Earl C

Dwayne: Good work!! It sounds like, even with all the illness, you worked it out, and good for you. It's true that all of us have the great memories, and right now that's all we really have so we should make the most of them. I hope they'll see you through the darkest parts of loneliness, and I actually hope the same thing for myself and for all in this group. We do hope after the day you had that you'll feel so much better in the days to come, and that your sickness departs for a while!! Keep plugging away, it sounds like you're doing as well as anyone could expect. We all have this terrible burden we're carrying, and even if life will never be the same again, we need to keep fighting for our sanity and get through life as well as possible. Reading the pain people in this group go through is difficult, but it helps us to know we're truly not alone in all this. God Bless All, Earl C

Cheryl: I'm so sorry to hear of your hard time with this. I have to tell you that when you talk about having your very special man take care of these things for you, it's just about as bad for a man to have to endure this grief without his best friend too. Everything I do in the house, I know very well that I'm not even coming close to what my wonderful partner would do. I've had some of our kids and grandkids here for two weekends in a row, doing things that needed to be done outdoors, including constructing a nice memorial area around my flagpole, with some very good mementos of my Wife and the Son we lost in 2009. Naturally, I've needed to feed them all (17 a week ago Sunday, then 12 yesterday and 10 today), and while it would have been very easy for Wanda and I to prepare food that would make them all happy, I've had to resort to cooking some of their favorites Wanda would fix for them, and them bringing in some items, and yesterday instead of cooking out, I bought some BBQ. It's just so much different without my best friend, everything is crazy, and it's only been 3 months yesterday. Together we were dynamite at hosting, without her I may just implode. The kids try so hard to be here and help fill the void in my life, but it is so much different. I can iron, I can cook, I can clean, but knowing all the specifics of what works best, how to put it all together, they all came from her, and I miss her so much that not a person in the world would be able to understand except for you that are going through the same misery. I talk to her all through the day. I've now been through a Father's day, my 78th birthday, and now Labor Day. Her birthday on 11/2 is going to be pure torture, let alone Thanksgiving and Christmas. I feel so sorry when I read about you having such a hard time, and I truly wish there was something I could do to make you feel better about your constant plight, but I realize each of us has to go through our own burden. It is nice, though, to know that there are others out there pulling for us to get through this...and I'm pulling for you with all my might!! Hugs to all, Earl C

I believe everyone who has posted a reply to this train of thought has come up with valid reasoning for these lapses. I like the idea that (for some of us) getting on in years has an effect on people, even people who haven't experienced the tragedy we have. Almost everyone here is having to face their new reality at a younger age than myself. I just turned 78 last Tuesday, so having a declining memory has been with me for a while, even before I lost my precious partner. What I have been able to figure out about my new life is that, regardless of age, we've all been stripped of someone who was our most valuable asset in this life, so I know that when my Wanda and I were together we operated as a team. What one of us may forget, the other one was able to remember, so in effect, as we (seriously) joked about many times was "it takes both of us now to make one complete person". So, now, with just (tomorrow) three months of this new life under my belt, I'm only half a person. I truly could be expected to forget things, I may not have the same concentration level that I had, but after all I'm living in a different world, and with your help, doing OK, not nearly as well as I would want. Thanks to all of you working together, we can identify and work on all of our inner failures, but the one thing none of us should ever do is to get down on ourselves. We're coping, we're living in a world we didn't expect, didn't want. We miss what was once the focal point of our life. And, frankly, from reading the posts, in my opinion we're doing a great job of managing to recognize our own shortcomings. I haven't seen a post here by anyone who says they refuse to give it their best effort, and I know in my heart that's exactly what would be expected of us by our lost loved one. My message to myself, and I would hope for the same for you, is "just keep on working on getting better", and if I have down days or I have failures such as remembering something I should have thought of, it's OK, I'm only human, and I'm still just half the person I was when I had my best friend with me. I do know that trying to keep my mind sharp by doing crosswords or word exercises is a good thing for me in moving forward, so I try to learn something each day, even if it's something about keeping up the house, doing jobs my magnificent Wife did for many years. Brain exercise is important, and now that I don't have my caregiver when I'm sick, I need to do better at making sure I try my best to stay well. That takes time, energy, and thought too. Good work, all of you, and to myself, "keep battling it, and don't expect perfection". Lots of love and hugs to all....Earl C

Bless all of you who have these extremely sad but so terribly true stories to share. I think that's what makes us all better, to hear that we're not alone in our 'rambling, insane" thoughts. I don't think, after reading your tale of what actually happened, any of you should worry one more minute that you didn't do the right thing. I have to add that I didn't get that extended care-giving time (less than 30 days from diagnosis to the day I lost the most precious person in my life), and I'd give anything right now if I could be in the kitchen cooking her something to eat, doing the dishes, mopping the floor, and at the same time talking to her (I do that anyway, and I hope she hears) about what I'm doing, how she's feeling, and so on. In the short time my magnificent person was sick, we were trying to get her to radiation treatments hoping that would ease the pain so we could get treatment for the cancer. It didn't work, but every day I worried about how to get her dressed, get her in the wheelchair, into the car, get her into the Cancer Center, then back home. Every two to three hours I worried about how to get her to the bathroom and what pills she should be taking. I was even dumb enough that I was trying to fit her regular (pre-cancer) medication like her cholesterol pill, her Levothyroxine, etc, when I should have just forgotten all of those things because she truly was beyond them doing her any good. I worried so much about her having something to eat, I kept urging her to eat something, and I brought everything she had any idea she could eat. Again, I was worried that her organs might shut down if she didn't keep nourishment in her system. To be absolutely truthful as I look back, I was still of the belief that God wouldn't let her go, that we were due for a miracle. All this time I wasted trying to MAKE HER BETTER, when there was absolutely no way that was ever going to happen. I was wasting what valuable time we had, believing if I could get her well we had a whole lifetime ahead of us. How dumb...how utterly stupid I was wasting time like that when I should have been just hugging her, talking about how it would be without her...but I never in my mind or heart thought I would be without her. Then the ton of bricks came, and I still don't believe it. I walk into the kitchen and I stand there looking at the things she used to do. I water her indoor plants, and I know she should still be here doing it, with me just being the helper. She used to empty the dishwasher (we tried to run it twice a week, washed the dishes the other days), and when she took dishes out she wiped them off and set them on the counter. I'd come behind her and put all the dishes/silverware/glasses, etc in their respective places so she didn't have to reach. Now, I still try to run it twice a week, and I plan if after a bunch of the kids have come to visit, but I'm doing both her and my job....and I hate her not being there to talk to. So, yes, we've all earned some of what we may term guilt...but in fact we each did everything we could do under the circumstances, and if I had it to do over again I wouldn't be so insistent that I was going to get her well, I'd enjoy every minute we had together. I'm afraid I worried too much about her overall health and getting well, so I couldn't see what was really happening until it was too late. Now I want to have her back and spend the time just loving her. We were a loving couple, and I talked to one of her sisters today, and she told me that my best friend had told her she was in the happiest part of her entire life...but it's gone, and I feel like I'm gone too. But, each of us has to carry on, without guilt because we did what we could, and we need now to make sure that we reach out to make ourselves better, to get ourselves ready for the next part of this journey, the reunion....and I'm eager!! Love and caring to each of you, make yourself understand that we've done the best we could. For those with guilt, let it go and take care of yourself now. Earl C

Cheryl: Thank you for sharing!! It did a lot of good for me to know how this path goes as I wind myself through it. I'm only in the third month, and I know I have a long way to go, if that's what God has in mind for me. So many things you mentioned hit home to me, even for this brief time I've had to cope. My Wanda and I were also intertwined. Where you found one, you found the other. We cooked together, we cleaned together, we went for rides in the park and counted deer. We had a couple of revelations, one of those is engraved on our joint headstone at the cemetery: "Together Forever", a phrase we were telling each other right to the end. I truly believe that we will be forever together in eternity, trillions of years, though there is a brief period now where she's preparing the way for me, and I'm busy finishing up our affairs here on earth. The other thing that will always be embedded in my mind is that over the past couple of years at least, we joked with each other that it took both of us together to make one reasonable human being...so now I find myself (on earth at least) only half the person I want to be. The best place for both of us is together, so this interim time is wretched. There is, of course, a difference between men and women in dealing with these things. Some may not have been involved in the maintenance of the home, others not interested in knowing the financial part of dealing with issues, sometimes each person gets so involved in their part of the marriage that they don't really know how the other half works because their partner deals with that part. I believe in my heart that every man, and only a portion are, should be fully prepared to take care of himself. He should be able to cook, to do the laundry and iron, to send birthday cards out, to keep the house clean, etc. The good part of all that is that since my best friend in life and I did everything together, I can make gravy (you'd be surprised at the number of women we know, but especially men, who can't make gravy or cornbread or whatever is needed. Our grandkids thought that with Grandma gone, her specialties, such as her creamy macaroni and cheese, her German Chocolate cake, her homemade cinnamon rolls and potato salad, on and on, would be lost to the world forever. What they didn't realize, and they've seen since, is that Grandma and Grandpa were a team, and what Grandma could make, Grandpa can make....maybe not quite as good, maybe not with the same loving hands, but the 'secret recipe' is not lost, and even Grandpa can make and teach them to make these things. All that said, and with the fact that I can take care of myself, it's still way too difficult to live without her. What you said, Cheryl, about not wanting to live, I understand fully. But, wanting to get rid of myself has never crossed my mind, well at least since the first few days of never wanting to see another day. For the first month, one of our Granddaughters stayed with me, and every night she'd put out 1 Tylenol to help me sleep, but she thought she was hiding the rest of them so I wouldn't want to take more. I knew where they were, but I guess they finally decided I was capable of being off suicide watch. My faith tells me that would be wrong, and may even prevent me from joining with my partner later. Secondly, I know how dreadful that would be for 6 (should be 7, but we lost a 48-year old Son on 2/2/2009) kids, 20 grandkids and 13 great-grandkids. If all those people had to deal with the fact that they lost their magnificent Grandma and then on top of that their Grandpa killed himself, I just can't ever imagine putting them through that. My wonderful Wife would be so way beyond sad to know that. She, of course, wants me to have the strength to take care of our affairs. She wants me to look after her interests, not just say "I can't do this". I have to go forward, hard as it may be, and every day, every night I talk to her. I tell her that I miss her and love her with all my heart, and that I look forward to reuniting with her...but on God's time, not mine. He will tell me when I'm due for the reunion, and in the meantime I have to endure whatever grief and numbness goes with this unspeakable loss. There's lots of reasons for us to carry on, painstaking as it may be. One of the thoughts that I continually reinforce with myself is that if I had gone first, as was expected, my dearest Wife would have a terrible time dealing with this pain. In that sense, I'm truly glad that it's me who has to endure this terrible grief and not her. She was at the absolute highest point in her life (she would tell her Sisters and a couple of our very close friends), and to find herself in a horrific position such as this would be devastating to her. The kids all say that she would not have been able to deal with it even as well as I do, and I'm terrible at this lonliness, this feeling that the greatest part of my life is now ended. NEVER has become a word that I despise. Never will she be in her closet again, she will never sit in her chair, she will never again be my caregiver. How utterly sad that word. You mentioned, Cheryl, perhaps someday dating a man who would have to be a completely different person. I understand that attitude, and I envy you for being able to think like that, and I personally believe that our age has something to do with that. For instance, we lost our Son, and his Wife as in her early forties. We would never expect, no matter how much she cared about Joe, that she should live the rest of her life in a single, lonely mode (though I have a Sister-In-Law who was that same age, and she's never even considered having another man around after we lost my Brother, 2 1/2 years younger than myself), but again age is important. I will be 78 in less than a week now, and the thought of having another woman in my life is appalling to me....but if I were 50, who knows how I'd feel. I believe that all of that has to be dealt with on an individual basis, and none of us should judge someone else for whatever decisions they make. Each of us is a person, and each of us is responsible for our own happiness. Truly, no one else can make us happy, but if we find that one special person who contributes so much to our happiness, we are so very fortunate. Watch Divorce Court and see how many stupid people there are in this world who don't even know what true companionship, love for a spouse, happiness in being together is all about. It borders on being funny even if it is so sad to be like that. Sorry to get carried away and make this so long, but your post gave us all reason to think about the course we're on, and how we can get through it, especially when there are other caring people who are going through the same type of agony. I believe that if we all share, work together, we'll all make it to the 'other side' of this process....it will never (there's that word again) go away, but we can make it better. THANK YOU FOR MAKING IT BETTER for me, hopefully for others, especially those who haven't been as far into the process as you are. Lots of hugs to all of you, and let's keep making each other feel better. Earl C

Hi, Di: Boy, I do hope that the replies ahead of this one have helped you to change your mind about leaving. You are valuable to every one of us here. I mean that with all my heart, we're all in this hard part of life together. As I had said in an earlier post, I don't believe I should make an attempt to change anyone's non-belief any more than try to convert anyone to a different set of belief values. I think, just as in the majority of society, there are always going to be disagreements whether the subject is religion, politics, financial issues ...or even love of one's partner. What I have found, and again I have only been without my best friend in this whole world (I do have constant resources of family and friends, but not the chosen partner) for less than 3 months, I've seen that this is a very strange part of society...those who have lost their greatest asset, and now need help to go onward. Everyone tells me (in fact, I've heard it twice today) that my beautiful Wanda would want me to live the rest of my life in happiness, and they're more than likely right. But, my true happiness left when they took her to the funeral home. What the wonderful people on this site offer me is a chance to converse with others who are in my same boat. I have not found anyone to have any motivation other than to help each other. I treasure your exploration of what Glenn knows and doesn't know, and I know you received a variety of replies...because these people truly care. I believe that every one of us was trying to reinforce your strength and try to help you through a rough time...just like they've done for me. Please, I would ask you, don't leave us, instead forward your reasoning to us so that we also can understand how your own thoughts are founded. If, though, you honestly believe this is not the place for you, then I can respect that decision and wish you the very best in the future. I believe Marty said it best, we need to understand that you need to do what's best for you. My mind, though, says that both you and I would be better off (as would a lot of others in this forum) with you here, not away from us. Earl C Sincere hugs and hope for the future, no matter what you decide to do. And, if anything I might have said in any post offended you in any way, I am sincerely sorry because the last thing on my mind is to make these wounds any deeper for anyone.

Hi, Di: The great thing about our country and our society is that everyone is free to believe or not, in whatever fashion they may choose. Some countries don't allow such things. I personally would never try to force my own belief system on anyone else, and I know that in addition to those who simply don't believe in an afterlife, there are countless religions in which beliefs are so much different. So, when you look at that fact, it may be hard to believe any of it because there is so much ambiguity. I truly understand this, but I have faith that doesn't end. I would like to share, though, something that happened as I (and my family, we had at least 6 or 7 people here all the time Hospice was here, sometimes more than that) was losing my best friend and chosen partner. We live in an area where there are houses a ways behind us, but we're separated by a tree line, and there is a little creek running between the trees (not scenic, kind of messy), and there have been times when my magnificent Wife and I would see three or four deer coming out at dusk and traveling down the tree line. Well, to make a long story a little shorter, when Hospice had brought in a bed for our living room and the automatic dispensation of morphine had begun ( the worst time of my entire life because she never was able to speak to me again....and I've come to hate the word NEVER), the nurses said for a few days that my wonderful person's life was about to end, and we thought it could be any time, but she seemed to be holding off for something. Well, four days before we ended up losing her, there was one small deer directly behind our house. Every time we looked, the deer was there. One evening our Daughter said "is that the deer laying down out there?", and I looked and sure enough I could just see the top of her head above the weeds she was in. Our Daughter said, "maybe she's hurt", so I said I'll go see. i went out the back and got about 50 feet or so away from the deer, and she got up and just stood there. Didn't run, just looked at me. I came back in. The deer stayed there for four days, and then on Saturday afternoon at 2:29 PM my best friend took her last breath with me holding her hand and telling her I love her. One of our Sons went out to take a picture of the deer while we were waiting for the love of my life to be taken to the funeral home. The deer wasn't there, and in the two and a half months since, there has never been another deer. To wrap up this story, and I won't even relate what I think this was a sign of, one of my Wife's favorite pasttimes in life was for us to get in the car at dusk and drive through the park, where we've seen as many as 82 deer in one evening. My 78th birthday is coming up on the 30th, and this Sunday the kids are getting together and building a sort of memorial area in our back yard around a flagpole I had installed when we moved here. Anyway, on Saturday, one of the Daughter-In-Laws called me about 2:29 and asked me to come outside to see something. I went out and saw nothing, but then I looked up the street and there was she, one of the Sons, and a Grandson, wheeling a hardware cart from the hardware store about four blocks away, and it had a deer on it that they say weighs 400 pounds, and we're putting it down in the memorial area on Sunday so I'll be able to look out at it whenever I want. It looks so real-like that the neighbors were walking that evening and stopped to look because they thought it was a real deer. Story ended, sorry it took so long, but I just had to share it as my beliefs take a different direction than lots of folks, and I can only relate to my own experiences. My Wife left, believing we will be, as we always said, Together Forever. Lots of love to all, regardless of individual beliefs, we're in this together.....Earl C

I would hope that most people see this as just plain ignorance about such a traumatic experience as we're all enduring. I really don't think someone who has been your friend would knowingly hurt you like this must have. Please excuse this kind of insensitivity. Most people in this world don't understand what we're going through. I probably didn't know either, even after losing a 48-year old wonderful Son in 2009, two months before losing my closest Brother. Losing one's child, no matter how many you have, is a parent's worst nightmare, but at that time I still had my magnificent Wanda, and we were able to share the grief, which didn't deaden the blow, but gave us someone to cling to. Now, when we lose the most important person in the world, the person we share every day, every experience with, we are left truly alone. Our kids come at least every other day, I had two on Saturday, seven yesterday. One Son and Daughter-In-Law usually come one day through the week, from an hour and a half away, so they have three hours driving time plus whatever time they spend with me. That's just great, and I truly appreciate it. But, I still want my mate here with me, and that won't change. Love to all...Earl C

Good work, Mary, and to all of you, thanks for the inspiring words we can all learn from while we're on this part of a difficult journey. This is a thread we can all be thankful for. Considering what we're going through, especially after only less than three months in for me. I'm not sure I can relate to going backward other than the memories of my magnificent partner, Wanda, with whom I shared about 40 years. I'll be 78 at the end of this month, and am working hard to get everything in order so that our kids won't have a great burden when I rejoin the love of my life. Cheryl posted a quote earlier that fascinated me. I not only copied it, I researched it, and it turns out it was part of a longer oration by Henry Scott Holland, founder of the Christian Social Union in 1889...01/27/1847-03/17/1918. The entire text reads: "Death is nothing at all. It does not count. I have only slipped away into the next room. Nothing has happened. Everything remains exactly as it was. I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged. Whatever we were to each other, that we are still. Call me by the old familiar name. Speak of me in the easy way which you always used. Put no difference into your tone. Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me. Let my name be ever the household word that it always was. Let it be spoken with an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it meant. It is the same as it ever was. There is absolute and unbroken continuity. what is this death but a neglible accident? Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight? I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner. All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before. How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again". Sorry this post is so long, but in its entirety it gives me plenty to think about. I miss my wonderful Wife so much no one truly understands (with the exception, perhaps, of you friends at this site), but I have lived long enough to know that no matter how lonely I am for her, I will go on and try to make the best of what time I have left in this part of my journey. To me at least, the message above gives me inspiration to go forward by talking to my angel every day (which I already do) without feeling like I'm going crazy because I'm acting like she's still with me. You know what, SHE IS !!! Love and prayers to all of you, and please continue your own journey knowing that your own partner is not lost completely, but still with you. Earl C

You are in our prayers, and your post (not ranting, but venting, which is helpful) leaves me with sadness, but no words that I believe can help you. Having lost my own Dad clear back in 1970, my Mom in 2007, I can relate to not having parents around now, and we all hate that. All that I believe any of us can say to you is "continue to try to live as best you can, never let love leave your life". Your loss will always be with you, but you do have those memories you spoke of. Every day to some of us is a new chance to love and to remember, sometimes so sad, but if we work on ourselves, we can get through our losses. Earl C

Cheryl: A beautiful quote, and I'm sure you won't mind if I copy you and print it out and frame this one myself, because it tells a story of where we are and what's ahead. Thanks to Mary for starting this thread, and to Tammy and Nats for great contributions. This, to me, is what it's all about because we all get something from it. Thanks again, all...Earl C

Hi Di, your post really got to me, but Dwayne, Marietta, Mary have all touched on such good points that I hope they've made you at least feel better about yourself and the fact that Glenn is truly still with you even though you can't see him. Some of us, like Dwayne for instance, has already seen their best friend, their partner in life, while I personally haven't had that privilege YET. I do believe that somehow you need to have it reinforced for you that Glenn really does know what is going on in this world, but isn't concerned with any of that except where it concerns you, and he's truly watching over you as best he can from his perch above. He, I know because faith tells me so, will help guide you, but things like the lawn you worry about are probably laughing matters to him because he doesn't want you to worry about such things, but to help yourself live through the rest of your time on earth in relative peace and comfort, even though he knows you long to have him back with you. We all wish we could turn back the clock and not have to go through this...but, if any married couple lives together long enough, especially those truly happy couples, eventually one of them is going to have to learn how to live without the other. That just seems to be a reality of life, and barring an accident or something where both go together, it's just inevitable. I have to say that (I'm only on 2+ months right now, so every one of you knows more than I do about this process, and I hate it), in my area they have Divorce Court on Monday thru Friday at 2 PM, and that's when I plan a break from whatever I'm doing, so I can watch and see how dumb people really are. They have never grasped what true happiness is, and they can think of the most selfish, most arrogant ways of dealing with their spouse, it actually makes me wonder how people got that way. We are the lucky ones because our grieving is caused from having a marriage that was, I like to think, made in Heaven. Yes, we'd all like to have another day, another year, ten more years, the rest of our life with our CHOSEN partner and best friend. But, it's been determined by a much higher power that we are destined to live a few years, whatever that may be, without that love of our life....and then ETERNITY with them, trillions of years together. My wonderful Wife, Wanda, has left me to fight the problems on earth, not her choice, but when we meet again we'll be what we always talked about, especially toward the end: Together Forever. Please believe, Di, that Glenn does know how you're doing and he will help from his new place as much as he can, mainly I believe by giving you the strength to continue with this life, hard as it is for us to do it without that special person. Lots of love to you and to Glenn, to all those on this site who are more or less in our same shoes, some may have tougher lives than others, and I believe I personally (and I hope others feel the same) have to THANK GOD for the years we shared, and for the knowledge that we will once again be Together Forever in Eternity. Earl C

Melina, like Mary and Dwayne, I'm so sorry you have to go through more ordeal than you've already had. Life seems so unfair at times, and we'll all pray that your situation improves soon. Last thing any of us need is to have more issues causing grief to us and our families. I've always heard the Lord doesn't place any more burden on each of us than He knows we can handle. While I believe that, I also feel like for some of us, especially you right now, He gives us a lot more credit for strength than we truly have. We can only hope and pray that your Son and Daughter-In-Law get some good news soon. I'm not sure why she was denied, but maybe they'll change that status. I know it seems incredible that it takes so much of our resources when we do need legal help, and again that shouldn't be. We'll all pray for strength for you and your family, and that something changes so that your Son is able to continue his quest for his Masters. Keep sharing with your friends, and I do believe it will get better for you soon. Hang in there, Melina. Earl C

Boy, when people say life is unfair, they must have your situation in mind. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, and yes, these are times when the spouse is a life saver. I went to the doctor today, and it felt terrible going in without my best friend by my side. She was there for me every day, no matter what, just like all of you were so very fortunate to have your spouse. We're all going at this one day at a time, and being just two and a half months into it, I hate it. But, like you, Kay, there's nothing any of us can do but keep battling each day, keep stepping out one step at a time, breathing one breath at a time. Please don't get down about all of this, I've found that I'm at my worst when I let it get to me. Somehow we all have to rise above all these problems, so easy to say and so doggoned hard to do. Love to all going through this. Earl C

Erich Fromm, of thinkexist.com "to spare oneself from grief at all cost can be achieved only at the price of total detachment, which excludes the ability to experience happiness". I feel like this goes along with our Pastor telling me that the grief and loneliness I'm enduring (goes for all of us in this boat) is only because of all the good times we shared, of all the years of love...so, would I be willing to not have this terrible grief if it meant not having those years with my chosen best friend and life's partner? NO WAY, I'll go through this. Earl C

Hi Dwayne: I'm so glad that you believe that you and Pauline will be, not at the time of your choosing, but someday, reunited. And, I know that she is with you even now, even though you can't hear her. I feel like I've had some messages to do certain things while I slept, and I'm waiting for the day she comes to me in a dream or anything and gives me some sign that she is watching over me. Since I've lost Wanda, my health, and it was bad, has gotten better. I absolutely know in my heart that she had something to do with that. She was my caregiver until she got sick, and I believe she is still caring for me. I've been tested a little bit here lately, I've had 4 lights burn out in our kitchen area, one in our lamp that we used every evening, this very morning I replaced a bulb over our garage door, I've had to replace a bulb out in the yard that shines up on the flagpole, and I put new batteries in the smoke alarms. I'm coping, and I'm thinking that my wonderful person is right with me through all the little bothers. She helped me last night prepare some food for the kids that were coming last night and another set due this afternoon. I'm blessed with family, and I'm so blessed with memories. I know you have your own set of memories, Dwayne, and I know you're proud of those pictures. Dwayne, just keep going along day by day. That's all I know to do, and I know God and my precious Wanda....along with the great people on this site, will keep me going in the right direction. Prayers to all!! Earl C

Dear Beth: As you can see, these people all know what they are talking about, and each one of us has our own tragic story to tell. The loss of my beautiful Wife, Wanda, came on June 4th, a little over two weeks after your loss. I still can't imagine how any of us survives this. Some of the people are young enough (that's a sad part too) that they may have 20-30 years to live yet, and will have to figure out what the new life is all about. In my case, my dear Wife was going to be 77 in November, and I'm turning 78 on the 30th of this month, and as a man (who by all rights should have gone first, but I believe God was sparing my best friend this pain), I probably don't have all that long to go. You just keep living day to day and trying to do your best that very day, not worrying about the rest of your life. Long-range plans, to me at least, seem impossible at this point, just one day is all I can handle. Every one of our friends here has made a great point, you just keep getting better and never worry that you are crying too much or that breaking up in front of anyone is terrible. Just be you the best that you can. People, like at Church and the neighbors, ask me "how are you doing?" and the only answer I have is "I feel like I'm just as good as I could be under the circumstances". We don't know what tomorrow will bring, and if it brings problems we just have to take care of them one at a time. In the last 5 days, I've had to change out all the smoke alarm batteries because a couple of them started beeping; 4 light bulbs in the kitchen went out and I didn't even notice it until one of the kids came in and asked me about it; the light on my flagpole went out and I had to take it apart and replace the bulb; and, today I picked up my glasses and the earpiece on one side just fell off. Each time these things are happening I figure I'm being tested right now, how much can I take and how will I handle it. Well, one of our kids just left a few minutes ago and I'll be darned if one of the porch lights isn't out too. I think, and this may not work for everyone, I might go nuts except that I talk to Wanda every day and at bedtime every night. If I'm in the kitchen trying to get me lunch or something, I always see her handiwork, how she fixed the cabinet, etc. I'm still sleeping on the couch in the living room every night, I just can't make it to the bed. Every one of us is in a place we ddn't want to be, and while we're all in this together, I still think each one of us has to figure out what works for us. Some people want friends around, I prefer the phone, and the one thing I'm forcing myself to do is to go to Church every Sunday, hoping that is one place that will help me break out of my funk quicker than other places. I feel so bad when I read some of the stories, but there's nothing any one of us can do except keep trying to help the rest with some words as best we can, and try to make ourselves better each day. I think every one of these people is right on track to being better, but no one is without challenges. To all of us, I say 'keep fighting to get better each day', and while we have so many good memories, we can't bring our most beloved best friend back, so we have to get strong enough to represent both. My Wife and I over the past years said it takes both of us to make one good person, and now I feel like I'm only half a person. Prayers to all of us!! Earl C

Becky, like NATS and Dwayne said, you're not alone. I like the thought 'slow down'. When I was sick last Winter, I was doing things too quickly, I even fell flat on my face twice, in two different grocery parking lots because I was so weak, but in truth I was still moving too fast. Now, my dear Wife is gone on ahead of me, and I'm heeding everything she told me. I think back to how she cared for me, and I try my best to slow myself down and make myself a person again. Just 2+ months into this journey, and I truly go into a room at times and wonder what I came in there for. Then, instead of getting excited I just stop and concentrate on what I'm doing. I let my haste get away from me on Sunday when I was helping on an Ice Cream Social at the Church and I moved too fast, caught my arm on a cabinet and ripped away some of the (way too thin) skin. Now, I'm paying the price because I moved too fast. I will get it at some point. I honestly think you're being too hard on yourself. Take it easier and relax and don't get down on yourself. Pray for help, I do. Earl C

Hi Tammy: I'm one of those new names, and no, I didn't want to be here. I'd much rather go back to having my best friend by my side and never having to hear of this site. But.........as you say, life and death continue. Death just happens to be a bad part of life. Right now, after just a little over two months into this, I'm able to understand only that I need to continue to breathe in and then breathe out, or as you say, put one foot in front of the other. I'm one of those extremely fortunate people who have a marvelous support system, large family extended to include my Wife Wanda's family; friends and neighbors; a very active and responsive Church family, etc. But, none of them other than a former neighbor who lost her Husband about 10 years ago to a heart attack can understand how painful this is. I'm fortunate that I don't have anyone who has said 'you'll get over it' because I don't think my reply would be what I really want to say. Tammy, I'm so sorry that so soon after you lost your (I'm sure) wonderful Husband, you know have to face this huge problem with your Mom, and then on top of that, your Dad having so much too. Sometimes it feels like life is ganging up on us, and it sure seems like you are in that position right now. Keep fighting, keep on with one foot going in front of the other, and one day you'll find yourself in eternity with the love of your life. I don't know about you, but I'm looking forward to it. God Bless You!! Earl C

Dwayne, I truly believe you are correct, and that each of us said words that were heard loud and clear. Instead of the mouth moving as you mention Pauline did, when I was talking to Wanda and telling her I loved her I could see her eye twitching like she was trying to open and see me. You are so, so right about being reunited, Dwayne, and in my heart I know we can absolutely count on that. Our pain and grief at this point will seem so insignificant when we are spending ETERNITY with our chosen partner. Getting healthy is something I too have to work on. My fantastic Wife was my caregiver during last Winter until she got sick and I became her caregiver. We were truly one person, and at times we even joked among ourselves that it took both of us at our age to make one good person. I do have something that I asked my Pastor to share at Wanda's Memorial Service. It was titled 'A Word Of Consolation', and I found it somewhat comforting, and it went like this: "If a tiny baby could think, it would be afraid of birth. To leave the only world it has known would seem a kind of death. But immediately after birth the child would find itself in loving arms, showered with affection and cared for at every moment. Surely the baby would say 'I was foolish to doubt God's plan for me. This is a beautiful life'. For the Christian, passing through death is really a birth into a new and better world. Those who are left behind should not grieve as if there were no hope. Life is changed, not taken away. Our dear ones live on, in a world beautiful beyond anything we can imagine. With Jesus they await the day when they will welcome us with joy. 'Do not grieve too much', they say to us. 'We are living and are still with you'. For those who have been faithful, O Lord, life is not ended, but merely changed; and when this earthly abode dissolves, an eternal dwelling place awaits them in Heaven'. I believe all that, and I know we will be reunited. Have A Better Day!!! Earl C

NATS, Yes, I have found this group to be a very compassionate and responsive assembly of people who have a lot of pain, and rightfully so. None of us ever expected to find ourselves here...but the truth is that in any happy couple, at one time or another (barring an accident that might claim both at once), one of the pair will find themselves missing the other. Death is a part of life, and that's too bad because it sure makes it difficult to live when the best thing in your life has reached a new high with our Lord. I sure hope that you and all our friends here will be able to live in some kind of peace as time moves on. I'll never believe that we should 'get over it', but I do believe we have to find a way to live our lives in a way that allows us to grow and work on ourselves to the point that one day we will rejoin our partner for all of eternity. God, I believe, is already blessing me because of all the good memories, and I hope He will bless you too!! Earl C

Dwayne, thanks for your response and your kind words. I believe that time will help the pain to not be quite as intense, but I don't believe it will be healed until we're rejoined. At that time it will all be worth the grief endured. I understand about not wanting to see Pauline suffer anymore, and ultimately I did have to say to the Hospice people that she needed the pain relief that automatic dispensation of morphine provided, but it was at the time that was installed that I lost two-way communication with LaWanda and broke my heart. To this day I believe that she still was able to hear all the words spoken to her, by me and the entire family, but I needed her to tell me if there was anything she wanted me to do, I just needed more time. We didn't have those years of suffering you had, as a matter of fact less than a month from diagnosis to loss just wasn't enough to get everything said that I needed to say to her, since I was so much involved in making sure she had the right pills to help, that she was able to go to the bathroom, tried to get her to eat something.....all this because I still believed we were going to have a miracle and she was going to get better. That wasn't to be, and I should have given up some of the trying to get her better and used that time to make her soul more ready for the end of this part of life. Since my wonderful mate has left I've had some signs that she's helping me, but I haven't had the experience others talk about where they see their mate when they wake up or they hear the voice. I know she's with me, but that's just my heart and mind, not anything physical to show....I will get better, I will make it through a Chapel worship session without crying, but that's down the road and I can't make it any faster than it will be. God Bless you, Dwayne, and I hope and pray that Pauline and you will be reunited in God's kingdom at some point. But, as with me, wait a while because there's a reason we're still here. We have work to do!! Earl C

Learning is a part of this experience we're all sharing. What this site has taught me is that no matter how tough I thought I was, and no matter how well I can take care of myself, and my Wife when she needed me, no one is ever ready for or can predict how hard this is going to be. Every day is a new life almost. We, my marvelous Wife and I, learned during the time we were grieving over losing a 48-year old Son that what it takes is exactly what I'm practicing right now....breathe in and breathe out, that's truly all we have each day. Don't make any long-range plans and don't figure that having enough people around you is going to make the pain lessen, not even a bit. Everywhere I look, I see the signs of my wonderful best friend. We formed a partnership, and it is truly up to me, not anyone else, to keep that partnership alive and well. If I don't take care of myself (especially someone with an active disease such as Crohn's), then my grief will be expanded even more. I have to be in good health and work on being in better spirit in order to make the coping possible. I will say that the truth is that I never expected that I might need to join forces with a group such as this because i'm 'my own person' and I can make things happen by myself, and on top of that I have a great support system. I've learned all that is not nearly enough, we need each other. I've figured out that if I personally can make even one person have a better day by my words to them, then I'll have better days from my experience with people in the same situation I'm in. My fantastic life's partner would never have anticipated that I would be a joiner, she would have guessed I'd try to tough it out, but I'd bet she underestimated how much I would miss her, how much I'd give just to have her sitting in her chair again and me bringing her something to eat or helping her in any way. I'd give the next ten years of my life just for one more day with her. But, the biggest factor in going through all of this is that if we each live our lives as we are meant to, if we each give our very best to each day, we will in the future be rejoining our mate for all of eternity, and that's worth working hard for!! Thanks to each of you and love and prayers for your health, physical and mental. Earl C

Oh boy, as a new member, having just lost the most magnificent human being in the world (I know each of us who care enough about our missing Spouse to be here will feel exactly the same about their own best friend and partner) on June 4th of this year, I'm astounded by the truly great suggestions for living as we all go forward on our own journey. I see my own situation in all that you each say. As a former Marine, having gone through all the boot camp/combat training/special training, etc, then spending more than a year in Korea at a young 20ish, I had at one time thought I could handle just about anything that came my way. Well, this is a different experience, one that I wouldn't wish on anyone. As you all say, the people who try desperately to help because they truly care so much, actually can't (until they go through it, and we hope they won't for a long, long time) understand what this is. You've all given me some pointers that I need, being rather new at this. I go to the cemetery as much as I can, I talk to my Wife, Wanda, several times a day and night, and I feel like I'll explode at times. As I've said in a couple of posts, I have as strong a support system (outisde this group) as a person could have, with family, friends, my Wife's Sisters and her friends from 25 year employment, etc, Church people who stop by and call, neighbors, the whole works. Yet, I needed more, someone who actually does know what this emptiness feels like. So, thanks to all of you, I believe with all the help listed above, then the advice and caring from people who know who are in the same situation, I will make it. And, I do believe that I will at some point in the future, not my call as to time, rejoin my beloved Wife who I miss so much more than I ever thought possible. THANKS TO ALL!!! Earl C

Happy Anniversary to you and to Pauline, Dwayne. As a new member of this group, I found your message compelling, and it expresses my feelings of about 40 years with my Wanda. I hope your memories are, and it sure sounds like it, as good as mine, and that you'll never quit celebrating those years. I do believe that without my faith that we will be rejoined for eternity I'd just have to give up the struggle, but since I know in my heart that we have that to look forward to, I will, like you are doing, continue to battle the emptiness. I hope you find new strength every day and that as you get closer to reunion time you'll embrace each opportunity to make yourself better with GOD's hand leading you. Earl C