R.Everit55

Thank you all friends. Little Man and I have made it to VA. We are getting a room until morning. I will let you all know or let Kay know when I arrive safely in FL. Love, Butch

Thank you Marty for info to read. I think I've not let myself grieve and have tried to just hold onto my grandsons and Gracie girl with all my might. That is why I want to get away to Florida myself and be alone to think but more importantly feel the things I must confront. I will do that soon I think after I'm certain Allen can keep an eye on my Dad. I suffer a lot of conflicting feelings since Mary died. They must be sorted throughBut on my own. I have talked to my therapist but that is not comfortable for me right now. Alone is better. In a peaceful place such as Florida where we used to visit often.

Thank you. Sorry I'm complaining yet again. My heart hurts so bad. I want to get away to our Florida place we always went together. I just want to be alone. But I don't want to leave the family. I know if I go I may get some peace. I hope I would. I need to talk to Allen about it. I don't want to leave them alone. But they are their little family. They don't need me. Caleb is home from hospital. He's still on breathing treatments regularly. But he's doing better. I may just go to Florida soon to be alone. My heart needs that I think.

I'm sorry that happened today to you Mitch. Sending prayers to you. Butch

Tomorrow night marks 18 months since my love my bride my princess my soulmate my best friend and so much more lost her battle with ALS. A disease that I truly HATE. So much has happened since. Horrible and happy. But I have to say that I have not felt more pain or more loneliness or more grief than I do right now. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like I'm complaining. I look at my grandchildren with a smile on my face but an ache in my soul because their Grammy should be here to witness each blessing. I go to bed at night lately and I cry holding onto her pup Little Man. He sleeps still on her pillow and I'm sure still looks for her. The boys know she's gone but don't fully understand. Gracie will never meet her wonderful Grammy. My heart hurts so much more now than any other time in these 18 months with the exception of when the twins passed on prematurely. I walk in this home and walk through it full of children's voices and Gracie's cries and smiles and half of me is so empty hurting and aching for what should be. And that is my Mary should be in this home doing all she used to do and more. 18 months tomorrow night. I don't want to remember. I don't want any of these memories of ALS stealing her slowly from me and our family. ? Butch

My love 16 years ago How I miss this woman

I think I'm stuck in grief. So overwhelmed right now that I'm numb. That I believe is a protective mechanism because the truth is none of us is capable of coping with the full strength of our grief at once. Or we would in fact die I suppose. Our hearts and minds are constantly trying to protect themselves through dosing or becoming numb because it's too much all at once.

No he's not yet. I posted above about him.

Gracie being adorable

Thank you for asking Gin Caleb is still inpatient with pneumonia and asthma but the pneumonia is clearing up. His breathing is still bad though so he's staying until it gets better. Gracie girl is doing well. She's getting over the bad cold that has afflicted all of us. Allen Katie and Noah still feel rough but are getting through. I feel ok.

Thank you Marita Anne and Kay. I'm having a horrible time of it.

Correction..... depression Hurts

Depression sucks... That is all... ?

Thanks ladies.

All of us have this awful cold now. I'm requesting thoughts and prayers for my eight year old grandson who's been admitted to hospital for pneumonia and asthma. He is requiring IV antibiotics and breathing treatments and prednisone.

I can only offer huge hugs.

I hope I don't catch the awful cold going through the house.

Now Gracie has a fever and a cold. All three grandchildren are sick and my son. Mary would make it all better. But I'm playing nurse.

Gwen I agree after a certain length of time it doesn't get easier. It feels worse.

hugs

My heart hurts ?

It's evening. Why in the evening does the missing and longing cut so deep. More than any other time. i miss my wife. So so much. My chest literally aches. I don't want to be without her. It will be 18 months on the 9th. Yet my heart aches this much. I'm not taking the boys to the fireworks because they are both sick with bad colds and fevers. Allen is too. Praying Gracie doesn't catch it. I was going to have special Grampy time with the boys to escape the holiday. But now we are not going to have that time. I am rambling on. But I can't talk to my Dad. I can't talk to Allen because he's sick taking care of himself and the boys. I just plain simply miss my wife. Though there's nothing simple about it. I'm lonely even though I'm not alone. If that makes any sense. I don't want to lay in our bed anymore with her missing. I don't want to breathe anymore without her. It's hard to breathe without her. I know I'm doing her shame by not being strong. I wish Heaven had a phone. I wish Heaven had stairs so I could visit. Why is it so hard to comprehend this pain. After almost 18 months... Butch

❤️

This song was one of mine and Marys songs. I here it a lot. It hurts to hear songs that "we're ours". But I almost need to listen to them so I don't let go of her and us.

Thank you. My Dad is still wanting solitude and seems angry. He said it's not at me. But I just lost my mom I don't want to lose my dad too.