Mary1063

Kay, thank you my dear for sending me all of Shannon's posts. I've read just from back in Jan and I'm overwhelmed by her pain, her grief, her loyalty to my brother and unending love for him. Just in tears... It's still so surreal that they are both gone. But together they are. And with her Momma and Nana and many others she so wanted to be with. I'm not going to read anymore. I'm just so glad I have it all. Again, Kay, thank you. To all who supported Shan and just loved her so much here, I just must convey my heartfelt gratitude... I mean I can not find words adequate enough. Big hugs and love to everyone. Always.

I have slowly been finding and reading posts from Shan. And crying quite honestly. Question; Should I delete her account and her posts? Will deleting her account delete her posts? How do you all feel regarding this? How can I save her posts together?

I thought going through photos would help me somehow. However, I am in tears. My heart is so full of memories yet so empty too. I feel very alone yet I am blessed to have my husband and family. Leo and Shan were everything to me. He was my big brother. And though Shan was "just" my SIL, she was my baby sister. I will be 50 in six days. Leo and Shan always made my birthday super special. Especially my brother because he knew how much pain my birthdays bring because of our childhood. I suppose going through photos and making videos was not such a good idea seeing it has left me very lost and alone. Goodnight for now. God bless...

I made three little videos... On of Leo, one of Shan, and one of the both of them. From photos. And for the life of me I can't figure out how the heck to get them on here. I'm a little annoyed. Okay, a lot! I'm spent. If I figure it out I will post them here.

Leo's 22yr old daughter is fighting with me. She's pissed and has every right to be pissed that her Dad is gone. However, what she doesn't have the right to do is blame Shannon and blame me. She has total disrespect for her stepmom. Shannon tried so hard to love her. Yet she blames her. And apparently she blames me because I spent so much time being there for Shannon, she hates me for not being there as much for her Dad. I'm only one person last I checked! I don't need this. I honestly don't. I'm still very sick. I have my regular health issues as well. And she is being selfish. Plain and simple. I am not angry I'm just plain hurt. End of rant...

Thanks I guess this is what I get for having the heart enough to go see mine, Leo, and Ziggy's Mom... Who none of us have had contact with since childhood because she was severely abusive in every way. Leo and Ziggy... Twins... Were purposefully burned in scalding hot bath water. After that and surgeries on their behinds and feet... It was our aunt who took us in. But I thought in her old age and illness, she should know about Leo's passing just as Leo informed her after Ziggy passed. But I most likely picked up C Diff at that facility. The ER doc contacted my doc this morning and I got a call from my doc saying to not take the Zithromax.... He wanted me on Levaquin instead. So I'm on Flagyl Levaquin and diflucan (to prevent a yeast infection) and I've got a rash on a couple places but its believed to be a heat rash from the high temp. My temp is bouncing between. 100 and 102. Sleep is very hard with the fever and aches ESP. I'm in bed with my Little Man sipping fluids watching Netflix, I held down my meds and I just took more Motrin because my temp is back to 102.3. Hubby had to work today. But he will be home in a couple hours. This infection has me knocked down to where grief is somehow on the back burner.

Note.... I have been visiting Leo and mine and Ziggy's biological Mom telling her about Leo. That's where the nursing home comes in. But we do not get along. Never have. But I felt she should know about Leo. Ok, back to bed for me and Little Man.

Just got home from ER. Went at 11:00pm. I have C Diff. My immune system is so crappy, I picked bacteria up anywhere... But probably at the nursing home where Leo Mom is. That explains the horrible diarhea vomiting fever etc... The bloody mucus, which is what I was so worried about, is not to be worried about right now... It's from the infection and inflammation of the bowels. Need to see dr Monday or go back to ER between, now and the. If things worsen. Temp was over 102. Is 100. Now. Feeling like utter crap. I'm on Flagyl as well as Zithromax. I have a cough and congestion too. Going to try to sleep, but I hurt everywhere and am still very nauseas. The fever and chills are yuck! Got several bags of fluids there. I'm exhausted seven hrs there.

Thank you Marty. We are taking a ride to the ER in a few. Will let you know.

I have an off topic question. Is anyone here in the medical or nursing profession? I have been sick since very very early this morning with diarhea, vomiting, fever 101, aches, chills. Taking phenergan for vomiting nausea. Lomotil for diarhea. The vomiting and diarhea finally got controlled I felt a little better. Then tried dry toast. Ginger ale. That went right through me. More diarhea. Then the last two hours I have had more cramping, and urgency but no diarhea... But about very half hour I go and it's just clear mucus and some tinges of bright blood not dark. Anyone have an suggestions whether I should worry right now or not? Or just it's part of this bug I have? I know none of you are professionals but have you experienced this. I don't want to set foot in a hospital again. For obvious reasons from losing my brother and SIL recently. Any input is appreciated.

It's so very surreal. It's been 113dys since my dear brother passed and 9dys since Shannon passed. I guess it just feels like I lost them both when Shannon passed. Perhaps because she didn't get to grieve for her Leo and I didn't either because I was being strong for her. I hoped with so much in me that she would win her battle. Honestly, I hoped a bit more for her than I did my brother, because he had so many life threatening issues and we just knew he would eventually lose that huge battle.... Like his twin brother did... My other big brother. But Shannon was only 40... 12yrs younger... And didn't have the issues my brothers had. Not to diminish cancer, but she should have had remission in her future. I truly believe in my heart that Leo dying left the very core of her heart and soul so shattered that it impeded her fight. Because my brother was indeed her heart and soul. Below is Leo and Shan on their not fancy little wedding. They had just fed each other their piece of their wedding cake. Still crying...

Sleep, none here.

Tears tears tears, so many so fast so endless... It's so crazy difficult. My Little Man is next to me in bed licking my face... Whining... Trying to take the tears away.

Yes, Little Man is feeling our loss. He was supposed to be Shan's when she was to come home. I have talked to him about her. Maybe he knows. I see my orthopedic surgeon tomorrow morning to get my ankle checked but that's feeling better. Also my toes... I'm very concerned for one of them. The swelling and bruising is pretty much gone, however the pain is more severe. We are going to dinner with Shannon's brother tonight. He is flying back to CA tomorrow to get back to his family. He and his wife, their two little ones and his new college boy and his 15 yr old daughter will be coming out in April for Shannon's birthday and her and Leo's wedding anniversary and we will have a memorial for Leo and Shannon probably on the 19th the day after her birthday and the day before their anniversary.

Thank you all so much. I actually saw my therapist that I've had for ten yrs now, but the last few yrs it has only been on a need basis. It will be regularly now. I am also in touch with Shannon's blessed therapist just chatting with her because Shannon never got to grieve for Leo. That feels so strange. But on the other hand, thy are together for eternity now. It is just hard because I wish she were here to share in my grief for my brother. Little Man won't leave my side. He go crazy when I leave. Until I return. We have had to keep him gated in the kitchen because he tinkles on the carpet from distress. He does not have that issue if Butch or anyone else leaves. Just myself.

Butch is getting frustrated with me. I can't help it if I really can't eat. I'm trying. I can't help it if I'm sleeping so little. I'm trying. I can't help it if I'm not in good spirits. How can I be? Yes, he is my best friend and my love. But Ziggy, Leo, and Shan were my best friends... Unlike any other.

Hi. It's so difficult. Nothing is clear. Life is fuzzy. I'm so tired. I have to find a way to cope. Seems like a mountain much to steep to face...

Crying... I had an entire paragraph typed and I hit something and I lost it. I will try again later. Leo and Shannon gone has shattered dreams... So many dreams. Their love was so huge, it rippled through this family deeply. I have never felt this confusion, numbness, shock, exhaustion, and so much more gripping me all at once. Having a hard time... Ziggy was 43, His twin Leo 52, and Shannon just 40. My big brothers and my baby Sister (SIL).

Thank you On top off pure numbness right now, I feel very badly for bringing more bad news to those of you here. I will stay here, I will return. I just am pulling back I suppose. Again I feel terrible for all of you who invested your heart thoughts and prayers in Shannon. I want there to be comfort for ALL for the simple loving reason that Shan and Leo are together again for eternity. Here, our families are shocked but strong. I am trying to rest as much as I can. My husband and I will be t.aking over Leo and Shannon's place. My son and grandsons will be in our home. As far as the memorial service. It will be at a later date. I'm thinking in April on their wedding anniversary would be lovely. In spring. Will be here when I feel comfortable. I'm just overwhelmed. Your love is taken with me though. And reciprocated. XO

I have to say thank you for your support of Shannon when she came here. I don't even know exactly when that was. And for your support in the loss of her Leo, my big brother. And in her fight that she inevitably gave up on because her heart soul and spirit seemed to have left when Leo did. And for your constant prayers. And support of myself and our family. I now have a double memorial service to somehow plan. I have to find that strength. I don't know where it will come from right now. I cannot, though, say how much all your words thoughts and support have meant. 5/29/13 and 9/10/13 my big bro and my precious SIL. I'm just numb.

I wish I had words, but words fail me We were setting up for her to come home where hospice would care for her with myself and Butch. It's like she did not want to come home. I know that she gave up. She didn't have to tell me that. She couldn't... But I knew. I just knew I don't know what is we are going to do right now.

I'm a pile of overwhelming heartbroken mush... That's all

I my big brother so much. Leo was my hero. He fought through so much for many many years and never gave up. Never complained. Never asked for anything. Had very little. Had a huge heart. And I witnessed his heart the most soft the most open the most loving the most giving the most happiest and the most fullest while with Shannon. Losing Shannon. Watching her give up. Watching her slip from this life slowly. It's agonizing for me. As much as losing both my big brothers. Leo was Shannon's life and she his. They honestly deserve to be together. And if that is what The Lord chooses is best, I know they will never be apart again. I miss Leo... This photo is one from around Christmas last year. He had just gotten out of a hospital stay.

I've got a walker I've had for few yrs for my balance issues and my absent seizures and my fibromyalgia. I'm actually not even really able to walk except to the bathroom. It's only getting worse. Hubby is concerned there might be a blood clot involved because of the pooling blood and swelling and red color. I told him we will go back tomorrow and get it checked again. I just want to rest right now. I'm so tired. If only sleep were that easy.

My foot today. The pic doesn't quite do justice though.