mfh

If it helps, I keep a file on my computer and make entries daily. One document in the file is a list of those little memories...so I do not forget. Not just gestures but other little memories like the newspaper that appeared on my chair every Sunday and the hot tea that appeared when I was working too hard at my computer....it helps.

There are so many variables. One we tend to overlook is the exhaustion of care giving. I took care of my husband for four years so when he died...I was totally exhausted physically and mentally. Others have financial issues...job loss...kids to deal with...a troubled relationship left unresolved....this is a multifaceted journey and unique to each of us. I do agree with the study when it says to talk to those who are on the same path. Nothing is simple for sure.

Yesterday marked 10 months since the loss of my husband. This coming Sunday would have been his birthday. Five days after his birthday, I had to hospitalize him...a stay that was too long or totally wrong...and if I could do it over...would have lasted 1 week instead of 7 or never happened at all. I brought him home and five days later, with the help of Hospice, he died in my arms....

So Sunday, his birthday, feels like the beginning of a series of events that took him to the end of his life...like a long long anniversary...instead of a one day one-year anniversary on March 27, it feels like Sunday is day 1 of a two month package...it feels overwhelming. I know I am not being really clear here but that hospital stay was horrible...I watched him deteriorate so fast and he felt tortured and I did not know I should have gotten him out of there as the MDs kept telling me that they felt they could help. They said that until the day before one brilliant and caring fill in MD finally said to me-"Call Hospice and take him home". No one previous to this fill in MD told me. I know in hind sight I should have brought him home a week after he was there...or he should never have been there at all. I thought they could level his meds out so he could walk again.

I guess I am just rambling as I anticipate reliving all of this. I have a good friend who asked me if she could bring pizza and wine and spend this Sunday evening on his birthday looking at photos I have sorted out. That is a friend...I am lucky I have supportive folks in my life. But the next two months feel huge to me...mfh

I am reading a book called Sacred Grief by Leslee Tessmann. I find it helpful in that it focuses on recognizing that our grief is to be honored just as other facets of life are honored. It is helping me NOT to try to rush through a process that needs its own time. I just pass that title on to you. MFH

Dear dimcl,

All these replies are right on as I see it. None of us can tell you if you did too much. I do wonder since you are asking if deep down you might believe you took on too much at one time. I know for me, 10 months out next week, that what you did seems gigantic. I have not moved Bill's toothbrush either, his clothes are in his closet and his tools in his workshop. I have barely changed a thing. I think about new drapes and will do that as he and I planned on making changes to the house we moved to less than a year before he died. I just can't remove his things....it feels like too much reality telling me he IS gone. Each of us knows when it is time to do these things. We have to be still and listen to our own voices. I do think that if you decide to go forward on the quilt it might be good to have a good friend come in and help you. A friend called me yesterday and said, how about I bring a bottle of wine and pizza over on Bill's birthday (his first) and we look at pictures together. I know her presence will help me with that day. Listen to your heart before you go forward. Having a meltdown heals me but I hate them. I also try not to do things that might create them but then I never know what those are. We are all walking a brambled path filled with twists and turns and we are in the dark with no flashlight. You did what felt best at the time. No judgments. For me, I am 10 months out and can not touch those things yet. I will...who knows when. You might drink a hot cup of tea and be as peaceful as possible before moving forward. My heart reaches out to you.

Hi Gail,

I just wanted to reach out to you with all the loss you have experienced.

I do agree with those who say we can't compare losses...each of us experiences loss of all kinds in our own way. Frankly, for me I can't imagine a loss greater than the one I am now grieving.... I have never had children but have lost many people in my life. This loss is gigantic for me, the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. The worst day of my life. It sounds like you are saying the same thing...that this was a huge loss for you...the worst in your life. I am just so sorry for your loss. The two of you went through so much together...events that brought you even closer. Somehow we will all make it through these dark days. mfh

I do not believe you are crazy. I have had these things happen and know countless people who have also. We are just too afraid to talk about them because we believe people will think we are nuts. I am a clinical social worker and I don't believe my faith in the afterlife and the communications those who have crossed death's threshold makes me crazy...it is our culture. I have had signs from my love and they continue to come and I can hardly wait for the next one but they come as they will and I can't make them happen. I ask and wait and usually when I least expect it..there it is. I would like one a day if I could have it. Enjoy them.

I would wish you a happy birthday but I know it was not. I do wish you a year ahead that brings with it some sense of peace around all of what we have to deal with. That is my wish for myself also...but frankly I am a long way from that goal.

I totally get it. I turned 70 the day after I buried Bill which was also Easter Sunday....the hardest birthday of my life. What Clint did at midnight sounds just like Bill. Every month on the 22nd we would try to be the first to wish the other happy anniversary and he would frequently wake me at midnight so he would win. How we miss those things. No longer being first in someone else's life is one of the toughest pieces of this journey we must take. mary mfh

Those tears are healing...at least that is how they are for me. I always feel better after a good cry. I was also spoiled...so very spoiled. I am so sorry for your loss. I hear it gets better but right now, 9 months later, I am not experiencing any of that. I am so sad and so are all of us here on this board. You may print it out and save it. Peace to your heart...mfh

Thank you one and all for reading what I wrote and seeing the beauty in the pain. I so appreciate all of your feedback and support and hope to support you also. Mary mfh

Thank you so much, Marty, for the compliment and for the lead to the magazines. I will submit it. I do a lot of these "poems" and Bill was a poet. I am putting his work together in a book just for friends/family. I do hope to write a book on grief someday and when I get my act together someday I will return to what has been a 40 year private practice but this time my focus will be on grief counseling. I feel a passion to assist women in my shoes...and it will also be one of the reasons to get up each day. I currently publish a local magazine and this next month I featured Bill and me at the prompting of many of my readers. Writing helps me to heal and support from people like you affirming that helps me to write.

Thanks again and I will follow up on your suggestions. Mary mfh

The Empty Chair

It's a 24 year old habit

Every morning when I awaken,

I look across the bed

To see if you are there

And if you aren't

I look

Out at your chair

Knowing you will be there.

That you had gotten up before me

And are quietly sitting in your chair

Meditating, being still, reading your Bible

Quietly waiting for me to awaken

Oh, you would have made the coffee

Quietly, silently so as not to disturb my sleep.

(I never knew how you did that so quietly)

But you wanted hot coffee ready

when I woke up

And that brought you joy

Loving me brought you so much joy.

But that chair is empty now

Every morning when I awaken

It is always empty

And every morning when I awaken

I am shocked

And tears fall

And another day stands in front of me

Like a Mt. Everest I must climb

Alone.

How do I believe my own eyes

Of course, I can

and so

I say to myself

it must be Sunday and you have driven

To the gas station

To get my newspaper

You knew I loved my Sunday paper

And having it on my chair

When I awoke

Made you smile

And then, wide awake,

the dread hits

Just the way it did the day after you died

It hits hard and deep...again and again

day after day

You will never sit in that chair again

Never silently make coffee

Never sneak out to get me a Sunday paper

This can't be true, my love

You just can't be gone

(But that chair is empty)

It has been empty for almost a year now

And I, too,

Am empty

A huge hole exists

Inside of me, inside our life together

No one can see it but it is always there

No matter where I am

No matter what I am doing

No matter who I am with

They think it is mostly gone now

Little do they know

(Unless they are one of us)

But I know

And you know

It will never go away

Tomorrow I will awaken

And once again

Habit, hope-

Will drive me to look at that chair

And though I know tonight

That it will once again be empty

I will see you there

Smiling at me

Blue eyes twinkling with joy

Because I am awake

And we can have

A simple cup of coffee together

Plan our day

Talk about our dreams

Hug each other tightly

And know that we will somehow always

Be together

Even though that chair

…your chair

is empty

and each morning

I will feel tears on my cheeks

Feel that awful dread

That tells me again and again

That you are gone

And those tears will flow

(I know they will)

until my chair, too,

is empty

© 2011 by mfh

It is almost 10 months for me and I am sitting here sobbing tonight. Saw the King's Speech today, first movie I went to with a girlfriend since Bill died. It was featured in London with antique cars and classical music...all things he loved. We had been to most of the buildings they showed. I thought I handled it well and came home and just began to sob and sob. It never ends...widow friends tell me second year can be worse and it seems that is going to be so...who knows. I am so sorry for all of your losses...so hard for all of us...and shocking, hard to get our minds and hearts around any of it. We just have to walk through it knowing we will grieve to some degree forever. We all feel robbed of our dreams and loved spouses...and the loneliness goes on and on. mfh

Thank you, Mary. I agree those unexpected things hit us hard. I never dreamed as I walked into that building that I would be in tears by the time I got to the classroom. I bit my tongue and made my way through the class. I have not gotten past remembering how hard the last months we had together were. I was so exhausted after four years of caregiving, sleepless nights and we were both just hanging on. His hospital stay gave me a chance to get some sleep and rest a bit but I still wish I had brought him home sooner when I saw him going down hill so fast...we had 5 days at home but at least he was home when he died. Hard hard year and hard days for all of us. mfh

I agree. I got myself into a situation similar to that and just went home. Home feels as safe a place as I can get right now (new behavior). Or tell your friends that they should go and do what they want to do and stay put...bottom line....what you are experiencing is real and valid and you do not need anyone's approval to be yourself...listen to YOUR voice and do what you feel hour to hour. I am told we won't be lonely and sad forever...still waiting for evidence on that one.

It is too early to expect anything but the fog and shock that follows death. I lost my husband 9 months ago and I am starting to see through the fog. It is different for everyone but you are so raw. Even though you might have known he was dying, just as I did with my husband, the shock of death is so huge that it will be a while. I joined a Hospice Spousal Loss Group and that helped a lot because everyone was in the same boat. I also see a grief counselor (and I am a psychotherapist with 40 years experience) and I post here, read a lot on grief so I better understand what to expect. Be patient with yourself...you are young and had dreams (though older, we had dreams also) and this reality takes a while to settle in. A day at a time, for me sometimes a minute at a time. mfh

Grief is like standing on the beach with your back to the water. You know a wave will come but you don't know when or how big it will be. Will it just wash past you or knock you off your feet and carry you out to sea?

Thank you one and all. I will probably do a mix...time alone and time with friends. No kids, no grandkids....Thank you. It seems that even what might appear to be a silly first throws me. Today I had to take a class to renew my license and it was the first one I went to since Bill died...and the first time I saw the person in charge...it all tripped off the tears. Driving the road to the building, etc. So strange. Bill's birthday is this month and then the one year anniversary in March.

Tonight's tribute to those who were shot (and some killed) in AZ. Obama and all gave eloquent and meaningful speeches. I think of parents/spouses/fiances who are going through what we have all been through. We must turn this ship around and make violence both verbal and physical a memory...a bad memory.

Bill's birthday is approaching...the first since he died last March. That is soon to be followed by the 1st anniversary of his death. I have to consider how I will spend these days. It is shocking that it has been 9 1/2 months already. It feels like yesterday and 9 years at the same time. The aloneness gets worse.

I am so grateful for this board, for everyone's honesty and openness and for the support and sharing, and for the non judgment. I reach out to all of you and join with everyone in offering my admiration for your openness. Forgiving ourselves is tough. In my fatigue and fear and denial there were days when I was not at my best with the love of my life. I sometimes get too focused on my failures in spite of having talked about it with my love. It is sooo hard to forgive myself and for many of us to forgive ourselves but we must and I will and so will you. Be patient with yourself and know we all care. MFH

Thank you so much for this lovely writing. I have copied it to my grief file to read when I need to read it. It says so much of what I feel and you said it so well. We are all on a painful path and you just made it easier for all of us. Thank you, mfh

I understand. I am at 9 months and feel exactly the same way. The house is silent and I can't believe he is gone forever. I have to keep believing it will get better. We need our meltdowns-they do heal and they do pass. I am so sorry for your loss and mine. Melt away...and then perhaps light a candle in his honor. I believe it gets worse before it gets better. I talk to a lot of women who are walking this path and it will be tough for a while first....at least that is what I am told.

I'm with you and if anymore people tell me how good I look or I must be feeling better....I might pop them one. I do it all also and have been for 4 years as I was a caregiver for my husband until he died 9 months ago. I do not expect to feel better for a LONG time....I am taking pressure off myself. I understand but only those who have been there get it....mfh