azbrian

Yes, this is a good topic. I have not had anything really positive happen in a long time but I guess I also have not been working hard enough how to break up the negative and depressing thoughts I have. When I try and do something, focus can be an issue for me. I am always flipping back and forth from Ruth to not working in my head and wind up with a lot of nothing done.

Harry, Ruth was the same way about pictures. Somehow, some way whenever any one tried to take a picture of her. She knew it and almost always somehow all you got was a picture of the back of her head. It was really hard finding good pictures of her for the service, there simply is not that many. Her sister Sue was helping me go through all of the pictures we could find in the house and we did get some. When we were done hours later she looked at me and said now what about this one. It was a small picture of the back of Ruth's head. Sue said she wanted to put at the bottom of one of the picture boards because everyone in the family would get it. We then both started laughing about it and agreed Ruth deserved that...........

I know how you feel pinkpony, when my sister is at work everything is quiet. I have Ruth's Boise I bought her for Christmas several years ago but I keep thinking about pulling it out but I never do. Except for looking for a job, I don't have much else to do. Trying for something somewhat positive, unless those little trolls out there are still messing with me like they have been the last two years In my hunt for a job today, FedEx Office had two positions open at the same location. About two miles from were I am living !! This is finally a good sign or the above mentioned trolls poking at me........... I have lost other positions I had applied for with them because if internals applying and getting them. I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

Hi Dave, You wrote, "II as a nurse know that a great many people are "tortured" witht eh family prolonging the inevitable.." That is why when I knew in my head not my heart that Ruth was already gone and she might be suffering even though she was on meds, that I told them to pull her breathing tubes. I was not going to have her lie there like that any longer than she wanted she wanted to. Our nurse, Carolina, said she would get the doctor and they would be back and that everyone would have to leave the room while they did this. I told her that I would let everyone know but that I would not be leaving the room. She repeated that I could not stay and that it can be very upsetting to watch. I looked at her and told her that I will not let Ruth go through any of this alone regardless if she knows I am there or not or what it may or may not do to me. It took about 9 hours for her to stop breathing, it seemed like it was about 9 minutes. Carolina was right, it was very upsetting. Next to my sister in law Carolina is the best nurse I have ever dealt with. She did a lot of things for us and Ruth, some things like about 20 people in the room she could have gotten in trouble for. Ruth passed about 20 minutes after her shift, she had stayed and I saw her crying at her desk outside of our room.

Not having a job since December, all days are the same for me. I don't know if that it's good or bad that they are all the same. I don't feel worse because it is the weekend like some of you do. I should be worried that all days feel the same ?

Is there anything I wish I didn't do this 1st yr Yes, I wish I wasn't doing this 1st year. Not being sarcastic, that is the 1st thing that popped into my head.

Yep........ panic, anger, frustration, aggravation, the list goes on ........... Your not alone. Especially since I spend most of my time like others in here, looking for a job. Or to be honest about it, try and look most of the day for a job. It is getting very discouraging and hard to remain focused on even though this is the most important thing I need to be doing. My cousin has me trying to branch out into the medical field, I have no medical training but she has found positions at Aetna were she works that are admin or customer service related that she thinks I have a shot at. My sister in law works at HOV and I even applied for a couple of those positions. But then if it keeps going the way it is, selling slushies at 7-11 is starting to look good Speaking of the emotions listed above, I just pulled out my file with all of my unemployment paper work in it. It is getting close to the time when it will run out and I need to see when that is and what I can do about getting it continued.

When I said my intent was not to offend or insult anyone I guess I should have added a couple more things. Like I don't think some people post too much or some people have to post more or explain why they do or do not do certain things. I know HOV has a lot of great programs and that people will pick and choose what works for them and of course the great people at HOV. To be blunt, I think I was having a pity party for myself the other day when I first wrote this post. I guess the other day I was hoping for some magic pill someone found, a pill that does not exist.

I am not posting this with any intent to offend or insult anyone. I know this group, Loss of a Spouse, Partner or Significant Other has the most posts by I believe about triple any other group. I have been in here about a month or so and have been pretty much been seeing the same people post in here. Not that there is anything at all wrong with that. I may not respond to every post but I do look forward to reading how all of you are doing or not doing and learning something from all of you about this process we are going through. But.................... Why are there so few people in here ? Where are all of the other people that lost someone, if they do not need to find a group like this, then how are they dealing with this ? It is not that I want anyone else to suffer and have to join or that I want this to be a massive group. Am I somehow different than them or is something wrong with me that I need to be in here chatting with all of you and they don't ?

Dwayne, I hope one of those good days is today for you. What is still strange at least for me, the good days are not noticed until the next day. I am still not "living" in the moments of the present day ? Very strange. Take care

Sorry I missed it Melina.............. Happy Birthday !!! Take care

A couple of minutes ago I was having a cup of coffee and checking emails when it dawned on me that yesterday was a good day. The time's I was reminded of Ruth by something or thought of her yesterday did not make me cry, maybe a little moist. I smiled when the thoughts came. It's like she was more with me yesterday when applying for jobs, especially on some of the assessment tests I took for jobs yesterday. Yesterday my contract was up with Verizon so I did go with Cricket yesterday and they had a special for $100 of cell phones. That was really a surprise so I got the the LG Optimus C I really wanted for $99. The same price as the really low quality phone I was almost going to have to buy. So I now have a Smartphone/Android cell phone. So far the phone is smarter than me (can't believe all the things in this phone) and it does seem alien to me................... I watched one of her favorite Monday night shows last night, Cake Boss. One spot Buddy the Cake Boss, said something really funny. One of his Buddy'ism's and I could actually see her laughing at that in my mind. I am going to try and watch another of her favorite shows tonight, Deadliest Catch. My oldest son Tom seems to be doing better after having that gun stuck in his face last Friday and is going to a counseling session today that the city of Mesa set up. I hope everyone finds one piece of happiness somewhere today.

Harry, I hope the second relay brings even more support to you. Take care Brian

Congratulations, Carol Ann !

Hi Dave. I think we are all strong and brave. After all, we are here and we want help and we want to give help. It just a matter of where each of us is on that strong and brave scale and like any scale it will move up and down. Take care.

I have of course been thinking of and including my kids in the "it never ends" and whatever else goes on. Maybe it does stop a little and some good does happen once in awhile. I am actually happy for the first time in months. They actually caught the SOB that held a gun to my son. I am simply amazed. The odds on catching someone in an event like this like a thousand times under zero. The police arrested the guy while he tried stealing a woman's purse about 2 hours after he tried robbing Tom. Maybe they had more police in the area because of a guy was running around with a gun. There was an officer sitting in his car about a block away and saw the guy taking her purse and chased him down. I don't know if tasers, clubs and mace was used but I can hope. Even though I never watched COPS, I have seen the commercials and I hear in my head "Bad boys, bad boys....", I don' t know the rest.......... Simply amazing. Tom and the woman (about 55-60 Tom said) both got to see him through the glass and do all those things. Tom said the woman was also very upset. Then Tom went to talk with the counselor. He said it went okay but I don't know. He said he had a panic attack which took about 15 minutes to shake and he would not tell me what he was talking about at the time. Could be he just finally hit a breaking point. I wrote earlier this is the third major event in his life in the last 6-8 months. He has been given 2-3 sessions in the next month with them he said. She also suggested a group but Tom said no to that. I told him that was fine you will do that when you want to. I really hope the guy is in Tent City with Sheriff Joe right now.

Carol Ann, I am sorry you are hurting and I hope all goes well on Monday. Take care

Sad, You do not need to say your sorry to us. Believe it or not Sad you are helping us. You are posting in here and letting us try and help you. I know it helps me. Thank you !! You will be doing the same for us and others some day. Do you still have the numbers Marty gave you to talk to someone or would you like me to go find them for you ? I am still down and out everyday, you are not alone. I am still learning how to deal with my down and outs so they are tolerable. Tell us something else if you like, anything that is in your mind or heart you need to yell about. Take care

That is another reason why I posted it Kay, there are a lot of desperate people out there. I do have an update. Tom called me on his way into Mesa PD, they had called him in. Turns out about two hours after Tom's adventure they arrested a guy for about the same thing. Tom is not sure if it was the same kind of scam, he was going to ask. Tom will not be able to pick him out of any line up, maybe voice. Tom said the officer had noted on his report that Tom did not look stable at the scene. Not just because of what had just happened but about 6 months ago he was in a mall parking lot going to Barnes and Noble and some guy jumped out, punched him in the stomach and took his Ipod. None in bad areas. I think he told the officer about this and that he just lost his mother 2 months ago. After the interview to hopefully get this guy (insert many colorful metaphors here) in jail, they had set up for him to talk to counselors from the city because of what the officer wrote in his report. I text'd him a little while ago to see if he was still there, he was. I then asked if he was okay, no answer yet...........

Hi Cheryl, Thanks for sharing that. How was your open house last night?

I am so happy for you that she is okay !!!! Thanks for the thoughts about Tom. I declare we don't have any more days like today for a very, very, very long time.................. Take care

Hi Dave, I am sorry you lost Mike. Get back to a routine after 25 days....... As someone who thought the same and with all due respect Dave, IMHO forget about it. I thought I could think and plan my way back like I have always done my entire life. Not gonna happen. Not that I am not smart enough, it has nothing to do with being smart. It has to do with the raw emotions that most of us have never felt before on this level. I have lost my only grandparents and my only aunt and uncle and while I was very upset about that I have learned that losing Ruth (spouse/partner/significant other) is a whole different thing. Part of me died as well that day. I am trying now to go with the flow of my process because if I try and do my own thing, the crash backs are worse. I know now I can't fix this or the process I am going through. Take care

My oldest son Tom just called me. He was going to an interview, he had a phone interview last night with them and they gave him the address and told him to go to building B there today. On the phone Tom told me when he saw it was an apartment complex he thought he should have kept going. But he pulled in and as he did a guy game up to his window and asked if he was Thomas. As Tom turned he saw a guy in a mask with a gun. He demanded money, Tom said I don't have any and the guy cursed and ran away. Tom pulled into a Taco Bell and called the police. We talked for awhile and then Tom said, "Dad I usually Google the companies and I forgot and I'll never forget again." I am really getting tired of being tested on how much I can take. Because if it keeps going I am going to write a book about the last two years of my life and sell it to Hallmark to make one of those sad tear jerking movies they make. This terrified me, I could have lost someone else today, if Ruth were still alive I cannot imagine what kind of shape she would be in right now. It's gonna be a jack and coke night tonight.

Clear any picture out of there first. If it is spinning it may not be able to load because of the size of the pic. Check the size, the page says all photos must be no larger than 100 kB. I don't think the site likes bit mapped pics either. As for the image area can be no bigger than 150 pixels by 150 pixels but it says it will auto shrink that for you.

Hi Tammy, How did the Prom go? Did she have a good time? I know what you mean about Jeff missing at events. I was at my now 2 year old nephews birthday party last weekend. This was the first birthday party I went to since Ruth died. I was doing okay until he blew out the candles. That's when it hit me that Ruth was not there at the party and would not be at any other events. Take care