ANC1117

Harry, Sorry to here of the losses. I can recall my father going into the hospital a few months after Celene passed and thought to myself how and if I could handle another death close to me. It has been just over a year since Celene died and I have not removed her things. I even dust off the necklace she left hanging in our bathroom. Some days I see her clothes, or her makeup, and cry, thinking how packed things up may make it easier. I know someday I will when the time is right. For now I am taking little steps as needed. You are taking those painful steps when you feel strong enough to take them. Anthony

As a man in his late 40s, I have come to miss both the sex and intimacy. Marty, I am glad that you shared the blog with us. I found that several of the replies to be helpful with what I myself struggle with. I did notice how several spoke in regards to the intimacy side and I will agree that I too miss that part of my relationship with Celene the most. Not sure if it is in my blood (being Italian... ) or just male DNA, I struggle with the lack of sex. Now I don't want to turn this into a post that should be rated "mature audiences only" so I will just refer to one of the blog responses about the guilt. It was about 5 months after Celene died that I began to have the urge for the missed sexual part of our relationship. I continue to have those urges, (not to make Celene out in a disgraceful way) our sexuality was very active. I can recall telling a close friend how it was like going from all to nothing overnight. The part that keeps me from moving on to another partner, or "friend with benefits" (as noted from a blog reply) is the thought that I would be in some way cheating on Celene. That what we had should never be broken by another person. Even self gratification makes me feel shamed and guilty. I am not sure if this will pass with time, I do know that it is a struggle I deal with often. It is like the old Animal House movie, where a devil sits on one shoulder and an angel on the other. Anthony

Anne, Thank you for sharing. So much of it speaks volumes, especially the one about people with petty issues that can be solved. I have found very little, to no, tolerance or time for such problems. Smiles and hugs. Anthony

Last Saturday I attended the donor luncheon to "Honor Everyday Heroes". My daughter Ciara was going to join me and at the last moment was scheduled to work, so I went alone. We had originally planned to attend a workshop on "scrap booking memories". I decided to change it and attended a workshop on loosing a spouse and another on journaling. I knew it was going to be an emotional day; when at sign-in they handed out packets of tissue. The workshops were very helpful and the lunch was very tasty. During the day, on a huge screen above the stage, they showed all the donors pictures along with their names. To see Celene's picture on the big screen brought joy to my heart and some tears to my eyes. After lunch they passed out a book with all the donors from the past year. On each page, along with the picture, was a brief testimony written by family and/or friends of the donor. I wrote the one for Celene a few months back and when I read it Saturday, I teared up as if it was the first time I had read it. Then they called a family member from each donor to come receive an award certificate to honor each donor. The day was emotionally draining to say the least. Since Celene's passing I have worn my wedding band and on that morning I took it off and placed it on my chain; the same chain that has a dolphin that carries a bit of Celene's ashes. I had tried to remove my wedding ring a time before and could not bare the feeling that came over me. That Saturday morning was no different and throughout the morning I kept rubbing my finger where the ring once sat. During a break between workshops, a volunteer came up to me and we began to talk. She asked if I was waiting for someone and I told her I was there alone. As we talked, I mentioned that the donor who I was there to recognize was my Celene. I mentioned how I removed the wedding ring just that morning. She asked me why and I told her how emotional I would get whenever someone asked about my wife, and how they would apologize when the explained that seeing my wedding ring made them ask. The volunteer asked me if I felt I was ready to place my ring on a chain and explained that I really wasn't ready. She explained that showing emotions and talking about my Celene was a good form of healing. She also stated that if it made me feel comfort in wearing my wedding band then continue to do what feels right, that my heart will know when the time feels right. So I am wearing my wedding band as I type this and it does bring some comfort to my heart. Here is the passage I wrote in "Remembering Everyday Heroes" book for Celene: Celene Ann Scopellite All the love you gave as a wife, mother, daughter, and sister will be missed by us all. You will remain in our minds as we recall the many lives you touched with your overwhelming helpfulness. You will forever bring joy to our souls as we picture your smile and hear your laughter. The wag of a dog's tail, or the purr in a cat's meow, will remind us of your passion for animals. Your words will echo always as the voice of the of the silent. Your dreams will live in our hearts. ~Your loving husband,family and friends

Breeze, Ciara was 20 at the time. It saddens me when I think of the milestones that she will face in her life. Those moments when she will miss her mother the most. All I can do is offer her my love and support. Anthony

Breeze, I understand sudden loss. My Celene passed while watching TV with our daughter; just stopped breathing. I spoke to her just an hour prior and she said she was going to watch some TV and let her know when I was heading back home. I have to agree that I had a lot of anger toward several people who made my wife's life unpleasant prior to her passing. I still get angry when I know several individuals I think would be better gone from our lives then my Celene. Your Matt was very much a huge part of your life and now that part was taken from you without you having a say in it. We all know how you are feeling and we all share in your journey. Just know we are all here to help in any way we can. Anthony

In a previous post I talked about going to San Diego for Celene's one year anniversary. I mentioned how I wished for some kind of connection while I was there. The other day I was looking through my wallet and noticed a 2-dollar bill that I had tucked in with some receipts from the trip. I am not sure that it was change I received on Celene's day, although I do believe it was. At the time I tucked it away I only thought of how uncommon it is to get 2-dollar bills anymore. When I noticed it the other day, I thought of the others I have stashed away in a draw. I started saving them years ago when Celene told me how she had saved them for years until one day an old boyfriend had stolen them from her. In some way I believe that Celene gave me a sign while in San Diego in the form of that 2-dollar bill. Perhaps a message that she was there. Anthony

Mary, I live in The Phoenix, Arizona area. We are mainly desert here. About two hours north of us is Sedona, that has many trees that change color in the fall. This is an area Celene and I loved to get away to in the fall. I only hope the leaves haven't fallen off yet. Anthony

Hang in there Lina. It has been 1 year since Celene passed. This morning was so tough and having the two boys (dogs) cuddle with me made me feel comfort. My prayers go out to you. Hugs and Prayers. Anthony

It has been a year since Celene passed. I long for a dream with Celene in it. You all are so fortunate to have such a connection. Anthony

Mary, The tree is so colorful. Thank you for sharing it. I am looking forward to my trip up north so I can take in all the beautiful colors fall offers us. Visual and Beauty Anthony

She is. I often wonder how much of a mess I would be if she wasn't in my life.

Celene's birthday just passed last Saturday, October 13th. I didn't know how to celebrate it. Celene has a twin and I feel bad that I didn't even get Celene's twin a card. All I could think of is how her sister might have been feeling on that day. Anthony

Harry, I recently read how the loss of our spouse is like an amputation. I share in your complex grief process. I believe our spouses make us whole and now we are only a fraction of what we use to be. I spent almost all my life in control of knowing who I was and if I was uncertain in the last 17 years, Celene helped me find myself. My life seemed so grounded and now it is so uncertain. Too many of my actions lately are questioned or doubted by myself. I do not know why I am unable to just go back to the me before Celene entered my life. I do realize that changes happened as a result of Celene, and those will remain. I just don't understand the struggle to grasp who I am now. Anthony

Last Wednesday was the One-year Anniversary of Celenes passing. Ciara and I choose to make a trip to San Diego California for the week. San Diego was one of Celenes favorite places to visit. She loved any chance to interact with animals, both of land and sea. Ciara and I made certain to spend time at Sea World, San Diego Zoo and San Diego Wildlife Park. The week started off with my birthday on the 6th and ended with, what would have been Celenes 42nd birthday. I started Wednesday morning enjoying Celene's favorite breakfast, then visiting with all the animals she enjoyed spending time with; especially the giraffes and rhinos. Ciara and I even had the opportunity to feed and pet the giraffes and rhinos. Later that evening, we had dinner at her favorite restaurant in Little Italy. I thought that I would have felt some sort of connection to Celene while in San Diego. I am not sure what I was expecting, I just thought I would feel some type of personal connection. It was pleasant to see our daughter Ciara enjoying the interaction with the animal. She reminds me so much of her mother. There were moments of sadness, when I recalled the times Celene and I shared at specific locations. On Saturday, Celenes birthday, the hotel that we stayed at had two wedding ceremonies. Both could be seen from our balcony, so Ciara and I watched as the bride and grooms said their vows. The part that hit home to me was: Till Death Do You Part. I know when I heard those words at our wedding, they were only words. When I heard them on Saturday I couldn't help but think how true they are. When I arrived home last night, I stared into Celenes picture, stroked her urn, and talked to her for a moment about how much I missed her in my life. When I woke this morning, I felt unwilling to do anything. Anthony

Celene died on October 10, four days after my birthday, three days before her birthday, 1 months and seven days before our anniversary. It was so hard for me to process those days, including Thanksgiving and Christmas. I did spend those days with family though. I think is was our daughter who made it a point to spend the holidays with family. I recall just sitting there and feeling so alone. I know I engaged with others while there, I just remember being alone. I am not sure how I made it through those celebrations, I only know that I did. It could be that I was still in much shock over loosing Celene. Being a year later, I fear these holidays will be tougher. Anthony

Kim, I agree that it sucks. I frequently look back to the morning Celene died. She woke up, made me breakfast, kissed me as I left the house and less than six hours later, took her last breath. I recall the conversation we had on the phone just 45 minutes prior to our daughter calling me to say that Celene stopped breathing. I still don't understand it and it still doesn't make sense to me. I hate the new life I have without Celene and hate that I have to learn everyday how to move forward. I too have wished that my life would end and I wouldn't be in such pain and uncertainty. Then I look around at all the people still in my life that would struggle if I too was gone. I tell myself that there is a reason for all of this. I just wish I knew why. Understanding and confused. Anthony

missing him, Celene was 40 when she passed, I am sure I can relate to so much of your unspoken feelings. You and your husband most likely talked of plans/dreams of your future together, much like Celene and I did, and now we have to face them without our partners. I find so many questions, as to the direction I should move in, becoming so overwhelming that I seem to remain idle. Also, at my age in life, there are some changes that I fear will be more challenging without the support Celene provided. For example; I was having a really bad day and realized that the person who would listen to me unload my problems on was not a phone call away. It was a sad reality that brought tears to my eyes and pain to my heart. (On a positive note, my missing Celene did make my problems seem so little. ) Now I have to deal with days like these or find that friend who wont be bothered when I rant on. Hopeful and determined. Anthony

enna, A year prior to Celene's passing, we had our front yard landscaped. We had a Jacaranda planted along with other trees/bushes. This summer the Jacaranda died. It cried when I could not save it. I recall how Celene and I took care of that tree and how she would call it "Jack". It made me angry at myself for letting it die, I asked myself: "Why didn't you pay more attention to it? Why did you trust the yard guy to care for it?" I look at it now and understand I can not be in control of everything all the time. I am not pleased with how I have to pick-and-choose things to care for in my life right now. It does make me realize how much Celene did in our life together and that without her I can not handle it all. It makes me angry to know that my life with Celene can not be my life without her. Understanding and growth. Anthony

This last weekend I was invited to San Diego for a fishing trip. The trip was an overnight journey with on board sleeping on the ship. I couldn't sleep (too quite) , so I sat in a chair on the back of the ship. The sky was clear and loaded with stars. The sounds of the waves crashing against the nearby island's coast. I enjoyed the time to reflect on my life now and before. San Diego was a favorite place Celene, Ciara and I enjoyed visiting. I decided to stay a couple of days longer. I took in some snorkeling and as I observed the Bat Rays I remembered how Celene enjoyed feeding and petting them at Sea World. Now looking at them in there own free environment, I wished Celene would have had the chance to swim with them with me. I carry some of Celene's ashes in a dolphin pendant around my neck and I wondered if in some way she was living out her dreams along with me. I smiled and felt joy within my heart.

srm, My wife Celene passed on October 10, 2011. It took me some time to realize that I needed to surround myself with friends who can relate to my life changes and emotional roller coaster. I needed confirmation that I was not alone in my emotions. I wanted to know that the stages in my grief were normal. I have found, that being among all those who are part of this group, very helpful and healing to my soul. I know I can come here, when in good spirits and bad, and not be judged; only encouraged. I hope continue to find the same comforts and help. Friendship and understanding. Anthony

Mary, As I care for the rescued animals that Celene brought into our home, I am reminded of her love. How she only rescued the animals that she knew would have difficulties being adopted out. I can recall how emotional she got when one of the bottle-fed kitten or dog didn't survive. I would comfort her by stating the fact that if not for her willingness to be a surrogate foster mother, for the shelter, there might have been no survivors. And to also look at the health of the ones who did make it. I know all of our animals were spoiled by Celene's love for them, I only hope I am providing them enough. Anthony

Jan, I am so glad you went to visit your field. I am also glad to hear that your planning another visit. As time passes, I hope you have the opportunity to feel more engaged to continue many of the dreams you and Pete shared for your future. Patient and hopeful. Anthony