you and we are your support group. This journey has to be shared and we all count on each other here when it is so dark. Let your pets be a reason to keep going...that is what your friend would want. There have been times when the only thing that kept me going was the thought that my love would want me to be happy and Margaret would want you to be happy. I know that seems impossible as the emptiness is excruciating...but now and then there will be something to smile about that that can increase in frequency. We are here for you. mfh

All of us have felt what you feel and we hope you will come back and allow us to share your journey. You are not a wicked and wretched failure....you are in deep pain...a pain we all know too well. I joined a spousal loss group sponsored by Hospice and it helped to share my load with others who were in pain. This is a journey that needs to be shared. I hope you will come back. I will watch for your posts. Also do call the number Marty gave you...she and the rest of us all know this pain. It helps to share it. It really does. mfh

One friend called every single morning for weeks to see if I was up and what I needed including just to talk and invited me to dinner often including last week. Another friend reminded me to be gentle with myself in the months ahead. Another friend said that she did not know Bill well and would love to sit with me when I am ready and look at pictures and hear stories and we did that a few weeks ago. Another friend brought food over...and ate it with me. Some offered to go to the cemetery with me anytime. I publish and distribute a publication...friends jumped in and distributed for me and 13 months later they are still doing it. It is 13 months and two people brought over dinner this week...out of the blue. Oh, I have the other stories also...we all do but this is nice to focus on what was right. Perhaps the one that stands out right now is a neighbor I do not know well at all....she owns a local restaurant and when I would go in there she would ask how I am. When I replied (out of habit) ok or fine...she would look at me and say..."that is a lie, isn't it. I know you are not fine and I am here for you." She did that every time I saw her and still does. She gets it.

After four years of care giving along with taking over everything at the house and working...and now 13 months of grieving...exhausted is a word that can not touch how tired I am. A friend of mine did two years of care giving with four full time helpers and it took her two years to begin to feel normal. All of this is draining. Our hearts and heads are in constant battle...you are not alone. Sometimes brushing my teeth feels like climbing Mt. Everest. My answer for me is to be gentle with myself, listen to my needs for rest and sleep, balance the days, gentle walks with the dogs not heavy duty exercise....and waiting patiently. It is all part of the territory we call grieving. YOU are not alone. We are probably all tired....I for one am exhausted. And by the way...I would do it all over again...only better....in order to make my love's final years the best they could be.

Dear New Visitor

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my love of my life 13 months ago and felt like I was in hell. I am glad you have a couple of co-workers that you allow into your pain. I have found that though no one knows what I feel, talking about my loss helps me. I sure understand how it all feels empty. I feel exactly that way. I take painting classes and most days I just don't care but I won't quit. Everything I do feels empty and pretty meaningless. We all have experienced that. Stay aboard this forum as we all accompany each other through the tunnels, over the obstacles, and through the tough days. No one here will judge you and we all understand. I also found a spousal loss group helpful...the most helpful people in my life are those who are also grieving or have recently. The rest try but lack the tools or experience even if they have the desire. Stay with us. mfh

Bill was always very sensitive to the feelings I had about never being a mother. He was also gently playful about Mother's Day and every year he would tie a Mother's day card to our dog's collar and send him into me. The card would be printed in child like type and be an invitation to dinner out somewhere special. How I miss those silly cards as Mother's Day rolls around. How I miss him and my mom and dad...we never really get past all that...that I know for sure. The silence is deafening.

I waited for you

All my life.

Finally we found each other

On a crowded planet

Where we had both felt so alone

For 24 years we loved and joyed

Sometimes struggled

Laughed and cried

And then you were gone

And now I wait again

For you

Hoping we will find each other

Somewhere out there

In a place I cannot understand

Are you there

Waiting for me?

I must believe it is true.

Our wedding rings are identical and I wear both of them on my LEFT hand and they will stay there forever...I do not plan to remove them. I fell and broke two fingers on my left hand about 5 months after he died and had to remove the rings to my right hand while the cast was on. but they are back now and there they will stay. ...and yes, i plan to be buried with them on my hand...we have no children....so they best stay right where they are now. Together Forever is engraved on our gravestone....I waited a long time for this incredible man to come into my life...and now I pray there is a heaven where he waits for me. mfh

Lainy, I am with you...I am now in year 2 and it is horrific. I walk around on the verge of tears as the reality of my loss and of my life all become so very real. Maybe year 3...or 5...or 8 will be better. Year 2 is not. You are not alone. mfh

It is 13 months and my mind has been AWOL for all 13 of them. I forgot to make my car payment because I put it somewhere and did not even remember putting it there. I forget , concentration is poor, takes me forever to do things that should take a few minutes, I postpone doing things because most tasks feel like climbing a mountain. Today I am sitting here feeling very alone. I was scheduled to go away this weekend (for the first time) and my friend canceled. I KNOW we all have to be patient with ourselves. I don't boil water on the stove because I forget it is there so I use the microwave as it shuts off by itself. It is frustrating and makes this awful journey worse... but Tammy....you are not alone.

Dear Luna,

You are so young to have to deal with so much pain. I am so so sorry about the loss of your mother. I am also so impressed that you could see past her addiction to the woman who loved you. We all grieve differently. I lost my husband 13 months ago and actually the pain is just as hard today as it was a year ago. I took advantage of our local Hospice center and participated in a spousal loss group. I know the centers have free groups that focus on a variety of losses and it really helped me. I also see a grief counselor. You might consider these to assist you through these dark and painful days. This site is also very helpful and supportive as we are all grieving a loss here but face to face assistance means a great deal. I will watch for your posts and i know others will help also as best we can. Your mother's choice to suicide makes this loss all the more difficult for you. I am just so sorry. We are all here for you. mfh

Yes, Michelle- I agree friends move on...most moved on a long time ago. It is now 13 months and today I got surprised (shocked) when a friend sent an email and said she knew I was still sad and was sending a hug. I cried when I got it as that rarely happens anymore. I have a host of friends but a small handful I can reach out to. I am grateful to them but the journey is getting lonelier as so few ask and I get more hesitant to bring it up. I went to the cemetery alone for the first time on Holy Saturday. It is isolated and my brother was concerned about my being there alone but it felt so good to just sit there and sob...by myself. I am all over the place in this post. I thank you all for your posts. This is a club none of us wanted to join but thankfully we all have each other here. mfh

I agree...the silence is deafening. Just a clear sign or anything to let us know that our loved one is out there and ok. It is now 13 months and frankly that silence gets harder for me. It seems more real as I look back and see how much of a fog I have lived in during the first year and even the final weeks of his life. Like a lost year but a lost year in a ton of pain. Now year 2 feels more real and I am focusing more on MY life as well as my loss. Chai, just posting helps for sure. Just knowing people hear us helps. Peace, mfh

You came to the right place. We are all in the same boat here and support each other and we don't ask how you are because we know you are feeling hollowed out and just awful and that you will for a long long time. I lost the love of my life husband of 25 years one year ago and believe me I know the pain and the emptiness....I did not believe anyone when they told me it gets better. I can't say it gets better yet but it changes. Waves come in and knock me off my feet each day yet but I recover more quickly....People here WILL support you and will NOT judge you and will understand your pain. No one will tell you that "he is better off" or tell you that you look great or any of those sentences that tells you they do not know what to say or do with you. One day at a time....for me...sometimes one hour at a time. We are all here for you...I know that because everyone has been here for me all year.

Feels like I have been hollowed out...gutted....a silent house and so few get it...leaving us more alone...

Dear People,

Your words are all so comforting to me....sharing your losses tells me that you understand my loss (as much as anyone can do that for us). Sharing your journeys help me walk my own. Year 2, thus far, has been much more difficult than I anticipated...I, too, am awake and realizing that he is gone...never coming back and my life is forever changed and my path is lonely. I am slowly, too slowly, learning who I can talk honestly to and who I need to just pretend and say I am fine. That is what most want to hear. My husband and I could say anything to each other and I seemed to forget for a long time that I can not be that honest with most others. I keep whittling the list down to a small handful in spite of having a lot of friends. I need to keep my mouth shut and remember who it is I can talk to. Tough lessons to learn but I am getting it. I am grateful for this forum...thank you all. mfh

Dear Sad,

How painful this journey is for you and for all of us here....losing the person you love and with whom you share a home means that every aspect of life is affected by the loss. You are brave to clear clothes out...It has been over a year for me and the clothes are still in the closet....I guess clearing them out means he is not coming back and though I am very clear about that somehow I can't get to that task. I do know that this loss is harder than losing parents as I have lost both of mine and other friends but this one is the tough one...this and losing a child. As you said you did everything with her...and that is part of why it is so hard. We just count on hearing their voices at the end of a day or the beginning or anytime. I try to take a day at a time so I do not look too far down the road. It helps and talking to people helps and doing things to distract me helps but in the end...we all sit in that quiet house alone....know you have support here. mfh

If you go to this link on Amazon and scroll down to the reviews that give the book one star:

http://www.amazon.com/Other-Side-Sadness-Science-Bereavement/product-reviews/0465013600/ref=cm_cr_dp_hist_1?ie=UTF8&showViewpoints=0&filterBy=addOneStar

you will see that this book has been discredited and see some of how unscientific it is. Reviews here are presented by professionals as well as lay people who grieve.

I am sure you can find other reviews that state more realistic attitudes and findings about grief.

As for me- I am where I am....and right now I am in pain about losing my spouse.

Cheryl, right on. Your words speak of wisdom gained over time. I agree...taking one day, one hour sometimes, at a time in year 2 and 3 and forever is essential. I also agree that the firsts are different, the second year makes real what we are dealing with....it hurts in a different way and is challenging in a different day. No less just different...and continues to include deep grief over our loss.

I buried my husband on Holy Saturday last year...so Easter is also a big reminder for me. I am just into year two as are you. I was warned by my grief counselor that the second year is sometimes harder. So far she was right. I feel hallowed out...gutted...alone (no kids-family far away and not much help)...I did not expect year 2 to be better than year 1 so perhaps that is making it a bit easier than what you are dealing with. I am so sorry that you have had to go through this horrendous pain and loss two times. I can't imagine that as I am just crawling through it for the first time.

We do not get over it..we get through it. I believe, and I am not alone, that we will miss our spouses forever and grieve forever...but I also believe NOW (I am just starting to believe this) that it will eventually not be as hard as these first two years.

I totally understand how it is hard to hope for good things to happen...I struggle with that also. This forum is a good place to share and get support....as you walk this path. We are all here for you....It has helped me to reach out to others in pain and to take painting classes as a distraction. mfh