Mary1063

Hi Kay, My right knee will be done first as it is very damaged... The medial and lateral meniscus both, the ACL, and the fractured knee cap (in several places)... And the recovery time will be long and grueling especially because healing comes more slowly in diabetics, which I am. I will be using a wheelchair which I already have, for a good six months. And in a knee immobilizer a good three before beginning physical therapy. I cannot use crutches because of my balance. PT will be at least six months once started. Our son works from home so while my hubby is working, he will be here helping me out. Our grandsons are with their Mother during the weekdays anyway so our son is available. I'm getting so very stressed out. I just feel so stupid for falling. And quite honestly, I can't even see a week from now, never mind months. My heart is hurting and alone. However I thank The Lord daily I have my husband and son... Many here do not and I feel so badly. I will check in again between tonight and tomorrow night. We have to be at the surgical center at 6am Friday.

Hi Anne, Yes, I guess it is "the norm" for people to react this way to our grief. It happened after Ziggy passed and somewhat after Leo. It's happening a lot though since Shan passed. My pain level is still literally a big pain... Even with pain meds. Swelling is still prevelant. I suppose it won't get better esp on the right knee until quite a while after surgery Friday. Hobbling about when needed with my walker and in knee immobilizers. Lots of icing. I found this avitar the other day. He's a beagle and its a funny story, but Leo could bark exactly like the beagle pup he owned yrs ago. We always joked he was part beagle.

Does anyone else just feel like after a bit of time, most people in your life just try to ignore your losses? Or say to you very almost insensitive words... Like trying to justify that your losses "are all for the best"? It's really upsetting to my heart.

I forgot to post these few photos the other day when I came across them of Leo and Shan. From about a year ago. The love in my brother's face speaks volumes for Shan. As much as my heart hurts, I Thank God they are together eternally.

Thank you Dear Anne. I'm up for a few minutes. Well, not really up... I'm awake to have a little bit to eat and more pain meds. I've got my Little Man close by. New pics of him enclosed. Goodnight. XO

Saw my surgeon this A.M. Having surgery on my right knee Friday to fix both lateral and medial meniscus and my ACL and fractured knee cap. Will have Left knee done at a much later date... So much for having time and strength to grieve. Feeling very lost...

Thanks ladies. Because of my diabetes, there is higher probability of breaks and tears. Hence where I am now. My one toe is still broken too. But somehow it doesn't hurt so much now. As Leo used to say... "Let's drop a brick on your foot and you will forget your headache!" LOL. That was my brothers humor. Will let you all know what happens at my surgeons and when surgeries will be. I'm pretty much dozing a lot with the morphine. Hubby is home today. Thank goodness.

Sending hugs and thoughts and prayers to you most beautiful people. I cannot comprehend the loss of a spouse. All I can offer are my thoughts prayers hugs and love.

Yes their love was so special and endless but sadly thereway too few yrs together. I fell very early this morning. Injured both knees. Hubby took me to the ER. Had MRI's and both my meniscus are torn in both knees and my right patella is fractured as well as an ACL tear. I am in knee immobilizers and on morphine. And seeing my orthopedic surgeon Monday morning. Surgery is a definite. Though the ER ortho said probably after some time for swelling to subside some. If someone was attempting to get me resting and not moving... It worked. Painfully The morphine is naseating for sure. Have Zofran for that. I'm very loopy. Need assistance getting up and to the bathroom. Thank god for my walker and my husband and son. If I'm not here, it s because of pain, pain meds and loopiness. Prayers to everyone.

Today I got the courage to open the letter and the gift that Leo left with Butch and myself to give to Shannon in the event he passed away. I never got to give it to Shan as she was so ill and fighting for her life. I was waiting for a time when she would be home to give it to her. Sadly that never came to be as you all know. My brother was not one to express himself very well, but his words to his wife were absolutely the most amazingly loving expression of love, honor, and gratitude. He wanted her to go on and find love again. He loved her enough to want only happiness for her, yet he expressed how much he knew that she would always love him. And the gift he left for her is a necklace with an "infinity" sign on it. Symbolizing that their love will go on forever. Nighttime is the worst for grief I am finding out. It all floods over me at night. Tonight is pretty bad. I have my Little Man here so very close to me. Missing my brother and SIL.

Fae, I'm sorry you're still coughing lots. I have been keeping you in my prayers to get well. I'm coming down with something. Woke during the night with coughing, congestion, fever, and chills. Today I also have a headache to top it off. I'm guessing it is losing Leo and Shannon. And that shock and grief leaving my immune system pretty low. Especially with the change in weather and seeing my two grand babies (well the boys are eight and five) and both had colds recently. On another topic, Shannon's brother and wife are expecting a baby girl in the spring and they will be naming her Carrisa Jean... Jean being Shannon's middle name, Mark and Shannon's Mom's middle name their Nana's middle name, as well as his 16 yr old daughters middle name. He is honoring his Sister, their Mom, and their Nana. It's bittersweet. But surely very sweet. Going to rest this aching body with a nap. That is if I can stop coughing. Sorry I rambled... Fae, I pray you are not doing too much. Make sure you rest and keep the fluids up. Much love to all...

Hi thank you Anne I am unsure about the online course right now. My therapist gave me a book on Sibling Grief. My concentration is limited right now. Last night and today have just been really trying. Have to be happy for my grandsons. It's difficult. But they are my heart.

I'm just struggling immensely. This is so difficult. The weather is changing. The leaves are falling everywhere. It feels as so unfair that life is passing by and continuing. But then maybe I'm just the only one who feels this way...

Thank you Anne. It's nice to know I'm really not alone

It's a month since Shannon joined Leo for eternity. I'm still in shock. I feel very alone. Maybe I just want to be left be. Maybe it's my own fault.

My brother left my husband and I a gift and a letter to be given to Shannon should anything happen to him. He passed on May 29th. However, she was very sick fighting cancer and in treatments and then surgery and then a bone marrow transplant and all it's complications, which she succumbed to Sept 10th. I never found the right time to give her what Leo left her. I knew how broken she was losing him. But I am questioning myself. Who was I to play "god" and decide she would get worse if I gave it to her... Who was I to withhold something that could have very well put just enough hope in her heart to fight harder to survive... I don't know what the gift is he left her. I don't know what his letter even says. And now I feel horrible. And I don't know if it is my place to read the letter now and see his gift to her. My heart is breaking. I'm racked with guilt...

Hi friends. It still feels very, for lack of a better word, Unfair, for me to be here where Shannon belonged and should still belong in losing Leo. On the contrary, they are together now. I know this in my heart. But my bond with them both was so strong. And I was "the glue" that kept the hope going in the scary times with Leo's health. I was with Shan all the way. When Leo couldn't be and was fighting through so much. I have a very deep hollow place in my heart. I'm still reading Shannon's posts that Kay was so kind hearted to send me. I read very little at a time. I feel the pain she had. I also feel the connection and love with all of you. I don't want to take that place. Does that make any sense? I hope. It is so tough when one has a feeling so immense but cannot find words to adequately express it. This is a place Shannon needed, used, and clearly loved and deserved to have. I have so much... My husband, my son, my grandsons... Shannon was so young... And lost so much so so young. My heart is broken. Why can't I just be "ok" and "at peace" somehow knowing she is with my brother... Both of them... Her mama, nana, unborn child, and uncle. I feel so selfish....

Hoping you get to feeling better Fae. Vicks always works great for me with colds and congestion. And my grandsons. They hate it and I hate it but it works. Hugs

Happy Birthday Kay! Have a wonderful day.

I've tried to write to everyone here who supported, prayed for, and loved my brother and my SIL. There really are not words adequate enough to say what I know what was in Shannon's heart. And what is in mine now. I think of you all and how huge this world is, and how small we are in this huge space, separated by miles and miles, yet, the bonds made, the support given, the love shared is so incredibly immense... It reached from heart to heart and to the Heavens and back. Shannon is gone. I know what a huge impact you all had on her life here. And I hope somehow she had an impact on you and that you will hold that in your hearts for as long as you need. Much love and many hugs always.

Thank you Anne. I just read yours and fae's posts. And commented.

Oh dear Fae and Anne... Bless you for loving Shannon. I know by reading her posts and by her telling me when she was able how much she cared for all of you here. It deeply saddens me that I cannot do anything for your kind hearts because I know there is that loss for you as well. I think that is why it is so hard for me to be here much, because I feel helpless. If I am making any sense. Fae, Shannon spoke of your "twinkles" a few times. Please know her spirit twinkles for all of you here. I am so grateful that she had all of you here when she needed you. Hugs love and comfort to you all. Tears are being shed here too. I vote for a group hug...

I'm having a real rough time. But thought I would check in. Everything happened so quickly. And it's all so overwhelming and shocking to me. Sorry I've not been here. Hugs to all.

Thank you Marty. I've listened to some of this but not all yet.

Hi. I am pretty down. Today is my 50th birthday. Birthdays were a big deal with Leo because he knew how difficult they were in our childhood. Heard from Shannon's brother and they are expecting a baby girl come April. Shannon would love that. My toes are still extremely painful. As to be expected. Grief is really overcoming me and I honestly do not know how to handle it. I am seeing my therapist. I just have a heavy sense of ties being broken and feeling alone. Not real certain how to describe it.