azbrian

Congratulations to your daughter Cheryl !! I now live about 40 miles from my three kids. I call them once in awhile to see how they are doing and they say they are doing fine but I am not really sure. I saw my two sons at my 2 year nephew's birthday party last Saturday and the do seem okay. My oldest hinted at he was not sleeping well but he also works a lot and his semester just started. And your right Cheryl, there will be someone missing from the pictures of the birthday party. Wow, 80 to 100 people, that's a big party ! It must have been hard for your daughter to put the slide show together. Looking through all the pictures and then selecting the music, she gets a big way to go girl from me. As far as watching the slide show your daughter put together, that would be tough for me to watch as well. I think it will be tough for everyone at the open house when it plays. I really hope you have more fun tonight than tears. Take care

Is your "old boss" paying for your time on the emails? He laid you off, he is a big boy, he can figure things out himself or hire you back. Short or long, I don't know which is worse Kay. You know what, they both suck. All I know is the look in Ruth's eyes, was she looking to me for help or were they just fixed, that is one thing I will never, never know. I really wish that she had no idea what was going on. Her mouth could not open, there was no real facial expression and she could only use her left arm to try and pull herself up as I tried to get her to lie back down, she never opened her eyes or was awake after that and in 18 hours she was gone. The daymares I mentioned I was having before have stopped but finding her like that, those images will never leave. When I am reminded by something or think about it, they return as the clearest and sharpest memories I have ever had in my life. I changed my picture to the 3 most important things to her and she did a great job with them. Tom (23), Becky (19), Matt (20). This picture is one of many they did themselves and gave them to us for Christmas last year. Ruth was robbed of seeing them get married and holding her future grandchildren.

Cheryl, I apologized because I didn't want you think I did not appreciate your sending me the group information. I thought I was getting some what of a handle on this but whatever I thought I had, I lost it. Not having a job and having to live with my sister does not help. We get along great and I love her for doing it but I hate it. Not where I should be at this stage of my life. Maybe what Ruth and I went through the last two years was not enough punishment for whatever the hell we did wrong or to someone. Maybe losing Ruth was not enough punishment yet for me either. Maybe I need to just move out into the streets, really try and hit the bottom of whatever is going on. I think I'll make a drink or three and think that over.

I have something to do today ! I get to go to one bank to pull out my massive amount of unemployment for the week and then head over to my bank to deposit. The massive amount that cut my nutrition assistance to $16.00 a month and that same massive amount that cuts my medical off in August. I sure am glad all of my paychecks over all of my life contributed to these.......... Ooops, got sidetracked......... After that I'll run over to Fry's to pick up the items on my grocery list. Exciting stuff !! Maybe when I get back I'll check my search agents for jobs. I have not done that for days, just getting tired of trying I guess. Cheryl was nice enough to tell me about a meeting last night and I really do appreciate the thought. I am sorry Cheryl, I didn't go. I know there is a HOV group meeting tonight. The mood I am in, I probably won't be going to that either. I need to get out of the house but I don't want to go anywhere. I never used to be a complicated kind of guy. I also need to get a new cell phone carrier,my Verizon contract is up on the 6th, finally ! After 10 years with them you think they give me a year free . I am leaning this time towards pre-paid this time like Cricket. Picking cell phones is not easy either. Not sure if I want a Zio or the Optimus C. And I only have until Sunday to decide........LOL Take care

Good luck with the relay and the shirts look great Harry.

Kay wrote.... "I have never once been invited to the home of close friends we used to go camping with and have dinner and barbeques with. ???" Interesting. IMHO............ So some people (not talking about your family and friends Kay) in general may not want the remaining partner around because it makes them uncomfortable, they don't know what to say or do because the other partner is no longer here. Or I am sorry, I guess of course they could be that stupid. The thing about my Mom is she has been pushing my Dad for years to take the Alzheimer’s tests, they are both in their 70's. He actually scored well in them but he is getting older. He is not as bad as what she is always saying to him. Now my Mom, she is the one that really should be having tests but will hear nothing of it. It does not help that my Mom has never been wrong (it just didn't work out right) and she knows everything about everything...... LOL

Unless I make contact, I am not hearing much anymore from people. That includes the kids. Except my sister who I live with. My parents do stop by, they don't live far from here. I do worry about what my Mother might say, really about anything. How can I say this, she has been lacking filters for a little over a year now when she speaks. She also does not seem to realize what she has said to someone to upset them even when she is asked why she would say something like that. She just moves on or my Dad tries to cover for her. We did not have a large circle of friends and my working 3pm to 11pm with one weekend day didn't help that cause. Ruth hated that shift, our youngest son was still home then but she didn't like being "alone" at night. Speaking of working, nothing burning on my job hunt still. I feel for ya Kay. Sorry they treated you the way they did your last day. Matter of fact I have not really looked much in the last couple of days. But if I don't get a job real soon I am going to go nuts. I need to be out of this house I am in all day, seven days a week. I need to be talking with people again just like everyone else. I am tired of talking just to myself to try and keep sane. But then I know what I am going to say before I say it, right? Hmmmm, that was kinda deep or something..... Still does not seem to be a good job market for middle age white guys. Maybe I'll start selecting the Mixed box. I am a mixture of several countries, German, Hungarian, England, Italian and some Scottish. Yep, I am a mixed mutt. Like the Styx song says, "I have too much time on my hands and it's tick, tick, ticking away........" Thanks for reading the rant. Take care

Hi Marc, I am sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend and wife of over 27 years to an aneurysm on March 30, 2011. I believe there is no set time to get over it and your right. You have to find your "new normal". I have been in this group for about a month now and you have found a place for listening, compassion and concern for each others well being. My dominate emotion's are the pain and the loss. Anger, let me just say I am not angry at Ruth. That will be the last thing I deal with when ever everything else get's to my "new normal", if that ever happens. Welcome to the group

I am happy that our youngest son was finally able to go visit his Mother. It's the first time since the service at the cemetery. He could not get himself to do it before, I told him when your ready, your ready. Our oldest son has been. Our youngest has not been and I am not sure how she is doing with this. I had typed "my" at first were you now see "our' in the spots above with the kids. I replaced them and I don't know why. The VA had flags on all of the sites this past weekend. If it attaches there will be a pic below.

Thank you Cheryl

Hi Melina, I don't have anything great or wise to say to help you. You have been in this longer than I have and I don't think I am looking forward to how I will feel then. You are right, you are writing here just to get the feelings out of your body and to a place where people understand. I also think when you write things that you don't know why (like we all do) it does help everyone that reads and/or replies. At least for me, it makes me want to try in a small way to reach out or help someone because they feel as crappy about this as I do. Besides, I am always posting of writing things and don't know why. I wrote a letter to the Arizona Diamondbacks to tell them that they lost a fan this year. I know Ruth is not the only one this year and not a well known fan but I just felt like baseball needed to know because she liked it so much. I told them about her as a fan and the things she did and said during games and the entire season. It was something we did together that will not happen again. Maybe that was a weird thing for me to do and I don't know if I will send it to them or not. Oh, the I don't want to do this anymore, this is getting old and am I getting anywhere is also my own topic of today. Take care

I appreciate the thoughts and I am not keeping track. It just popped in my head the other day. Today is two months but I felt worse a couple of days ago when I first wrote about this than I do about it today.

I hope your doing okay today............. Take care

We all be thinking of you Monday !!!!!

It just dawned on me that in a couple of days it will be two months. All the energy just drained out of my body and the pain is overwhelming. Two #!$%# months.

Harry, I really don't know what to say after reading your post above except thank you for sharing what you both went through. When I find myself down or read something like you wrote I know I am not alone. Which of course means others are suffering like I am which also makes me sad. Speaking of Sad............ Hang in there Sad, keep on talking to us. There are days (not many) when I think I have this under control and then there are days that just seem to go by. Where those days go , I don't know, time is different now. Then there are the days that I am not ready to talk about until I can understand them a little better myself. Sad, I am looking at a picture of Ruth and right now I am sad, angry, depressed and a lot of other things right now. You are not alone. Take care all

Thanks Marty, I didn't know you had to set both.

Hi James, nice to met you as well. Wow, up until about two weeks ago I lived about 3 miles from there. Now it's about 40 miles. Any meetings ever anywhere else/ Thanks

Thanks Marty. But sometimes, like today, I feel like I am just going through the motions. Probably because I have so much happening (and not) at once. A big one is finding a job. Again today I applied for a position at one of the largest retail copy/shipping stores in the world. A company that I have been applying to for a long time now and have not been hired. A lot of that has to do with the internals getting the positions. I lost out again two days ago because of that. The recruiter for the company keeps telling me to apply and let her know what I have applied for. I have passed all of their tests been interviewed by most of the District Managers, recruiters and managers in this area. One of the DM's that interviewed me a couple weeks ago sent me an email after the interview saying he was passing my info and background to more of the DM's in other area's of the valley. Yes, I am applying to a lot of other companies but this is the industry that I know best. Sometimes I just think they are kicking me in the head and seeing how many times I want to get kicked in the head. But this is the company I really want to work for. Right about now Ruth would be telling me I was being stubborn and if I want to stop feeling tormented by this company, stop applying. She would be right but she also knew that I hate to lose more than I am stubborn. Hmmm, speaking of Ruth, why isn't her picture showing up on my posts ? It's on in my profile.

Sad, We are always hear listen to you. Type whatever you want as often as you want. I went to my first group meeting today. Trust me Sad you (all of us in here) are not alone. I have a favor to ask and will respect your wishes if you say no. Is there anything else we can call you besides Sad? Take care

The meeting I went to this afternoon was great. I really can't say what went on but I think I can state the obvious (since this is what the meetings are about) that there were some hurt, grieving and angry people. The people there were nice and the counselor that ran the group was great. I can tell about what I did, I think, since it's me and I am in here right ? LOL Gotta stop that thinking thing.......... I did share about Ruth and some other things but it was the reader's digest version. I really wanted to listen and learn from my first meeting what others say and do not only at the meetings but in their every day lives. I also wanted to see if I have anything to contribute / support to others speaking at these meetings and I did. When the meeting starts everyone starts, (taking turns of course) just like we all do in here. If you have something to say, say it just like we all write in here. I will go back to this group in two weeks but I am also going to check out some of the other groups if I can, some closer to my age if possible. If you have groups in your area, please check them out.

I am going to go to my first group meeting, HOV has one tomorrow afternoon. I have to admit, I have never been to any kind of group meeting like this before.

Dwayne, Tammy, Ruth was from Lowell, Mass. I went back once with her. Nice area except for those rotary things you have to drive in..... LOL

I can understand why you would not want to say it KayC In my case, and why I think it came out then, I was finally letting myself know the real Ruth was not under that ground underneath me. Which was something else that was bothering me. There a coming and I am not looking forward to the 115 degree days and 105 degree nights in Phoenix........ Take care

As I turned to leave her grave site this morning, after I told her I loved and missed her I said, "Good bye Ruth." As I said it my head snapped up and realized I had never said that to her yet. I have said many things to her but I was never given the chance to say good bye. I guess it just had to finally surface. Something good about today............. It is 86 and the sky is bright blue. Arizona weather can brighten your day sometimes. Take care