mfh

I agree, DVLocker, the dreams are wonderful times together. It is the waking up that is tough. I just want to keep dreaming....

Thank you Cris. I agree...so far the anticipation is worse than the actual thing....I know that when it is 4 years...I will still be missing Bill as you are now missing Larry. It is a new life...a paradigm shift for sure...everything has changed. Thanks.

As the first anniversary of my husband's death approaches, I find myself dreaming of him almost every night...pleasant, wonderful times together, vivid times that feel real...until I awaken to find it was a dream and he is gone and I lost him all over again. Bittersweet. Part of me hopes I will dream at night but the pain of losing him again is huge.

March 27 is the first anniversary and I find myself reliving those last weeks, terrible days in the hospital caused by poor medical guidance, and so much more. Thank goodness I got him home for his last 5 days. I feel I have been too tired and exhausted to be angry at the hospital or that I lost Bill...I am in survival mode...but living in Wisconsin right now, a few miles from Madison, and being involved in the protest movement going on here my anger has been hooked and it is hard to sort out which I am really angry at sometimes...since both Bill's death and the situation here in Wisconsin are truly anger provoking. However, in the big picture...as angry as I am about this political mess, ONLY my loss of Bill hurts.

I have no idea how the next two weeks will go in regards to this anniversary. What I am clear about is that the pain will go on...the day after this anniversary will hurt just as much as today and just as much as the anniversary day. I will miss him every single day until I take my last breath....

Good for you, Di. Baby steps are the key. I could relate...I finally (one year on March 27) emptied my husband's dresser....I could not do it a month ago. Lots of baby steps like you have taken. Tough but feel good that I did things. I also have days that are pure pain.

Anger can frequently be a symptom of buried hurt and losing someone we love hurts. You might try writing a list of what hurts and then see where that leads.

Dave, why not just go once to volunteer...see how it feels. Do not make a long term commitment. I am involved in the protests in Wisconsin and the group knows I am doing this on a day to day basis. I can't make long term commitments right now but I can do something for a day and then another day perhaps. Might work. It is all tough...just plain tough. I hate it all but I do not want to sit home either....trying to balance it....I take tiny baby steps and then twenty backwards of course...then forward...then backward...

Addendum:

How about seeing a grief counselor? Hospice could direct you to one. May be one on one would feel good. I did that and it helps.

Hi Dave, It will be a year in a couple of weeks and I, like you and most folks on this board, struggle with how to motivate ourselves to live fully, how to deal with ambushes, pain and sadness...we are all in the same boat. It is a long lonely walk but I do believe that finding something you feel a passion for helps. I started taking painting lessons and publish a small magazine...they are distractions if nothing else and put me in touch with others. Volunteering at a food pantry, taking lessons in something, joining an astronomy club...whatever...something that has a group of people helps a lot...then ask one of the group to pick you up for meetings or vice versa. It is a long road...six months and you are still coming out of the fog...one day and sometimes one hour at a time. Sundays are the worst for me so I enrolled our dog in classes so that he will be a therapy dog soon and i can take him to hospitals and nursing homes on Sundays...It is all hard and not what my husband and I planned. Friends abandon. Days and evenings are lonely....you are not alone...know that. We are all in the same boat....Mary

You are welcome. I am sorry you are hurting so much. I am too so I understand.

I hope you can have a calm evening.

Because you are hurt and angry does not mean you are not doing well. YOU have survived for two years. That is gigantic. I am facing one year later this month and I guess I just have to applaud myself for surviving....we too were at that place where we could do what we wanted to do and it was all gone when he drew his final breath. I understand your pain. Lonely evenings are ours....one can not run about every night of the week in order to have company....so we stay home...lonely. I get it.

Its been almost 7 months since I lost Dan and why cant I be honest? I talk to everyone bout him and say all the right things like " I have to make him proud" and " I cant let his death be in vein" and "Im ok" . When the truth is I am not ok. I miss him so much its hard to breath sometimes. I feel like half of my soul is missing and I have such a feeling of hopelessness.

I could have written these words...I understand. We say what people want to hear but try doing it honestly. Just think about saying something like..."it is very hard for me" Most will not pick up on it because people do not know how to handle grief. I found the key to be having a couple people I can talk with honestly. At first, 11 months ago when Bill died, everyone was there most wanting truth. Now it is rare when someone asks or wants truth. It is a lonely walk and NO one on this planet can walk in your shoes but I hope posting here helps. Having one or two people or a grief counselor has helped me. I get the "hard to breath" thing and all the feelings you have. It is 11 months today and I feel like I am still at a funeral. I won't say it gets better with time. It changes for sure but I hurt as much today as I did when he drew his last breath. It changes...but he is still in the back of my mind all the time. As for the kids, you will always be there for the kids but this is YOUR life and they can not understand your pain. Be good to YOU. No one else can do that as well as you can.

Well said, Susie Q. This quote is an exerpt from Henri Nouwen's (author) A Letter of Consolation. He wrote this to his Dad six months after his mother died. I think it speaks well to those of us who KNOW we will always grieve the loss of the love of our lives...be it as much as we grieve now or less or more....everyone is different. "Real grief is not healed by time. It is false to think that the passing of time will slowly make us forget her and take away our pain. I really want to console you in this letter, but not by suggesting that time will take away your pain, and that in one, two, three, or more years you will not miss her so much anymore. I would not only be telling a lie, I would be diminishing the importance of mother's life, underestimating the depth of your grief, and mistakenly relativizing the power of the love that has bound mother and you together for forty-seven years. If time does anything, it deepens our grief. The longer we live, the more fully we become aware of who she was for us, and the more intimately we experience what her love meant for us. Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive, seemingly easy and obvious, and so present that we take it for granted. Therefore, it is often only in retrospect--or better, in memory--that we fully realize its power and depth. Yes, indeed, love often makes itself visible in pain. The pain we are now experiencing shows us how deep, full, intimate, and all-pervasive her love was."

I like this quote from Henri Nouwen (popular author of many books) who wrote a (this is an excerpt) letter to his father 6 months after his mother died. I find 11 months into this that I have better days and the pain has changed as the reality becomes even more real.

"Real grief is not healed by time. It is false to think that the passing of time will slowly make us forget her and take away our pain. I really want to console you in this letter, but not by suggesting that time will take away your pain, and that in one, two, three, or more years you will not miss her so much anymore. I would not only be telling a lie, I would be diminishing the importance of mother's life, underestimating the depth of your grief, and mistakenly relativizing the power of the love that has bound mother and you together for forty-seven years. If time does anything, it deepens our grief. The longer we live, the more fully we become aware of who she was for us, and the more intimately we experience what her love meant for us. Real, deep love is, as you know, very unobtrusive, seemingly easy and obvious, and so present that we take it for granted. Therefore, it is often only in retrospect--or better, in memory--that we fully realize its power and depth. Yes, indeed, love often makes itself visible in pain. The pain we are now experiencing shows us how deep, full, intimate, and all-pervasive her love was."

Henri Nouwen from A Letter of Consolation

I believe grief is different for everyone. Many heal in 6 months and many do not. No judgments should be made. Just be where you are. Quotes like this support those who do not heal in a brief amount of time.

Thank you, Deb. I agree...as hard as this day has been (and it has) I KNOW I was loved in a way that most women/men just dream about. That is also what makes it so hard but I am choosing to focus on the gratitude tonight.

A difficult for all of us but when it is also the first anniversary it becomes a bigger source of tears and pain. You will be in my thoughts all day today. It sounds like you are making all the right decisions re moving and dinner...congratulations on that.

Lainey

I bet all of us have been through that. I have and I am 11 months out from Bill's death. I will never understand it except those folks are fearful and out of touch with love and relationships...maybe never had one. It is hard when they are family or old friends, especially. But everything I read, and I read a lot, reports that it is unique to each of us, that we will always miss the person we lost...always and it takes time to smile again and that is unique. YOU are right....don't let their fears and unconsciousness deter you from doing your journey. I refuse to succumb and have actually had some people tell me i have set an example for them. I have also had the opposite. Stay on your path. MFH

Dear Mary,

Your post is uplifting and I can see the feelings you expressed slowly taking shape within my being and spirit...a ways to go for sure but the "downs" don't last as long. I too cry a lot, almost every day, but find myself able to pull out of it more quickly and get on with the day. Bill is always in the back of my mind. I am 70 years old and know as much as one can know that I probably have many years ahead and my goal is to reach out to others as much as possible...every day. Thanks for sharing. I am approaching the one year mark in late March. Mary

Happy Birthday, Marty and again thanks for being there.

Mary

Thanks one and all. You will all be in my thoughts as this weekend happens.

Thanks, Marty,

Good article with good ideas. I did make plans to attend a High Tea at a friend's tea house. It won't be all couples, in fact my table will probably be four women. I suspect the men won't be too interested in tea. Bil would have loved it as we traveled to England twice and had high tea there. Going with a girlfriend. Poetry will be read so hope I can maintain my goal which is to celebrate the day in a way Bill and I would have done. Small town and I am pretty well known so if I cry, people will get it and reach out for the most part. I also like the candle idea. I light one that was at his funeral every morning before I meditate but will buy a special one now for special days. One that is not associated with the funeral but with special moments to remember. Hard to do but I get it. I thought I knew grief before losing Bill having had a lot of loss and walking through others losses often but this loss is very different...and much more difficult to say the least. More than I could have imagined. Thanks for all your insights.

I used to like Valentine's Day...until last year when I was visiting Bill in the hospital weeks before his death. I brought him a white teddy bear...and I don't believe he ever knew I got it. White teddy bears were pretty common gifts to me from Bill...usually accompanied by jewelry or candy or something he knew I liked. So I now have that teddy bear and it brings back sad memories.

This year, the first Valentine's Day without him and home with the flu (so the TV is on a lot more) I am noticing all the V-Day ads-chocolate, dinners, jewelry and more. Each one an ambush. One would think I would be used to ambushes by now but that is just the point...ambushes are always unexpected and painful.

Approaching the first anniversary of Bill's death, I relive these final weeks especially as I am home "ambushed" by the flu and with lots of time to think.

Anyone else struggling with V-Day?

I am at ten months and I also find it tougher. I have been seeing a grief counselor even though I am a therapist myself. It has helped a lot because you know by now people move on...forget...think it is better when it is not. At this point, 10 months, the reality of my life is really hitting. I am home with the flu right now and quite alone except for friends coming over with soup etc. But it gives me time to think and feel. I find myself still say..."can this be real?" You are not alone. Often the second year is worse but I do recommend you get support from someone face to face...it makes a difference.

I am so sorry for your frustration and loss. Here is a place to call to find your cell phone if it is in the house...

http://www.icantfindmyphone.com/

You put the number into the site and it calls your phone....helps you find it.

mfh

You made it..grace under fire. I understand that feeling....he was supposed to come home...my husband was also. It sounds like you made a good day out of a tough day. Yesterday was my husband's birthday and in two months I will be dealing with the one year anniversary also. Your letter helped me. Thank you. Sleep peacefully. mfh

It seems only two of them have power of attorney so perhaps only two need to agree and the other siblings can go along or not. It is so painful to go through this....I am so sorry.

Thanks to all of you for your support. I have made plans for tomorrow and find myself more weepy today than usual. Friends are so helpful. I am attempting to let go of the guilt...I do pretty well with it and then it comes up again as i am sure many of you understand. Thanks again for being out there. Still seems weird sometimes to communicate with people I will never see. But glad for it as we all get it. mfh