Tom19

Haha, I'd rather I share your bad luck than just you have it all! Hopefully getting a new car tomorrow, and I have a job interview for promotion next week too!

Things are going just great right now.. On Saturday I broke my phone and this morning my car decided to pack up as well.

At least you have something, right now I have nothing. The fact you can't put a time on something like this either is hurting, I could wait for a year and she might still not ever want me in her life again.

Thank you! I haven't received a reply and I don't expect to, I just have to be patient!

I sent Fern a e-mail today, anyway this is what I said..

Hi, I've never lost anyone in my life really and so I don't really understand what you're going through. My ex girlfriend's (we split up 2 months after her Dad passed away) Dad passed away on the 22nd February this year and so I'm just trying to see and understand what she is going through as it's something I can't understand, and can only apologise for my ignorance. My ex doesn't talk to me anymore but she knows I'll be there if she wants me, she can be with friends but her Mum tells me that she isn't dealing with her Dad's death very well. I'm just trying to get an understanding by reading topics and posts like yours. I'm ever so sorry that your Father's passed away.

I guess that makes sense Niamh! Although I won't really know the answer unless we sit down and speak about things, something Fern clearly isn't in the right frame of mind to do at the moment. The past few days have been tough, it's so hard to not have Fern there. A lot of the time I don't know what to do with myself, I just wish I could turn back time and change things, but I know I can't. It's my birthday in 2 weeks time, the same day would also have been 2 years that me and Fern would have been together, I don't know if she'll be touch before then at all or even say Happy Birthday or anything to me.

Yeah, it's horrible! Sometimes I just feel so angry and let down by her, I hate how I can't understand things. The one thing that has got to me through all of this is that she can be friends, she can be with anyone apart from me? Fern can't even talk to me! I just want to know why.

The thing is, I'd rather Fern sort it when she's ready to talk to me a little more. I think it hurt me so much because of how it was, she looked so down and she just seemed so unhappy. All she was doing was lying on the sofa when I walked up her path, wrapped in a blanket watching tele with her brother. I just miss everything about her. I miss not being able to text her random things during the day, having someone to go home to and rant about things with, to just cuddle up and stay warm with, to hold someone's hand, to walk my dog with, to talk absolute nonsense with, to make little jokes with, to turn to and give her a little kiss, to make her laugh, to see her smile when we look at each other, to annoy her and wind her up, to just have that feeling that she would always be there, to buy things for, to spoil her, to text in the morning, to text before I go sleep, to wake up next to, to call beautiful, to make me feel like the luckiest man alive, to do things with, someone to call mine, to be able to talk to friends about, to kiss her on the forehead, to make things with, to help me look after my nephews, to walk her dog with her, to pick her up from work, to call in the middle of the night if I can't sleep, to dream about and then realise things are actually better in reality, to know I'm making her happy, to hear her say I love you, to make her laugh, to watch films together.

Argh disaster! Just been sorting my bedroom and found loads of Fern's stuff! Thought she was out and so I popped around (we live a one minute drive from each other) expecting it just be her Mum or Brother home. Anyway.. Fern was there. So I didn't know what to do and just said "Is it okay if I just drop your stuff off?" so she replied "Yeah, go on then." Anyway I went to my car and got her things. Went back and gave them her and she said "Thank you, I'd give you yours but I've not managed to sort it all out yet" so I just went "That's fine, are you okay?" Fern said "Yeah, I'll text you when I've sorted things." And that was that. Got home, I cried. She wasn't fine! I know Fern and I know she wasn't fine. Kind of feel bad for going round and dropping her stuff off but it just kept reminding me and I didn't think she was home (she's normally with friends on a Monday night) Don't really know to read about it all, is she holding my things for a reason? Or is it just that she doesn't feel like sorting it? I don't know. But I'm going back to complete no contact I think. I hate how much I miss her!

I don't feel like I'm doing too well though. It's when I dream of her and then I wake up thinking about her and because I'm not seeing or speaking to her it doesn't go away at all sometimes! It's been 15 days since we've spoke now.

Well at least I had a good weekend, was out with a friend on Saturday and bumped into Fern's cousin and so I stayed with her all night, which was nice! And today I was with my friends for my mates leaving meal. Was with both of Fern's best friends too but we never spoke about Fern anyway, I didn't want to, they asked a little but I'd rather not say anything to them as they could easily just go and tell Fern whatever I say, best to keep things to myself or to people that don't know Fern.

Thank you for your input Eve! It's greatly appreciated. I am so sorry to hear about your situation, I hope you're okay! Today at work I had another visit from Fern's family, this time her Mum, Sister, Aunt and cousin came in to say hello. Apparently Fern isn't doing very well at all at the moment, and doesn't seem to do anything apart from go work, stay at home or go out with family. Her Mum told me to keep patient and that she's sure she will come around eventually, but yeah, Fern's struggling right now. One of our mutual friends has a leaving party tomorrow before he leaves for America on Thursday for three months, although I've been told that Fern isn't going (I am) so I guess she's still not up to doing much and is really struggling to cope at all right now. I just wish she would let me in but I understand her reasons for not wanting to hold me back, although I don't see it like that, I want to be there but she doesn't think it's fair and so won't let me in.

It's just a monthly fee of £4 a month. She also has £100 of my money at hers, it's kind of a good job I'm not short on cash at the moment! I seen your other topic you posted, I'm sorry about that, hopefully you find a new job soon! I did read through that other one as well, I'll give it another read through properly on Monday as I'm busy all this weekend! It might help me as I'm having a little bit of a setback just lately, I keep dreaming of Fern again and so not sleeping properly at the moment!

Hey Kay, Still in the same place as I was three days ago, will be 2 weeks on Sunday since we've spoken. Came across some other things of Fern's today and a letter was posted at my house for her, so I'll hold onto that until she gets in touch. Still got my stuff there too, also got some money there and we have a joint DVD rental account, the only thing is the DVD is at Fern's and so I'm being charged but I can't actually use the service although it's only £4 a month for that so it's not a big deal. Hope things are starting to look up for yourself! x

I do hope you didn't take offence to my last post, looking back at it, it does seem to be a little bit harsh and I never meant to come across as argumentative or like I was disregarding your views, because I wouldn't as you have helped me through this and your advice has been great. I'm not looking to text her everyday, I'd texted her when I wanted and when I feel it's right for Fern, not for me. I just don't want to feel like I've forgotten or abandoned her through this and that I'm still here for her and that I understand her decision and respect her for it. The fact we're still very young, does make things different, it's a lot for her to cope with.

I'm not sure about things, I contacted Fern because it was what I felt was right, just a simple text to tell her that I'm thinking of her. It didn't do anything to me, I'm not disappointed that she didn't text back, I never expected her to, I wasn't asking a question and I didn't want her to feel like I was pressurising her into getting in touch, I'm sure she will get in touch in time and that's why I've decided it's just best for me to forget about my stuff for now, it's not important at the moment, Fern's important and I don't want to drown her. I never expect Fern to miss me, I don't expect her mind to be anywhere else apart from thinking of her Dad right now, it would be selfish of me to want her to miss me, I'd rather Fern be happy than miss me, I can deal with being without her but I still love and care for her as much as I ever did. I'm not saying that if she sorted things out to a point where she thought we could be together again then I would want to, because compared to 3 weeks ago, my understanding of the situation has changed massively and I can partly see where she is coming from now. Although I'll never fully understand until I go through the unfortunate events of grief. Whilst our situations are similar, they're also very different. The fact that yourself and Jim were due to be married is obviously much more serious than two friends who decided to make a go of things in a relationship which worked. There was nothing else, we was happy yet this has had a massive effect on Fern, any 17 year old who loses her Dad is going to be distraught, not only that but Fern and her Dad were the closest Father and Daughter I've ever known. This doesn't change anything that I feel for Fern or what Fern feels for me, it's just right now she can't deal with a relationship and I respect her for telling me. I'm sorry if this comes across as I'm disregarding your opinion, because I'm not. You're a good person and I wish you the best and I sincerely hope things work out for you better in the future. We both know that I probably wouldn't be posting here if I didn't care about things, but I do, and that's why I seeked out help.

I actually broke my no contact today and texted her, I didn't say much just "Hope you're okay x" She didn't text back but it's not like I expected anything, just wanted her to know that I've not forgotten her. Also when I was at work today Fern's Auntie and Uncle popped in to say hello to me and see how things were going, which I thought was nice of them. I asked how Fern was and they said that sometimes she seems okay but others she isn't and that things are only just starting to calm down now after everything that's happened. I still need my stuff from Fern although I don't know if it's best for me to ask for it right now, I'm not entirely sure what to do. Anyway I'm off to the gym!

We have a huge amount of mutual friends that's the problem, so it was easier for me to just get rid of it all for now, I can easily retrieve it back by logging onto it again, so that's not a issue, it's just I didn't think just blocking Fern would do. It also cuts me off from her friends as well so they can't ask me questions about it all, that way no contact is truly no contact, which there hasn't been for a week now. Last night was the first time I've slept properly, I say properly, I woke up once at around 5am but then went straight back sleep, it's the first time I've managed that in 5 weeks! Things are getting there, I still miss her, care for her, love her but I feel like I'm dealing with things a lot better now. I feel like I'm starting to get a better understanding as to where she's coming from and why she did end things which makes it easier. I no longer hold any hope of her coming back to me really, purely because it made me feel rubbish when I was clinging onto it. Of course, if she wanted to talk about things and maybe look at a relationship then I would think about it, but I don't think I would jump at it anymore. Fern hurt me and then cut me out altogether, maybe because she felt guilty and wanted to protect herself too, although that's just a guess as we still haven't had the chance to talk about things. I don't know if it is different being each others first love, and the fact that we're only teenagers still, if things don't pan out for us then I'm not going to wish her bad, I understand I reacted wrong for the first two weeks after we broke up but I just couldn't go no contact straight away, it was too hard I thought when really I should have just left her and maybe things would be different right now, but we'll never know. The last thing I want to do is come across as selfish, I don't understand what she's going through right now, and so it would be unfair of me to wish for her to come back and miss me.

I've deactivated my Facebook so my profile won't show up anymore, I checked Fern's Facebook through a friends account. It will be a week tomorrow since we have spoke, and I feel that I'm doing well. I still miss her and still thing about her a lot of the time but I haven't cried since Wednesday I think. I haven't made any contact about her to mutual friends or her family either, I'm going to leave it for another week and then get in touch if she hasn't about sorting my stuff out. Maybe she might open up a little then although I don't expect it. Edit: Just got in from being with friends, currently 1:31am over here. I don't understand how I can be fine and then as soon as I'm on my own, bam! Things go bad again, I miss everything about her right now. It's been a week since I've heard a thing from her, and it's the little things like being able to send her any random little text and her just texting back calling me a geek or idiot or something. I can't do that no more.

Oh yes, sorry! Yeah she went on Monday but came back on Wednesday. I went on her Facebook page through a friends yesterday, apparently she's not drinking anymore after tonight, don't know if that means anything at all, maybe it will be the start of her getting a life back together? I've still not made contact with her, it's been 5 days now. Still struggling to deal with things, I went and joined a gym today though so hopefully that will begin to occupy me a little more over the coming weeks.

Sorry if this is stupid but I don't understand the question?

Todays been another okay day, day 4 of no contact. I can see this weekend being bad though, I know she's going out tomorrow night so it makes me feel down again. No sign of her getting in touch either, really want to text her but I wouldn't know what to say and if she doesn't reply then I'll be back to feeling rubbish again.

Today was a better day. Been talking about making plans for a holiday with my friends in September too.

I love sitting here crying about a girl who doesn't want to talk to me or want me in her life anymore.