Mary1063

Thank you Mary

Fae, You are in my prayers. You are a very strong lady! ((((((Hugs))))))

Thank you Marty and Kay.

Dear Fae, You are in my thoughts and prayers. I'm so sorry you are going through so much. Big (((hugs)))

Sadly and very unbelievably, today is six months since my dear big brother passed. I honestly have no words, oddly enough, because it feels like I need to type a book... But words continue to escape me... This journey seems impossible.

Hi all. This is a difficult week. For one, I'm still in a lot of pain 18 dys post op on my knee reconstruction. Thursday is My Big Brothers 53rd birthdays. Ziggy has been gone 9 1/2 yrs. Leo will be gone 6mos on the 29th. And Shannon's been gone 2mos and 8dys. It's still so surreal. The last six months have flown by and are very much a blur. Though it seems a lifetime ago. I miss them. I miss my big brothers. I miss my "little sister". I'm in a deep depression. I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing though. The weather is cold. But I'm just so cold on the inside. If that makes sense. Thanks for listening. Going to try to rest. It's 3:39am.

Anne, Kay, Fae... Thank you for hearing me. I'm still in tears tonight. I fought so hard to make Shannon want to fight. I know she didn't want to because she seemed to have left when Leo passed May 29th. I knew that. I felt that. I heard that in her. I saw that in her. But she had so much more to live here for. Friends and family who loved her. And Leo, her Mother, her Nana... In Heaven who would not want to have her give up. I begged her to fight. Her brother begged her to fight. I'm angry. Not at her. Not at Leo. Not at anyone. Just the injustice.

It's almost 2 in the morning. Tomorrow the 10th is two months since losing Shannon. I'm crying a lot right now. It's so hard having to be on the pain meds for the knee surgery recovery. In some ways, it numbs me and in some ways it makes my heart so very very heavy. Tonight I'm completely overwhelmed with emotion, tears, sobs, heart wrenching pain, and guilt. I'm knocked down physically following knee surgery. I'm knocked down with a horrible flu, congestion, fever, hacking cough, headache. I'm purely exhausted. This immense grief in tearing at my soul. Huge pieces of me are missing since losing my two brothers and Shannon was not just my SIL... She was as much to me as Leo and Ziggy. She took care of Leo... Nothing stopped her from caring for my brother all these years. She committed to him in every way and NEVER let him down and always put him first. I can't take this heartache tonight. I think shock is wearing off both for Leo gone in May then Shannon in September. I'm sorry for complaining, for I know I have more than many here... My husband and son and grandsons. My heart is just feeling very fragile and shattered.

Oh, Karen, my heart aches for you. I'm so very sorry you lost Ron. And I am so very sorry for the horrid journey and fears you are facing with your daughter's battle. I don't and won't pretend to know your exact pain. However, you have my many many deepest prayers. ((((Hugs))))

Oh Karen, I didn't realize she has cancer. My heart very much goes out to you and your family. On my prayers list for sure.

Thank you Fae dear. I'm hurting pretty badly in every sense but not much I can do but breathe in and out through the knee pain, through a horrible cold, and through this deep and dark heartache. Sometimes... I guess a lot of times... That's all any of us can do is just breathe in and out one second at a time. Hugs...

I'm so very sorry for your loss of your precious fur baby, and for the huge ache in you're heart. You have my condolences and prayers for comfort.

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/c-difficile/DS00736/DSECTION=symptoms There's so much info out there on C-Diff... But I read this. And I witnessed it with Shannon... Prayers.

Karen, Shannon had C-Diff several times. Twice while she was fighting her cancer battle. And she both times had bleeding. Dr had her on Flagyl and pushed fluids... And the C-Diff cleared up with the bleeding. I pray your daughter's Dr has her on the right thing and it helps. It is treatable... But it's a nasty infection indeed. Sending many prayers. XO

To all of you here in this thread who have lost your spouse... My heart breaks for you. I want to offer my many prayers and huge (((((((hugs))))))) even though I still have my husband. I know how much you supported Shannon when my brother was ill and when she lost him. I know how much spirit and strength Shannon lost when Leo left this earthly life. However, I know how much spirit and strength she gained from all of you here. In your own very gut wrenching grief, you touched Shannon deeply. Witnessing her pain in losing my brother only gives me a tiny inkling of each of your grief journeys. I wish I could hug you all individually in person. For touching my dear SIL through that bond you all shared with her between Leo's passing and her own. I think I am going to step back from everything right now as losing both Leo and Shan in three months time is just tearing me up. And knowing she in part gave up her fight because Leo passed. I feel a horrible sense of guilt and dismay because of that. I feel so honored that all of you supported her and I pray multiple times a day for all of you who continue to fight your journeys. You have my love, hugs, and prayers always, Mary

Thanks Anne It's past 1am now and I can't settle. Thank you for the link to reading material. I will try to concentrate enough to read. My therapist does not come to homes. I have been in touch by phone this past week though. I have been trying to read all of Shan's posts here that Kay was kind enough to email to me. It's tough.

It's officially November. While I'm laying here in pain trying to heal from my major knee surgery a week ago, my heart is so very heavy. My brothers birthday is Nov 21 and they would be 53. I really haven't dealt much with the loss of Ziggy in 2004 and losing Leo and then Shan in May and Sept has thrown me into a spin. The holidays are approaching and we have always been together during them. And I can't help but feel selfish because in some ways knowing Leo's health issues... Which were the same as Ziggy's... I kind of "expected" for lack of a better word for him to loss his battles. I never expected Shannon to lose her battle. I tried so hard to make her fight. But in my heart I knew she gave up the fight to go be with her Love. I'm just struggling so bad. And I'm probably not making too much sense being on this pain medication. It just all hurts...

Dear SadieAnn I'm so very sorry for the loss of your brother. I am 50 and I lost both my big brothers... Twins... One, "Ziggy" Samual June of 2004 he was 43, the other, Leo May of this year, he was 52, and my SIL Shannon (Leo's wife) in Sept of this year. Losing our siblings is just something unique in that we have grown with them all our lives. I hope you have a good support system. EVERYONE here is so very warm and supportive. ((((((Hugs)))))) and peace to you.

Actually I looked in my profile just now and when I set up my account I put 31 not 1... Of Oct. Guess grief and dismay fried my brain.

I turned 50 October 1st. Still don't know why it showed up as the 31st. Doesn't matter... I'm 50 but feel 80 right now sadly. This knee recovery is going to be grueling.

Hi Anne, No, the 1st was my birthday. Not sure why it's saying the 31st. But thanks. In horrible pain. And I have a pretty high pain threshold. And I'm just hating the pain meds. I saw my grandsons before they went trick or treating. I can't believe they are this big yet. They grow up too fast. I still can't believe my baby boy is 28! Night.

Thanks sweet Kay, My heart aches that you and many here have had to see life pass while your soulmates have left this world. I don't pretend to understand that horrific pain. Other than witnessing Shannon's immense pain when Leo passed. And it is so sad and surreal too that Shan succumbed to her cancer battle while never really having any chance to grieve for my brother... Had she had that proper chance, I feel in my heart that she would have survived her own battle. It's just a double whammy of grief now. Yes, I'm headed back to close my eyes again after pain meds.

Hello friends. It is the wee morning hours at 12:41am here officially the 29th... Five months since losing Leo. My husband is typing this as I am just in so much physical pain from my knee surgery Friday. As well as loopy and nauseated from morphine. I'm hating the morphine, though it is necessary for any kind of pain control. My heart is very heavy and I'm just feeling very numb and having a hard time comprehending that it has been five months already since Leo passed. And Shannon should be here to grieve with me. Though they are together now. It's just so surreal and I think maybe the surgery, pain, and meds are magnifying things. I just don't know. All I know is I feel so displaced, numb, yet heavy hearted. I'm trying to eat a little for my 1am dose of morphine. I hope to get to sleep soon. Dozing is the best I do with this pain.

Thank you. I'm enduring great pain really starting during the night last night following my huge knee surgery Friday morn. It's so difficult Blessing to all. Can't really type well or read well.

Made home from surgery. I'm still not feeling too much pain yet... As I got a block that isn't worn off yet. It's starting though. But I've got a pain pump underneath my knee immobilizer. And have to also keep up on oral morphine starting in a few hours. He said I need to keep take as directed to keep up with the impending agony that I know is on its way by morning. Pretty dopey. I really hate narcotics and the feel. I'm pretty nauseated from the anesthesia but was given Zofran during and after surgery and sent home with some. This is the start of many months of recovery. I go next week to see surgeon about what he found and did. He told hubby there was more extensive damage. Goodnight. Just wanted to check in. Not sure when I will be back as the tough part is not here yet. Blessing to everyone.