Wifflesnook

It's six months today since Pete died which means his Grand daughter is exactly six months and one day. Their anniversaries will always be linked and somehow We have to cope with that. Our fridge has just broken and I've ordered another which should come tomorrow. The old one has to be taken away but before it is I have to remove fridge magnets (all meaningful) and take Pete's motor bike helmet and gloves plus a cap off the top where they have been since last November. I left them there as I've left so many of Pete's things as I want to live in a house that looks as though he is still here. Other things have had to change. Like Anne I've had to buy some new furniture as when he was in the lvimg room in the huge hospital bed I had to get rid of an old sofa. But I've done the minimum. I've been helped in this by this forum giving me permission as it were to do what I can do and leave anything else until I'm strong enough. All these things are stabs of pain aren't they? No one but us knows the pain which we have to live with daily. Most of it is borne by us alone. But at least we can talk about it here and although nothing really seems to help I'm sure that sharing does just a tiny bit. So I know, and I feel total empathy for you because I'm just the same. Peace.

Dearest Mary Yes grief is so tiring and I suppose its good to be reassured that not doing much is ok. By some standards I'm quite active, but compared to the old Jan, who shared her life with Pete I'm not. It's six months almost exactly since Pete died and I can't beleive I have survived it. And on 7th November it's exactly a year since he had the stroke. My stomach problem seems to have come back and I'm wondering if its to do with these anniversaries. I daresay it may be. Well, I just have to keep on keeping on like all of us. What an inspiration Harry is, with his work for NET. I so admire him for what he is doing to help to avoid what his Jane went through. I will go and see our neighbour whose partner has died. I passed the house and felt myself thinking "oh better not bother her" and then thought No I bet that is what people thought about seeing me in the early weeks and its best to pop in even though briefly. There are ways I can help her as her partner was the driver and we have no bus service. The nearest bus is in the next village which is two miles away. So she will be stuck unless neighbours help out. She isn't an Internet person either. She will need neighbourly help fr sure. I don't know her at all well but I want to offer some practical help and will do so. I'm not even sure how long she has been with her partner. She is his cousin apparently so must have known him all her life. Yes our village is more of a hamlet than a village. No shop, no church any more, and just a pub. But it's a popular place for visitors being a nature reserve and on the coast. We love it and most people live here by choice. I hope I can stay for a few years yet. Everything here reminds me of Pete (in a good way) though I move about the house thinking "how do I bear this?".

I live in a tiny village of 26 houses, in what my Pete used to call the Back of Beyond or BOB for short. This year we have has many sadnesses. My Pete was struck down with the ultimately fatal stroke a year next week, a neighbour's daughter is struggling with breast cancer, another neighbour has just been diagnosed with the same thing and has just had a mastectomy, and now a neighbour just down the road, who was diagnosed with cancer has just died after the operation. I understand that the cancer was far advanced when he went for treatment. We have a sort of grand dame in our village. She used to run the local pub, and is now 85. We all love her and congregate at her house for very generous gin and tonics and whiskies. She keeps saying "Oh, twhat is it about Kilnsea? why are there so many cases of cancer? Is it Salt End? ". (That is a big plant about 30 miles away) I said, somewhat brutally No Pat, it's the fact that so many of us are OLD! And it's true as most of us are, because this is is no longer a village of farmers and workers. I suppose we have to confront the truth, that life is short. Most of us who live here chose to come because its such a lovely place. Pete and I certainly did and whilst we lved here we has a truly happy time. I expected it to last longer, but now I have to be content with what we had. Of course I'm not, but I have to learn to be. I've a long way to go. I know one thing. When I go down to visit the partner of the neighbour who died I shall know how to reach out to her. When I was younger I used to look at our aging parents and think How can they bear it? Now I know that if we age enough to feel the pain we have no choice. But we are in this together, and we have to reach out to each other. Lookimg back Pete and I lived in a little bubble of safety. We didn't talk about how we would cope without each other. I sometimes wish we had, but I'm nt sure it would have helped with what I'm coping with now. We silently knew I suppose. Though I think I thought we would be the exception! We wouldn't die! How unbelievable is that! So. I'm not sure what the message of this is. I just felt I had to tell you, because its in my mind and heart. We are all coping somehow. Jan

Anne I agree with EVERY word of this. I wish we weren't separated by so many miles of ocean and land but in a way we are not. We speak to each others hearts. I've looked at other forums but none can match this one for being populated by people who connect so well. Thanks. Oh well, another day. It's seven am here. I'll be back later but that's. I shall keep that in my ever expanding grief folder. Jan

This is such a private subject but very important. Yes, it's the cuddles and closeness that I miss but I've also struggled with the regret that I didn't reach out more in recent years, as we got older and intimacy took more 'effort' if that is the right word. I can't do anything about it now but it's one of those things that I feel regret about. If only we were as wise when we had our loved ones as we have become now! I tell myself that Pete wouldn't think I let him down in that respect, as it was a mutual omission if you know what I mean, and we were very cuddly together. Now of course because we all miss this so much it seems it was never enough. And we would behave differently I dAresay. I know I would for sure.

Thanks. I hope you get to the meal Mary. It's 11 pm here but as I sleep poorly i will be following the news of the hurricane. Can't help thinking it has something to do with our over exploitation of our planet. I wish politicians were capable of thinking and acting for future generations and not the next election (and I mean those of all parties and nations). Not meant as a political point believe me.

And I'm watching the news of Hurricane Sandy with great concern. Do hope it isn't as bad as forecast.

Soo pleased for you and Bentley. As I write Kelbi is grumbling and needing to be let outside. I don't think she would pass but nevertheless she is a lovely dog.

Dear all I've written before about how I feel in denial of the horror of losing my Pete. I still feel that way and it worries me because I know that his dying is the worst thing that has ever or could ever happen to me. He was utterly everything to me. My soul mate, and i dont really want to carry on living wthoit him. Anyway I just read this book and there is a section in it that I felt spoke to my situation. I thought I'd share it with you. PS. Paradoxically I have just spent half an hour sobbing as hard as I have ever done, having looked at the full moon, and read poems for Pete as we did every month. It released the tears in a way I could hardly bear, but maybe that was good, though it doesn't feel it right now. Anyway here is the extract:- Paul Bennett Loving Grief (extract) On denial I protected myself from grief by bracing myself for it, and right after Bonnie died, I protected myself with a numbness that mercifully prevented me from feeling how complete and permanent the loss was. A few months later I encountered another wave of sadness, when I allowed myself to know what "never" really means. Everyone who is grieving experiences good days and bad days, and I believe the bad days come when we instinctively allow ourselves to feel more, when we open another door, find another reminder, when we remember some other delight from our former life that we will never have again. Something within me protects me from having to feel more than I could stand. And something in us knows that we're stronger than we believe. Though numbness shut me down at first, gradually I allowed myself to feel more of the sorrowful or painful love that I wanted to feel. Something in us wants to feel love, no matter how painful, no matter how sad, and if we keep our numbness in place, we pay a price that is far, far worse than feeling the sadness of our love. I've learned that I, like most human beings, have a tremendous ability to partition myself. It's as if we tuck painful memories and emotions away somewhere in our being; then we declare that part of ourselves off limits. I felt that I had never felt any emotions as intensely as I felt that grief and love, and I had never given myself permission to speak so openly about my feelings as I did to my family and friends in the months after Bonnie died. Still, freedom to speak about our emotions is not the same as the ability to feel them. Thousands of words poured out of me, touching other people with their passion. But I was good at speaking about grief, not good at feeling it, releasing it. There was a tremendous emotion tucked away where it could not touch me, and I could not touch it. Somewhere below the tears that choked in my throat, below the pang of sadness in my chest, there was a howl of grief and fear that I could not release; I did not know how. In fact, I was afraid to release it. That howl of grief springs from the knowledge that death is forever, that grief is a fixture in human life. Perhaps it is so difficult to release because this howl comes from recognising our utter helplessness. Though I longed to weep, only rarely did my grief emerge fully unleashed, as a howl. Or perhaps I found those howls of grief so hard to release because I was raised by two models of self control, two parents who believed that the measure of a man is not what he feels but what he does, and that unleashed emotions can cause devastation.

Anne, Mary, Kay and all Eben's book is fascinating. Like Anne I am by nature a sceptic and I found his description of the after lfe to be weird, since it was rather 'conventionally an old fashioned heaven', which seems so unlikely to me. BUT our brains would struggle to describe anything except in terms of what we know already. I want to beleive in a after life and I need to. I didn't before Pete died. Now well I don't know, but like you Anne I want to follow up some of his recommended reading (I already am doing and have or some time). One person you can listen to on YouTube of Peter Fenton.

Oh what a sad thing Mary. I can't even get near imagining what it's like to get news like that when you are carrying a baby. Yes, the world is a hard hard place sometimes. We have to reach out to each other whilst we can.

Oh Arlene he must be near you. I wish this would happen to me. Yesterday I had a visitor. A friend who has a very significant rational background. We got talking about many things and after a time i confided in him how I had become very spiritual and a searcher for proof of another life. At first I sensed he thought I was just a wishful thinker (would have been my reaction before I lost Pete). But then he to.d me a story of his father, who sensed a figure standing behind him, a woman, who told him "don't worry, you have until 1989". And I think that is when he died (not sure of that). Anyway I said to Tony,this friend "did he rationalise it away afterwards?". "Oh no, even though he had never believed in anything like that it made a big impression on him" I have found since Pete died that just about everyone has had some experience they can't explain, or knows someone really well who has. They don't talk about it unless meeting someone like me. These things are fleeting and don't seem to happen often but they are to be cherished. Clearly you are in a state of heightened awareness being o very very sad so maybe it's easier to get near to you? We put then clocks back last night so I was awake even earlier than usual!

This is Pete's poem Sartori This lovely morning I went walking In a meadow where the air was sweet It made my feet go dancing over Growing grass and clumps of clover Bird’s-foot trefoil, bedstraw, thistle Nectar-sweet for butterflies. Bright buzzing bees were everywhere While in the air the gentle yet Insistent hum of hoverflies Seemed like a psalm to praise the sun, And all around, above, beyond Birds called and sang their songs Of summer and of love until Quite suddenly all time stood still And like a dream I could not tell Just where I stopped, and where all else Began, and in that boundless state I smiled to find such joy and gladness For I was standing in the heart Of my true home, my family And I loved it and it was me.

I finished my copy yesterday. It has made a huge impression on me. As you know, Mary, my previous background made me a skeptic about these things, but losing my Pete has put me in a very different place indeed. If I am going against all my feelings before Pete died well so be it. In my heart I beleive that there is far far more in this universe or universes than we have understood, and physicists agree with that of course. Yes, there will be many who attack the Alexander book. There is no doubt that he is totally sincere. He didn't put it in his book but I read an interview with him (it will try to find it) where he was asked about his belief system now. In other words is the Christian story right and other religions wrong? And he said they are all like spokes on a wheel leading to the same place. Different paths arising from different cultures. I so can relate to this. I lean towards the Buddhist view if anything and it can fit just fine into Eben's experience of the spiritual world. I long for the past and Pete's physical presence but if I can't have that I have to search for meaning and hope. This book does truly help in the search.it also fits into the wider picture of Near Death Experiences and After Death visitations. I don't know why the curtain between us and the other dimensions is so hard to pierce but I'm beginning to believe that they are there even if we can't often get through. I followed up on the Monroe Institute and Hemi-sync and down ,loaded some apps on my ipad yesterday. Eben has found meditation to be a way for him to reconnect with the world he visited and I intend to try to do that. Even if I don't manage it I know that meditation is good for me. I once had an out of body experience whilst relaxing after yoga. It's many years ago and it frightened me a bit, but I have never forgotten it. I also had an experience of being in another world whilst cycling around a corner when I found myself very briefly in a world of wonderful love and life. And here is a poem my Pete wrote in 2003 which I like to think relates to this topic. I will post it in a minute when I have copied it.

Dear Arlene and all I hope you are feeling just a tiny bit better now. I am struggling like you and it's almost six months since my Pete died and almost a year since the stroke struck him down and our lives changed utterly. What I am finding hardest is believing he was ever here despite being surrounded by our home with all our possessions that we chose and shared. I feel lost like you obviously do. I don't even want to feel better in some ways. We have to turn to each other and Mary and Kay especially just KNOW how we are feeling. I am so much with you and do hope you can see some improvement soon. I can't help but only can say you aren't alone. Jan

Anne (Enna) You are not rambling. You are making sense. I understand exactly what you are saying as I am in the same place. I won't respond more than that as its getting late here but I hear you clearly. Jan

Yes Mary, I think it must make us more compassionate for sure. I actually feel as though I don't think about others much, but am selfishly thinking g about me all the time, but I truly do feel others' pain even though I don't do anything about it right now.i know that you get the opportunity to give help (and of course you do it on the forum to us all the time). Just had to clear a little box of letters and stuff that Pete had gathered together. Appointments, info sheets etc. the last time it was touched was by him. Such sharp pain from such a trivial task. They go on and on and on don't they?

Yes I suppose I should at least try it Mary. Not sure but maybe I will. Not in the car, for sure though.

It's almost as though we need to live in a different world than those who haven't lost a loved one. Not just a virtual community of grievers, but a real one. Because the world goes on around us and everyone just carries on as though our catastrophe (not the right word) hasn't happened. I know we need to rejoin the world (or at least I think I do) but truly at this stage of my lfe I don't want to. I feel like a different person than I was before Pete became ill. Not better, not worse, but totally different.

I love that Mary. Thanks. Jan

I met a friend today and she said that last time she saw me she was really worried about me but this time she was not as I seemed so much better. But I kind of hated this because I'm not any better. What I am doing is going through the motions in terms of activities. I walk the dog, talk rationally, shop etc. I am an empty shell really but to the outside view I must seem ok. I bet many of you know what I mean. But I suppose so long as I can just appear to be functioning ok it's better I should. Yes. What else can we do?

I listen to the radio in the car all the time, but its BBC Radion Four which is a speech programme so music rarely takes me by surprise. As you know Mary Pete and I loved Mahler and in some ways I long to listen to music. I know that Anne (Enna) gets some help from listening to music. I set aside some time every day when at home to read poetry aloud to connect to Pete and although it brings tears I find it sort of helpful. I wonder of I should just try some music? Did it help you Mary, or was it too painful. I am beginning no understand that tears are good.

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to do things. We have a lovely field a few miles away. It is our pride and joy. I have been there once and can't bring myself to go again. I can't cook a roast even if I had company to do it for. I can't go to the local pub even though people ask me. I can't do loads and loads of things. My life feels bleak and pointless and I'm only able to live because I couldn't do anything else. I don't know how long it will be before we feel like taking art in life but to be honest I don't even want to. I think we just have to endure this, eat, keep ourselves clean, try to distract ourselves with reading or watching tv and talk to other people who have gone through ths as they are the only ones who understand.

Oh Arlene I am so very sorry. It's been about the same length of time for me and it hasn't got better at all. I am still in the numb and disbelieving stage and maybe this is why I'm not crying all the time. The times when I cry are when I talk to someone about Pete or when I read a poem alongside his ashes which I do daily. But to be honest I still don't actually beleive he is dead and its when I look at his vibrant face in photos I have to confront it and then I can't even bear the thought. I wonder of you should visit the doctor to get some help with anti depressant just for a short time? Ae you getting any counselling? I can't remember if you said you were. I so feel for you. We are all here for you and know how it is. Jan

Dear Mary What a gorgeous dog you have. I so know what you mean about worry about them getting sick. Kelbi ad cystitis when I too was ill and I managed to get her to the vent who put her on antibiotics and anti inflammatories - the symptoms actually ceased after one day so it ant have been the meds. Two days ago she started weeing a lot again the day after I brought her back from kennels so I thought this time I'd wait and now she seem ok I think. And I had that behaviour problem with her, but now she is really good. But she is so important to me. She is company and she makes me go out, which for sure I wouldn't do. I'm also noticing how infrequent is the chance for me to talk about my Pete when it's all I want to do really. People move on and adjust to the fact that we are without them. I can't even talk to our son about him. Actually he has our early photos because when we moved into a smaller property we decided we should leave them with him, and he intends over the winter to transfer our slides to the computer. This might be a chance to reminisce once he has done it, though in some ways I don't wish to go so far back with memories. I want to bring Pete to mind as he was just before he had the stroke. I dreamed about Pete last night (first time for ages) and reached for my iPhone to record it. I haven't listened yet and think it will be very disjointed as I couldn't remember much when I woke. I am reading Eben Alexander's Proof of Heaven. It's rather amazing. His experience of 'heaven' is kind of conventional in some ways which to me raises issues of confusion as it sounds too conventional (I am struggling to convey what I mean here). But I think it's his human interpretation of something outside our present understanding. I think it fits into modern theories of multi universes and quantum worlds in some ways. As we know that most of our bodies and made up of empty space there seems to be plenty of scope for other worlds which co exist alongside our own and I am coming to beleive that if a spiritual zone exists (call it heaven) it is just a breath away. Heck I'm sure I am making no sense at all here and that is because I don't have a clue about all this. All I know is that the world/universe/ reality is far far more complex than we can understand. I've strayed away from my original topic here. Please excuse that, but I thought you might be interested. I know Mary has ordered Eben's book. It's almost 8 am here so you in the USA should be asleep. I'm still sleeping really badly despite trying meditation tapes when I wake. Jan