Tom19

Well we've already sorted the majority of the stuff out so it's only little things left. The funeral is tomorrow, she's back in Leicester on the Wednesday. It's going to be 2 weeks from today of no contact at all from me, then on the 23rd I plan to text her to get my things (this is if she hasn't already got in touch) and then she what's going on with her. But right now I'm taking care of me, for too long I put Fern first, I'd still do anything for her, and would love her to come back to me but I'd rather try and move on and then if she wants things back then I'll be in a much better position to deal with it.

Thank you Kay. Fern's over in Ireland, she went today, the funeral is tomorrow. She didn't say bye or tell me she landed safely or anything like that, nothing at all. I just need to protect myself for now and by deleting Facebook I feel it will be easier, of course it will still be hard but I know I'll get there sometime in the future. This isn't me saying I won't be there for her, if she needs me then of course I would be but I don't hold much hope in that happening. I refuse to speak to anyone about her except my friends, the friends that don't know Fern personally and only know her as 'Tom's girlfriend' as nothing will be said to Fern that way. We still have things to sort out between us but I'll let her get in touch with me about that, I'm sure I can last without some DVD's and stuff for a bit.

Well things have gone from bad to worse, basically I've decided to say bye to her now. I sent her a e-mail explaining things, I've deactivated my Facebook etc.

Okay, something bad has happened. I went to see Fern. I had a massive argument with my parents and couldn't be on my own and I didn't know where to go. She said sorry but she couldn't talk and said that I should go for a drive to take my mind off things and that she wasn't in the position to give out advice. I said to her that I just wanted to sit there with her but she said that she couldn't and that I should just go for a drive, so I left her, she said sorry for not being able to help me and that she wished she could. Anyway I got to my car and she texted me saying; "Todays not a good day. Just do something to keep your mind off things. And I'll speak to you another day." I replied to her saying sorry for coming round and stuff. I know that I shouldn't have done.

Okay, instead of texting her I went sleep for a hour, I don't want to contact her right now as I don't think I should, not until at least Monday like I planned.

Haven't heard anything from Fern since Thursday, really wanting to see her.

Well right now it's half 9 at night over here and so I'm not sure what to do right now. I got invited football but turned it down as I feel tired! I've been out today with one of mine and Fern's close friends, we went Pizza Hut and sat and talked about different things, including Fern. Apparently Fern wants to invite me out next week to her football presentation but we'll see what happens. I've been off work today, I'm also off Saturday and Sunday, although I'm going to be with friends for a large part of it. I haven't heard from Fern since yesterday at 6pm. I don't know if she's read my e-mail, but I believe she was at a funeral of one of her Dad's friends today. Was thinking of sending Fern a text on Monday morning just wishing her well whilst she's over in Ireland.

I really don't know what to think at the moment, I feel bored and maybe if I had something planned then I would be doing okay. Fern leaves for Ireland on Monday, the service for her Dad is on the Tuesday and she's back in Leicester on the Wednesday. I just feel patience is key right now, I feel like I can stay in the background at least for now, Fern's worth it, I don't want to give up on her. Also, a friend of mine passed away this morning after a 10 year long battle with illness, we wasn't massively close and we hadn't spoken since February but we shared good times in the past. So R.I.P Andy!

I don't just love her a little, I haven't lost any love for her, I still love her as much as I've always done, I still want to be there for her. I've been out today with a mutual of ours, we talked quite a lot about things. Right now I don't really have much to say about things, I just don't know at the moment.

But she can constantly go out with friends? Can constantly act okay on Facebook? Can go to work? The only things she can't do are go to College and see/be with me. I'm still no nearer to understanding and I can see me falling straight back down to feeling crap about things again very soon. It's hardly fair me expecting her to come to me and just reveal everything to me but it's not fair for her to not even give me anything at all to go on? She's said the minimal amount to me I feel, I can't focus on moving on until I get those answers, I wish I could but I can't. Dreams are still as strong as before, although I am sleeping better right now. I guess maybe I shouldn't have but I sent her an e-mail yesterday, I didn't make it about me or about us but mainly about Fern, hopefully she'll read it. I just don't know what to do anymore, I've tried, I really have, I was there, I took her places, I picked her up if she couldn't handle things at work etc, I brought her things that she wanted, tried making her smile, tried making her laugh, but where's that got us? After all come Tuesday she will have said her final farewell to her Dad, she must know I'm here for her, love and care for her it's just the way she acts so cold with me, maybe she feels it's easier to act normal with her friends? I don't know.

I can't but feel sorry for her though, turns out she's got another funeral to go to tomorrow for one of her Dad's friends, and then obviously she's off to Ireland next week for her Dad. Why wouldn't she want me to get things out of the way? Why would she want to see me another day? Her heads all over the place, she said to me yesterday that she couldn't think of anything else other than the funeral tomorrow and her Dad's next week. I still don't understand a lot of what's going on, why she can be with friends but not me? I've only tried to be there for her, care for her. She's also talking about quitting College as well, she only has a month left until she finishes but nothing that I say now will effect her. Maybe once she's finally laid her Dad to rest she will start to see things a little differently again, but I can't wait for that now. I still want answers and I will get them one day. I finally removed everything from my bedroom of her, photo's etc have all been placed away and I've took all of her stuff back, so I'm ready to just focus on me right now, who knows what the future holds but right now she clearly isn't thinking straight.

Been round to see her, it wasn't too bad. We sat there, she said hello although didn't really do too much talking. Sorted things out, I dropped her stuff off, she gave me a hug and then I left. She still had everything up, our photo's etc I then get a text from her saying that's she found some of my DVD's and that she'll probably find other stuff, I asked if she wanted me to come round now and get everything out of the way so she could have space but she said no and that we can do it another day, I kind of got a little mad and texted her back saying okay, maybe we can also talk another day. She hasn't texted back since but at least maybe she'll get my point.

Thanks for that it helped a lot! As it is I'm just getting her stuff together to take round! I'll no doubt write here afterwards about what happened etc!

Well last night everything came crashing down. She texted me saying that she was changing her Facebook relationship status, and so I did the same. Obviously I want her but she clearly just doesn't want me anymore. Still meeting up tonight although I'm not looking forward to it. Seems to me that she's being a right bitch about things and that I feel she's been influenced by her friends a bit, which is a shame, especially as they liked me and I met Fern through her friends in the first place! Anyway so tonight now is going to be a barrel of laughs. Just have to see what she has to say.

Okay, I felt better as the day went by, she's still always on my mind, just things like wondering what she's getting upto and whether she's okay and stuff. I want to text her and get in touch but I don't want to make her mad. At the moment we're still meant to meet tomorrow so hopefully she doesn't cancel on me!

Went to bed last night missing her like mad, woke up feeling exactly the same. I don't feel like I can fully start to recover and move on until we have spoken about things, so hopefully she'll open upto me tomorrow when we meet up! The last three days she's been in touch but once again it's only to sort things out and it's only been one text a day and so there's nothing to point that she misses me. It's hard, very hard to get by.

Okay then, well I'll try and remain calm. I really just want some answers though, she's hardly been clear in her decision, I'm trying not to sound selfish here and respect what's she going through but I just keep thinking that when she broke up with me we was only with each other for the 5 minutes and that we didn't really talk much and that it was Fern who said we should meet up soon and talk about things and sort stuff out. obviously we're yet to be able to do that and hopefully Wednesday will be that time to talk and to get things cleared up. I'm going to try and be strong and not give in to my emotions it's just the fact that she'll be there in front of me that scares me, the thought of never seeing her again or never being with her again just gets me down, I try not to think about it but it pops up every now and again and I'll usually get go through a say 30 minute phase a couple of times a day at least when I'm feeling as low as I feel I could and then I cheer up a bit. I'm not sure what's going to happen on Wednesday when we see each other, I just hope that she's okay with me and that she talks, if she's still being cold and distant despite the space I've given her then it will upset me, again, I'm trying not to be selfish but I've got to look after myself as well yes? I miss just coming home to her after work and not seeing her smile when we meet again.

I'm going to text her today and suggest we either meet up today or on Wednesday, that way I haven't got to wait too much longer and Fern gets the space that she needs before she goes to Ireland on Monday to bury her Dad's ashes. When we meet I'm not sure what to say, what to do, I guess I'll just say hi and see what she does, then we just have to sort some things out and then I'll leave, I'll let her know I'm here if she ever wants me but apart from that I feel it's best for now to just leave her to it, no contact at all unless she gets in touch with me. I'm still debating whether to text her on the Monday before she flies over to Ireland but I'll decide on that after we have met up. Being so patient and not getting in touch is so hard, especially when you're used to seeing/talking every single day for the past 2 years!

Just received a text from her today (she's not at work) asking what day this week is best for me to come and get my stuff. I don't know whether to reply or not, I'm not sure what to do. Help. I feel just like ignoring her altogether right not but I'm not sure that's right! So confused. Rather concerned at the fact that whenever she gets in touch it's literally just to get things and never that she's actually thinking of me though, I think that's what gets me down the most.

She hasn't met anyone no, she spends a lot of time with her family, and she never really gets in contact when she's with her family, even when things were good in the past she didn't so I don't think it's a massive deal, it's normal for her, her family were close before but now they're even closer after her Dad's passing so they spend a hell of a lot of time together. She said that she didn't want anyone else anyway when we broke up so I don't think she would do that to me. Anyway, I'm fed up of dreaming about her, I want them to stop but they don't!

Fern texted me today whilst we was both at work, it seems she's only got in touch whilst she's been working, not sure if this means anything at all! Anyway basically she just said that she was sorry that she couldn't see me yesterday and that we should meet up in the week so we could sort things out and I could pick my stuff up. I replied, I don't know if I should but I did, I kind of regret this now. I just said hello and that it was okay and that I hope she had a good time and that she was doing okay. I don't know if I should have said anything at all as she didn't text back.

After I came home from football I felt a little down but nothing major, looked at our pictures and smiled at them instead of crying. I think it really gets to me when she does something like update her Facebook status or something. One of her friends added a couple of pictures from last night, Fern looked so beautiful. I know that she's at work today, and that she'll be back at College on Tuesday due to the end of the Easter holidays so maybe just maybe once things have gone back to normal for a little she'll get back in touch, not just for me to pick my things up, but to talk and maybe get back with me, but I can't rely on that anymore. Anyway I'm off to work today and so hopefully that will keep my mind elsewhere for a good 7 hours! She hasn't said she misses me or anything else just yet but it's still only been 6 days, and everyday excluding one (which she texted me) there's been no real contact.

I feel weird right now, I haven't heard anything yet I feel okay? I haven't cried and I haven't really been down despite being on my own all day. Even though she planned to see me so I could get my things and stuff I haven't heard anything from her so I haven't bothered going to fetch it, in order not to annoy her. I woke up with a new mindset, no contact, not even with her family or friends now. If she wants me, she'll come to me, time and space is what we both need right now. I'm going to play football with friends in a hour and so that will keep my mind off things for tonight, although I still wonder what's she doing and if she's thinking of me too, it's not as bad as it's been in the past. This past week I've been a mess and I've let my emotions get the better of me. I feel like I've been selfish just thinking about me when she's suffering to cope with the loss of her Father, I'm sure she knows that I love her and care for her, and hopefully she'll come around given time and space. My fingers are crossed anyway. I don't know if this means anything but she hasn't changed her Facebook relationship status but then again that's probably just me looking into things too much.

Thank you. Of course I'll come back here and keep you up to date with what's going on and how it's taking it's toll on me, but for now it's time to wipe it all away, it's the only thing that can be done. It just hurts to see that she is seemingly doing everything else she normally would except spend time with me. Take care of yourself and if you end up understanding things, just let me know so hopefully I can go the same way. I'm not going to wait around for a call because if I do that I know it's not going to come and that will just eat away at me. I feel that purely because she's been so busy just lately with things that she hasn't had time to think but that's all just if's and buts and it's something I can no longer spend time pondering over in order for me to recover fully. There's many things I'd like to ask her but right now isn't the time. I'm just going to leave her to it for now. She goes Ireland on the 9th May to bury her Dad's ashes, was thinking of giving her a text before she went, just something along the lines of "Hope everything goes okay in Ireland and you give your Dad the send off he deserves. Thinking of you. x" But that's 10 days away anyway and so anything can happen between then and now.

It's over, forever. How can she just dispose of me so easily? She can't even talk to me, yet I've been there for the past two years. Her friends just told me that she was mad because I went round her house on Tuesday to drop her Easter Eggs off, even though Fern texted me the next day saying it was fine that I went round. I can no longer cope with this, she's gone out with her best friends tonight to get drunk in town, why is it she can go out with them but can't even talk to me? And apparently now she's going horse riding with her family tomorrow so I doubt I'll get the chance to talk to her tomorrow either. But that's it, I'm not going to try anymore, I'm going to detach myself as much as I can. Tonight and the next few weeks are going to be so hard, but it's got to be done. Her friend said she'll get in touch when she's ready, and so I'll just have to wait, but I don't get why it's just me that's been treated so badly, I was there for her, I supported her and now she's moved on already it seems. I'm never going to understand all of this, I'd like her to come back to me but I don't feel like she will anymore. Her friend said that she doesn't want anyone else but doesn't want me anymore. I just want to crawl up in a ball and cry, she meant so much to me, she still does. I know I should be more sensitive during this time but what's she doing isn't fair, and it's mean and cruel.