Pollara

Hey guys! I just pass to say hi to everyone and especially to KayC! Still here, still helping! My situation nowadays is that I found a job in the other country and I decided to stay! I am currently dating a guy but it is not something serious from both sides. But we are getting along fine and that is what it matters. As for my ex, we are still in touch and I actually met him in person during my Christmas Holidays. The summer he sent me a text says that he missed me. Luckily I didn't take it seriously, since when I saw him, when we were all together he was looking perfectly fine and treated me like we are good friends and nothing happened between us in the past, but at the same time, he suggested to go out just the two of us to catch up on each other news, but never actually made a move. Depresion still holds well.

Hello to all, as you probably know I am one of you. I am here just to give you a piece of advice (to the ones that come here wondering what to do if their S.O becomes distant after a death) My story in a nutshell: -Met my (at that time) boyfriend -Start a long distance relationship -His mom died, he got into depression -He broke up with me almost 3 months after the death -I tried to contact him with no luck -He contacts me 6 months after the break up to thank me and to tell me that we can never be back again because I remind him of his grief and deleted me from his chat. -Almost one year after all these events he contacts me again at a friendly level. We are just having a friendly level connection. Very typical. Like having a chat every 3 weeks or so. What my story tought me: unfortunately for some reason, some people after their death of a beloved person they might fall into depression. Of course, it is natural if someone wants some time in the beginning, but if this keeps on for more than 2 months, what my observations and experience tought me, is that he has taken the route to depression and better leave him/her alone. I know that this might be too hard for you (of course, I 've been there). This apply to all kind of relationships unless you are married. Otherwise, either you have a lot of years of relationship, or just some months, or you are engaged, this is still possible. But, believe me, the sooner you let it go, the better it is for you. Of course, there are even some exceptions, but, it is better not to hope that you will be an exception because you are losing your time and time is precious and never comes back. At the end of the day, you will look that and see that it didn't deserve the time. I know that my words might sound harsh and maybe even cruel, but that is reality. If you let it go, it is a win-win situation. If s/he doesn't come back, you will still be happy with someone else out there or even by yourself. If s/he comes back and you are single then, you can try again if you still have faith. I know that the most difficult part is also to let go because you cannot imagine yourself with someone else and you find this so unfair. And yes it is unfair. But life is unfair anyway. You are afraid that you will let it go and s/he might return. Even if that is the case, you will still be happy! When I really decided to let it go, things became easier for me. Even now that we are speaking once in a while, I am happy because I know he is doing fine, but I really cannot see us again together. I am sorry if I cannot guarantee you that someone will return or give a happy ending advice, but be realists is what counts at the end of the day. I am wishing you the best. Thanks everyone who comforted me and helped me this year. It was a great help. Special thanks to KayC, Helena, Plum, Guilthunted and DLM that heard me and gave me their advice.

I agree with Kay. Stop concerning yourself over her whereabouts. The more you do that, the more you end up hurting yourself. It has been a while now. If she changes in the future then you will deal with it. Just let it go for your own good

Hi Topz. I am wishing you the best. I can say to you that you made the right decision. And this takes courage really. I couldn't do it myself. But you do deserve something better. Let's say it was a bad timing for you.

Yes but on the other hand, isn't the fact that she said that "she will never find her soulmate" that she doesn't regard you as her soulmate either? And anyway, this woman seems confused anyway and she cannot appreciate the ones who are next to her. Moreover, since she has someone, it is not the grief her problem that she is not with you.

Oh that's great news Helena!! I am wishing you your best with your new boyfriend. Oh and of course, not all people turn out like that and treat their significant other like that, but some do. It's a cruel world after all for all. But anyway, I am very glad that I am reading this from you! Thanks for everything and be happy

It is true. I cannot help it but believing that even if I am happy with another guy at the future, I will always thinking of this like a repressed or unsatisfied desire. What would have happened if this hadn't happened, or if we had met afterwords etc. I hope this won't be the case. Well I saw a guy that wrote after two years or so, that his ex is pregrant by someone else and that he was dating a new girl.

Hi GuiltHaunted! Unfortunately I just saw this message. I am wishing you happy new year, if you see it and hope you all the best. I am pretty sure that out there, there is a girl who is more suitable for you and you will be a better match! I am really sorry that things didn't turn out the way you wished, but take it as a bless in disguise. That a girl who runs to her sister's ex with the first difficulty, she doesn't deserve to be with you. Unfortunately a lot of girls are acting like that, keep contact with their exes, ignoring the fact that they might make them think different things. On the other hand, I am really happy that you let it go! And yes, our stories seem to happen parallel! I am wishing you all the best. Thanks for your advices and have a lot of happy trips

Hi nettieboop! I am really sorry for all what you 've been going through and when I will say it I totally mean it, as I have been in your place. Unfortunately, my story didn't ended up well. We didn't even manage to keep it on a friendly level, as I remind him his grieving period. In any case, I don't have anything else to suggest rather than giving him space, but please don't wait on him. If it is to come back, he will. From February till September I spent all my days in forums, trying to find stories where the grieving person returned to his/her significant other. I tried to learn more about grief, about depression etc. I now regret for all this time I spent, but of course, I couldn't let it go. Deep in my subconscious I wanted my story to had different ending (as everyone here I guess wished for that). It didn't and that is why I am telling you not to hold your hopes on to it. I know that you are thinking that what if he comes back and I am with someone else etc, you will have won anyway if this is the case. So my advice is giving him space and try to do something else and forget him.

Thank you KayC. For me the only difficult part is that I cannot trust anymore. I really spent so much effort and energy on it, that I can only think of him as something nostalgic. I will always think of course what if things had turn differentely but they didn't. It's ok. I am really doing better and comparing to so many months ago I am almost healed. It just striked me sometimes why things turned out this way and now we cannot even be friends. Well, some friends told me that maybe after a lot of time (probably years) we might become friends since the inceident won't be fresh anymore. Well noone knows the future of course, but I got my lesson from the present

Thanks Mary for your consoling words. Well for me it was difficult back then but not any more. Since he told me that we cannot be together although we are a perfect match I don't see any point of talking about the past. It hurts me and maybe it hurs him as well. So this was the rational solution from my viewpoint

ahhahah. sorry that I am laughing, but this is what I have tell a lot of times to my friends. Because it is true that you usually learn things from every relationship no matter how bad it is. So when someone was telling me this I was saying, yeah I learnt, better to go after guys who do not have parents

Yes so true. So difficult to trust again. I answered my ex few days after that I thanked him for his appreciation but at the same time this doesn't help anything since we cannot be again together. So let's leave the past behind. He said ok, he thanked me, send me kisses and then deleted me for everywhere (Facebook, chat etc). I wonder, is this his way of leaving the past behind?

Hi guys. After almost 6 months of breaking up and one year almost after we started dating my ex rememebered me. He told me that he wanted to thank me and I was the perfect girl for him and I made him really happy and he doesn't believe that he will ever be happier with another girl, but at the same time he cannot be with me cause I remind him of his dark times. So I told him it's ok. Big passions don't last anyway and he told me: no for me it will last forever. Go figure. It was so strange because I didn't even want to refer to our relationship but he was keeping on refering on it. Anyway, my point is that even if they go out of their grief, sometimes they make a bad connection with us and their grief.

GuiltHaunted, on the one hand it is nice that you resumed contact with your ex and she is kind to you and all these stuff. But, to me it seems that you still hold your hopes on and the more you hold your hopes on, the most difficult it is to move on. Yes maybe she will come back, maybe not. Usually girls don't have any problem on being in friendly terms with their exes. I am not against talking, of course, but if I were in your shoes, I will just wouldn't think it as more than a communication. Because imagine after a year (it is already so many months afterwards) and she announces you that she is getting married the guy she is now, you will feel worse. But in any case, as you said, I am always here for thinking the worse case scenario. But since you already know that she is with another guy, who by general admitance, he is not a douche, then things are worse. And think that she was the one who break up with you. Maybe you should have told her that you actually dating someone, to see her reactions

Woah KayC, so Jim admitted but of course, he didnt do anything about it. Maybe the admission was the best he could do, taking his aspenger into account. Arbitrator, Miley Cyrus didn΄t actually admit anything. A magazine wrote that, and she even mocked the fact on her twitter page http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2487499/Miley-Cyrus-mocks-new-magazine-cover-making-profile-picture-Twitter.html But in any case, regarding your ex friend, the more you read about her twitter and fb etc the more you cannot move on. I blocked all my common friends on FB, change my skype account and stop learning about him and his news. It was difficult in the begining. But now I really feel better and I believe I finally left him behind. And no, there wasn't any other guy to date. But I don't care about this stuff. The more you care for finding someone to replace the ex, the more it doesn't come. You just need sheer determination. And you know, if you keep on like that, there won't be any future anyway because she will have a bad impression of you and you for her

No it is not like that. I have moved on a lot of times in my life without having someone in the between. Maybe it is easier if you find someone or a rebound relationship, but I don't believe that someone else is necessarily needed. See KayC for instance, she is not dating anyone and I believe that even if she didn't talk with Jim, she would have moved on anyway.

yeah it leads to obsession sometimes. I have read an article which was saying that a break up is almost as addictive as heroine so it is difficult to stop the obsession. Any way, I mean, why don't you try to move without having anyone at all. no friends with benefits or whatever

Happy birthday Plum! Well it's indeed up to you to decide whether you want contact with him or not and what do you feel about him and your new boyfriend. It will certainly make things complicated, but decide what you want!

I hope she will come soon then Well what I am saying is something that I do it myself so I know. I am not the one to talk, but at least I am better at advising others than my self. Whoever I meet, I find a "minus" in order not to move to a next level with him. For instance, no he is not as handsome as my ex was, or he doesn't dance as my ex was doing and other irational things that I know that I am doing it subconsiously to try to find excuses. But I am also like that because it is difficult to trust again someone. But, why don't you try to move on without having necessarily someone? I know it is lot easier when there is someone thought

it is good that you communicate on the one hand, but on the other hand, you must always be prepared that you might not get her back. I don't know how you even find the courage to try to win someone who is with another guy, no matter the circumstances. On the one hand it is admirable but on the other, it has the great risk to go back at point zero if she doesn't intend on leaving this guy. The fact that she answers you doesn't necessarily means that she sees you in the same way you see her. And usually women are the ones who want to keep the friendship between exes

What I understood was that this are just assumptions from friends (correct me if I am wrong and not the actual case). My opinion is that someone who has no energy, doesn't have no energy for anyone else. If s/he has, even if the other relationship is different or easier, then it is a diffrent case. It is the case that they prefered someone else for their grief and not us. To me things are simpler, epsecially after so many months. I gave a lot of excuses and made many assumptions. But not things are too clear for me. And as already mentioned by guilthunted, even if it is only grief related, noone guarantee that they will come back. In fact it is the opposite, but I guess everyone wants to hope that their case is different. I don't know arbitrator, but there were cases here where the other one have energy for someone else. To me you don't seem ready to move on. You try to stick to a hope that she is telling lies at you and that she is not with someone else and she will be back at some point in the future. But in any case, even if she doesn't have a boyfriend, which seriously, I dont see any reason of telling you lies about that but anyway, even if this is the case, this has already taken her a lot of time and it seems that it will take more. what are you going to do?wait for her eternally? and then realize that you were waiting for nothing? And she indeed had a boyfriend? Why don't you just start with the basics? You say that she wasn't exactly your girlfriend to begin with. If she couldn't be your girlfriend when she had the energy and she didn't grief, what makes you believe that she will do it now? The fact that you were such perfect with her, doesn't mean that she will appreciate it. Life is hard

But your case is slightly different, since your ex seems to have energy for an other person. My thought exactly. My first bachelor was in psychology some years ago. I was even thinking of taking a master in psychology in order to do a master thesis regarding to it. But, it will be difficult to find the persons themselves since they cannot put any effort to anything. Maybe from counselors or psychologists.

yeah it seems for some reason that when you are searching you usually don't find or you usually tend to reject people comparing them to your exes. And when you abandon this idea of finding someone then s/he pops ups! And some times, like a murphy's law, old loves that you have cried your eyes out over them, return when you have already moved on and then you don' t care anymore. That is why they saying timing is a bitch! I know it is easier said than done

Well I can tell you an example then, my previous ex boyfriend, I am convinced that he has Schizoid personality disorder. (Of course this is something that I tell). This is a personality dissorder that is characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, and apathy. This made him not to care about relationships. But he was with me almost 6 years. What I am saying here is that although the majority of the girls cannot stand him, I didn't care about that. So there is a girl who can stand him. So you keep on saying about your girlfriend and her personality disorder and that she needs to solve this before she comes back to you etc. First of all, to me it doesn't seem that she will come back to you in the way you want (as a friend yes why not), secondly, if she doesn't want to change her problems, no matter what you want it doesn't matter since she managed to survive all these year with this. Secondly, other boyfriends might not have problems with her disorder. Also, narcissistic personaliy dissorder is a dissorder. But in any case, as my psychologists friends mention, for every person there is a diagnosis. So even if someone thinks of himself as perfectly fine, if they go to psychologist they will be diagnosed with a disorder. And to me it seems that you have some problems with your self esteem, because I sincerely believe that if this girl returns back to you even without solving her "problems" first you will fly to her.I believe you deserve better than a girl who thinks you are a toy, but since you are not able to see that, then good luck on waiting.