Pollara

Well I only had happy memories but I don't know if this can apply to my case. It is very easy to forget a relationship that it was only two months when the incident happened. On the other hand, since we hadn't any arguments etc it is easier to start things from the scratch. Or at least this is what I believe. But I guess my case is kind of lost comparing to you all with the long term relationships. KayC I think that my guy won't be like that when his father will pass out because he grew up with his mother and I have the feeling that for some reason he blames him for the cancer (because it first appeared when his parents got divorce).But still he has good relationship with their father but I doubt he will feel the same. On the other hand, I was thinking KayC about the trust matter, and maybe it is like that because it is the first time that they have been through this grief journey. Imagine that my guy thinks that he might be like that for the rest of his life. I believe that if something like that comes again, they will not push us away because they will know that these are all related to grief. It is not that they stopped loved us or whatever. Well maybe I am extra optimist but this is an explanation that I can give. They might be distant again but not questioning the relationship

I totally understand you. If my guy returns I will be able to forgive him since we were together only for 2 months before the incident and even when his depression took him over he didn't break up with me instantly. Also, I sometimes consider myself as guilty because I was the one that left country and also I wasn't able to go to the funeral or earlier before his depression starts and when he told me that he misses me. Probably all these are excuses and even if we were a lot of time together and even if I were there things would have taken the same route. But yes, it is the fact that I don't want to make a family and the fact that we weren't time together. I mean, I believe that he was in love with me and stuff but how much can you in love with someone that you were together only for 2 months. And also, it takes much more emotional energy to keep on a relationship that has just started. I probably could not forgive him if he had done this to me to a relationship of 2 years (not to mention 6). So yes I totally understand you

But Plum, (don't misunderstood my tone bellow, I say this in a kind way, but sometimes written texts are easy to misunderstood since you cannot see me) weren't you the one that told him to put a pause in order for him not to feel pressured? Did you expect him to change his attitude in one month? Of course this would be ideal, but in most of the cases it takes months not to say years. And it is the same for me, although it is one month that my bf is distant, seems like an eternity to me. But on your case, on the one hand you tell him not rush things and put a pause in order for him not to feel pressure and then after a week you ask him if he made any decisions or what does he think about your relationship. Isn't this a little contradictory? OK I know that since you are a lot of years together-unlike me- you have other kind of familiarity with him and he seems that he cares about you, but in my opinion since he doesn't know what he feels and he is confused, I guess that if you don't make patience in the end he will say something among those lines: "I understand that you cannot wait and I don't want you to wait. But I really don't know what I feel and I am really confused. But I want you to be happy. So let's break up because I feel that I cannot make you happy as I am and I cannot delay you on your life"

Yeah don't mind be single either than just rushing to the first guy that I will find because I will be in a weak eotionally stage condition. What I wonder though is that my bf's attitude over me it becomes more and more distant. I mean in the begining he was normal, then started to talk me once in 3 days and not a lot stuff but still ok, then he came here and returned more distant than ever. So if I say that his feelings towards me, reflects his state of grief, Isn't his grief supposed to deteriorating over time?Or it goes like normal, taking an up (to the worse I mean) and then starts slowing down?

It is like that KayC. And maybe in the end, I will be the one that says: I am bored of waiting let it go. But I am not a person who only thinks of love. Some people might reckognise this as a waste of time since I could have been with someone else. But even if I broke up now, I am not the person who jumps from the one relationship to other. So maybe even if I don't give him this chance of deciding then, I will still be single. OK I know that I will have hopes. But I have other interests and I will focus on them.

Well Plum it is true that I am patient. I didn't always had this "ability" but I think through years I realized that some things can only be gained through patience. Of course I would like to know tomorrow or even today, but since this is not realistic, I think that the only way I could come out as a "winner" is by delaying his decision for the right time. Of course you never know the outcome, but I am sure that if he tries to think now he will break up with me for good since he doesn't have energy and doesn't know why. He will think that his boredom and luck of energy will stay forever and so he will let it go. By waiting and not pushing him, I think that I can gain at least a decision in a better state of mind than the one that he is now. Of course I am taking the risk to just reject me in the end, but you never know for any relationship how it will end up. I am engaged to just another uncertain situation Sometimes I wonder, would our guys will waiting patiently like us if something similar had happened to us?

Oh mine doesn't replies either. lol. Or to be more specific he would replied when he feels like it or come the next day with an excuse. So in the end what I did was to say him, I don't want to be a burden at you with my messages and texts so contact me whenever you feel like it. It's not like I am not thinking at you or anything but I don't want to be burden so contact me whenever you want. And then I never initialized the contact. And since then he is coming with his strange messages every once in a while. Maybe you should do the same Helena if he answers in some days. If not, then just don't contact him again. I know it is difficult, but I think that you show your interest by contacting him. Why to do it again? Well at least that is my opinion. And in their mind even an sms could be translated to pressure. But he wanted you to wait, as it seemed from his letter. Plum yes he replied like that because it is the most rational thing to do and because i think he cares about you and it is not that he stoped loving you. But he just doesn't have it in him to be engaged in a relationship. I really cannot understand it myself how this happens, I mean to only have energy for your friends but it seems that it happens.

Yes he told me that he recognize that his behavior towards me is awful, but he would never do such a thing like breaking up with me and not letting me know or do things in order to understand it. Luckily he didn't change that part of his character. Well let's see Kayc. For me the better is to wait until I return and them make his decision. Whatever he decides right now it might be wrong even if it is possitive for me since he cannot think with a clear mind and I would rather wait rather than rush things over and lead him to a wrong decision.

Well i somehow went online to msn (I was actually in the outlook area) and then my boyfriend poped up and asked me why I am not in the msn the last days (yes after 2 weeks of no contact) and I told him I was busy (of course he didn't bother to contact me on my home or mobile). And then he asked me when I am returing to work, I told him, I asked him what he did these days and he told me nothing special (as usual) And I asked him: have you already broke up with me and I don't get the hints? And he told me no I haven't but I actually don't have any energy at all and I am thinking of what to do and I wouldn't break up with you in such a cowardish way. Bit I really don't know. And then I told him ok this is natural and don't overthink it. Just let things go. We can think over it better as soon as I will return in November. Until then, there is a reasonable ammount of time that you can take and think of things. Well it seems its the same with you ladies. At least he will tell me when he will break up with me. lol

Helena fo me is exacty as Kayc says. Yes I prefer to listen an answer that I don't like (that he had already break up with me) rather than having the slightiest hopes that he is still thinking of it. I mean the best case scenario it is to tell me that he is still confused doesn't know etc. OK it is not the best but it is ok. But if he had already decided on breeaking up with me and just gives me hints then I won' wondering and I will keep on.

Well but do you think I should ask him straight the next time we will speak. Something like I thought that your behavior is related to ur grief etc but lately I have started to wonder, did you make up your mind on breaking up with me and you don't have the courage to tell me and leave me got the hints? Or something like that? Will be this too pushy? Since I ve never mentioned anything on him taking any decisions or nothing

Well Plum it is the same with me. When we talked I was always asking things and actually didn't got any reply. It was like he was starting a dialogue with the purpose of finishing it. Like -Hi Polla how are you? -Fine how are you?How do you spend your days? -Nothing special, how is your work going? -It is going good (details about my work) what about you -nothing special. I am leaving now I thought that he just didn't want to talk to me and I was wondering why he keeps talking to me and initiate a converstation since he doesn't wants to tell me anything -I mean about his days etc- and always says nothing special but I always learn from our common friends that he was out etc. And he usually mentioned me this things. Not like it is a big deal or that I am jealous over it, but why saying nothing special or no news when you actually got something to say? Before he would tell me almost everything about his day. I felt like I was an unknown person to him that he wanted to get rid of me by no talking. But since he was the one that he initiated the dialogue. Well so confusing. I feel so lucky that I have you girls and at least make some decoding all together since we have similar situations. And it is true. if I had returned to my country I would have already broken up with him if it was like that in person. But maybe in person he was different

Well the problem with me is that I don't trust people easy. In fact I don't trust anyone 100%. Let's say the best I can trust somebody is at about 70%. Now my trust level will fell to 0

Well I think you should just ask him. I did the same and in the end I got an I don't know which was closer to NO. But before I asked him straight he said yes of course you can come etc. Same goes with Plum when she asked him about going to his birthday. And to even think that his country is also my country so I wouldn't make a sacrifice. I just moved my summer vacation. So just ask him in a simple and not pushing way: do you want to move there or do you think we should postpone this for later? We all understood that Plum did this out of interest but these guys on their grieve don't always get the right intent. Mine would probably get mad and told me something among these lines: and who do you think you are?you became a psychologist now? Do you know how I feel better than me? or something like that. I.e my boyfriend always had a sense of humor but when I met him even my jokes who used to laugh on them, annoyed him.

yeah or they might think, well you are right, I cannot ask you to wait. You should move on and keep on with your life because I don't know when this is going to over. And probably since they don't go to a counselor they might think that it is not going to over (or end anytime soon). It is natural when you are depressed to think that way and that time don't pass. yeah your bf's words reminded me of mines. all of them seem to have a similar pattern. lol. "I don't care about anything. I am just partying with my friends". But I was thinking today, isn't the way that someone grieves indicative of someones character? I mean I know a lot of grieving persons that they didn't ditch their significant others and they weren't that selfish. OK I know that grieving is a self centered act, but not at this extent. I was thinking doesn't this indicate that my bf is just a selfish and weakling man? OK I know that this is out of his character, but what if this is his true character and all the other that anyone knew for years and his previous actions were just an "acting"? Shouldn't I pay attention to it? I wonder, ok let' s suppose he is coming back, how do I know that this thing is not going to happen again? Can I really trust this guy who was repeatidly mentioning that he would never hurt me? For me there are two of his actions that I don't know if I can ever forgive totally, the one that he came here to test his feelings and totally ignoring mine and the second, that he didn't have the courage to tell me to break up and let me find it out by myself, like I was the first random girl he met.

Well what you read is kind of true, but if you know what you are doing and you have realistic expectations you won't end up like that. For instance, your boyfriend told you not to go there for his bday party. You didn't. If you had gone you probably end up in this way. I agree that the girls should not make themselves available and ready to sacrifice everything. Was it a good idea that you send him the book? I think that if I do something like that he will get mad and he will think that I am making some kind of irony at him

well it is good that you had contact but I don't think so that is what happens. I think they only thinking about themselves at that time. OK They might have some thought of that kind but I doubt they care. Yeah I know it sounds harsh, but I think they cannot focus on anything else rather than their grief. I doubt that normal relationship "rules" apply to them at that time

Well Plum, what I meant was that even if you were willing to sacrifice everything (he knows that you will sacrifice things in order to be there) it will be a pressure to begin with. Because he knows that you will do that for him. And since he in this kind of situation I don't think he would have want this. I mean, if I was in a very difficult situation, I wouldnt want someone else to sacrifice things just from me, because then I would have responsibility over him and it would be difficult to break up later (supposed I wanted something like that) because I would always think that: oh this guy sacrificed everything for me. These kinds of decisions are very difficult to take to begin with. Imagine in a grieving case (Sorry for my english)

Well I am thinking the same Plum but I don't think that he has decided (your boyfriend). Mine has totally decided. Well breaking up by FedeX is a coaward way, but not telling it at all is more cowardish

It is the same for me Plum. I also got the feeling that he wants to break up and I don't get the hint so that is why I cut out contact. If he wants he knows where to find me. On the other hand I am thinking that if he was a friend of mine I wouldn't cut contact with him even if he wanted to. So wouldn't it be good to have contact? Like a friend. But I guess in his mind he cannot yet see me as a friend

Well candy I am sorry to hear that another person was added to "our list" but I disagree with your advice to Plum. If she goes and move there he might find that as extra pressure and maybe break up. Think that he didn't want her to be on his birthday. Same goes with my boyfriend when I asked him to return to our country for summer. Although he told me to do what is better for myself, I saw him that he felt better when I announced him that I won't go. Of course if Plum and I were there from the begining maybe things were different. But I have read cases in other forums that the boyfriends at some point end the relationship when the other moved there or after a while because they couldn't handle this extra pressure. Mine doesn't go to a counselor either, but his sister is going so I hope she gives him some advice. But he is a very introvert person when it comes to his feelings about his mother. I don't know if he discuss them with her. But maybe she gives him advice herself even if he doesn't ask her to. I agree KayC. Seeing you once a week is not much of his time but yes he might felt guilty over it. Same goes for my boyfriend. Although he didn't neglected her because I was going to his home when I was there, he might have regrets that she was sleeping in the next room and we were together. But of course, he wouldn't be in the same room with her anyway. Well logic doesn't apply to grief anyway.

Yeah this is what I meant. Well if he comes and explain me why he had sex I can forgive it if it makes sense to me. Of course it isn't something I advertise or suggest to others but I can understand the difference and being in an enviroment with men most of my life I arrived to this conclusion. I also don't see the reason of not being friends with an ex, but most of them wanted us to continue as friends with benefits (except from my last one) and since I din't want something like that, I found it difficult to be friends with them. But if it wasn't for this, I don't see any other reason for not being friends with someone that you were together. At the end of the day it seems to me as a waste of years of my life.

It depends on the reason they broke up Helena. If it wasn't for distance related matters I don't think they will be back together. I am also friend with my ex boyfriend that we were a lot of years together and I can only see him as a friend and nothing more. In fact he gives my advice about my bf and I give him advice when he is with other girls. But I really want him to be happy and I am not jealous of him finding another girl. But, if I return back to my country, maybe his girlfriend thinks something similar to what you thinking. But that is not true at all. But of course each case is different

Well although my inner self tells me that we will be someday again together, I dont think that this is based on the signs that I see, rather on my logic and what I would like to happen. But I cannot wait because my instinct just tells so. I can still accept him if he returns, but I find it funny to wait and in the end having lost years of my life. By no waiting I don't mean that I will date others or something because I don't usually dating and I am very picky on choosing boyfriends. But I won't contact him and do my best to have a nice summer here

Yes most people don't think like that. I agree with it. But I don't have a problem not only with a griever but in general. Of course this isn't something I tell them. lol. But this is what I think if it ever comes to it.