Mary1063

I know I don't have to feel like I need to update on Shan, but you all have been so loving to her. I'm taking as good of care as I possibly can. Walking is oh so difficult with the broken toes. It's a lot worse today. And I'm apparently stressing muscles compensating for less pressure on the foot. So I hurt all over. Sleep is very challenging. Being awake is very challenging. What to do? My foot and toes are red purple blue... And there is lots of "pooling" happening and swelling. Thanks everyone.

Apparently I needed another challenge! I was sleepy this morning and ran into my walker really hard... Just got back from ER... Two badly broken toes. On my good foot... Not the one I sprained. On heavy pain meds. Have ugly shoe to wear when walking. In agony. Worse than the sprained ankle. Seeing my orthopedic surgeon on the 18th. ER doc was very concerned about the second to last toe in particular. I am too. Shannon is staying put for now. At some point, yes, we will be having her come home. She was not awake at all today. I'm getting very nauseas from this pain and from the Percocet. So I'm going to try to rest. I did eat. Hubby made me dinner. Other family are going to be with Shannon even though she's not awake. I'm going to be down for the count with still recovering from sprain and now the broken toes. I'm so out of it emotionally and pain wise, it took me forever just to type this post. My heart hurts, so much more than these broken toes and sprained ankle. I really need hugs. Hubby is trying to comfort me through it all. I just don't want it if that makes any sense? Thank you all for being here.

Thank you ladies It's 8pm and hubby are trying to rest. He made me some soup. Going to try to get some sleep. Everyone is meeting with Drs and social worker tomorrow morning because I want her home. I don't care what it takes. I want her home. I want her in her home she lived her yrs with my brother. Maybe somehow it will help. I will fight to my death for her. I will, no matter what.

My darling SIL is losing her battle with cancer. Shannon is more than my SIL... She truly is my sister. She is rarely awake now. I spent the entire day there. Dr explained her body has rejected the bone marrow transplant and GVHD has set in heavily, even with the meds to fight it. It's only a matter of time now. Unless there is a miracle, she will be joining her love, my brother, in Heaven. I've sat here for an hour staring at the iPad getting the strength and words to post. I may be absent from here as our family and Shan's family are by her side. Even though she doesn't much know because she just isn't awake much. They are keeping her comfortable. Five months of a battle, and three since Leo passed. I believe it is because she lost him that her fight has not been enough. I will update when I can. I'm home taking a rest and trying to get myself together before going back to be by her side.

Oh Kay, of course you were attached to him Hun. Our pets are part of our families. I'm just so sorry. Big ((((hugs)))). Wish I could send you Little Man to cuddle you.

Hi Kay, hugs to you. My sprain is still painful but the healing process is slower due to my diabetes. It is getting there though. And Little Man is very in tune to what's going on with me. Social workers are looking into hospice for Shannon, per Drs orders, for down the road. They want us to "be prepared" even though we are still praying for a miracle. That's hard to swallow. Her big brother... Her only brother... Is sitting with her a lot right now. He is having a hard time because her body is rejecting his doner cells. So tired. Hoping to get a nap in soon.

Thank you Anne. Hugs I'm trying to read thing here. It's so difficult right now. It feels like my world is spinning with the loss of my brother in May and I am not really coming to terms with his loss yet, and maybe I should, and the thought of Shan losing this battle with cancer. It's overwhelming and mind numbing and gut wrenching all at once.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear brother and your Mom. Bless your heart. You've come to the right place. Everyone here is so supportive and compassionate. I too lost my older brother, actually both of them... Twins, one nine years ago age 43 and the other this past May 29th age 52. My darling SIL is battling cancer right now. She is just 40. After losing her husband, my dear brother Leo, in May. Things are so raw for you. They will be for a while. Things come in waves. I'm glad you found a support group. Individual therapy is helpful too. Hugs and peace.

Shannon's counts are getting worse still. The pneumonia is not getting better. She HAS to get better and her blood counts MUST improve greatly if there is any hope of more treatment. And she is just getting more sick and more frail and she is rarely awake now. I was going to say a whole lot more but I just can't. I can't believe this is happening. I refuse to believe that she could lose this battle! On the other hand, the drs are doing everything they possibly can do yet she is losing. And I can't help but believe somewhere inside her, the most important part of her, she is giving up the fight and wanting to go be with Leo and her dear Mother and others. I've caught a cold from my grandsons. So I can't be at the hospital. But she is not awake anyway. Having a real hard time.

Oh Kay, I'm so very sorry that you lost your grandfurbaby. I'm glad you had special time with Skye. I lost our fur baby of 16yrs, Bones, last March. I still cry for him most days. He was truly my best friend and confidant. My thoughts and heart go out to you. I'm so very sorry... (((((Hugs)))))

My grief for my brother (well, both of them) is starting to grip me more and more. As well as Shan fighting a most painful battle against cancer. I talked to my Dr today and he put me on Ativan to help me relax and hopefully sleep. I don't really like it. I'm feeling really zoned out. Going to go to bed though. Little Man is telling me its bed time. And there is no change with Shan today. Goodnight friends.

Thanks Anne, I slept about an hour and a half. I am calling my Dr in the morning to see about something more for my nerves. I'm on klonopin, lexapro, and abilify regularly but I honestly need something more right now... At least at night.

O my heart. I am the "tough strong" one in this family. And I am literally falling apart unraveling so quickly. Honestly I'm just utterly terrified. Terrified of Shannon's grief over losing my brother and quite frankly terrified of MY OWN grief over losing him. I cannot fall apart now. I've got to keep it together. I know my dear SIL so very well, that I know in my heart if Leo did not pass in May then she would be so so so much better in this fight against this cancer. Can I say something? I HATE CANCER!!!!!!! I HATE DIABETES and all that it did to BOTH of my brothers which stole them from me and us WAY TOO SOON!!!!! Age 43 and 52. I am ANGRY!!!!!! I guess it is easier for me to be angry than sad. However, right now I am both. Thank you all for your constant unending circle of support for Shannon and our family.

Thank you Anne

Anne, hi Hun. I am praying non stop for Shan. She is only 40. I don't want her to give up. I'm afraid losing Leo has got to be a huge factor in all of this for her. I have held her hand and I have told her it is not ok to give up. I have told her that Leo would absolutely 100% not want her to give up. I'd give anything and everything for by brother to still be here, because I know he could make Shannon fight. I feel completely helpless. It's 6:40am here and I dozed a few minutes is all. It is not storming bad here.

Thank you Kay I posted a very discouraging update a bit ago. I'm putting a cool washcloth on my head and eyes and going to try to rest.

I have been awake for almost three days now... Zero sleep. I'm agonizing in fear for Shannon. I had a bad feeling when she became so sick again and drs said they were repeating scans. This is the worst possible news we could have received. Two things are happening. One, GVHD is gripping her immune system. And second, there are cancer cells active in her blood still. She has a mass in her chest compressing her lung. But she also has pneumonia and fluid around her heart, due to the GVHD... Her brothers healthy stem cells are attacking her system. She is back in isolation. There is cancer still active. She cannot receive chemo... Her system is too fragile from the transplant and the rejection. She is receiving booster red blood cells, white blood cells, and platelets. And more anti rejection medication and antibiotics. All in the hopes by some miracle her body accepts this process of her brothers stem cells and to make her stronger so maybe she can get more chemo. She is once again heavily sedated so there is a better chance all the meds will do their job. But this is it. THIS IS IT... She can not go through another transplant. MAYBE she will get well enough for more chemo and radiation treatment. MAYBE. I told the dr to not sugar coat things. So he didn't. He also said that losing Leo and her grief... Acknowledge or not... Is most likely playing a big part subconsciously in her wanting to get better. I'm kind of dumbfounded and broken and terrified right now. It's 4am and here I am awake just praying.

Lord, please watch over Shannon. She is more than just my SIL. She is my sister. Please give her strength to fight. Please let Leo give her a sign that it is not her time to go be with him yet. I ask you this with peace and love in your name. AMEN.

P.S.... I wasn't sure where to post this. So I posted it here.

I'm asking for big prayers for our Shannon. She still has a recurring bout of pneumonia found today and a horrible case of Pleuritis. They go hand in hand. She is on both morphine and demerol iv drip. Plus antibiotics as well. That is how agonizingly painful this is for her. She is having a horrible time just breathing and even trying to talk. She described it as constant stabbing through her front to back and back to front. Sleep is not happening, even with the meds. She is now saying she sees and hears Leo calling to her to be with him. She's very almost delusional both from the meds and the pain. In the morning she will be having several scans done and another bone marrow biopsy. Their concern is there is cancer and concern for GVHD still. It really is scaring me how much pain she is in and that she "sees and hears Leo calling for her". Your immense prayers have gotten her through. I'm kindly asking for them to continue if you have the strength. For her and for our family. We are so concerned. I myself am terrified to no end. Thank you friends. God bless you all for your support always.

Am enclosing a pic of my two beautiful grandsons who are everything to me. their first day of school. Noah on the right third grade and Caleb on the left Kindergarten. Leo loved them so much. And Shannon loves them to pieces.

Thank you. I tried reading your replies to Shan but she is just so depressed and closed off right now. Plus the Pleuritis is much much worse, her pain level is "excruciating"... Her word. And breathing, talking, moving... Everything... Is horrible. Even with the morphine drip. I brought her in the throw fleece blanket that her kitty Silver used when she was alive and then Leo loved to use. To help comfort her.

Thank you Mary(in Arkansas) I knew Shannon would not say how she is feeling. So I do hope it was alright that I voiced it for her. Yes I lost my brother, both of them, however I can't pretend and never will pretend to know the loss of a spouse. Shan is in a lot of pain from the Pleuritis. She had a very tough night with that and emotionally. So she is really fighting the depression this morning. Her therapist will be seeing her sometime today.

Awe Fae, bless your heart! Shan had a rough day yesterday and especially the evening and all night. She has just been very low and crying and not talking. I don't think she can find words. I don't think she wants to. I think it is indeed very surreal right now. And I hurt for her, as I do for you and all here who have lost their loves. I only lost a brother, not my life partner. Shan might not want me to say this, but I'm going to anyway because I know she will not. She feels different and cheated because she and my brother only had five yrs of marriage and together just a few yrs more than that. She feels impeded on what to say or even if she belongs here. And IN NO WAY does she feel she lost more. Quite the contrary. She is afraid to talk about it with all of you that she feels this way with fear of offending. She genuinely loves each of you. Shan has an instinct in her from all she's been through all her life that she has to think of others first and is not worthy. That is why she shuts down. I mean she isn't even talking to me now. She was and not now. Fae, Nanny McPhee is an awesome movie. Shannon was a Nanny. I know she needs to watch! Hugs and love!

((((((Hugs)))))) to you Mary, From Mary in CT