R.Everit55

It's almost 1am and I'm wide awake looking at old photos of the boys when they were little. And how young Allen was with them. They really look a lot like their baby sister.

My grandsons at the ocean. Caleb 8 and Noah 11. Caleb is huge almost as tall as his older brother. . Gracie resembles Caleb a lot. And Noah a little.

Thank you all

Karen I guess at some point I'll let the anger go because it festers and I've had heart attacks and surgery and who knows the anger may have contributed it certainly causes depression. They say depression is anger buried inside. I'm sorry you lost your daughter too. I never lost a child that lived. My wife and I had twin girls stillborn and our granddaughters only lived days.

I'm sorry. I didn't want to mark you all more sad. Not my intention. Perhaps I shouldn't have posted it. I apologize humbly. Butch

I didn't know where to put this. Hope it's ok here... My sweet bride... My heart and soul. And well, just so much more. You were my everything for 34 years. The three children we brought into this world, two of which were stillborn but indeed born still in our hearts. Our son grew into an amazing young man. I know how proud of him you were. And how you treasured he and the birth of our two grandsons. You once said these boys are just an extension of Allen and our love for him. A son and two grandsons... A perfect life. That's how you felt. You lived so unselfishly and with all of your heart. I thank you for that. You made me a better man, husband, father, and Grampy. I'm so very sorry that the horrible ALS stole so much of you while you were here and I'm sorry it stole your life from this earthly life. You didn't deserve such suffering. I would have traded places if I could have. But then again I know this grieving heartache and I wouldn't want you to go through that. But I want you here to see Allen with the boys. You'd be so proud. And I want you here to witness our little miracle in Gracelee MaryBeth. Gracie is a true gift from the Lord above. I sometimes believe you were in cahoots with God in sending her to us and being the miracle baby girl she truly is. I think you kissed her head when God sent her here. I know you are holding Lila and Lily who didn't make it here long. Perhaps they were too beautiful to be anywhere but in Gods house in heaven and in turn in their Grammy's arms for eternity. You, my sweet princess, will always remain my reason for breathing. I often become breathless momentarily but gasp and our love is eternal so I keep on breathing. You still are my everything. You are in all I do. All I do for our family. You are in the cries and coos from Gracie. You are in the boys ability to be happy and to learn. You are in my heart with everything I do and all I believe in. You are in our son as he raises his family. You are so proud, I just know it. I tell our boy that all the time. I miss you so much at night when the world is quiet. I still touch your side of the bed and your Little Man still sleeps on your pillows since the day you died. He misses you too. He's a tiny pup but his heart is huge. I miss you so much it hurts more than words most times. But my faith is strong. I go to our church regularly several times a week to pray to you and feel close to you. I light a candle there at least once a week. Thank you for the honor of being the love of my life. Thank you for loving me always. Thank you for giving us an amazing son who I see you in as he raises his own boys and now Gracie. I look at Allen and the boys and Gracie and I see you in all of their faces. What an honor that is. You have gone from this earthly life but you'll always remain. Your sweet loving soul is still here. You'll always be my heart... Always always like I always told you when you were fighting the ALS and told you as I held you in my arms on the night you passed 17 months and 6 days ago. I miss you sweetheart. I love you for an eternity my princess. Your husband, Butch.

There is no set grief roadmap for any of us. Those stages are true but they recycle over and over and not in that particular order as well.

yes Caleb in the water is all healed. Noah is in sand running. They love the beach.

Thank you all so much. Marty I remember Harry. It's been a while since I've seen anything from him. Hope he is well. Thanks for the links.

Absolutely Gwen, the diseases are so cowardly.

I will tell you all that I read daily here so many posts. yet for some reason I still have immense trouble in posting replies to you wonderfully beautiful people. It's like even after 17mos since Mary passed I still rarely find the words for my own grief so it's hard to find words to give to others for some reason even though we all share the same heartache. I think I'm stuck in anger. Not at anyone. But at the disease, ALS, that robbed my bride of so much then took her away from me and my family. It's crazy to be angry at a disease. That disease can't talk back to my anger. So it festers in my soul and I'm sure that's contributed to my depression and health issues. ALL of you here are such beautiful people undeserving of this grief we share. Butch

Kath, welcome to the forum where everyone understands and never judges. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear husband. I lost my wife of 34 years 17 months ago. Posting here has been a beautiful thing because everyone is comforting and non judgmental and truly "gets it". Anyone who claims to be a friend that says senseless things like get over it maybe you need to separate from. True friends will listen and not tell you how to cope or in what timing you should be on. I'm sorry that's happened to you. You are very accepted here and always will be. Everyone is so supportive. Blessings, Butch

My Gracie girl is 15weeks 2days old and is amazing us all as she's doing what every almost four month old does inspite of her prematurity Im one proud Grampy. Though very sad Grammy isn't here to share in this miracle Butch

Said prayers for you at church and lit a candle for George and one for you. Many hugs to you sweet one Butch

In light of the tragedy in Orlando I look at our Gracie and only see innocence and hope. She is a miracle. My heart aches for the families of the murdered and injured. What is this world coming to. Hate has to stop. Our children are the future. My grandsons and granddaughter are our future. But the hate has to end. Or what kind of future will they have. If you have someone to hug or say I love you to then please do it because tomorrow is not promised. As we all know all too well. Peace Butch

Kay you had true love with your George. The way you speak of your tremendous connection is just like me and my Mary. Instant and true soul mates. I'm so sorry you were robbed of so many more years together. My heart aches for you. I had 34 total years with my Mary. I wish I could have given you and George some of our years. Big hugs my friend. ❤️

Let's give warm fuzzy hugs and thoughts and prayers to our KayC as she is such a huge supporter here. June 14 and 19 are special and difficult days for her. The first being her beloved George's birthday and the second being his date of passing. They didn't have as long of a time together yet the time they had meant the world. There is no difference in having many many years together vs only having a few years together. In the end it's all loss and it all hurts as we all know. Big thoughts of support to you dear Kay as you face this difficult time. It being 11 yrs doesn't make anything hurt less. You have all my prayers for comfort. Love, Butch

Thank you all ❤️

Tonight marks 17 months since ALS stole my beautiful bride from me. I look at my son and grandsons and new granddaughter and I see my Mary in all of them. This should and does warm my heart. But at the same time my stomach hurts and my heart breaks because she should be here by my side watching our family grow. I know her job is to hold the twins (ours and our sons twins) she has her arms full in heaven with four babies. I'm jealous of heaven but I know my place is here with our son and the grands. But I'm hurting. And today nothing is easing the pain. My son is hurting too. He misses his momma. He wants her here to see his new daughter. And see his two boys growing bigger. It's just all so bittersweet but today it's much more bitter than sweet. I went to church this morning and lit a candle in Marys memory. I spoke with the Father who married us and who also did the mass for Marys memorial. He also baptized our son and grandsons. He will baptize Gracie in the future. I'm typing this as Gracie sleeps on my lap. I'm sticking extra close to my sweet girl today for comfort. The boys are playing outside. They don't much speak of their Grammy. They do on some days. Im just rambling. My heart feels broken today. Tonight will be hard as I remember her last moments in my arms. I go through this every month on the 9th. I don't know when it gets easier. Maybe not ever. Maybe it's not meant to? Butch. PS. Gracie is just over eight pounds now. Her smiles melt my heart.

She has my heart. Even though my heart aches.

A few pic from a photo shoot while Gracie was still in the hospital and tiny. She's a little princess.

She also dedicated this to me long before out wedding.

http://youtu.be/-X79Jko9bBI