Pollara

I believe that the biggest problem in a break up is that at some point you don't want to forget. You say that I want only to be him and noone else because it is difficult to imagine yourself with somene else. And there is the big problem in my opinion. If you accept this, you will see that you will actually feel better. Well, I am not the one to talk, because I always used to forget the ones that they hurt me really easily, and it is the first time that I cannot, since the problem is related to grief and to nothing else, and since my relationship had just started. But I don't know, I actually have managed to keep contact with 2 of my previous boyfriends in really friendly terms and also I usually fully forget how it was when I was with another person. I don't know, maybe this is not natural, but I can do it very easily, and even my previous 7 year relationship manage to forget it in one month. I think I accept the facts very easily.

Well I will keep this post as a motivation one. I only find posts that the one who distant himself never returned. But this is the 3rd "successful" case that I read so that gives me hope.

Hello there! I am here to take your piece of advice although I know how things go, I probably am in the phase of still hoping but I guess there is no luck with me. In any case my story: I met my boyfriend last September before I left my country in order to go to another place to work for some time. We are both at our 30s. We kept contact through MSN and then when I got back to my country for christmas holidays we started dating. He is not the type who had a lot of girlfriends and same goes for me. We are both very picky (OK I know that this is a tiny detail). At that time he thought of me as hir rock and said that I have helped him a lot, because his mother was battling with cancer a lot of years now, but since this was the 4th metastasis he knew that things wouldn't got well. I should also mention the fact that his parents had divorced a lot of years now, but he and his sister are on good terms with father. In any case, after Christmas I left to go back to my work in my country and we started a long distance relationship with the usual MSN, chating and phone call routine. And in general we were both very happy. Then at the end of February his mother passed away and he asked me for some time to deal with the fact which of course I gave him. The irony is that, as I was searching to find to send him something to comfort him I came along this forum by chance and I told, oh this doesn't happening. This won't happen to me. How stupid I was. Then after talking with my psychologists friends, they told me that this can happen, but not to worry, since in the end, when his depression will finish, he will return.But I should show understanding since he might not have the energy to devote to our relationship right now. Luckily, one week after he returned to his usual MSN and calling routine so I thought that the worst have passed. How stupid I was for second time. Then after 3 weeks he started to reduced the ammount of phone calls and MSN messages to 1 every 3 days and only at a typical level: how are you?I am going to buy food and then left. But he was planing to come and see me at my country so I was waiting for it. And then 2 weeks ago, he actually came. And I was really happy. But then I saw that his depression had taken over. He was really distant, wasn't very intimate, even the way he kissed and hug me were different. I don't know if it was the right thing, but before that I was planing to go on summer holiday in order to be with him, so I asked him, do u really want to come at summer?And he told me that he honestly doesn't know. That after his mother's death he was ok for 3 weeks but then he started to get bored over everything including me, so I should do what is best for me and not thinking about him. In the end he left and told me that he had a very good time and that we will talk when he returns. After that we spoke only one per 3 days and very typical, he didn't send me kisses as he used to and it was more on a friendly level. I guess the time to break up with me is approaching. So do you think I should go there for holidays or let it go, because I would be an extra pressure to him? I was thinking of telling him something among these lines: that I know that you don't have the energy to deal with me now and I understand it, so if you want we just put everything in pause, you can talk to me whenever you want, and we can see things over us again when I will return to our country (my contract expires on November). What do you think? Is there any light on the tunnel? Yes I also am aware of the fact that we were only dating for 2 months before the incident of his mother and the one of them was in the LDR while the oher 2 I was away. And this is what I think about most of the cases that I read (and not only mine) that in the end, there might be some other problems in the relationship or the other person, just didn't wanted as much as he/she thought. Because in the end, most people turned to their significant others at times like this. So, I strongly believe that they chose to shut us out, not only because grief is a personal process etc, but because they didn't loved as strong as they thought to begin with. Sorry for the long text

Hi Plum! I am so sorry about what you ve been going through and in fact this is the reason that I joined this website because I am in the same situation. But I will make one post while I will be waiting for your advice. I think that you did the right thing but saying him that you put things on pause, actually this is what I am also thinking of doing. I hope things will turn out right. I cannot stand this whole pesimism. In fact I only read about only one successful case and no matter what my psychologists friends are saying to me, that if I am there in discreet and no pushing him that he will gradually return I have lost faith. I hope everything works for you.