ShanN

It's now April 1st. I remember the day so clearly... My last hours with her... And his brutality.

Fell asleep for a couple hrs. Just woke from flashbacks of him shooting her. She was my world my heart my everything at age 15... Stolen by the most evil man on this planet. The only comfort I take is that she s no longer with him and she is free and happy with The Lord. But that doesn't stop these tears I shed. That doesn't stop this gut wrenching heart ache tomorrow April 1 brings. My body hurts so bad. I have a migraine. I'm running a fever. My back is absolutely killing me... I can't take it. I have a church service honoring her at 7am.

I woke a hour ago from flashbacks of my stepfather killing my Mom. God this is so hard. I keep praying to her to help guide me to help ease my a hing heart to please be near to me. I am not a hateful person. In fact I hate the word hate. But I HATE that he hurt my beautiful Mama and stole her from me. Listening to music... To try to drown out the horrible flashbacks. Trying trying trying...

I know Kay... I'm so sorry you never had a good relationship with love from your Mom. (((Hugs)))

Shedding many many tears. In two days from this evening... It will be the day that monster stole My Mom from me. And right now I need her more than I ever have. Haven't a clue what it would be like having her in my these adult years.

My heart is so broken. The flashbacks of April 1st 1989 are so vivid, violent, and gut wrenching. My therapist set up a church mass for Monday morning and she is meeting me there. I just am so tired. I can't sleep. My head aches from so many tears. And words are so hard to find. I hate being alone, that's for certain.

Visited Leo. They started him on Dilaudid. Because he expressed that he is in a lot of pain. Chest pain... Again, but it's pretty bad. They did a chest x-ray and he has moderate fluid in and around his lungs and around his heart. I took a little video because he was saying silly things from the medication and he was calling me sweetie again. Even though very doped up... He knew exactly who I was and wanted me there. I'm posting the video. He was funny. I don't know if it will post from iPad No it won't post. He said Sweetie, they took my panties. I said what panties? Your pink ones? He said yeah! I don't know why I can't get the video to post.

Thank you Marty.

Kay, Actually, no, he's has not asked to come home. But that's what I want. Perhaps I'm selfish. But maybe he will improve at home. I don't know. Going to see him now.

Thanks Mary. Goodnight Hun. I hope your heart is lighter today. Prayers.

Yes I have explicit instructions on what he wants. And no he is not at that point. That's almost the most painful part because he is struggling with identity, memory, agitation... And doesn't understand why. His mind knows things are wrong... Only he doesn't know why or what he doesn't remember. I want to take him home. There are people working with me to make that happen. I'm in tears again tonight. Just going to listen to music.

I just got this message for a half hour trying to log in... Account Limited This account has exceeded predefined resource usage limits and has been temporarily limited to ensure shared hosting stability. Please contact IPS support for further information. I completely flipped out to much bigger tears than I was already crying. Has anyone ever gotten the above message?

I'm sobbing tonight. I'm doing my best to breathe. Today was just tough. This week has been. And I have to make decisions for Leo when that time comes. It's overwhelming. And Mondays anniversary is hitting me so hard. I am having a hard time breathing. I took my meds... But ended up vomiting them up I was crying so hard.

Bless your heart dear. I am lighting a candle for Bill tonight.

((((((Hugs))))) Mary... How heart breaking... Especially today of all days for you to share that with me. Leo ate a bit tonight. But still doesn't much want me there. I don't wish to agitate him, so I do t stay long. It's a hard balance.

Thank you Yes, I just got a last min appointment with my therapist for 3pm. 2 hrs from now. No I'm not staying with my SIL and BIL. I'm visiting Leo after I see my therapist.

Thank you ladies, Am in a very bad place. Am at my SIL's today because I'm just very overwhelmed and not feeling so safe. Leo is "giving up". That is evident. In spite of my undying love and encouragement. But I'm on overload, with Monday approaching and those horrible memories.

(((((((Gentle hugs))))))) Mary, I've been thinking of you all week. What a beautiful poem and tribute to your Bill, beautiful photos. I hope you can feel your lovey residing beside you today in spirit. He is very proud I am sure. Peace and love.

My heart is so broken. In 8 days it will be 24 yrs since he took you from me Mama. This is harder than its ever been. Probably why I'm sick right now. Because the flashbacks of him shooting you are so vivid. And me holding you in my lap when he ran... You were gone in an instant. But I held you still because I thought if I just held you, your head would stop bleeding and you'd be ok. But you were gone... Just like that. I didn't want to stop holding you. I never wanted to let you go. I wanted to go with you. You were my world, my heart, my soul, my everything. I thank God for the 15 yrs I had you. My heart aches so much. I love you Mama. I need you. I miss you more than anything. I love you to infinity and beyond always always.

Kay, yes I am honestly now resting and accepting more that Leo is being taken care of. I have been sleeping for the good part of the day... With a few awake times because of my tummy and intestines. But I'm not going anywhere at least until Monday. And I actually Promise you that. Love and hugs.

Fae, I have no choice but to stay home and rest. Drs orders. And yes Leo's sis and BIL are going to visit him. I am trying to sleep but have a stomach and intestinal bug. Love ya

I just spent 4hrs in the ER. Combination of things. Panic attack, very high BP, nausea, vomiting, some loose stools, pain from head to toe. Very anemic... Already knew that. My fibromyalgia is acting up. Got two big bags of IV stuff and Ativan and Zofran. Home almost 3am feel like I've been hit by a truck physically, emotionally, and mentally. And I REALLY WANT MY MOM!!

Just cryi g and crying and crying.....

I really can't take much more. I just want to give up. It's not a want, it's like I'm just overwhelmed with Leo and overwhelmed with April 1st and missing my Mom. I'm not giving up. But it sure would be easy to do.

Kay, you didn't ramble on darlin... I quite enjoy reading about yours and Mary's and others love story's. I am still waiting on the appointment for the hemotologist. Leo was very quiet and more confused today. I can't really predict how he will be day to day. I so miss his goofy side though. He has lost that wonderful side for the most part. I'm bypassing watching Netflix or even eating... I'm going right to taking my meds and going to bed. Of course not without "talking" to my dear Mom in Heaven.