azbrian

Sad, Is there a family member or friend you can call and talk to or maybe can come over? Please do not drive to them. The person that told you to get over it, just does not get it. Please put that out of your mind. Take care of yourself tonight, that is the most important thing to do.

In the short time I have been in here I am starting to realize the task that I face. And the fact that is not going to go by any plan I think I have. I thank everyone that replied to my posts. The words of encouragement and the information provided has helped me a great deal. The hardest one's for me are having patience with myself and to stop trying to push myself through the process. I have been organizing myself today with a schedule that is something I can manage. Not one that was so huge I could not find a way to start it. I am also half way through MartyT's book, " A Guide for the First Year". Thank you Marty. Oh, I did have to chuckle to myself after the part about not making major decisions for 6 months to a year an not to move unless you had to and changing jobs is not a good idea. I had to move and am still looking for a job....LOL If I feel like it yet today (see, I am learning) I will research some of the groups in the area to go to. Thanks Cheryl. I am going to visit Ruth tomorrow, I have not been there in about a week. I still have to work myself up to go there. That bothers me and something I plan on fixing. Take care,

I am glad everything went well for you today Tammy. Including the sun !! That always helps.

Hi Kenman1, I am sorry for your loss. Your wife's fight of 3 1/2 years is mind boggling to me, what a tough lady Vicki was. This may sound strange but......... After being in here several days I know I am now thankful that I did not have a decision in the 18 hours I did have and any other amount of time. I am glad (can't think of another word) that Ruth did not suffer longer than 18 hours. Like everyone told me when I got here, this is a great group of people. Type away whatever you need to type, there is no judgement here. I know, I have shared some things here I did not think I would ever in a forum and have only received support. Take care,

Well KayC, I know I am right about unemployment can be extended past six months if you apply and they approve. I did find out this afternoon that max unemployment $214 week/net, $856 month/net gets you $16.00 a month in nutrition assistance. That's because I make too much money, that's right I make too much money. Why not just say denied, period. Really ? Are they laughing when they tell people $4.00 a week? They at first cut my medical as well because I made too much as well but then gave me 5 months for first time use per state law. I have never collected any unemployment or any other kind of benefits in my life prior to January of this year. I am 51 and have been working and paying taxes since I was 15. Got to get back to work, I really don't what to deal with our government any more.

The replies all have great info, thank you. So I am going wacko. I am kidding !! Sorry, guess I have a strange sense of humor as well. I really do appreciate the help and info. KayC I never could or will understand a man or woman cheating on their mate. Knowing Ruth over 28 years I have never even thought about it and like most marriages ours wasn't always perfect either.. But that's the point to get it to work right ? Anyway, I guess I just am not built that way. But to cheat on you when you have already (are) gone through hell losing your husband. Sorry, I cannot understand what kind of man that is.

Hi KayC, I am in the same boat, unemployment and after Ruth passed I moved in with my sister until I find a job. Never thought that would ever happen but then there is a lot of things we think will never happen that do. If someone told me last year I would be living with my sister I would have asked for one of whatever they were drinking. Unemployment is some cases can last more than 6 months. I am hoping to be back to work somewhere before that though. Take Care

I know it is not usual to have nightmares with the grief process, I don't seem to have them. Like most I do wake up and don't always sleep well. I do have a nightmare during the day when I am awake and it is the same one and it will just happen even if I am not thinking about it. It always stops me in my tracks. I'll spare you the details of it. It is when I found my wife and tried to get her to respond to me and what happened between then and when the ambulance came. Those images of the last time I saw her moving (trying to move) and her face, the expression. The expression is the horrible part of the daymare. The aneurysm had already happened and I can't tell if she is aware of me or pleading for me to help her. The part of a nightmare that is the wake up or snap back to reality from the daymare. Nightmares, well you can just not sleep to not have them right.......... just kidding. How do you stop them when you are awake? Thanks for listening.

I hear all of you.......be patient, be gentle, slow down, you can't think your way out of this. Well, I guess I had to try and Ruth always said I could get stubborn about somethings. Still can't imagine why she said that about me..... KayC, I did go read some. Thank you for that. Cheryl, I really appreciate the info, thank you. I will check out the site this morning.

Thanks for the posts. Yes Harry, I am also still looking for a job and packing / moving right after Ruth passed did not help things. I did have a lot of help and still do from family. Without some of them I would be in worse shape than I am now. I am waiting for a grief counselor to call me, should be today. I am looking for physical help here in Phoenix and hope the counselor will have some locations in my area. Take care all

The things I decided I needed to start doing Sunday night with Monday as the start day……….. more aggressive job hunting, get out of the house a little, etc. Well, that lasted through Monday. It’s about 4:30 pm here and I just noticed I really did jack squat today. The dangerous part I guess is that I really didn’t notice the time go by. Except for trying to get on with my life (I am not saying that lightly, I know how hard that is for all of us) and getting a job I have nothing else to do. I had to move (we were going to) at the beginning of this month so I had to go through all of Ruth’s things the 2nd week after she passed. That project no one likes is done. I guess I could go through the boxes of her salt and pepper shakers that I have in storage and make sure none of them got broke in the move. She only has about 500 sets, that would keep me busy for awhile. Everyone is at work or school. They all have something to do. I just mope along. I should not say mope, time just seems to pass on by. I know I am doing this (I am a smart guy) I can’t stop doing it (I know better) I should be able to stop doing this (I never took things lying down) So what’s the answer ? I know exactly what I am doing and not doing. I just proved it above. And yet………..… this continues. Maybe the answer is I am not as smart as I think I am.

For some reason I started thinking about time today, which made me realize that today is my 49th day without Ruth. It does not seem that long and also seems like a very long time. Time seems to be moving fast and time seems to be moving slow. Time seems to be sneaking by me and I am aware it is there. Confusing ? Yes, but then I guess time is a concept. Right ? I have already learned quite a bit from all of you, I thank you all for sharing. I have learned that I better start getting my head out of this fog a little faster than I have been. The most important reason why is that Ruth would have been kicking my butt after the first week......... At least my sense of humor is creeping back, I can hear Steve Miller singing, "Time keeps on slipping into the future......." Thanks again

KayC, I am sorry that happened and I know exactly how you feel, that is what happened to me last December and I am still looking. KayC, it does seem that the hits keep coming and test that "it won't be more than you can bear" saying. Finally this past Sunday I took some time and let any and all emotions run their full course. Only reason I mention this and I know I am new to this group. Is it does seem to have helped me focus a little more on things I know I need to be doing. Since my loss of Ruth is recent and I am still learning, I guess I am not really sure yet how to help support others in here but I did want to let you know I am thinking about you and hope you catch a break soon. We all need one of those once in awhile.......... Take care

Melina, I am new to first's, I have only gone through this past Mother's Day so I don't know any wise words to deal with this yet. All I can say is I will think of you tomorrow and hope you do okay.

Thanks for the responses, that was the hardest thing I have ever written. I am forcing myself to take better care of me even though part of me does not want too. That sounds strange even to me...... I almost feel like I have been slowly erased over the last two years and losing Ruth was the big and final wipe. This may sound weird but to fight my way back, I need to find me again. Nats, I mentioned I had read some of the posts in here before being able to post. Right before I was able to, I came across your post about your Ruth. Your post had the same affect on me as mine did to you.

This is my first post and I am glad I had to wait awhile to post today. It gave me a chance to read a lot of your posts and from those I realized I found a great site. I am sorry to all of you for your loss. I think my subconscious mind finally broke through today and forced emotions that I didn't know I was repressing. I think why I did was to make sure I was helping our three kids and I forced me to the back. They are adults but I felt they needed me more than I needed to take care of my emotions. My story really starts about two years ago, why I write this is because my wife Ruth stuck with me through everything good or bad for 27 years. We had to close our business after over 20 years, file bankruptcy, lost our home. I got a job for almost two years but lost that in December 2010. As bad as that was and why I told all of you about it, I would relive those days for the rest of my life if she was still here with me. On March 29, 2011 I found her in bed and she would not respond to me, I will never forget those images of her trying to get up and the glazed look in her eyes. Rushed to one hospital and then air lifted to another. We were told she had a devastating aneurysm and if she survived the surgery she probably would not survive more than a week and she would not be able to talk and may not be aware we were there. If she did survive past that she would need 24 hour care for the rest of her life. I knew what she wanted done and what I was going to do but I did discuss all options with our kids. Thankfully they all agreed on what had to be done. Late that evening I had my best friend and wife of 27 years life support removed. As time passed we all hoped just once she would wake up so we could say good bye. That is the part that really hurts. She fought until 6:30 am on the 30th. I kissed her forehead and told her I loved her. All of this happened in 18 hours. She did have all of her family there the entire time. I think we had more people in that room than we were suppose to but no one at the hospital said anything but ask if we needed anything. Rebuild my life at 51, this should be interesting…………. It's been an emotional roller coaster writing this and I don't know how long it has taken me to write this but thanks for letting me vent.