Amy Wamy

January 5th = D Day. I kid, but I've got a new appointment and I've confirmed it. My New Years resolution is to learn about myself more, and be open to new things!! I'm sending Christmas Wishes your (whoever is reading) way !

KayC, You're right in what you say. I think I do fear what grief will be like. There's a counselling centre at my University, which I lucky don't have to pay for. I've put off the last two appointments, but I'm requested another one which I will go to. I have lived with my grandmother ever since, she's been wonderful really. It's hard for her to live by herself now I've moved a couple of hours up to University, and she has just had a hip replacement! I don't speak to any of my family other than my grandmother. I've no idea what happened, I think there was a bit falling out years ago or something. I do spend lots of time at my best friends house, and her mother has been very good to me. I've known them for over 10 years, and I suppose they are like another family to me, which is nice. The thing is, I don't feel like the "pressure cooker is about to explode". I don't really feel anything towards it, if that makes any sense. I've been told many times to see a counsellor, maybe now is the right time. I appreciate your reply!

Anne, No, I haven't seen a counsellor yet simply because I'm not sure if it's the right time to do so yet. I have looked at the various websites given to me by Marty and they have been quite insightful. I've not really spoken about my concerns and feeling with anyone, and I know six years have passed, but I just don't feel comfortable doing that yet. Perhaps I'll use next year to tackle my issues head on. Thank you for reading and replying, I appreciate it :-)

"Just do it" is a common phrase that many of us say to ourselves. What's the worst that will happen? Theres only one way to find out - just do it! Anyway, I'd like to share a little bit of my story since a lot of you share yours. I suppose it's easier to reply and understand once you know. It'd be nice to know if any of you have experienced similar things to me I was born in the UK and I had great parents (at the time), grandparents, cousins etc. Life started to change for me around the age of 7 as my parents relationship was the best at that time I don't think. I moved to America with my Mum when I was 9, as she had met a woman online and decided to eventually move over there, and we lived with her and her six children for 5 years. My Dad basically disowned me when I moved, but I don't really know - to this day - the full extent of what happened there. I had a happy 5 years in Texas as I was in the school band, I did athletics at school and had great friends. The last year or so living out there was when everything went down hill - my Mum was ill with a rare brain cancer. I didn't really understand fully what was going on. I helped out when I could, I saw her getting worse and worse but I don't remember every detail though. I didn't know how bad it was, I suppose you wouldn't want to tell a child that because they won't understand. I remember the dreadful headaches, awful neck pain, occasional bad tempers, the big brain operation, another one to fix a clot, another one for hydrocephalus, her going to chemo (I think I went once to see that it was okay, she wanted me to see it wasn't scary I think). After the operations, I remember her not being able to walk by herself, helping her to the bathroom and her double vision. Reading that now, I suppose I did witness a lot. I suppose I went through an ordeal, but clearly nothing...NOTHING compared to what she was going through. In 2007 (the year we moved back to the UK), we sort of got kicked out of the house. Everything was too much for Mums partner at the time. It must have been stressful and expensive, which is understandable, but I'm still a little bit bitter about it now, as you may understand. So, in June 07 I had to bring me and my Mum back to the UK, back home. Luckily, a couple of family acquaintances were in the states and paid for our airfare back home, but I suppose I had the biggest job of all and I didn't even realise it. Apparently, she was so ill she could have died on the way back to England, and I was non the wiser about it - looking back now, that was probably a good thing I didn't know. We had fun on that trip, a few laughs. Before we knew it we were back in England. In 2008, things got even more worse! I had sort of settled in, it was so quiet, so different from America. Sometimes I still wish I didn't have to come back because I was so happy there. I became friends with people who I used to know, which was nice, but my Mum was still not getting better. In November 08, she ended up in hospital. I remember being at school and my Nan called to say, I think I was worried, but I don't know. She never came out of hospital when she went in, but I did get to see her a couple of times even though I didn't particularly want to. I felt I was always pressured into going, yes it was my Mum, but I just think I was scared or something. I remember the last real moment though, I was sitting on the bed next to her showing her how to use the little TV's you get attached to your bed in hospital. It was nice from what I recall. Not many days after that was when her heart stopped, but they got a pulse and she went to the intensive care unit. I went to see her a few days before she passed when she was in there. The most awkward and uncomfortable thing ever. I'm always silent when I'm anxious or uncomfortable, and I was then. I was being watched and I felt under pressure to do something. I said nothing to her lifeless body that was being kept alive by machines. The last thing I said before I left the room was "love you" or something, I don't clearly remember. A few days later the machine was turned off and she was gone forever. That's a brief version of events, I hope it wasn't too long. Now, 6 years later, I haven't grieved or anything. I've always been quiet. Scared to let anything out, and I still am. I'm slowly convincing myself to go and see a counsellor, so maybe I should "just do it". What's the worst that could happen? I'll cry for ever, I'll relive everything again. I don't want to, but non of us here that have experienced a death wants to do it. We just somehow know that talking about it will help and it may be able to ease the pain. Now though, I'm at University and thinking about the future is odd because I won't have a Mother to help me do things that they do when you get older. Most of my friends have parents, and so it's hard for me because I don't. My Dad doesn't speak to me to this day, and it bother me a lot. Anyway, I'm rambling on. I just wanted to write something. If you took time to read it, thank you. It's late, and way past my bed time! I'm glad this forum is here, like all of us are.

I couldn't do it this time. I'm waiting for another appointment that I will go to. The fact of the matter is, it won't go away so all that's left is to just go for it.

As luck would have it, I received an email from the counselling centre yesterday saying there's an appointment available for Monday at 10am. I haven't yet replied to confirm I can make it, and I'm very reluctant to do so. It's the first step to begin my journey, but it seems this first step is the hardest of all. My friend has said she knows I can do it, but I'm not quite sure I can. It is a rather scary thought that on Monday I may well be sitting in a room with a counsellor - one thing that has always been awkward and uncomfortable for me. I may just put if off for a few weeks, but I know one of you will say that once you start putting it off, you'll always put it off. It's better to just do it and I'm aware of that, it's just difficult to go through with. I'm sure many of you understand that?

KayC, if you click can read a previous post of mine on here, which is about my situation. Shari, it's nice to know I'm not alone with how I feel about going to see a counsellor!

I hope it doesn't take them ages to get back to me, but when they do I'm sure the counsellor i'll see will be fine. I've not met anyone else that is in the same situation as me - I'm not sure it's possible for someone else to have the exact same situation as anybody! Everyone I know has parents of some form, and so it would be nice to know someone who has experienced a parental death like I have. So yeah, for the counsellor to tell me how I'm feeling is fairly normal and to help me, will be great really. I was told that before the first session I could write an introductory email so the counsellor is aware of my situation without me having to actually tell them the whole story. I'm not sure how they go about getting you to open up, but I had 2 bad experiences with counsellors nearly 6 years ago now and that has put me off going to another one. I'll be sure to keep you posted!

Kayc, it is a little scary to know that the past will be relived, but that's what counselling is all about. As painful as it may be, you have to go through thm again to heal. I'm so sorry to hear about your Mother as well. Marty, I'll see how it goes when I hear back from the counselling place. They say they have counsellors who specialise in certain things - bereavement one of them. I just hope I like the counsellor. 6 years is a long time I feel, and my grief journey has been delayed. I'm not ready to face it, but when will I ever be?

Later this month, it will be the 6th anniversary of my Mum's passing, and over the past few years I have been toying with the idea of seeing a counsellor. A few of my friends have suggested that I do it, and earlier today I filled in a form to start the process of getting an appointment with one of the counsellors at my University. I'm thinking at the moment, that it might be a bad idea and that I really don't want to do it, but I've been told that it's the right time to do it when you don't want to. It's a small step to understanding myself better, healing, and acceptance. I've made the decision to do it because I'm never absolutely 'okay', and I figured that now is as good a time to do it as any. I'm curious as to what happens in a counselling session, could someone perhaps shed a little light please? Amy

I seem to wonder that all the time. It seems like everyone I know has both parents, I just have to try and escape parent conversations and hope they don't ask me about mine (my Mum died 6 years ago and my Dad hasn't wanted anything to so with me for 10 years). Just think, this girl will have to fend for herself one day, hopefully she will have learned something. Stay strong!

I completely agree with you. I also like your use of the word "sensationalism", and it's true. Whatever they can do to get more attention - which for them equals more money - they will do it. I watched the Super Soul Sunday interview today, and I really enjoyed it. The strength that Madonna has gained from this horrible tragedy is incredible. Love, I suppose, is the greatest healer. We all seek some sort of love and without it life is almost impossible.

So, I was reading Mary's post about Madonna Badger who lost her three children and both parents in a house fire on Christmas Day, in 2011. There's a TED talk she did that you can watch here, and you can read the article that she wrote about it, here; I recommend you have a look at both as her story is, quite frankly, unimaginable. After looking at both, a question came to mind: "How profound do our "stories" have to be to make them deemed "share able"? I feel that today's media want the most unbelievable, harrowing stories because they will get the most "hits" or views etc. Many people choose to share their stories, but only the ones that are told by celebrities, or very high-up people, actually get attention. In my opinion, everyone's story is unique and if they want to share it, then brilliant. it's just with situations like people losing everything in a hurricane, an earthquake or a tornado, makes their losses a little bit more significant than say someone that just lost a mother to cancer. Under the TED talk link, Mary did say this "Do not allow her loss to minimize your own. Every loss is different and unique to each person. Just absorb what she learned about grief. I truly relate to the nerve being severed and without skins. It is just how huge losses feel." This is absolutely right, her story is no less painful or unimportant than mine or yours. I just think if I decided to post my story somewhere, it would get less attention than a story like Madonna Badgers. Would I want it to get attention? I would if it could help someone going through something similar, or made that person feel like they aren't alone, and that someone else actually understands how she is feeling or has felt. It would be interesting to hear what you all think of my question. Maybe it's an absurd question, but I'm just putting out there. Thanks for reading! Amy :-)

Just stumbled upon this post of yours Marty. I think it just shows that we take a lot for granted. When we are sad or, god forbid, thinking of suicide, there are millions of people in the world that are much worse off than us, and they have found a way to just be. We are "blessed" to be able to interact with all of these people in this forum, to see the sun rise and set, to hear the sounds of nature. It's almost unimaginable to think that millions of people can't do these things. It's amazing that although Maya Angelou is no longer with us, all of her wisdom is still very much absorbed by millions of people. To end this little response, here is my favourite poem: Still I Rise by Maya Angelou You may write me down in history With your bitter, twisted lies, You may tread me in the very dirt But still, like dust, I'll rise. Does my sassiness upset you? Why are you beset with gloom? 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells Pumping in my living room. Just like moons and like suns, With the certainty of tides, Just like hopes springing high, Still I'll rise. Did you want to see me broken? Bowed head and lowered eyes? Shoulders falling down like teardrops. Weakened by my soulful cries. Does my haughtiness offend you? Don't you take it awful hard 'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines Diggin' in my own back yard. You may shoot me with your words, You may cut me with your eyes, You may kill me with your hatefulness, But still, like air, I'll rise. Does my sexiness upset you? Does it come as a surprise That I dance like I've got diamonds At the meeting of my thighs? Out of the huts of history's shame I rise Up from a past that's rooted in pain I rise I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide, Welling and swelling I bear in the tide. Leaving behind nights of terror and fear I rise Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear I rise Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave, I am the dream and the hope of the slave. I rise I rise I rise.

Love these clips. Oprah and her guests on Super Soul Sunday, always share valuable lessons and information. I'm extremely jealous that OWN isn't available on TV here in the UK! One of my new favourite quotes: "If you don't know what fear feels like, you can never be fearless." - Pema Chodron

Well I say afraid because I presume I am. If I wasn't then I think I would be able to talk. I've been told that I've always been a "closed book", I'm probably hopeless! (Not really, but that's what it's like. ) I've had many people say to me that they are there if I need them, but I just feel it's been a long time since it happened and that they don't want to hear about it. They haven't said that to me but again, that's what I feel. That blog post was a very interesting read, thank you for suggesting it!

You know, I really don't have anything to say. That's why I feel I don't need counselling because there's nothing I need to let out. I suppose it's almost some sort of fear I have of talking about my feelings, is that silly? Can I ask you what your thoughts about what I've told you are?

I suppose trying isn't the word, but I just feel like I want to forget about it. I don't know why that is. Talking to my Nan? This may sound absurd to you, but I just don't feel comfortable talking to her about my feelings even though she does ask me from time to time, and my answer is always silent or "I don't know". In the past I have had plenty of opportunities to talk to people about my feelings towards this, but when the time comes, I physically and mentally cannot. I have thought about going to a counsellor, but I can't, and I know I won't be able to talk to them. I prefer it when the person I'm talking with starts the conversation or just talks. You're completely right when you say "People in your circle, those closer to your age, may not be as familiar with death and loss as you are, based on your experiences with both of your parents, and so in that way, they don't have that in common with you - so it's understandable that wou wouldn't feel comfortable bringing up and sharing your thoughts and feelings about those experiences with friends during casual conversations." That's exactly what it's like for me. The majority of my friends or people I know, have both of their parents, so I envy them slightly. I've also tried writing in a journal, but that hasn't worked for me, and as for the letters, I would feel a bit silly doing that because I'll know that the person won't actually read it, and then I would worry that someone will see what I've written which is silly I know. Thank you for replying!

It's been a long while since I last posted in this forum, but I just want to write this because sometimes we wonder if anyone else feels this way. It's been a week since the fifth anniversary of my Mums passing. Since then, I don't think I've changed as a person very much, but I have found that I'm trying to forget about it. Putting it to the back of my mind and hoping it doesn't appear in a conversation. Is that wrong? I also haven't visited the cemetery since May, but it's not because I find it hard to go there, I suppose I feel that it's not important to. Is that wrong? I've read on here that many people have cried buckets over their losses, but I can say I haven't even filled up half of one over mine. If you're reading this and wondering whether or not I had a good relationship with my Mum, the answer is I did! I had an enjoyable childhood as I was and am an only child. The memories are vague, but they are there. I now live with my Nan (my Mums mother), and I'm a thankful for her. My Father hasn't spoken to me since I was about 10 (I'm 20 now!). He lives down the road from me with his wife, and it does hurt that he doesn't want anything to do with me (the reason for that is unknown), but I do think there will be a happy ending and we will have a relationship again; it probably won't ever happen. Does subconsciously wanting to forget about my Mums passing it mean something? Is there a reason it am doing it? It's odd because in my head I feel as if I've dealt with it, and that it's just time to get on with life. Other times I feel opposite because I don't talk about it and I always feel uncomfortable that it might come up in conversation. That is all for now. I appreciate you talking the time to read this. It's such a great forum/website, and I'm glad Marty has kept it going!

Thanks to all of you for your replys, I'm glad I found this forum. I just wanna know why I feel weird/uncomfortable about anything to do with my Mother. But I probably will write a note or something.

Well its nearly Mothers Day for me because I live in England and it falls on April 3rd. Now I feel really uncomfortable about going up to the cemetery and I don't know why. In November it will be 3 years since she died. I don't know whether to write a note or what to her on Mothers day, it all seems really weird for me. What should I do?

Hi all, I'm 18 and my Mum passed away about 2 years ago. Since then I haven't been able to cry about it or really talk about it that much. There is one other weird thing aswell, I kinda feel like I don't miss her when I know I think I probably do. Does that sound strange? I just wondered if any of you had felt like this? Amy