ANC1117

DeAnne and Zeeks, You are not alone with the "on-again-off-again" emotional roller-coaster. I play a huge roll in my family's business with many people's financial wellbeing at stake. When I get hit with an emotional trigger It can shut me down for a day or two. I am fortunate that I have a small support team to help me out and know me enough to know when I need time. Having a support team helps me even in my personal life. Anthony

Kay, Although I am new to the group, know that my prayers and thoughts go out to you when I read your post. I hope I never hear someone tell me to get over it, depending on my state of mind, they may not have a pleasant memory to recall every time they here the words "get over it". Anthony

Thank you for sharing the link and giving me a way of keeping Celene's birthday a special memorial of who she was. Celene loved both Celine Dion and Josh Groban. Thank you for allowing me to feel Celene's presence when watching the video. Anthony

Mary, I share many of the same uncertaintieses as you. During a short career break after school I was asked to return back to the family business. While working for/with my family I met Celene. Before too long we married and a new life began. My career no longer was my focus of happinessss, instead it was my new life with Celene and Ciara. Now that Celene is gone and Ciara is grown, I question what path I will take to bring happiness back into my life. I find that my career in the family business is not as fulfilling as it was when I knew it provided income for what really brought me happiness; my family. I know at the current time that I continue with the family business so others can survive. It is so hard to make any kind of change when all I wish for now is to share happiness with the woman who is no longer alive. I am certain that I will continue to keep Celene's dream of animal rights and protection alive, whetherer through a foundation or contributions. Only time will tell what direction "I" will now go.. Prayers - Anthony

Lynn o, I am so sorry for your lost. It has only been 8 months since I lost my wife and I hate the changes I must make. I find myself looking for the input of support that Celene would provide when making changes. Now without her I question wether, when, and what changes should be made. Most of all, I wonder if I will hate myself for making any changes. I think you will find many of us in this group share your pains. Prayers and compassion - Antony

Paul, It had been several months since my wife passed and I it wasn't until recently that I found this group. This group welcomed me and has given me a place I can share my good, along with bad, moment. I hope you find this group helpful as well. Anthony

Harry, I fell on my butt again today, just when I felt I was making great strides. Time to pick myself up and start the baby steps tomorrow. Thanks for sharing your analogy. Anthony

Lina, One big *hug* for you. I cant relate (being a man and all), although I know how Celene's look on life was during her late 30,s. I look at pictures of myself from a year ago, six months ago and two weeks ago; and can see how I am slowly starting to overcome the "worn out" look. I can tell you from my own journey that Dave's advise speaks volumes. Again, *hugs* - Anthony

I wonder if they have a Matching Widower program?

Jan, Thank you for sharing. It holds so true as what Mary said. I at times feel guilty when I experience new places, knowing how Celene would have loved being there; then I have to believe she is as long as she is in my heart. Anthony

After Celene passed, I too spent the nights falling asleep in the recliner to the sound of the TV. Around the forth week I went out and bought a TV for the bedroom. I remember hoe Celene took the TV out of our bedroom after she watch Oprah and heard that a TV in the bedroom draws couples apart. In a way I guess that hold true; falling asleep to the TV helps me keep from lying awake all night missing Celene. It has been 8 months and everything of Celene's is still sitting where she had left it (I did however do laundry). I see reminders of her when I wake up, go in the closet to get dressed, take a shower... I even took her toothbrush with me on a recent getaway. Today I sprayed some of her perfume on my pillow so I might feel closer to her. I too miss her being a bed hog and her accusing me of it, as I laid sideways on the edge of the bed; coverless... Friday, Ciara and I will be going to a friends Dude Ranch for the weekend. Celene loved going their to give the horses kisses. It was where Celene and I spent our honeymoon along with several family getaways. There will be several memories their and I know I will find myself some quite time to grief (I may not sleep very well considering there are no TVs in the rooms). The owner offered, when the time was right, a memorial for her in a place I chose. There is a bench that overlooks the corral where we would sit and Celene would give the horses treats and kisses. I think that would be a lovely site. In addition I want to thank you all for sharing you memories about your loved ones sleeping. It brought some joy to my heart. Prayers and hugs - Anthony

Liz, You are welcome and hope that some of my life's new lessons will be helpful to others. I hope your trip to Colorado was pleasant and you received a lot of loving support. I will have to say that their came a time when I experienced "Family Overload" and found it comforting to just sit back in the recliner with Celene's Boys (our dogs) and watch some TV. Prayers - Anthony

Jan C, I can recall the first day I tried to "fit" into my life before Celene's passing. I woke up, I got in my truck, I drove to the job site, I met my father on site, I began to work, I took baby-steps and then... the supervisor I had met just days prior to Celene's passing showed up and shared his sympathies for my loss. I held back the tears, went into the room I was working in, alone, and cried. I found it hard to see what I was doing through the tears. I finished my tears long enough to finish my tasks and headed back home. I remember the uncontrolled tears that fell that night in the shower and as I laid in bed. 8 months later and I know I am not even close to the person I was before. I remember that supervisors praising me for being on that site. He told me that he had mentioned to my father that "I would not be back". In a way he is correct, I may be in my physical being, I also know this physical being is not the me with Celene. I wake up every day and experience new lessons learned as to who I am, knowing I am still not the me I will be. I know it will take time and I accept the bad days with the good days. Being a part of this group helps me on those bad days. Reading the messages shared allows me to channel my feelings toward other's pain, along with learning ideas from others on how to possibly move forward. Prayers and wishes - Anthony

Zeeks, I know the pain you are feeling. I know what you mean about help and words not stopping the pain. I know for myself that only time and my own strength will mend my heart. Even today I was working on a job with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. He had heard about Celene and expressed his sympathy. The words he shared brought a few tears and set me into a state that changed my day. I was doing fine, keeping my focus on work, until I started to share memories of that day when Celene passed. I spent several minutes just reflecting on memories past and realized my production was minimal so I packed up and left the site. As much as I long for the day that only smiles will come from my memories of Celene, I patiently accept the pain that is felt from my lonely heart missing my soul mate. Prayers and wishes - Anthony

amw, I wish I could be of more help. I know that it took almost 3 months before the insurance company released any money. I was lucky that a friend of our family helped cover costs untill they release the funds. I know how you feel and I pray that you will find a way to get through the red tape. Anthony

She always made sure her family was taken care of and it seems to hold true even after she is gone.

I hate doing the laundry, and keeping the house looking like Celene kept it... I feel so hopeless at times.

You never can tell, I just might join the Tatt Fraternity ....

There is always hope for me yet...

Lina, It looks great. Although I am not a tattoo person myself, I know friends of mine who have tattoos to remind them of their love for a person. A very dear friend, and a best friend of Celene's, recently got a white tattoo as a reminder of her mom who recently passed away from cancer. We all need a little something to keep our memories alive. Prayers and wishes - Anthony

Paul, I feel for your loss. My wife Celene passed 4 days after my birthday, 3 before her 41st. It has been just over 7 months (8 months tomorrow) since she has been gone. It was a couple of months ago when I really began longing for the company that a relationship brings, although another part of me said it just didn't feel right at this time. I think I would only be trying to find another Celene and I know that is not possible. I need to get to a point that allows me to enjoy the relationship of another person for the person they are, not for the person I miss. Prayers and compassion - Anthony

At the time Celene created the Valentine CD for me I never paid much attention to the words of that song. When I found the CD and played it I thought: "what made her choose that song?, did she know something?, did she want me to have it for the message that she is only a heartbeat away?". Celene was the Josh fan and if not for her putting it on that CD over 3 years ago, I would not had heard that song at that time. In my findings over the past months I have come to realize that Celene was very much prospicience.

widower, I needed that laughter... thank you

Liz, It took me couple of days to "jump in" myself, as Mary put it: "How does one welcome someone to a group none of us wanted to belong to". I have found nothing but great compassion and loving supportive advise here. I lost my wife of 14 years over 7 months ago (8 months tomorrow), and with all the local support of family and friends, I finally reached out for "talk to strangers" support. I feel your anger and cant count the number of times I have punched the roof of my truck in anger when I think of how unfair dying was to Celene, our daughter, and myself, along with the many others who's lives were touched by her. Prayers and understanding - Anthony

Just let the tears flow. I can remember the same thing for me. I recall going to a get-together at a friends house and a guest I just met asked who there was my wife. I couldn't hold back the tears. My friend saw me crying and came over to comfort me, then my daughter.I just kept crying for what seemed like hours, although minutes (just as I am crying while I write this). It is OK and those who know you will be there to comfort you and understand. I recall a message I sent to a friend when I was feeling down and hurting bad. I was invited to go to lunch with a family member and felt exhausted from the emotions I was dealing with that morning. I text this friend and said how much of a challenge it was having to put on my "poker face" every time I went out. She could totally relate, having lost someone just previously, and said, "some will understand the sadness and some may not; don't worry about those that don't". Prayers and wishes - Anthony