ANC1117

Kay, Although I have never been in an evacuation, I pray that all will be well. Anthony

Melina, Reading your post made me think of how much more difficult my passing would have been for Celene, had I gone first. I do not know your husband, although I can tell you that Celene would have echoed your words as she reflected on our marriage. I know there were times when Celene felt that she didn't offer as much to our marriage as she wanted or could; I however know that her love for me and our family was nothing less than mine. We had our moments as I believe all married people do. I do know that I could have let her know more often that I appreciated her and how her being in my life was the reason I thrived to be better; for my family and myself. When I met Celene, she had a 4-year old daughter; Ciara. At times I wished Celene would have let me be more of a father to Ciara than I was allowed. Although, looking back now, Celene opened her world to me as much as she felt safe with and the bond that Ciara and I have now is proof of that.I am sure that as a mother, you too had the protective interest in your son's life. The fact that your son misses him is a good indication that your husband was given the gift of being a father to your son also. Prayer and belief. Anthony

Thank you Marty for sharing Boom Boom's obituary with us. Celene had the gift of seeing good, along with bad, in people as well as animals. She always said she would rather spend time with animals than people; that is why I care for 9 rescued cats and two adopted dogs, not to mention the maintenance of the birdbath and bird feeders. Thanks and appreciation. Anthony

Babylady, I do agree that screaming in the car keeps the animals safe from taking cover. I am glad that I drive an older truck, when I take out my frustration by punching at the roof of the truck (better than wall repairs in the home). Anger can be hard to deal with on my grief journey... Smiles and understandings. Anthony

Enna, My compassion for your lost goes out to you. It was not too long ago when I lost my Celene and felt pain unlike any I experience before. I came to this group from a Hospice brochure given to me from a volunteer. It took me a while to get here and now I find such comfort in sharing with others in this group. Although we have a common purpose for being in this group, we all joined at different times, giving viewpoints from different stages along the journey. Prayers and comfort. Anthony

Jan, I had a very similar situation. On the day I received the call from my daughter that Celene had stopped breathing, I was working on a friends cabin. At the time I got the call, the paramedics had not arrived yet. Being hours away from home, all I could do was pray and hurry back home to be with her and help my daughter. On my drive home, I didn't know Celene never took another breath. Being that the cabin was still in need of completion, I knew on day I would have to return. I prolonged that return for as long as I could, until my friend said he could wait no longer. I can recall my drive to the cabin and how many times I cried on-and-off, especially when I got out of my vehicle. Once there, I took a moment to reflect on the event of that day and how my life had changed. Several thoughts entered my mind: what if I had stayed home?; is Celene looking down on me right now?; am I making the right choices for our daughter and me now?; why Celene? I have been back to that cabin several times since that day and I do occasionally have flashbacks of that day. I do feel that going back helped me to seek out many answers to the questions I asked that day. It was a walk that I needed to take on my journey. It too was around four months after Celene died that I made that visit. I believe that you will find your visit may bring questions that you too will find the answers to. Strength and encouragement. Anthony

Mary, Your poam is so fitting and so beautiful. Thank you for sharing it with us. The "Hole" is what it feels like every day. Anthony

Harry, Your post speaks volumes. Many of my friends have lost parents, siblings, and even children; they do speak thier truth about moving on with life from their own pain. Celene and I longed for every moment to spend together. We made it a point to put our love for each other and our daughter above all else. I truly believe this is why I still find myself reaching out for her hand, longing for that kiss and hug goodbye in the morning, the kiss goodnight, the sharing of both good and bad moments, and so much more. It have gotten to a point where I can be in solcial suroundings without breaking down in tears and this may make it seem that Celene's passing has become easier for me to others. It is the alone moments when I do things that she and I enjoyed doing that my life without her is most painful. In three days it will be 10 months since Celene's death and I continue on. Thanks and peace. Anthony

It was held in Camp Verde, Arizona (about 1 1/2 hours north of Phoenix). Celene was very passionate about animals and animal rights. On Celene's urn is engraved "Your Dream Will Live On". With her dream of living a life surounded by animal, I continue to provide support for the places she and I enjoyed visiting. I hope to have a foundation set up in her honor, that will continue to provide aid and support for animals. The foundation will be named: Celene's Dream. Anthony

I hope and pray that all our loved ones who have passed are watching over us. I too feel as if my life continues to spin out of control at times. The last three days I have been working on the cabin that I was working on when my lovely Celene passed. Although I believe I get a little stronger each time I do go there, I still have moments when the world seems to stop and I realize I was standing right over there when I got the call from my daughter that Celene stopped breathing. It is as if my mind has to confirm that Celene is gone by punching me on the side of my brain that helps me continue forward without being an emotional wreck 24/7. Understanding and compassion. Anthony

Vickie, I know what you mean about the need to get away from the big brown cloud. My work alows me to get away to northern Arizona from time to time; I am in Flagstaff as I write this. The other day I had a light Friday so as I drove from Flagstaff to Phoenix I took a detour thru Sedona. Celene and I found Sedona so beautiful and calming. I wan't to stay there and not return back home. The memories of the times Celene and I spent in Sedona, made me feel so close to her. I only wished I could have stayed longer. If you and Pat spent a lot of time in the mountains, you will find that special closeness I found when you spend the time taking in the memories of the moments shared. I pray that you find the way to get away so you can energize yourself. It sounds like you have pussed thru so much and need to continue on. Prayers ang wishes. Anthony

Kay, Thank you for you insight. I am one of those "under a year" people and I do look at my progress as set backs. I will agree that I feel my worst when I reflect on my life with Celene and how much I life without her seems so void. Caring for knowledge. Anthony

MartyT, Thank you.

Last night was a special memorial reception for Boom Boom, a rhino from Out of Africa Wildlife Park, who passed recently. Boom Boom was a friend of Celene's and mine. My profile picture is Celene and I in front of Boom Boom's enclosure. I was uncertain about attending the event, afraid of the emotions that I may experience. I pushed past all the reasons my mind told me not to go and went. I am so glad I went. Celene would have wanted to go and in a way she was with me there last night. Thinking about it now, Celene may had been the force that pushed me to go. As I was in attendance at the park, I recalled several moments that Celene and I shared the last time we were there. Joyful and comfort. Anthony

Missing Him, My visits come and go as well. I find myself coming to visit when I need the supportive affirmation that I am not alone in my emotions. I recall the first months and all the tears that I cried. I now regret the advice of some friends who said: "dive back into your work and stay as busy as you can will help keep your mind from think about it". To me that advise only prolonged my grieving. It wasn't until my "busyness" slowed and I began to take time for myself that my grief hit hard. I was glad a women at the hospital gave me a Hospice brochure. It was when I had hit a point of not knowing how to handle my emotions that I came across the brochure again and found this site. I will go days without feeling depressed and then blam... it hits me again. It is on those moments that I find myself back here, where I know I can find uplifting advice and support from many who have, or are, on the same journey. Caring and understanding. Anthony

Mary, Thank you for the kind words you have shared with us all on our journey. I pray that this new chapter in your life brings you the peace and joy you so much deserve. I also hope that you do have moments to drop us all a note to let us know your doing well. Blessings, hope and appreciation. Anthony

In a week it will be 10 months since Celene pasted. I look at pictures of the good times shared and at times it brings me joy and other times sorrow. I can go for days, even weeks, doing well and then at any unknown moment it hits me: Celene is not here anymore; what know? At times I recall our priest saying at our wedding: "we leave our mother and father and become one". Well now I am half and realize there is so much truth in that phrase. I know we will all make it and we will all grief in our own ways. Just take one moment at a time and embraced the moments when the memories bring us joy in our hearts. Blessings and hugs. Anthony

Daily I misplace or forget things. Not sure if you have ever looked at something, and at the moment wondered why, then later realized it was a message to grab/take/pick up that item. I have began to act on those unknown mental messages to help me not to forget things. Just my experiences... Prayers and understanding. Anthony

Jan C, I have Celene's ashes in a blue and silver urn (her favorite colors) on my dresser with her picture behind it and memorable items around. Ciara and I had "Your dream lives on" engraved on it. Ciara and I both have necklace charms that carry a small portion of Celene's ashes inside. Ciara's is a dog's paw (Celene loved animals, especially dogs) and mine is a dolphin (Celene and I loved the ocean). During holiday/seasonal times, I place items by the urn to help make a connection to the moment. Celene's wish was to have her ashes scattered where animal life would be present (forest, ocean, zoos...). I also will keep a portion to have placed with mine when my final day comes. Ciara will assist in that wish and she might choose to hold on to both of us till she passes; who knows. I do know that at this time I have no desire to begin scattering Celene's ashes. I know the time will come when it feels right. Anthony

amw, I was there too; it seemed as if I was in an ongoing dream/haze. All the friends in my life went back to their normal lives and I felt abandoned. Although there are times now when I don't want to be bothered as I deal with my grief. Just today as I laid in bed (ignoring my alarm and cell phone calls/texts), the thought came over me that Celene would have kicked my butt out of bed and told me to get to work. I did return the important calls and made it out to a few job sites as well. Dealing with the insurance company, utility companies, creditors was very exhausting for me too; even had utilities turned off when I was told by a friend they were taken care of. I do believe I noticed more of the "bad" in my life, during those early months, then the "good". Be strong, breathe often, and know you have someone watching over you that will listen even when others are not available. Prayers and understanding... Anthony

For talents I woodwork, paint pottery, digital art, and play the violin (Celene was much better at the violin than I).

Thank you all for your responses. I did make it through the night. At lunch I mentioned my emotional set backs to my daughter and let her know why I seemed on edge lately. She can tell when I have my days and knows when not to put too much pressure on me. She does however keep me from going completely inverted toward life. Today I stayed in bed as long as I could and now I have no choice but to take care of business matters; workers need materials and assistance. I guess I didn't really look at this holiday as being a family one and now I look back and realize that we always spent it together. Perhaps my subconscious let me know. Mary, your art work speaks volumes. I might have to let my emotions be captured from one of my talents; new or old. Prayers and compassion. Anthony

I hate the sneaky emotions of my grief. I seem to be in control then blam, out of nowhere I am hit. The last few days I have wanted nothing more than to be left alone and stay secure under the covers with the comfort of the boys (dogs). Being pulled from my wishes and having to tend to work made me angry and short with my dealings with others. Not everyone, just the people who make their situation seem soooo terrible; situations that have a resolve. I am not like this, I am usually a concerned and helpful individual who tries to solve problems for others. So I hate when my emotions of grief change who I am. Just yesterday I was doing a little shopping and I looked down at my hands pushing the shopping cart. This brought back a visual of my hand holding Celene's, as I would when she pushed the cart. I tried very hard to hold back the tears and then they came flowing. Then it seemed as if the only things I noticed in the store were things that Celene liked to buy. I had to make it a short shopping trip to keep from becoming a complete emotional wreck in the store. Then to complete my night. My daughter was planning on going to Chevy's for dinner with friends and informed me they closed down. That was Celene and my favorite place and our last "date night" location. Now I am faced with no desire to go anywhere today. This is not going to happen when my daughter and I have been invited to a BBQ with friends and she will make certain I go with her. I just hope to be pleasent... time to dust off the poker face. Prayers and hugs appreciated. Anthony

I have not lost a parent to be able to relate to what your children or my daughter are experiencing from their loss of such love. I know my daughter seems to hold herself together much better than I do and I have seen how she has become more of her mother's daughter now, than her daddy's girl, over the past 8 months. I know it troubles me when I can't share things that only a mother and daughter can share. This is an emotional trigger that makes me cry when I think of how much more time she will have without her mother. However, I do know that I will be there to love her and provide her with as much support as a father can give his child. Anthony