mfh

Shelley

I get to that point a lot. Talking to the dog does not work. Calling most friends does not do it very well either because the person I need and want to talk to is not here. The loneliness is endless and I know your pain well. I do know that talking to my grief counselor helps some. The spousal loss support group I was in helped. But bottom line....nothing is the same as talking to my love. I do hope you will call someone even if the response comes up short. Beats stuffing the pain down. mfh

Phil, I think we all need to get out of the house and balance staying home with some activity. Volunteer work is good as it distracts and helps but you are just so new to all this that you might consider taking an hour or day at a time. Just ask yourself what you need right now....It is just different for everyone. Bill and I were very very close...we worked together, lived and loved together and even motor homed together for two years...so a part of me has died with him. Take it slow...don't make long term plans right now...just get through the days at YOUR pace but do think about getting out a few times a week to be with people. mfh

I am so very sorry for your loss and for all you both went through previous to that. My Bill died 1 year ago last week. I don't even remember the six months after his death...it is all a blur with only spotted memories. The grief comes in waves....some knocking you off your feet as your back is to the ocean of grief and you can't see the waves coming. Some roll in and past you but all are difficult. You get ambushed by tiny things like finding a piece of jewelry or a coffee mug...and big things also. You have to be patient with yourself, just be wherever you are....if you are weeping...weep. If you happen to have a smile...smile for it will pass into tears soon enough. I won't tell you it gets better because it is different for everyone. I weep daily...at the drop of a pin....I wish you some moments of distraction. MFH

I hear you Melina. The tiniest thing can throw me for a loop...and when it comes to bigger things like insurance...well...over the edge we go. Somehow we will all get through this part of our lives though I frankly see myself hurting for the rest of my life though hopefully not like I am now. Meltdowns are a bit further between etc. I wish you the very best. I wish you had been here too to protest. We are getting in deeper and deeper in this state....but the good news is that the left is finally waking up and we now know that we can not take our democracy for granted. mfh

Melina, I agree with KayC...our democracy is up for grabs. I live outside of Madison, WI...believe me...I KNOW that. I have been one of those protesters you see on TV. Our health care system is not in great shape and coverage might be harder to get here because no one knows where this train is going except most of us think it is headed for the drink. Stay where you are!! Sad to say but true. mfh

http://books.google.com/books?id=hU_L1KUsNfIC&pg=PA404&lpg=PA404&dq=bereavement+in+dsm+IV+V62.82&source=bl&ots=DHDH_bU9lx&sig=RvuBE2pHW6FDyE2jS1eGytB4S2U&hl=en&ei=JvmcTfOYGJC6sQPGhtT5Dg&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=10&ved=0CFkQ6AEwCQ#v=onepage&q=bereavement%20in%20dsm%20IV%20V62.82&f=false

I send these in case you can have your grief counselor tell the insurance company that this Dx does NOT apply. Hope this helps.

mfh

Hi Melina, I am an LCSW and I've been in private practice for many years and I am one year out from my husband's death.

I checked the DSM IV and found a link that says what the manual says. As you know this is the bible for insurance companies.

Here is the link- http://www.counselingstlouis.net/learn-psych.html

As you know, insurance companies go out of their way to find reasons to reject someone...it seems this company is doing that using, perhaps, the fact that bereavement is listed in the DSM IV. Not sure if it is in DSM V as it is not out yet that I know of.

Anything to make someone's life a bit harder....sorry but I think insurance companies control way way too much of our lives right now. I could write a book on clients who were refused treatment because the insurance companies did not want to pay...you know the drill.

I am sorry this is happening to you. This journey is hard enough.

Mary mfh

I agree with you, Harry, when we are drawn away from ourselves too much we tend to lose ground. Yet, it is good to be involved. Always a delicate balance. Yesterday was my birthday and thanks to friends, I made it through the day and had a lovely time with people...and would have traded all the gifts and cards and wishes for 3 seconds with Bill. This week was the first anniversary, anniversary of burial and the next day my birthday and I made it. You will also. Those students are good distractions. Someone said to me that all the firsts are over now and my reply was that every day forever there will be firsts...the first time he is NOT here for some event. Yes, it is the little things that get me. He would have celebrated my day yesterday with all kinds of little rituals that we had developed...cards, breakfast in bed, dinner out just like your day would have been. Somehow we plow through all this and make it to the next day. YOU are doing it well....I wish you some quiet moments as you move on to the tomorrows....soon we will all be reunited with those we love.

Still talking to Bill...one year last Sunday. Congratulations on what you have done today...good for you.

I can only imagine how difficult it would be to leave the home where Bill and I lived. You are right...she is with you no matter where you go...you also have your furniture and your memories. Still hard though. Today, a couple days after the first anniversary, I took a long drive and ended up going past the home Bill and I lived in the first years of our marriage 25 years ago. We had a home on 67 acres of land and knew every inch of it so well as we cut paths through the woods and walked the paths and off path daily for many years. I wept as the memories of those days created a movie in my mind. i am sure you will do that many times as you become acquainted with your new home...grab those memories...hang on to them....they are our joy.

Thank you. I am so sorry you went through that time alone...it is more than a day long..we both know that. I am blessed to have so many brave friends. Today does not feel any less painful...I know that. MFH

First of all, thanks to all for your loving support. You all know what today means or soon will and we do not walk alone. Thank you. I am blessed with many calls today, friends who reached out, went to lunch with me, went to Bill's grave with me and respected my need to call it a day at 3pm and be alone. Exhausted from it all.

West, I agree with you...I feel as if I took many steps backwards this month and now have to get up, dust myself off and take baby steps back to where I was. It was a hard month for both of us...today I went to Bill's grave and left some flowers even though I know they will freeze tonight as the temps drop. I also went to lunch with a friend who gets it and then came home and crashed. I planned to take a long drive alone as that is what we did on Sundays but I was too sleepy to drive. The exhaustion of the year, the month and the day took its toll. I bet you felt the same way....I am so sorry for how hard your day was. It is a comfort to know neither of us is alone though we do not know each other. I hope you had some supportive people around you or call you at least. Starting year two feels threatening to me...like Bill's life moves further to the background...more days we will not share. But both of us will get up tomorrow and step by step move through the day...another lonely day, if I may say. May you sleep tonight. Peace, MFH

This month of March has taken me by surprise. I truly did not think the first anniversary (which is today, Sunday, March 27)would be any more difficult than every other day...they are all difficult. I was wrong...not only is the anniversary difficult (I am writing this late Saturday night and will wake up to the 1st anniversary) the entire month has been riddled with increased pain, flashbacks, tears and more tears....It really blindsided me. I have cried daily since Bill died and many day before he died but this month has been incredibly difficult. A friend will go to Bill's grave with me in the morning. He is buried in a country cemetery outside of my rural town. We will then go to breakfast. And then I plan to get in my car and go for a very very long drive through our hills, alone, something we did on many Sundays. I feel like I am back at last March....the loneliness increases....the house seems more silent. Tough time.

Just a thought as I too grieve...one year tomorrow. Why not let the pastor decide if he/she has time to meet with you? I send peace to you. MFH

I reach out to you. What does one say. Going through the loss of a spouse once is one thing...going through it a second time...is beyond. I am glad you are on line here...the folks here all get it. Somehow we make it. You made it once and you WILL make it again...we just do it one step at a time. We are all here for you. MFH

Hi Anne,

I lost my husband of 36 years a year ago this coming Sunday. I expect that when it is three years I will feel as sad as I do this week. Our husbands were essential parts of our lives, our selves, our every single day....to be grieving and up and down 3 years later does not feel unrealistic. I just can't imagine that in two more years I will have moved on. I will miss and grieve this loss the rest of my life. I consider myself a pretty healthy person. I am a therapist seeing a grief counselor. I am choosing to walk through my grief in a country that does not allow for that. All we ever hear is "move on" but it takes as much time as it takes to feel more level. I have made up my mind and heart that I will grieve as long as it takes and if someone has a problem with that....it is not my problem. If I am on an emotional roller coaster in two more years...I will not be surprised. Others may be but I will not. I see grief as a sacred sign of our love and I embrace it when the waves comes in. It is life. Bill's death changed me forever. A part of me died with him and though I am involved in life, publishing a magazine, going out with friends...I cry a lot. Be gentle and accepting of your grief...mfh

Thank you for sharing these lovely and loving thoughts with us. They help all of us. mfh

Yes, I also keep hoping I will awaken to find this was a nightmare...not reality. My thoughts go out to you,

MFH

Hi Michelle

You are in the right place. It is one year this Sunday since my husband of 24 years and friend of 36 years died. I too was not aware that he was dying until just 5 days before he died. You have had your hands full with grieving and raising kids alone. I admire you and am glad you have come to this forum and hope you return often. Do not worry about rambling or saying too much or too little. Here we all understand and none of us judge. As for removing your ring...perhaps you can consider that he does still love you from a new place and only remove those if that is what you really want to do instead of what you think you should do. I will wear mine forever. You may choose to do likewise or not...but let it be your own decision based on desire. You deserve to wear the ring.

I hope you return often.

Mary

We must not worry about what is normal. We just live in the moment. I have days like that and am coming up on a year next Sunday. Just allow your pain to be...

What an incredible dream....sometimes I think the dreams are real...I mean it is their way of contacting us and I love every minute of them and even though it is painful to waken and he is gone...I would deal with that to dream every night. And the Jesus part of the dream is wonderful and right on....thank you for sharing that with me and all of us. The dreams are truly gifts...thank you. I wish dreams for all who want them.

Good for you...to just allow the meltdown...lying in the grass and all. I so admire you for that. I do meltdowns pretty often...and it will be a year next Sunday. Bill was 79 and a vital, talented person. It is just so shocking and the pain is so deep and excruciating and no one else can know our pain as good as SOME people are. It is nice to have an option with your niece and to know it is just an option. I have a gal who helps me clean twice a month as I can't do some of it. I overslept yesterday and she rang the doorbell. I did not hear it. The dog did not bark but cuddled up next to me. She let herself in, as she is directed to do, and woke me up. She thought I was dead and told me that...scared her. My response was "no such luck". I guess that says it all....Keep on keeping on...it is what we do...that and being the best we can be.

Dreams continue. Last night Bill and I were rescuing a lost dog....Wake up and he is gone again. I don't think the anniversary (March 27) is the big thing because Mar. 28 and Apr. 28 will still hurt. The deepening of the reality that he IS gone are what hurt....the anniversary is a greater awareness of that. If any of this makes sense.

The journey is always 2 forward, 3 back but we get there eventually. I am totally impressed with what you are doing and I think they are giant steps - not baby steps. They are all hard but you are doing it.

I think that unless people have been down the road we are all walking, they just can't understand. I also believe people's lives are mostly about themselves and many if not most do not think about walking in someone else's pain. It is frustrating when they are so unaware of our pain. It leaves me feeling very alone but I am slowly learning NOT to expect empathy from most people. People stopped asking how I am, and meant it, a long time ago. It will be one year on the 27th of this month. I find that not expecting others to reach out helps as it minimizes disappointment but the frustation is the same. We do not educate people about grief in this country....for sure.