Pollara

Hi ladies! I heard something today that confirmed my theory at least in my case. One common friend found him totally drunk and she asked him why did he break up with me and he told her: "In the beginning I was so in love with her, but then I found her immature". I really cannot understand how can I be immature, that I put aside all my selfishness in order to make him feel better, but what I can understand is that in my case it wasn't grieving alone the problem. I wonder what did he wait all these months and didn't tell me anything? To become more mature? Anyway, I found him in chat and I told him that I think the reason he broke up with me wasn' t because he didn't want me to wait but he just didn't like me enough to begin with or he stopped liking me or he didn't like the way I handled his situation and he told me that he really don't know. he cannot think anything and he was even thinking to take antidepressants. And I asked him, if there is any chance of us getting back together some time in the future?and he told me that he really doesn't know since he cannot think clearly and that his mind thinks irrational things lately. With this I just wanted to make him admit that he found me immature but he insisted on his doesn't know. Is it that difficult I wonder to tell the truth? But this was enough for me to move on. I had another impression of this guy, not to go to my friends and tell them that he was so in love with me but then he realized I am immature. Since I am immature, I will act as immature and delete him and cut any means of contact with hi,/

Well in my opinion, general relationship rules don't apply to them. I don't know how to explain it, but they are in a stage similar to clinical depression. But, in my life I know 2 cases with really clinical depression. The husband of the one girl has really gone crazy because his wife (the depressed) doesn't want to do anything and she had tried twice to commit suicide. Her attitude towards him reminds me of our boyfriends (I hope they don't want to commit suicide of course). But he only wants her best, even if this means to break up. So I am thinking that you shouldn't think of him or what he is going to do or something. His problem is grief. If it was depression (clinical) would you act the same? It is like they have lost their minds at this time. Yes and it seems to us that they don't care. And in reality at this time they actually don't care. For instance, before my boyfriend comes here we had limit our communication to one every 3 days or something. One day I tripped and I fall down some stairs and my foot was hurting so much that I was thinking of going to hospital. This day we talk on the phone. The next 3 days I disappeared and it was the fourth day that he remembered my existence and searched for me to see if I am ok. But if I were in the hospital? He knew that I don't have a lot of friends here but he didn't care. When he came here, one of my exes (who usually was jealous for him) called me and he didn't even flinch. The only thing that I can think that might shock them and get them out of this bubble would be to replace their grief with another grief. For instance, I think that if something bad (like accident, serious illness etc) will happen to us, then they will run and even feel guilty. But sorry I prefer to be healthy. I have friends that they will run from the other side of the earth too so I really don't care. What I want to explain is that at this time they actually don't care but not because they ignore us or something. It is like they are in a very difficult mental situation and they are alone on this. So, if you are ok with him coming back and continue ok. But if you aren't then you shouldn't bother yourself. You should go yous holidays and you will see that you will feel better. Set a timeline and if he doesn't return just go on with your life. Well at least that is what I had in my mind. I didn't tell him the due date in order not to pressure him, but in my case the inevitable happened. Apart from this I am doing better these days. I still think of him and the bad thing is that our common friends keep coming with his updates and to tell me don't worry he will return and I also can see him online on my chat. But it's ok in a month I will be ok! I just need to be patient! KayC about the weakness that you mentioned above, I have a friend that she is cynical and she doesn't understand grief at all and she hated my boyfriend fro grieving his mother. But in her delirium she had a right point, she told me: ok and then supposed he will come back, do you want to be with a weak guy like him? You are a wonderwoman and you will have the weakling next to you? or do you want to play the role of the mother he lost? I guess she had her points

Well the problem here is that he is for some reason (as all of our bf grievers) emotionally shutdown. So at this point they cannot do anything about their relationship and as this guy was mentioning (the one that came after 7 month to the girl that he break up) he was on his own bubble. He would probably regret it but at this time he doesn't know. I know very well how this does feel. I mean how can you not know? Even my guy explained to me that he wasn't certain all this time that we weren't talking. And I doubt he is certain by now but he just let it go in order not to hold me and to focus on the pressuring things and maybe regret it later. Maybe no. Who knows. At the end of the day, I didn't understand how a girl that gave you all the time and space you need can be considered as a pressure. it is kind of insulting isn't it? And isn't a good thing to have someone who cares about you at these times? I guess not because he probably is the kind of guy he wants to solve his problems alone or something. He always admired this side of mine: that no matter the problem I had, I would never drag others to them. I guess because he did it a lot of times in the past he doesn't want me to be dragged again. he even told me that if I were there things might have been worse because I would have seen his worst side. I guess that is why he told me he didn't know whether to go there or not. Because he might probably didn't want to see this side of him. But how can you stay hold on this uncertainty? I even asked him, if I were in your shoes what would you have done? And he told me that: this would have been depended on you. I would have done whatever you wanted to do and support you in any way you wanted me to do. So I guess with this answer means that he still cares for me, but he cannot do anything to correct this. Can your guy do something to correct it? For me I think you should give an amount of time that you can wait, as I had myself. A time limit. I said that I will wait until November when I return and if he doesn't take a decision I will let it go. This might take years, but as a (guy) friend of mine had told me: unfortunately negligence bears consequences, no matter how regretful the other might be. You cannot wait years of course and in the worst case scenario to listen something like: I am sorry but I don't feel anything anymore. I know very well what the tricky part is. Right now, you cannot think that there is someone else more suitable than him for you. It is the same for me. and you find it unfair for him to return and you might be with another guy! But since you will be happy what will be the reason of regretting? If you are not, then you will return to him! I thought about it yesterday. And by the way, even if my boyfriend decides to return, I won't accept him back that easily. OK I understand that he was kind enough but he could just accept my pause proposal

No Plum! Don't mention it. Of course it doesn't sound selfish and I really want things to work between you too guys because it gives me some hope that relationships are not always doomed because of it. But in my opinion it depends on how much you are able to wait. As i have already told, if my relationship counted 5 years I couldn't be able to be so patient. It is 5 years damn it. You have already formed a very strong bond. How can he be so distant? Or at least he could have tell something like: I want sometime to be alone but I will be back or something (of course it is the same case and the same wondering, will he be back?). Moreover, we have different targets. I am not planning on marrying anytime soon, so waiting for me wasn't such big of a deal. I could even have waited for more if he had told me to (I mean if for some reason I knew the outcome will be positive). But, if I wanted to have family I don't know what would I do. And you know is not that bad to be selfish and I admire the fact that you can tell what you feel. You know I am very proud to show my emotions to anyone, so I kind of regret it that I didn't tell him how I feel. No matter how hurt I have been I never say anything to anyone. But I don't want to have regrets. At least I know that I tried my best but I would like him to know that too, and not necessarily now. But if we stay on friendly terms I would like some time to tell him. I would suggest to go on your holidays to begin, with and then if you are still have the patience to wait go for it. Otherwise you have to think what do you want more. Do you want to try and save your relationship or you want a family? Or why don't you try do the same thing, like let it go for the time being and start dating. And if you see that he is the one you want and after some months maybe you can try again. If you know where to find him, he knows where to find you too.

yeah KayC. If someone let's say wasn't good with me or he had cheated on me, I would have just been mad and forget him the other day. Because in the end he was the one that lost. This anger always was healing for me at least. But now I cannot even get angry at him for more than 1 minute. Maybe I should just focus on me rather than him. In the sense that I cannot understand what he is going through but I should understand why I am feeling like that. I mean we were only two months together when the incident happened. Most of my friends are wonder how I was waiting for more months than the actual relationship and they even tell me that if I knew him better I might not want him anymore. And I know that this might be true but the time we spent together I was happier than I have ever been with guys that we ve been together for years. Well of course you cannot do any psychologic analysis on me and maybe in the end the fact that this is "unfair" makes it worst for me. Everything went great, then this happened and everything fall apart. Well maybe I should accept that he was just not that into me and forget it. Of course the irony will be if he returns and I won't want him anymore. It usually happens like that. But at least I will be happy (since I won't want him anymore). “Let’s start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there’s something better out there is to first believe there’s something better out there. What other choice is there?” ― Greg Behrendt, He's Just Not That Into You

I don't think he has taken any decision yet but I don't see him moving any time soon. So it depends on how long you are able to wait. I didn't have any problem on waiting but my guy seemed he had. Well it is logical, I wouldn't have want anyone waiting for me if I didn't know when I will be ready. I hope your guy will get through this soon but it is difficult to snap from one day to another. It is true that at least I am relieved. I believed that it would have been better to wait because I feel that he didn't take the right decision, but this is my objective opinion. Even in the future he might think of it as the best solution. But I am imagining myself return to my country and then he tells me ok Polla I don't feel anything for you anymore let 's break up. Maybe now it is better. He will have the mind to think it clearly at some point. Otherwise he would have think of me as the girl who waits. Of course he knows that I will still wait for a reasonable time but I guess it is difficult. In any case this is the first time that I want to totally forget a person. I ve never said that on break ups. I am even searching tips on how to get over someone. I don't have any patience on ever waiting when I am going to heal lol. I know the feeling of holding all your emotions in order not to be a burden to the other. But in the end, although I didn't tell anything, I didn't rush anything, I didn't put him any pressure, I just got a: thank you for you patience and your way that you handled this it really helped me. OK and then? He broke up with me although I handled the situation perfectly? Irony huh? So it is like whatever you do, if it is to happen it will happen. OK wait for your holidays and if you feel the same tell him that you understand that everything is really difficult for him, you won't put him any pressure and that you need some time yourself to think over things or something

Helena I am very happy that you feel better. I hope I will feel better myself in a while. I am not in the mood of dating to be honest but I don't have any problem on being single, but at least I liked myself when I was single and didn't care about anyone romantically. I hope I will soon get to this point again. I am trying to erase any hopes but the way he put it (exactly his words): "I am sorry that I treated you like that this whole time and I didn't do it on purpose. It was really unfair towards you and because I don't know how this thing is going to last and I don't want you to hold you waiting, that is why I believe it should be better to end it. I wasn't sure about this the whole time that we weren't talking but when I feel an apathy towards everyone and everything it is unfair towards you. What do you think about it?". although it is aν infinitesimal slightly hope, it is still a hope. Maybe when my friends return and I will have someone to talk in real and not in my distant friends from chat i will do things and feel better. Let's see. I agree that silence from his part is not kind at all and don't send him anything else. He knows where to find you and you said what you had to say.

Thank you for all the consoling words. I know that I will be better in the future just need to be patient. But it is hard to be at home because in this country that I am staying temporarily, he was the only one who came visited me and everything remind me of him. Also this country in general, because when I first came I was alone and didn't know anyone and he was the one that he was keeping me company etc. And it is fun that he told me: this trip really helped me and made me feel better. I wonder how can he think that since he became more distant after the trip. Maybe these were just consoling words but I didn't ask his option. My ex boyfriend says that maybe after the trip he became more distant because he returned back to the grief. I really don't know how can he think that I helped him by this trip and then breaks up with me. This morning I was so mad at him that he didn't wait until I return to make his decision, but I am thinking that it will be worse to wait until then and then tell me that he cannot have me waiting. I would have lost more months of my life. I am thinking that in his mind he found this as the best solution since he couldn't do anything more at that time and didn't have any idea when he would. My psychologist friends tell me that it isn't that he made this decision based on what he feels about me and what he wants, but he thought of me in a way: "Oh I have treat her really unfair all this time and she was very patient and kind towards me. But at this time I cannot spend energy on her and also I don't know where this grief will get over and I have all these things press on me. So why to keep her waiting while she can do other things?". According to them, he didn't end up on this decision because he doesn't want me in his life in general or because he decided to start a new life without me, but because he cannot have it on him to give me something right now and he doesn't want me to get hurt waiting (if only he knew). That is why he asked me what is my opinion, because -according to them- he still is not in the right state of mind to make a decision like that, but he sees it as the best solution right now. And that is why -again according to them- when I told him that when you feel better and if you feel that we can be together again you can tell me and if I am still available we can see it again, he didn't tell me something like: no we are never going to be back again because he is still uncertain but doesn't want to commit me. Then I am wondering if he will meet another girl when he is ready to go out of grief and thinks that she was the one that helped him, but my psychologists friends don't see that very possible since a new relationship needs effort and he didn't have the courage to put effort on me that i didn't ask for anything. But who knows Although I believe that this breaking up is permanent, since he told me that all this time that we weren't talking that much he wasn't that sure of us breaking up, I guess now he is. But, (here comes the tricky part), when I will return to my country, we have a lot of common friends and go out all together. I wonder what we will do at that time. Hide from each other? Try to pretend that I am ok with him being as a friend around while I am not?

No what my friend meant wasn't that I added pressure but that until then he was in uncertainty and he hadn't put any effort on it. But when I told him leave it until autumn and we will see he might thought that noone guarantees that he will feel better at autumn and since he cannot change his behavior now why to postpone things until then? He might even have felt commit to me that he had me all these months waiting and I guess he doesn't want such a thing. Well in the morning when I woke up I was worse, because I thought that he didn't care enough for me, and that his decision was just an excuse (I don't want to hold you waiting). But everyone says me that it wasn't an excuse. And then one friend of mine reminded me that when his mother diagnosed with the 2nd metastasis he told his girlfriend (my boyfriend told his ex girlfriend): let's solve our problems outside of the relationship and they were apart for some months. I didn't remember that but for me hopes are working the total opposite when it comes to break ups. Because for some strange reason I assure myself ok it isn't over just focus on yourself now and when he comes you will be together. I said something like that to myself when my 6 years bf broke up with me (because they were actually some hopes back then) and in the meantime, while I was suppose to wait for him and do other things I totally forgot any possibility of getting us together and now I can only see him as a friend of mine. no Plum, I don't think he is taking you for granted and taking into account your past i think it is the opposite.But I don't know how long you can keep on this. I mean, if it wasn't to return back to my country I would have probably initiate the breaking up, cause I don't see him moving any time soon with you. I don't remember, but when he was supposed to move?

Well one friend of mine that she had grieved over the past she told me that the fact that he made up a decision doesn't mean that he is sure about it but at that time he thinks that this might be the best for the two of us. And he rushed on his decision when I asked him if he had come to a decision and he avoids to tell me. That if I hadn't asked him he would't have start to think over it. But that is the given situation so I didn't have a lot to add on the subject. His ex was totally opposite than me and she would have probably beg to stay together and who knows, maybe he was expecting this kind of reaction from me too, that is why he asked me in order to be more kind. But I am not that kind of a girl to beg for someone who says that he doesn't want to be together. I think I made it clear that if he wants to be together he can come and tell me. he is not a baby anyway Well it's not like he is taking you for granted and he doesn't do it on purpose. Don't try to apply normal rules in this situation, But in my opinion if you want to say something to him since you suggest to put everything on pause it will be something like: Although I know it is difficult for you to cope with this situation, it is also very difficult for me because no matter how you tell me that it has nothing to do with me. So in order to protect myself and what left for our relationship I decided to move on with my life and if you feel better you know where to find me". But you should have in mind that this is like breaking up on your part and I don't know whether you are prepared for it.

I asked him why you ask me something like that since you already make up your mind? And he told me that he is not alone in this relationship although that he took his decision. I answered that: "You already know my opinion. I wouldn't mind on waiting and I thought it would have been better this way because I feel that you are not in a position to make any decisions at all. But since you made a decision I cannot only but respect it. I cannot answer to change your mind or something. Heal yourself and if you feel better and if I am still around we might see things again". and he told me yeah I should first heal myself because I don't know how this is going to last. I know it won't last forever but at this time I don't know how and it is unfair towards you to have this apathy. I don't know maybe he was waiting another attitude from me? But I am like this. Even if I am hurt I am very proud to say it to someone that he is hurting me. but he knows that I am like that so I still wonder why he asked. well maybe he still had some doubts but what did he expect from me? To erase them? To tell him, oh you are making a wrong decision? or to tell them yes that is for better? Yeah and then they say that women are complicated At least the fact that he knows that he won't grieve for all his life is a step towards reality. Because most people at their grieving stage think that this is never going to end.

Oh kayC first your car, then the food poisoning and now this. I hope everything gets clear with your working condition

Well the only relief I feel is that I don't have to bother on wondering. But I guess it is still the beginning but I cannot think of going out with anyone other at this time. And this is worst. I would prefer to be like these girls that forget the guy by replacing him with other guy. But then again I am thinking that if he told me this after I had returned to my country who knows it might even be worse because I was waiting for so many months. Plum when I was waiting the whole time there were days like that that I thought OK if we break up I don't mind. But it seemed that I actually minded it. But I guess by autumn that I have to return to my country I will be better for sure while if the breaking up had happened then, I will have added more months to my wondering and this stressful feeling. But at this time everything seems so long. Well it might also be the fact that I have not a lot of friends here and phone and things dont help. And also that all my good friends left for holidays so I don't have a lot of things to do. The fun thing is that after he announced his decision he asked me: what do you think about it?Because you know this is my decision but I am not alone in this relationship. And I was thinking: What the hell? OK If I tell you that I disagree what is going to change? Why does he ask me something like that?

Yeah to be honest I don't think it applies. In fact I believe that he will end it up sooner if you tell him something like that. I believe that my boyfriend hadn't put any thought on our situation until I asked him if he wants to end it and he doesn't tell me. And although I told him to let it go and don't make any decision until I 'll be there, he got into the frame of thinking of taking a decision and he rushed over it in a way that he cannot deal with it right now so let it go. DML it is a book called why men love bitches.

Well for me sometimes the ending comes as a relief than the waiting. I was so sad the last 3,5 months and today is just another intense day. I cried so much when I thought that he had already broke up with me that I don't have more tears to shed. At least now I am not wondering things like: could it be today the day that he will make contact with me? Now I know it won't be, not today not any other day. It is sad to think it but at the same time it is relieving. My friends always called me wonder woman on how I can easily move on break ups. This break up for me is strange because it is like a story that stayed in the middle. It didn't even start

Well to be honest DLM if I were in his shoes I would probably have done the same. Even if I cared deep for the other, since I wouldn't know how much this is going to take and since I couldn't handle the situation and change it I would have set the other free. Of course I wouldn't treat the other this way to begin with. But supposed that I did, then I would have probably done the same because I would also think of it as unfair for the other to wait. What I told him is that I don't have any problem on waiting but I cannot change his decision and I respect it. He can contact me if he feels like to talk as a friends and then maybe one day we can discuss over it again. Well it might not be the end who knows, but as already mentioned by the other women, I cannot base my future on it.

And ladies I won't disappear. I will be around. You helped me so much all this time. My friends had bored of listening to me and even today when I announced them the news they were like: OK it was expected he didn't care for you anymore. Now let's talk about something else. And they started tell me about things that I won't have any problem talking with them, but I have a problem that I find it more serious let's say than the haircut someone needs to made. OK I know that all of them were very patient of listening to me saying the same all over again but I thought this is friendship for. Well one of my psychologists friends told me that he came to that decision because until now he hadn't put any thought onto it. But when he started to think about it he saw that he wasn't right towards me but he hasn't got it on him right now to try and change his attitude. So he doesn't see any reason on delaying it, because when I return he might be better but he might not. So he cannot leave me wait until then, and then 7 months after to tell me that it is over, because on the one hand he simply doesn't know when his grief will be over and on the other it would be really unfair towards me. At least that is how she explained it to me. On and another thing that I recall, when I told him: well it was expected he told me: no it wasn't. All these days that we weren't talking I hadn't come to any decision and I wasn't sure of ending it, but I cannot hold you and tell you to wait. But yeah he also told me that it is unfair to have me waiting because, although he knows that his depression won't stay forever, he doesn't know how long it will last. He told me that he will end up with all the pressuring things and then when he heals himself he will start thinking over it. (at this point I didn't understand if he will think our relationship or relationships in general).

Well he thanked me about the stance that I kept so he probably recognized that other girl wouldn't have done better. What strikes me though is that he told me: OK I don't have energy but this doesn't justifies the fact that I was awful towards you. So I wonder could this mean something like, If I wanted you more, I wouldn't do that? I dont know. He also told me that he has a lot of things to pressure him, so he needs first to take care of everything before starting a relationship. In any case I hope it will really works for you Plum. It is a different situation because you have formed a bond so I hope everything will be ok. As for me, the fact that I was waiting for so long at least made it easier. I would prefer for him to wait but in the end it might even be worse for me. Maybe I would have thought that, oh I was waiting for so many months and now you are breaking up with me? Well I will focus on my hobbies now and I will see. The bad thing is that my friends from this country left for holidays and they will return in about a month, so it would be kind of difficult for me. But I know how things are going.

Well you know although you are waiting for it you still have hopes. And I was hoping for him to wait to be there but he didn't. But the thing here is that unlike most cases, he thought over it and he didn't break up with me in the spur of the moment so I guess there is no chance of us getting back together. Maybe from now on I should start ask people that I am gonna date if their parents are alive or something!

Well it is official. My guy broke up with me. One more added to the list. He called me and he told me that his behavior was awful with me all this time after the incident and that he thank me about the stance that I kept towards him, but he feels an apathy over everything and he doesn't want to keep me waiting so it is better if we break up and I told him that his behavior was expected since he is been through a lot. Of course I don't like his decision and I think it would have been better if he would wait in order to take it with a clear mind, but I cannot do anything else since he decided it. But he can talk to me if he wants and if he feels better at some point and want us to be together and I am still around he can talk to me and we will see it. he told me that if I were there maybe I would have seen his worst character so it was better that I wasn't there but now he is stressed over a lot of things and that he needs first to heal himself. I don't know if I could say something more like how hurt I am and thing like that, but firstly it's not on my character and secondly I think I would have make things worse for the future. I mean even if he thinks someday of returning, if he knew how he hurt me, I doubt he would have done it. Well it was kind of expected and as I heard him, I don't think there is any chance of us getting back together but that's life. I mean OK he wasn't rude or anything but when I told him that we might be together someday he didn't answer nothing at all. Of course it is difficult to do something like that since he cannot think like that

I am sorry Plum to hear that your holidays were ruined. I hope there is something to do and at least you had a chance to talk with your guy. Maybe you should find another place to go. I never go holidays outside my country for summer or by using travel insurances and I don't know how it's working in order to help you Well it's kind of the same for my guy I guess although he doesn't speak to me, if I pose a problem to him, regarding me, he would probably try to find a solution. As I have already mentioned his parents were divorced and although he and his sister are in good terms with their father, he always thought himself as the man of the family. During the whole time that his mother was sick he told to her sister that he will do anything and I guess now he feels even more responsible for her, even though she sees a counselor and she has a lot of hobbies and spend her energy there. He is also doing all the paperwork, so I guess he is in the same pressure. He is overprotecting as a guy so I guess now he will care for his sister more than anyone. Well I hope everything gets well for you Plum and it seems so but you really have to be patient since you don't know when he will be ready again to devote energy to your relationship. I haven't talk with my guy one week now and this week I had a lot to do in my job so I was ok. But when weekend is coming I usually turn worse since I don't have anything to do.

Well it is kind of true now that you mention KayC. But I think that they in fact fell in love with independent women, but when it comes to family, they prefer the more -let's say- safe solution for them (safe on their mind of course). I have a lot of male friends and I have noticed that the girls that they had fell head over heals for where independent but in the end they ended up (if you can say marriage as ending, and I am saying as ending since I don't know how their relationships will keep on) with the typical weak and wanted to be protected girls. At least the guys that I am falling love with -except my previous ex- also liked independent women. And my guy liked this fact and he told me that he would like to be more like me in some things. Well maybe he thinks now that as an independent girl I can survive. KayC you can give a try on this book by Sherry Argov. At least you can read it very fast and it is pleasant and easy to read. It has some right views and some wrong in my opinion but it is ok and it 's written in a humorous way. I have it in pdf if someone wants it I can send you the link by pm. Just ask me. There is also a rule that can apply to us in some ways: He seems withdrawn, pensive and not particularly talkative. The nice girls continually asks "what are you thinking about" and she worries that he is pulling away The bitch is in her own thoughts and she doesn't panic something that makes him comes her way (OK I know it is grief that we are talking about, but I remembered when I had read that book back in my 20s I have found this particular hint very funny) As for second chances, all the times that I gave went wrong, but you never know

Plum, have you read the book "Why men love bitches"? Of course to bitches it doesn't mean it an a bad way rather than an independent woman. It is not only that he will take me for granted if I lose a career opportunity due to him, but he would also feel commit to something that I decided without even asking him. it is true that when I came in this country I didn't want to stay more than my contract goes. And after I started dating my guy I also had the same idea to a bigger extent. That I will finish and return to my country. Or at least that was the plan. But if a good opportunity comes, I cannot see why to let it go in order to try to be with a guy, who at the end of a day may decide to let it go. I really don't think that it is necessary for me to be there in order to make his decision. OK I can make more travelings to meet him and let him test his feelings again after so long, but I doubt he needs me there in order to decide.

Well no DML I agree with that. You don't have to be copies. What I meant by opposites wasn't that we had different tastes rather than total opposite worldviews. For example I am very broadminded and independent as a person while he was the total opposite and he was opposed to the idea of independence in women. And these lead to continuous fighting. Of course I wouldn't care if someone listen different music or liked different movies or even if we had different characters. For example I am calm and he is loud. I don't mean such kind of opposites. But in my experience, you cannot be with someone that had total opposite worldviews. Well maybe I cannot explain this very well, because in my language we have two different words for love when you meet someone and let's say you fell in love with and as the time pass you have a deeper tie which is also called love in English but it is a different word for us. But even KayC you regard that this kind of love when you are with someone and you are always in love with him is not the usual case. Could we refer to the first kind of love that there is always passion etc as sex chemistry? This sex chemistry usually lasts for about two years. I also have noticed this in my experience and in my friends. So when this happened, a deeper tie was developed. I don't have any problem with this deeper tie. But a lot of my friends didn't like this deeper bond and they wanted to return back to the previous stage. This is why I asked you if she had any serious previous relationships. Because if she doesn't she might not even aware of this fact and recognize it as boredom like my friends do.

Oh KayC I think I will be like you in your age. I also believe the same. That everyone knows what is really happening but a lot of times ourselves want to protect us and even if we see the signs we ignore them or rationalize them or try to find another possible explanation in order to ignore them. For instance with my previous ex (not my ex but the one before him lol) I could see that we were really different characters but I kept on telling myself that opposites attract. Of course I knew it that this wasn't the case and our different worldviews would lead us to breaking up at some point but my subconscious chose to ignore this. In the end we broke up after a lot of fights and I only remember the bad things about him. DML I believe that your girlfriend has been to a lot of problems, but I am also having the opinion that love don't last forever (although I want to find my soulmate that i will be forever in love with him etc). So maybe it is true that deep down she might get tired of your relationship. She love you as a friend and as a person, that is why it is so difficult from you to cut contact and she is clinging on you, but maybe the passion and the romance that she felt for you are not into her anymore. But passion and romance gradually evaporate through time and love is the thing that ties people together. Did she have any other serious relationship except you?