Pollara

Well to be honest, of course this is my logic, I don't mind if he goes and have sex with a random girl. Sex is a physical contact and he might feel this need at this point (let's say). But if it is to make a move back to his ex and do a relationship with her, hell no. There wouldn't be a way of forgiving him at all.

no Plum since he answers to you I don't see the reason of no contacting him. I agree with you. I mean I also has this fear that if you don't contact someone you might not hear from him again. But in my case I just did it. My selfish self came in the surface and not only that. I believe that I am a burden to him, so if he wants he knows where to find me

Well I doubt that they will think like that if they are no @ssholes. I believe that someone will appreciate it. men usually take for granted girls that insult and disrespected and still be there. Here it is a difficult situation. Well at least this is what I think. But of course you never know

Well they usually don't give any explanation. Like this is natural or something. In my case after his last chit chat I went to no contact. Blocked him from every online connection that I have with him. If he wants he can still find me at my home phone. Of course he didn't bother to do it and I doubt that he will. But I think this is the best for me. I want to move forward. At the end of the day if it is to return he will. But I find it so strange that he doesn't think of me or think of me and does nothing. He knows that I am not the person that i will try to start a whole converstation, so he could have say a hi. but well, before that, before he came here, I had fell and I was thinking of going to the hospital and he didn't bother to contact me for 5 days. I mean I could have been at the hospital. If this isn't selfish then what?

yes it was kind of sad, but on the other hand he was the one who broke up with her and remembered her after 7 months of no contact?? And it was funny that he contacted her and pissed off because she couldn't find her. and in the end didn't even feel sorry that he caused problems. Just sent another message like: I am sorry that I didn't do it earlier. You shouldn't make what ifs, because things are the way they are. OK I also have thought: what If I hadn't left my country at the first place. What if I was there for the funeral? But I couldn't. So things came to this (but it might have come otherwise). In any case I think that if someone returns to his girlfriend after this testing it should be difficult to break up, because he will know that this girl was waiting for him

Hmm did they have keep contact all these years? If they did, I guess there is nothing to worry about. I guess. But I have also read that in other threads, that they had no problem to talk with ex-s that they didn't speak like for ages, but not with the particular girl. Sometimes this behavior like we are not exist or like they treat us like they hate us really bothers me. My bf also had an ex girlfriend like that who cheated on him and was very jealous and she didn't like the fact that she had another girlfriend but they were on "war" terms. Not even talking. So if he chooses her over me at the end of the day, well he deserves it

Yeah Hellena I totally understand how you feel and i guess it is the same for us. For example when I am talking to my "normal" friends that they do now anything about grief they tell me: "ok it is his grief. so what?Does this mean he is not selfish and self centered as a person? You only treat him well and you never push anything over him. You never had fought over anything and during the last months you don't mention anything about your relationship in order not to make him feel pressured. And so what? OK let's assume that he comes back, how do you know that this won't happen again, or do you trust a guy like him? " And sometimes I also have these thoughts because at the end of the day, I didn't even ask him to resume our relationship the way it was before. It would be fine even if he tells me that we will discuss it when return but break up for now. I just want him to tell me if there is any chance of being back together or if he has already broke up with me and just doesn't have the courage to tell me. But I guess, since we don't speak and when we speak is only a chit chat dialogue, we technically are not together. But maybe he just doesn't know. But on the other hand, I am saying, to hell, what this supposed to mean? The only thing I would know would be whether to be with someone or not. I mean it is a total different matter to know that you want to be with someone but don't have the emotional power to copy with him at the moment rather than you don't know. How can be someone so uncertain about the only person that was next to him? And then I become angry again lol. well since someone doesn't know, doesn't this mean that you are not very important to him? I said to myself. But they I justify him again by saying, ok you were only together for a few months. Maybe he wasn't certain to begin with

Oh KayC, I hope you arranged things and I am sorry to hear about your accident. at least you are ok and that is what count. I agree with you, about the guy, it is selfish to believe that the other will wait (I think it was something like 7 months after their break up that he contacted her) but I just wanted to share this post in order t see what the griever's side might thinking. Plum, the thing with this situations is that you never know how much they gonna endure, that is why in the end they tell you to go or we let it go. My guy has been now on the 3rd month. (OK he was ok for 3 weeks but then it is 2 months who is like that).

yup. But since we cannot imagine being with another at that time, let's just stick to it. lol I mean yup if this continue on endlessly, in the end we will be the ones that we will leave, because as KayC has already mentioned, the well dries up by only giving after a while. It happens to me some days. I wake up very optimist and then think something and become pesimist again. Just arrange your holidays like he wasn't there. I know it is tough, but I also did the same, since we were supposed to plan our summer holidays in our country together. But since he wasn't sure whether I return for holidays or not, I stayed here and arranged my time here.

Well I also did a search thourh the male cases (I didn't include mine, Helena and Plum's because they are still "running") and what I saw was that from the 12 cases 2 were a definite no return (1 cut contact and 2nd found another girl) 3 were unknown since the girls didn't make any updates 1 was successful (he resumed the relationship) 5 returned either as friends or at least girls keep on contacting them (although 2 of them returned but they were the players type, but this is a matter of character) So statistically there might be hope for us. lol (on a positive mode today)

Well the problem is that all these days I was on a job leave and maybe I devoted all my energy to it. I believe that when I return to my job it would be better for me, since I will have other things to handle too and then it might be easier for me to go with the flow. And yes it is the same with me. I sometimes am positive and say: no when I will return to my country he will feel better. He will see how patient I was and that I am the one that he should be with. And next day I am: to hell, nothing is going to happen. He won't return to me. Just leave it. lol. we are all on the same boat at the end of the day. haha

Plum your post was very helpfull for me although I don't know if that is the case. My bf kept always telling me that I supported him when his mother was ill etc but I am a rather apathetic person when it comes to feelings, like these. I am more of a cheerful person and when someone is feeling sad I don't know what to do and don't know what to say. I kind of feel that I cannot provide any help and just stay there and listen to others and don't know what to say. And I had told him all my "problems" about it. That I sometimes feel that I am inadequate of supporting him ( I told them my thoughts about these before the death). So maybe he now thinks that this would be very difficult for me to handle since I luck this ability, so he might prefer not to put this burden to me. OK this is just a theory but I have never thought of it until I read your post.

Yeah Plum. My bf also told me the same (also he regard his grief as boredom). But he told that the first weeks he was ok and actually seemed surprised on how good he was. But then three weeks after he went to his "cave" and start to be boring of everything. I think that he doesn't know that he is been going through grief, and sometmes I wonder, should I propose him a book or something (about grief)? Or will he find this ironic? I also repost for another site, something a person wrote (it is from the griever's side) who broke up his girl and then return but the girl was not there for him anymore. Just to see what the "other side" might thinking "I don’t know how I found this place, maybe it just found me? But I have read through every post in this thread and it hits home hard what has happened to me. Today would have been my mum’s birthday. She was diagnosed with breast cancer almost a year ago, suddenly my world crumbled and I was scared of losing her but I thought that she would get better, after a month in hospital she was released for enough time to enjoy her last Christmas. In January she was moved to a hospice and lost her battle so suddenly. My girlfriend stood by me the whole time, she was close to my mum and she helped me through. The funeral was in February and I felt myself changing and my focus was not on my relationship anymore. In March I took my girlfriend on holiday to try to escape from my feelings and as soon as we arrived back I got ill and developed psoriasis on my body. I had alot to come to terms with, I felt physically ugly, needy and not worthy of my girlfriend. I lost focus on the relationship and I thought that she would do better without me as I was now a broken man and not the person that she met. I ended it about a month later and my only thought was “if you love somebody set them free – if they come back then it is yours forever” – I prayed that she would come back. I bought a house and I moved out of her flat where I was living and I concentrated on myself – It was almost like I was an island and I built a wall around me and pushed everyone away who reminded me of old times, including my dad who I stopped speaking to. I felt that I didn’t deserve them. I concentrated on my work and renovating the house but the entire time in my mind I was renovating the house as a family home for my girlfriend and her daughter and my sons – the children were from previous relationships. I didn’t hear from her, the months passed and I got better, the psoriasis cleared and I spent time in the gym and slowly started feeling my old self again and I was ready to tell her. Two weeks ago I tried to call – but she had changed her number. So I sent an email trying to explain - and there was no reply. I panicked and sent some flowers with a note asking her to call me. She did call in tears saying that her boyfriend had seen the flowers and it had caused rows. She then sent a text saying that she couldn’t believe it had taken me so long to realise what she meant to me and that she was in a strong relationship now. I sent another email a few days later to apologise for sending the flowers but my only regret was not sending them sooner I also told her that it hurts that she is not speaking to me after what we went through. But now she won’t reply. I just want her to know that she is the most important person in the world to me and that I never stopped loving her or thinking of her for one single second. But now she will never know it. I want her to know that there is a home here for her and her daughter and I want to have a family with her and make the commitment that she wanted me to before – we regularly looked at rings. But now she will never know it. If I had a time machine I would jump into it right now. I am trying to explain this from the side of someone who ended their relationship after losing a parent, and no other reason, but to be honest I still can’t explain what happened – I now know that I was depressed and I guess it’s an instinct to push people away when you are ill. I’m not going to defend anyone’s actions, least of all mine,- but it is slightly different when someone ends a healthy relationship to grieve – There was no grass is greener and nobody else involved. I am writing this so it is here forever, maybe one day she will find this place or maybe it will find her? "

Yeah! I would find it very childish if he already have decided of ending it once and for all and doesn't have the guts to tell me. But of course, it might be selfish, but this is how his situation is.

I agree Helena. The worst thing is that we don't know. How great it would be to know that he found another or that he just wants to spit on our faces. Or that this is the end and I don't want to have contact anymore. But this Scotish shower is very stressful. It is the first time since highschool that I found myself in such a situation. I usualy don't care because I know the reasons or I think I deserve more. But when it comes to grief, I realize that it is noone faults and this hurt me most. It would be really easier for me just to know that I made a mistake than no I was the perfect one. But this is how it is going. KayC your dog is very handsome. How old is he? And yes you are right about the age problems. So find a younger one

My bf contacted me yesterday through facebook chat. Not a real dialog, more or less like how are you and stuff like that and then I am now back again to square one of wondering. These days without contact I had came to the conclusion that he had made a decision of ending up our relationship and just put me in distance in order to understand it. But even if this dialogue was cold, he wasn't forced to initiate it. I wouldn't. So I wonder why he still keeps a little contact with me. But what I really fail to understand is why he became so distant after his trip here. OK he was kind of distant before he came but he was more heartfelt. The moment he returned to our country, his first text was on this friendly-cold level. And to think that we almost didn't talk about our relationship and stuff. I think that I was clear the last time we spoke over the phone that if he cannot wait for me to return until November and he wants to end it I totally understand him and I won't push things, but at the same time I told him that he is distant after the trip or maybe I am overthinking things and he told me don't overthink it. Do you have any explanation about his actions? Of course not "logically" but on the "grievly" level.

wow! That's some statistics u got there KayC. And I thought it was mostly gender-related! Well next step would be to count those who returned. But well I guess in some cases people may never updated again the thread because either the person didn't return or maybe if the griever return, they would have eventually kept on with their lives and didn't bother to make an update

Oh yes I leave it open too 24h but he wasn't that type. He always logged out of MSN or other social networks and left his PC. This new 24h routine started with his grief. But since he cannot be there 24h, I guess he doesn't even bother to turn it off.

yes but usually the cases are guys that "left" girls and not the opposite, but of course there are exceptions. For example, a lot of people tell me that I usually think as a guy, so yes there isn't a general rule. But the canon is that women are multitaskers while men one-tasker As for the countries for me unfrtunatelly it isn't like that yet. I came to another country to work until November. So for one year and some months. And as I already stated I met my boyfriend a while before I left my country. So all these time I only thought of this country as a temporary basis and never thought of staying here or doing dreams of staying here. I didn't even tried to get new friends (although I knew some back from my country) since in my mind the plan was to get back in my country as soon as my job ends. But now I feel like I need to invest more on this country. It is actually the same whether to return or not to my country and the only reason for returning was that guy (since a lot of my friends are not now in my country). So I hope to spend summer by making new plans and the possibilities and advantages that this country can offer me and do what is best for myself

Yes it is true. I consider myself lucky because I found you to give me some piece of advice and to share my thought with people that they are been going through the same. Also, I might be more than lucky in my misfortune, because I found the forum as soon as his mother died and before he start distancing himself. Otherwise I would have never asked the help of my psychologists friends and I would have probably acted as my friends (who hasn't been in a similar situation) advice me: probably leave him without asking anything, tell him that he is an @sshole who never cared about me or my emotions etc. Lucky me I am not a compulsive person, otherwise who knows what would I do. As for you KayC, it might have been better for you psychologically of course to know all these, but in the end, I think you acted with dignity, you didn't push him over something and you respected his decision. So yes it might have been easier for you psychologically, but the outcome I think would have been the same PS: I also think that time have stopped for them in a way and that they just do things in order for the day to finish and keep on with the next day etc. For instance, I can see my bf is 24h in MSN. He probably doesn't even has the courage to turn off the computer. Mutual friends also told me that he still has our picture for wallpaper in his mobile phone. I think that he doesn't even have the courage to change it although technically we are not a couple anymore

It is true. You cannot base your happiness on external factors. And here is not just his will or something but a real external factors. Even if you asked them before the death, I am pretty sure that they wouldn't have waiting to react like that. I remember that a part of my bf wanted his mother to die because she was suffering and he was saying that he will feel relieved if he does. But now, he cannot do anything rather than going out with his friends. He abandoned me, his hobbies and his work. And he was the one who was saying that he is pretty tough and he had used to tough situations! I was the one who had second thought about the Long Distance Relationship and he was the one saying that he loved me so much and if we want to be together time and space don't matter. And he would do nothing to jurt me. So you never know yourself how you will react until you caught up to the situation. But here you only have 2 choices: 1. be there and wait patiently and suffering and in the end you might have waited for nothing. Not to mention that this might take years 2. Let it go and suffering in the begining but feel better in the end Whatever you choose is up to you and nothing guarantees results. I mean I know that the second one might sound cruel or that you cannot think about it, (I am on the same situation) but in the end, he might return and you might be there willingful to give him a second chance

Plum I am so sorry, I wasn't online either last night. But at least you got an answer.It is the same for me. OK I know this isn't very reassuring, but at least all of us have been in your shoes and when we say I know how it feels, at least we know. I got the same thought last night when a mutual friend told me that my bf called him to go out. I was like that because when my bf couldn't meet his friends because of his mom illness everyone was out and having fun, while I was the only one who went there and keep him company. i was the only one who really care on what is been going through and I was the first person that he contacted to tell me the news. And in the end he rejected me like that. By treating me like I was a person that he just met. And although my psychologists friends keep telling me that he doesn't have the emotional energy to think of anything else and he acts as he feels and that he doesn't need to have this energy to just go out, sometimes I really forget it. I kind of understand i, because now I feel at a loss, but when I am with my friends or at work, I somehow manage to forget a litle about my sadness. But I don't have the energy on dealing with other stuffs that need my emotional energy. So I imagine being in his shoes and to know that a person that I really loved would not be in my life anymore (OK as I told I didn't grieved for my mother but relationships play an important role). But I don't know, I think that if he still contacts you, in the future he might eventually return to you. And I also believe the same with Helena. As for KayC I really believe that Jim is there but too afraid to ask you anything since he knows that he broke your heart. I think that if they didn't want they would have already cut contact. At least that is what I have seen in the most "unsuccesful" cases. Of course that is just my guessing and I am not a medium or something. I hope everything turn out well PS: at least your boyfriend gave you an explanation that he can help the rest of us

Well yeah in some cases it is like that. It depends. In my opinion I strongly believe that if they really loved us that much they wouldn't push us away. But this is my opinion. My psychologists friends tell me that this is not always they case, but they have energy for nothing. I have also read a case where the guy broke up with the girl for grieving reasons and when he came back she was with another guy. Yes he might reevaluating his life, his purpose or thinking about it. In my case, although we had a happy relationship, if he evaluated in a long terms then maybe he decides that I am not the right girl for him, since I don' t want to have family in the near future and he wants. But on the other hand, is not that there is a girl that wants to marry him right now so I really don't know. What also my psychologists friends tell me (they have encountered a lot of grieving cases) is that every person grieves differentely. OK the patterns on our cases are similar, but the grieving process is different for anyone. So someone during his grieving process might think of change his entire life, others choose to evaluate their friendships or others they don't have energy to do nothing. It is not that if one did that all the others will do the same. I also read a case when someone couldn't keep on because the girl reminded him of his mother. Others might seek a girl who remings them of their mother. I really don't know and since they don't tell us, we cannot "negotiate" everything. On the one hand I am happy since I only met his mother when she was terminally ill, so there are not a lot of memories including me and his mother, but maybe he had made a link to his head with this situation and me. Maybe in the future he might make a situation with his grieving and me. Well, whenever I think all the aspects I say: Oh I am totally lost here, but time will show In your case to be honest, I think he isn't so certain. On the one hand he wants to be with you and miss you, but on the other he finds it difficult to devote energy to you.

Well the fun thing is that it is usually difficult to do this out of purpose. But when you stop having interest, then you can do all these spontaneously. And for some reason then, they really do work. But, then you don't need them. All the times in the past that I tried to do these out of purpose I was just wasting my patience. And then when I said, to hell, I really don't care anymore, all these were coming out so natural and they had 95% success (without exaggeration). But I agree that not all of them are appropriate for grievers. What my experience teached me (of course I haven't your experience KayC) is that men might go out will silly and kind of light hearted girls, but the woman who will choose, at least the men who have brains, want her to be intependent and not a crybaby. A woman who can nurture him but also can be very well by herself.

yes Plum. It is also mentioned in the book: "men are from mars women are from venus" that usually men want to copy stress themselves, but to be honest I don't know a lot of greiving men personally that distant their girlfriends. So to me, this is somthing completely new that I learn through this forum and by personal experience. Well for me what I believe is that even if he decide not to be with me at the very end, he cares for me. Although we had a short term relationship and mostly long distance, I don't think he didn't meant what he was saying and doing. I also believe that if we were together in the same country things might have been different. He might have not the chance to distant himself while now has a lot of time to think about it. But I think that in the very end the outcome would be the same. I mean that if he now decides that he doesn't want to be in a r/s, he would have decided the same even if I were there but maybe with a time delay. But then it might be worse for both of us. when I hear all my friends say that he doesn't want you, he doesn't care for you, he probably have found another girl, call me idiot, but I don't believe that is the case. If he doesn't have the ammount of energy to deal with me, I don't believe he will find it to put an effort in a new r/s and he is not the one night stand guy. The only thing that I am afraid is that maybe when he decide to come out of his cage, he will meet another girl at this transitional stage and choose her. But when I hear all these friends of mine and see them unable to comprehend his grief, I become optimist and say: well if it was for another girl she would have already dump him. I didn't. So if he cannot see what a perfect girl for him I was, then he is the one that lost