ANC1117

Thank you Missing Him. Last night I was at a friends house and they wanted to watch "Whale Wars". This was a favorite of Celene's and we would go over to the same friends house almost every Friday night to watch it. I sat on the same love seat, as Celene and I had before, and during the show I glanced over to the empty seat next to me. It brought back the memory of those nights last year. I didn't cry, instead I enjoyed the mental visual of Celene next to me.

Jan, Your Pete was so correct about being intertwined. What a lovely poem. I have had friend express how they saw Celene and I together and knew we were so "intertwined". Always spending what personal time we had together. Always talking. Venting our anger, created by others, toward one another then realizing that it wasn't us we were angry at. Holding hands always. Just never getting enough time together and longing for more. I have had friends tell me about their journey after losing a grandparent, parent, or sibling. I don't discount any of the pain they have endured and share my sympathy for their loss. It is my feeling that losing a spouse / partner shares a whole different level of connection. The support I was given prior to reaching out to this group was from people who have lost family members but not a spouse or partner. The people in this group who share their journey, pains, and joys can relate more closer to the situations I have / may face. I truly miss the bond and intimacy that only a true love of a spouse or partner can offer. That to me is the hardest challenge I face. Just know that I share your grief and hold you in prayer. Anthony

KayC, Ive been spending a lot of time working on bringing joy into my life, although work seems to interfere. I work for a family business and now my struggles with motivation and focus is creating problems for the company. I handle about 85% of the activities of the company; my father is 80 years old and wants to retire, leaving me responsible for 100%. Celene made sure our personal environment ran smooth and that allowed me to focus on business. Now I have both my personal and business environments needing attention and all I want to do is figure out life without Celene. The unfortunate part is I am not sure if owning the business is what I want to do, although I need income to survive.

Celene was a very lovely woman and Ciara is every bit her mother's daughter, I was and still am very blessed. I can relate to your breaking down and crying when you hear songs that your love sang to you. I was driving in my truck a couple of months ago and pushed the CD button to find a CD Celene had made for me on Valentine's Day 2008. The songs helped me connect with her and how much love she had for me. The very first song brought tears to my eyes when I listened close to the words. I have shared the link below. I think it will touch many of our hearts. http://www.dailymoti...ere-you-are_fun

Over the months I have began to avoid the people in my life who have given me advice that doesn't feel right at the time. Some have told me to dive back in to my work to keep my mind busy, others have told me that I need to go out and meet another woman to help ease my pain. I know it will take time to adjust to life without Celene. Celene always had her way of letting me know when I procrastinated so I am sure she will let me know if I drag my feet too long. From the communications we have had KayC, I pray the new me will be a better me. Thank you for sharing your journey with us, it really helps to shed light into our darkness.

Missing Him, I am sorry for your loss as well. To leave us all at such a young age is so sad for anyone. I think of all the plans we talked about for when we got older. I always told her that I needed to go first because I couldn't handle life without her. I even reminded her on the night she laid in the hospital, that I was to go first. I will always love her and hold tight to the memories of the time I was blessed to shared with her.

Thank you so much KayC. I am so lucky to have Ciara. I know the day will come when she will leave home to start her own life and I only pray that she will find someone who will give her all the love she gives. Celene blessed me with trusting me into their lives.

It has only been 7 months (8 on the 10th) and I think I am finally coming to realize Celene is never coming back. I have have manage to try everything I can to fill the void in my heart and now life seems to be getting back to normal and I am faced with the true fact that she is gone. I have began to ask myself "what now" more often and still have no answer. I share in your feelings, Gakydog414, of being lost. I have to fall asleep with the TV on so my mind doesn't keep pondering. I hate the uncertainties. I know that with the advice from others on this discusion board, who have experienced the same situations, we will someday get a grasp on it all.

Celene was truly my soul mate. By our second date I knew I want to spend every hour with her and she with me. Celene and I talked about how she thought I was a total ass the first time we met and yet we still found each other unwilling to say goodbye just weeks later. We met again at a friends moving get together and spent the whole night, into the morning, just talking and sharing our life stories. I am not sure if I will ever find that connection again and at this time not sure if I want to. Zeeks, I pray that your wishes to memorialize your husband. I understand just how you must feel when you say: "Everything to which I have tried to "go on" has become futil". Although it has been less than 8 months since I lost my soul mate, I feel frustrated that the will to keep Celene's dreams alive keep hitting delays and road blocks. I pray that we both find solutions to our wishes and that better days are ahead.

amw, I am not sure what renter rights you have where you live, I know that it takes 90 days to remove a renter here in the Phoenix area where I live. If you get a moment, search the Internet for your State, County, and City laws that describe a renters rights. I know how it feels to have people constantly calling when it comes to money, especially when there is little to none available. I can only send out my wishes that your financial situations find some resolve. I noticed many have offered some great avenues to start to find assistance. You may even try searching the Internet for foundations that may offer help to widows in need of financial support. Be strong, put away the noise for a moment and let your heart do some healing.

Jan, I can recall how angry I felt the first time I felt normal feelings of joy. I thought to myself: how can I be joyful while I should be grieving? It was the information from reading information posted on the site and in this discussion group that made me realize it was OK for me to be happy. This group has offered me so much help in the last few days that I struggled with for months. Just the other day I heard my daughter Ciara laughing while watching a TV show and it made me feel so joyful. It made me remember how Celene loved my laugh and how the stressful life I lived didn't offer me much time for laughter. Just recently I bought a new printer so I can print pictures of Celene that I will put in frames throughout my office and home. I too began a journal and it has helped me reflect on the great times and memories we shared. I regret that I waited almost 8 months to log onto the Hospice site and find this discussion board. I am however thankful that I did and look forward to sharing this place with others who can relate. Thanks to all who share and my prayers are with all who read these posts.

I have had opinion overload since Celene passed and at the beginning it made me question my actions. On the evening, while she still laid in the hospital room, the donor people called and asked if Celene was a donor. At that time I couldn't recall if that was one of her wishes or not. They needed to know by morning so they could prepare. Knowing my wife and how giving she was I gave them the OK for partial donations. The choice weighed heavy on my mind until I finally located our wills and took note of both the cremation and donor wished Celene had made; I made the correct decision for her. Over the last months, I have attempted to keep a relationship with Celene's family. I want Ciara to know they are still important in her and my life. They do however continue to try to force there views, mostly against, the way we memorialize Celene. Just this last Mother's Day, Ciara chose to book a cruise for us that put us in California on the 13th. We have always relied on Celene's family to take care or the "boys" (our dogs). They refused and wanted us to cancel our plans. I found the refrigerator magnet from a pet sitter we used before and had it taken care of. To see my daughter crying on the phone call with them and the thought of having to cancel her plans for the first Mother's Day without Celene really upset me. It make me question if a relationship between them and I is really needed. I don't discard the pain that her family must feel, I only wish they understood that when Celene and I got married we created a new life together and that life came with decisions we made for it.

Lina, I too was going insane. Having to make decissions on the memorial service, picking out the stationary, writing the obituary, and the hardest was having to here myself tell friends that Celene had died. Hearing myself say those words made me break down and cry, having silence on the other end of the phone till I could gather myself and finish the conversation. Celene too had to be examined by the M.E. due to her young age. So when I was asked by friends what her cause of death was I had no answer; the Examiner finally sent a letter 2 months later-"Natural Causes". Having to wait for Celene to be released left time for family members to try to change my decission on cremation. I am not sure why a decission made by Celene long before her passing was even being challenged; the morning after even. Much the same as your love passed doing what he loved, Celene took her last breath while in the company of Ciara and our two dogs; Bugsy and Bear. They all three ment the world to her, especially her "Babygirl" Ciara. I remeber I knew the moment Celene's spirit left her body that afternoon. As I was driving back from out-of-town to the hospital in total panic of what was unknown to me at the time. I was crying and praying out loud for all to be O.K., when suddenly a total calm and piece came over me. I was confussed at that moment as to why I wasn't feeling the pain and panic of the unknown. It was when I arrived at the hospital and got the news that I later understood it was my Celene letting me know she has passed and to not worry; just be calm, drive safe and make it to the hospital to comfort Ciara and family.

I know how I enjoy finding notes, old letters, cards, text, and emails that Celene sent me. I wish she had kept a journal for me to reflect on. I know that our daughter Ciara will find plessure in having my journel to help her know how much love her mom and I shared. Hopefully she can share it with her children when I am no longer around to tell the stories myself.

I know how hard it must have been on your anniversary day. Celene and my anniversary was 5 weeks after her passing. It was the same day as my parents. I am not sure how I made it thru the day. I can remember making a posting on her memorial site, my first night back to work, and having dinner with my daughter, father and a couple of friends. My birthday was 4 days before Celene passed. She made mini cakes and a couple were left over. I wanted so bad to keep the left over cake she made me last forever, of course it didn't. Looking at that cake reminded me of how happy we all were on my birthday and I just wanted to be happy. On days when I am feeling down, I look for reminders of the happy moments we shared. Anthony

Lina, I know what you mean about too many decisions. I was asked the other night "what do you see in your future?" I couldn't answer a simple question like that? I always had a plan or goal in mind. Now without Celene, I don't know what Iwant to do. From what I have read here is that only time will tell. I guess we are on the right path.

For Christmas in 2008, Celene bought me a journal. I picked it up today and read thru the entries over the years. I then picked up a pen and began to enter my current thoughts. I plan on writing in it as often as possible. I hope that my journal will help me keep track of the memories and moments I recall every day.

Missing Him, I lost my Celene when she was 40 and it makes me angry that her life ended at such a young age. She had so much more to offer and out of the blue she was taken away. I recall the first month without her and how I wanted to just hide from everyone and anything that reminded me of her passing. Family and friends would not let me be alone, even when I needed time to be alone. We are all here to share our journey with you as you share yours with us. Even months later I find myself crying and wanting to be alone, then I think how Celene would tell me to be strong. The pain will come and go, just know we are here for you. Anthony

amw, I can recall the first few weeks after my wife passed. I would go through the motions and wasn't even sure I knew what I was doing. When Celene passed, I had friends help me out financially and even a church I didn't belong to gave assistance. I have found that when I asked for help I received it, and even if the individual I talked to couldn't help me, they pointed me in another direction that could. We don't know what the future will bring or we would have seen these life changing event long before they happened. Be strong and let Jim's love be your will to find the answers you need. Anthony

Thank you for sharing this link. I find it so challenging to maintain focus. I pray that everyone who has lost a loved one has peaceful days. Anthony

Cheryl, Thank you. I feel the ups and downs every day. I am so uncertain what to do with my life now. Some of my friends define their life by monetary success they acquire; I defined it by the love and strength of my family. With Celene gone, the major part of who I was, I am not sure if what I did before is what I want to do now. Do I continue in the past or start living my life for me now? There are so many questions that I wish could be answered. I only hope and pray that the result of Celene’s passing will bring about a more positive and strong person. Anthony

KayC, Thank you for responding. It saddens me when I think of how young she was and how all the dreams we talked about will never be achieved together. Ciara just turned 21 last December. Celene and I agreed that she could live with us as long as she needed till she was sure about her own life. She took a break from college last semester and plans to start back up again in the fall. Celene and she were very close and I know there will be milestones in her life when a dad just can’t fill a mother’s shoes. I pray for her comfort during those times and that she will feel the presence of her mother’s love. I also pray that Ciara doesn’t put her life on hold to prevent me from being alone. Anthony

Lina, I read your posts when I first joined and knew I was in the right place. Your loss and mine are very similar in that are lives changed without any warning. One moment our love is alive and within hours we are left with memories. I am not certain if I had lost Celene after she battled an illness would have been any easier, I do know that losing her this way gave me no time to prepare. Celene was the strong willed person in our relationship and she always put the needs of her family before her own. She made certain that Ciara and I had several friends in our lives, and it was the loving care of those people who made life a lot easier to handle the weeks following Celene’s passing. My prayers go out to you and hope I can be helpful for you. Anthony

NATS, Thank you for sharing your link with me. On the night Celene passed, someone from the hospital handed me a Hospice pamphlet. I placed it on my dresser and didn’t look at it until recently. Over the past months I felt really strong about the new chapter in my life; don’t get me wrong, it has not been easy. My work and social life has consumed my emotions and now I find myself lost and confused. There are so many things that I want to do for Celene’s legacy and find my personal surroundings continue to pile up on me. I am not sure if I even took the time to properly mourn. So that brought me to reaching out to this group and hopefully finding suggestion and/or answers to the multitude of questions I ask myself daily. Anthony

My name is Anthony and I have sought out this discussion board after realizing that I need help to keep moving forward with my life without my Celene. I met Celene over 15 years ago and knew within days that she was truly my love, companion, soul-mate, best-friend… I also had the privilege of getting to know her lovely daughter Ciara. We married on November 17, 1997 and began our lives as a new family; sharing in God’s blessings and love. I still remember the tears in my eyes as I watched my Celene walk down the isle of our church on our wedding day. I still recall the beauty in her smile and the sparkle in her eyes as she looked into mine. She always had a sparkle in her eyes when we looked at each other; from the first time we met, to the last time I said goodbye. On the morning of October 10, 2011, I left for work as normal. I kissed Celene goodbye and we shared our “I love you” as I headed out of town for the day. I called Celene when I got to the job site and we talked about how she couldn’t shake the cough from a cold she had, and how the doctor couldn’t see her till the next day. There were no other workers on the job site so Celene and I joked that I should just pack up and head back home. This was about 12:00 when we talked and never knew it was the last phone call we would share. At 1:45 Ciara called to let me know paramedics where coming to get Celene; she stopped breathing. I jumped in my truck and headed to the hospital. I was several hours away, and when I arrived I was told the news that my Celene had passed. Celene passed just three days from her 41st birthday and five weeks away from our 14th wedding anniversary. I close my eyes today and still see her in that hospital bed, I hear myself saying one last “I love you” as I kissed her forehead, I feel me stroking her hair, and the last time I would touch her hand again. I am not alone, Ciara still lives and home and reminds me of Celene and our love as a family.