mfh

I am with you all. I talk to Bill all the time and I have a "journal" on my laptop and make entries to him almost every day....it feels good. We all are used to talking to our loved one and now that they are not here as they once were...we can still do that. It helps me to vent and identify what i am feeling just to write notes to him. No one else can get it the way he did and so I hope that is still a possibility even though I get no response, no hugs, none of what I need from him. There are so many time each and every day when I want to turn to him for comfort, advice, input, feedback, or just share silly things...and listen to him, comfort him, give him feedback and share what he wants to share...the next best thing is writing notes and talking out loud to him and imagining what he says back to me...or listening to the voice within me to tell me what he is saying back to me.

It is cute. Little Bentley is now almost 8 years old...and weighs in at 74 pounds.

Yes, Marty. I have one of those Golden angels. I cry pretty much daily...at least once a day these days and every single time, Bentley comes over to me and just waits, sometimes puts his head on my lap...it happened today when I got ambushed and had a rough day...there he was, sitting and staring at me and waiting. He has lived with stress here as he was just 2 when Bill started to deteriorate with Alzheimer's. So most of Bentley's life he has seen me stressed and Bill sad and anxious from the Alzheimer's. No wonder he is grieving and acting out.

When I was seeing clients (before Bill died-I am not ready for that yet now) he greeted each one. (I moved my office to a home office with a private exterior door entrance) so I was not gone so long when Bill was deteriorating. Bentley would greet the client and then he seemed to know whether he should stay with that client or just lie at their feet. He is VERY sensitive. I know it is a Golden thing but Bill and I are both very sensitive people...Bill more than me. So Bentley has been exposed to all that in addition to being like that himself. I think his barking (and sometimes growling) at dogs since Bill died is possibly a protective thing because the alpha male is gone. In obedience class he is wary but ok with the dogs.

I look forward to checking out the book you listed also. Thanks for your response. It all helps on a particularly tough weekend and week. Life is a tough classroom and I know you have experienced that in your life and use that painful loss to help so many. Thank you. I try to do the same...and actually do that often. Peace, Mary

Thanks, Marty. Bill and I planned from day 1 to get Bentley certified as a therapy dog but Bill's illness interfered. I really hope it works out. Before Bill died and I was still seeing clients, Bentley came to the sessions and laid there unless the client wanted him to do otherwise. They are such healers. He and I are lucky to have each other. Thanks for your kindness. Mary

Thank you for your response, Marty. The article is excellent also...good tips in it. A friend of mine who lost her husband said after he died the dog stayed in the bedroom where he died most the each day and two months later also died...a young healthy dog.

I am meeting with an animal behaviorist this week to get some tips on handling/healing Bentley's new fear of other dogs and his neediness. He has been well socialized until Bill died and always gotten along with dogs who visit etc. but now is protective of the house and car...with dogs (never with people) within his visual field. And yes, Bill was his master-a gentle sweet master.

Getting him into obedience class has helped as he is getting daily training (my attention) between classes which he loves. If all goes well he will be certified as a therapy dog to visit nursing homes and hospitals (good for both of us). Your tips are quite helpful and I am doing most of those things already but I love the one about giving him a shirt etc. of Bill's....Bentley actually climbed up on the bed where I was holding Bill when he died...so Bentley was a part of Bill's death at the moment it happened and stayed there with us for quite a while. I will get a shirt out pronto and just let him have it. He grabs my socks all the time...just puts them under his head..does not chew them. :)True Golden. Thank you so much for all you offer to all of us. mfh Mary

I'm with you Anne. They act out for us and with us. My groomer said Bentley is testing me to see if I will be the alpha now....and no sooner did I say he has passed that phase than he got a pen last night and almost swallowed a sharp part of it. I do not know, however, what i would do without him...just have to watch him more closely for a longer while....mfh

I used to love Easter with all its meaning and newness...it was probably the biggest day of our year...bigger than Christmas...we so enjoyed rides in the country, Easter music, and more....I hope to enjoy it again someday. But last year I buried my husband the day before Easter and last Easter is a blur. Today feels like my first Easter without him. I sat at his grave yesterday...alone for the first time- as it is an isolated country cemetery -and I decided that isolated or not...I need to be there alone instead of with someone at my side or waiting for me in their car. I sat on a bench and bawled. Jonquils grew there that I must have planted last year though I do not remember doing so. Today I got an email "Easter joy message" from someone who I thought all year understood pretty well what loss and grieving are all about. This message was a sermon on faith and belief and turning tears into dancing on being grateful for what we had and all those words that are meaningless to me at this time. I am grateful, of course, for what we had. I can't see joy. I felt betrayed and angry as the day is hard enough without having someone I trusted to a large degree turn around and preach at me that "he is better off" crap. I guess people try...and their intentions are decent but until one has walked this path....they will not understand or grasp the pain. I just want the day to end.

Thanks for listening. mfh

Hi Shelley,

Bentley is bouncing back. Faster than me frankly. Yesterday he grabbed a pen and I caught him chewing that...he has not done that since Christmas time. So I know I still have to be alert. He is in obedience class and I am interacting with him a lot training him again...animals are so sensitive and great teachers....they feel also...I am glad your mom's dog is happy again. Now it it our turn someday. Thanks for your response. MFH

Thank you, Marty. I love your honesty on this site...There are so many myths around grieving....and you shoot straight and lead us to great and realistic articles.

Thank you. MFH

Congratulations on your son's return and I reach out to you on the 6 month anniversary of your loss. Bittersweet days...for sure. Feelings up and down, all over the place. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you honor this day. mfh

It is Holy Saturday and though it is a different date than last year...it was Holy Saturday last year that my husband's funeral was held and that I buried him (the love of my life), sent his body back to the earth. Today is sunny and it was sunny last year on Holy Saturday. The year has been the most painful experience I have ever had...you all know what that is like. Because it has been just a bit over a year, however, does not mean the pain has lessened as many would like to believe. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. On Easter Sunday last year I turned 70 years old...a day we would have celebrated with a short trip or special dinner but a day I ignored last year. Instead it was the day after Bill's funeral...I have no clue where this post is headed except that today is even more difficult than the first anniversary was last month because Holy Saturday is such a big day in my history...today actually feels like the first anniversary and it has ambushed me...surprised me because I thought I went through that on March 27. So now I need to figure out how to deal with all this because I suspect that there will always be two anniversaries of his death....March 27 and Holy Saturday which usually do not coincide. I sit here looking at the painting a friend did of him....it looks so much like him that it feels like he could talk...I see the sun shining through the blinds...sun we have seen so little of this spring to date and sun like that of last year's Holy Saturday....and I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks....ambushed again. Easter used to be my favorite day of the year...with its new life, flowers budding, warm and sunny skies. Now Easter is but a reminder that he is gone. The pain goes on and on.

I can guarantee you that I will be grieving in 2, 3, 4 and 10 years. It is now 1 year. I can look normal and inside...well, that hollowed out feeling is a good way to say the emptiness I feel also. I ran into a woman who lost her husband 5 weeks ago and then said she also lost 2 children three months apart just 3 years ago. If i had just looked at her and we had not spoken, I would never have known she is grieving...big time. Our culture does not easily allow grief to be visible. I go through times when I judge the fact that I am "still" grieving. Most of the time I can't imagine NOT grieving this horrible loss...

YOU are not alone. We are all with you and we understand what you are saying and you will not be left behind alone. I will be standing next to you.

mfh

I came across this quote-it speaks volumes.

One study found that widows with acquaintances who made it easy for them to cry and express their feelings were healthier than widows who experienced less encouragement from others to weep and discuss their feelings of grief.

I really like your quote. I also cry daily...not as much as several months ago but daily. I just finished reading Sacred Grief by Tessman. It is along these lines...that our grief is sacred. Thanks for the quote. MFH

I am so sorry for your loss. Unfortunately, we all cry...many of us daily. I did not believe anyone when they told me it gets better but at one year...it does get a bit better. I still cry daily but not like i did. One thing that helped me all year and still does is distraction....shopping, helping someone else, training my dog, I started painting lessons...all distractions but help keep me breathing. We have to be patient and be in the pain you have. It is all pretty much normal. You came to the right place.

Today I took my dog to obedience class and one of the students said, when I was practicing recall with my dog, "Mary, You have to be happier when you call him." She did not know my pain....I held it together until class was over and then sobbed on the way home because I just can't be happier....I am sad. WE are all sad but keep on trying and over time, the pain is there...for me it always will be...but most function better several months out.

mfh

My friend and I used to laugh at how our lives had so much in common..birthdays a week apart, married the same number of years, on and on....Now when she and her husband celebrated their 25th anniversary I wished them well but could not laugh...because this year I will not be celebrating that day...When people tell me about their upcoming vacations, I smile and then go to my car and cry because I won't go on any more vacations with my husband. It goes on and on and is a part of the journey that others who have not walked this path just do not get and won't until it is their turn to walk it. Almost every day there is what I call an ambush...a memory brought up out of nowhere, a pain highlighted....even the warm sunny days make me more lonely. Here in southern Wisconsin we had a lot of snow, hail, sleet, icy roads, thunder, rain and lightning yesterday...I did not dare say out loud that I loved every minute of it because I did not have to think about enjoying a warm sunny spring day without my love...and all we would do/would have done on a day like that. It was a bit of a reprieve from spring. Crazy? maybe not. Real? for sure.

Fantastic!!

We all celebrate with you. Good news is always welcome as we walk our paths. mfh

My husband died one year and a few days ago. Since his death, our calm, sweet Golden Retriever has taken to new behaviors. I thought others may be experiencing this in a pet. He started eating things like paper, a BIC razor (surgery and endoscopy xrays $2,000, two sets of ear buds and more). He has also become more needy. He has not done this since he was a new puppy. He is now 7. He has begun to bark at dogs from the car when we are out. He is more fearful and acting depressed. I am working with a training school and an animal behaviorist. They believe he lost his master/buddy and feels lost and is testing ME to see if I will be the master- hence the destructive behavior. We are slowly getting on top of this with lots of reshaping, training and classes....a good distraction for me and a lot of work.

It is not just we humans who feel loss....our pets react also. The day my husband died, our dog jumped up on his hospital bed (at home) where I was holding my husband before and after he died. He laid down on our legs for a while and then on the floor. He knew my husband was gone as well as I did. He sees me cry daily. I have gotten help so his negative behaviors do not generalize to people who he still adores.

Your loss is huge. You lost someone who is part of you. People do not know how to deal with us. It is a year since I lost my husband (we did everything together also-best friend) and I have learned how little people are capable of responding unless they have been there. That is where this group comes in...we have all been there...we are non judgmental and we respond out of our own pain not our fear or our desire to have you make us feel better. We have all been through that, believe me.It happened twice to me yesterday. One day at a time, sometime one hour at a time is how I live now. I am alone...no kids. Adult sibs far away and not real helpful. Good friends and a handful who are there for me as best they can. If there is a spousal loss support group within 50 miles it will be worth it. They get it. In the meantime, read here and write here and you will get support. I don't even remember the first two months after Bill died....it is a blur. Take it slow, be patient. We are all surviving. I can not imagine living without my love...and yet I have to....life feels empty and lonely. The house is silent and I come home to silent walls. I cry a lot still...a year later and I will a year from now. WE are all with you. mfh

Hi Pink Pony

It is a year since my husband died and I barely remember the first six months after his death in spite of knowing it was coming some day. Selling a house, moving, figuring out the new normal, your place in the world, what you want to do and more are all huge decisions that take time....At a year out I am just starting to think about those things and I imagine another year won't make much more difference. It sounds like the practical part of you and more thinks of selling the house, downsizing etc.. Just take your time and don't let anyone pressure you. Do what you want to do when YOU want to do it and when you are ready. I move VERY slowly these days. I used to be very fast...now i am slow....doing what I do as I walk this path. Be patient with life. mfh

Hi Pinkpony, I am so sorry for your loss. I do know how it feels to have thwarted plans and future. We all know that and we know the silence that is deafening, the need to figure out a new normal and the shock that numbs. I don't even remember the two or three months following my husband's death last year. We are all here for you. mfh

Hi Lynne, I am so sorry for what you and your family are going through. There are no words that can change it but know that the people who use this forum, including me, have all dealt with the loss of someone we love. You will find this forum to be a compassionate, non-judgmental place, full of people willing to embrace you. My husband died one year ago and though he was 79 we felt robbed of so many year as we had 24 years as a couple. i was 46 when we married after 12 years of knowing each other so well. We are here for you. mfh

All these special days are tough. I just had my 71st last week, the day after the anniversary of Bill's burial....had to think hard about what I wanted to do but friends made the decision with a quiet lunch. I reach out to you on this day of your birth...I am sorry you are not feeling well with meds and rash...does not make it easier for sure. On my birthday, I was alone most of the day (by choice) so I sat and made a list on my laptop of all the happy memories I had of my birthdays with Bill. Kept me in tears but also felt good. Just in case you need an idea. I wish you as much peace as life can offer you right now. MFH

I like this piece from Psych today a LOT. I think she is right on....it is through the suffering and pain that we become more real and who we are. Wish it was not that way but it is. Peace is the goal...for sure.

Today, I bumped into a woman in the Post Office. We started chatting...I learned she lost her husband 5 weeks ago..after 3 years of care giving. As we talked and shared our common loss, I then learned that just before she started care giving her husband, she lost two children just 3 months apart. Kids were in their 20s and early 30s. Now that is a plateful to deal with. I offered to have coffee with her as she is really alone. She lit up...all of this gave me pause to think about how strong we all are...and that there is always someone who has suffered a great loss or pain than me. Does not diminish my pain one bit but surely makes me grateful that it is not worse.

Thanks for the piece on suffering.

How about a grief counselor? That is what I did as friends sometimes just do not know what to say. Also if you belong to a church...there may be a support group there or nearby. I am sorry you are so alone. mfh