R.Everit55

Thank you dear Kay and dear Carrie. I've thought of a few additions to this. I'm just too sick at the moment to change it. I have until Thursday.

It will be 8 days in five minutes. I feel like I can't do this. Am I the only one who is counting the days? The hours. I see 11:15 come every night and I just want to go back to eight days ago. I want to go with my wife. I don't know how to be this way. My son came earlier. I literally broke down in front of him. All he did was hug me. I'm weak. I'm supposed to be strong for my boy and his boys. I feel like someone needs to just slap me so I will snap out of this. But there isn't any snapping out of this is there? It's 11:15. It's eight days now. Why can't I wrap my head around this! Kay, yes thank you to you "mother hens" for looking after me. I'm not eating. But I'm drinking. I'm not sleeping. But I'm dozing here and there. 8 days. The service will be this coming Thursday. I am not sure I will have the heart and strength to read all I need to say. My promise was that I would be strong for our boys. I'm losing strength.

All of you are very wise. And so supportive. I thank you so much. I have offers for people to come by, but one, I don't want to pass this nasty flu to anyone. And two, I just feel like being alone for some reason. Allen, is bringing some soup his wife made. I won't let him stay though. I have lots of water, tea, and juice. The only issue is having to go out with Little Man and its 12 degrees out. But I am bundling up extra well and he's really good about doing his business quickly and coming right back in. I'm cuddling with hi m on the sofa still and dozing off and on with the history channel on.

Thank you Ladies... I'm struggling with words again. Hunkered down on the sofa with Little Man. He is finally becoming close to me. Mary was his constant 24/7 companion never leaving her side ever. He even ate a little this morning. Cuddling him. Shedding many tears the last hour which isn't helping my congestion. But I can't help the tears. Sipping tea with honey and lemon. I don't plan on leaving the sofa today. Thank you everyone... Your words truly humble me. ❤️

I can't do this any longer. I'm not strong. I am not the pillar of strength as my plan has been to be. I'm just not anything close to it. I'm weak. I'm not an example to my boy and my grandsons. How can I be when half of my heart and soul has gone away with my wife. How disappointed she must be in me right now. I made promises to her. I said it was okay to go. I said I would be strong for our boys. I said I would make her proud. How I'm failing at that. I went and got myself sick with this flu. I had to send my boys back home to my boy. I promised them a fun filled weekend. I just can't do this. Not with this heartache. My chest hurts literally. And not from this flu. Like it's been ripped apart. It's 4:45am. I'm not crying. I'm just so broken I can't stand it. I'm so sorry for failing my sweetheart. All the pain and grief she suffered losing her brothers and Shannon. All her pain since childhood. The pain of losing our twins girls when Allen was 3. We never spoke of that. Only to each other. And not very often. But I wanted those girls as much as she did. 27 weeks still born. Ava Grace and Abby Hope. They were the sweetest of tiny angels. I believe everyone has a purpose. But what was their purpose? Why did they not get a chance to live. Why were they taken from us. They were our girls. Tiny indeed. But we loved them. We made a place for them shortly prior to losing them. That place was never filled. I had to be a pillar of strength for my love because she was devastated. But so was I. I am. But she was so strong losing so much in her life. And I sit here weak... So weak. Shame on me. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself. But I have lost my sweet love. Her heart stopped next to me with my hand on her heart. Honestly I put my hand on her chest for comfort but secretly in hopes the connection we had would be strong enough for her to stay. Even though I told her it was ok to go. I kissed her head. For the same selfish reason. I just hoped it would make everything better and she could stay with me. My heart my life my strength I world my love. I feel so selfish. God help me I want to be strong. I want to make her proud. I want to keep my promises. I just can't. Not now. I don't even remember the words I typed for her memorial. I try rereading it. It's all my heart... OUR heart. Yet I am weak. I'm sorry I am a miserable complaining mess. Forgive me. Everyone. Forgive me my sweet love. I don't want to fail her like this. I don't. Now I'm still not crying. I want to rip the rest of my heart out and not do this. Not feel this agonizing pain. Not without her.

Thank you for the advice regarding Little Man. I'm keeping to his schedule. I am trying to give him more loving care. But honestly, he won't except it. He sit mainly alone. He isn't sleeping much or eating. I called the vet and he prescribed a small dose of benedryl to help him calm and settle and to help him get sleep. He is curled up against Mary's pillows in bed and actually sleeping. I am not offering anything but his usual food. He gets none of his treats except his usual one for going out and he gets a "sniffer" little bite sized treat when he comes in. That is his routine. I sent the boys back with Allen this evening because I am utterly drained and I appear to have caught the flu. Congestion, fever, headache, body aches, cough, and it's not making my stomach or anything feel good in the least. I'm forcing some soup into me though I don't want anything. I am drinking green tea with lemon and honey. This came on very suddenly... But then again the flu always comes on suddenly as a opposed to a simple cold which comes on gradually. This hit me like I hit a wall. And I miss my wife so deeply. It's a week tonight. And I feel like it's so surreal. I rarely get sick much less the flu. So apparently stress, grief, upset etc... Has just caught up with me. I attached a pic of Little Man finally sleeping. On Mary's side against her pillows... Which I have not changed. So he has her scent.

Thank you Mary and Shalady About to start my day with my little men. Mary I'm glad your colonoscopy is done. I know they are very difficult, the prep and the recovery and the worry when things are found. I also had many polyps found at my last one. The wait is worrisome. But I pray yours too are nothing of concern. Rest. Drink tons of fluids. Butch.

AnneW and Anne.... I offer you both big gentle hugs... ❤️❤️

Really less than an hour of sleep is more than enough for any grieving human! I've got to get myself together soon before the boys wake up. Though they were asleep in the car when they arrived here last night. So the they stayed up later. Little Man is so unsettled and just won't eat. I am going to contact the vet later this morning. I didn't reaalize grief would effect a pup so deeply. He too was laying with Mary when she passed last Friday night. He was always right beside her. His cries are heartbreaking looking for momma.

Thank you Marty dear. I wanted to share some old photos of my wife, myself, Our son Allen and his wife, and our grandsons Noah and Caleb. And some of Shannon and Leo. The order is Shannon, Leo, and Noah... Shannon, Leo, and Caleb... Mary and I... Our son his wife and Noah and they were pregnant with Caleb... Mary and our son... Leo and Mary... Leo and Shannon... Our son his wife Noah and newborn Caleb... Grampy (me) and Caleb... Our son his wife and the boys... Grammy Grampy and our grandsons... Shannon and Leo's wedding with myself and my Bride... Shannon and My Wife... Me and our grandsons.... Noah Tonight... Caleb tonight... My bride many years ago... She and Little Man sleeping... She and Little Man... My Love... Leo... And me and my bride. ❤️

May I ask something. All of this is brand new. Tonight will be 6 days. Is it "normal" to want to be here a lot, to read... And not always really have much to offer... But find some comfort anyway this early in this journey. Sometimes I can post. Sometimes I feel "stupid" for not making sense. Sometimes, I feel out of place. Sometimes I feel comforted. Sometimes, I just cry the last couple days. Thank you to Harry, Marty, Shalady, Anne, Kay, AnneW, Mary, QMary... And anyone else I've forgotten. Just Thank you. To everyone. I may not be here for a while, because I'm taking my grandsons and giving my son a break. And I'm trying to create memories with them as I promised my sweets I would do. Much love, respect, and blessings, Butch.

Shalady, thank you so much dear.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your beloved husband. It's so fresh and new and raw. Your still in shock I suppose. I can relate as I just lost my wife of almost 26yrs January 9th of this year. 6 days ago tonight. Shock, denial, sadness, horrible pain, numbness, disbelief. Is all normal I am being told. My wife was my heart, my life, my everything. Everyone here has lost a spouse, partner, significant other. Some very recently like myself. Some, time has passed. But all of us know this huge loss and grief like no other. People are so welcoming and kind and supportive and loving. Please come here any time to this glorious circle of friends. We will walk this journey beside you with any help we can. Again, I'm so sorry for you loss. I don't think therapy will help me either. I just started yesterday. It will take time, maybe lots of time. But it's worth a shot. Please consider it. No you're not crazy. You suffered a most tremendous loss. Hugs, peace, and blessings to your heart... Butch.

This afternoon was so difficult. I got a draft of what I will be speaking at my loves memorial next week. I have chosen to take Noah and Caleb for the next couple days. Maybe the entire weekend. We will see. But I want to give my Boy time to himself to grieve cry and write what he is going to be speaking at his Mom's memorial. And I just need some happy moments with my little men. They keep this Grampy very busy when we are together. They are at very imaginative ages. It will be good for me, them, and Little Man I hope. The boys went back to school today and had a rough time. So they will stay with me tomorrow. Allen is dropping them off here shortly. So hopefully this will be a positive thing. These two boys are my treasures. ❤️❤️

Thank you Anne, Fae, AnneW It came out of me so quickly. In a weeks time, it will probably be amended some. As I digest and let it sit with me. I feel like i could go on and on and on endlessly because I don't want the day to come. I mean I don't want it to feel final. Yet it is final. She isn't here on earth any longer. Acceptance is so gruelingly painful, numbing, exhausting..... I am forcing fluids in me. I've rather neglected that today. And so many tears have fallen. An entire river. I tried some soup, but only had a few bites. Going to take Little Man for a walk. And try to get him eating. He seems to be having the same hard time eating. Poor baby. He's so little anyway. He absolutely needs to eat.

I went and posted it under Honering A Loved One section below.

I stand here speaking to honor the most gracious, giving, loving, selfless, amazing love of my life. I can only pray that she hears us all today. I also stand here as a pillar of strength for our son and two grandsons. They are now my life and world. Just as they have always been for almost 27years, almost 7years, and 9 1/2years. My boys. OUR boys. My life was forever changed from the first time I laid my eyes on Mary 34years ago in college. She was a freshman, me a senior. I remember her very first words to me. In the most angelic perfect voice I've ever encountered. I asked her out immediately. And we dated for 8years and had a child together before marrying on this alter, in this church, by the same Father Tony who speaks here today. April 30, 1989, this beautiful lady made me the proudest man because our hearts were joined as one. Our gorgeous son was 13mos old that amazing day. It was such a culmination of pure utter everlasting love. She had given me the most precious baby boy and then she stood here in this church, locking eyes with mine and made promises to me that never once did she break between that beautiful day to January 9 this year when our Lord took her back to Heaven. I must say, I feel rather selfish as today my heart is utterly broken, for my beloved princess no longer lives here in the earthly way, but now flies free with the Angels above. I truly believe in my heart that our Lord puts us here on this earth for a purpose, to serve a specific purpose, even if while we are here we don't know that purpose. Yes, my beautiful wife was taken back from us, but our God is good all the time. Therefore, He knew that she served her purpose, and it was her time to go back to His arms. Many may be thinking "how cliché". No one need believe in what I believe and what my beautiful wife believed. I don't expect people to. Mary had a purpose. Many of them. She lived so unselfishly. Every day of her life. Her family meant absolutely everything to her. And by no means did she have to be to so selfless. She could have been a pained angry soul but she chose not that route. She suffered much trauma as a very young child with her siblings. Physical, sexual, and emotional abuse and neglect. Thankfully, she and her siblings were adopted out. Sadly, though, not together. But in time they were all in touch and in each other's lives. Their bond was so strong. I must now look to her Mom and Dad who were amazing enough to adopt her and raise her with love. Thank you both for raising an amazing woman. For instilling love, confidence, faith, and respect in her. I thank you on her behalf for allowing her communication with her siblings. Sadly in June of 2004 her big brother Samuel "Ziggy" passed away from heart failure, diabetes that was all hereditary. He was just 43. She was a huge caretaker for him for many weeks and months, along with the help from his twin brother Leo. The bond they shared was indescribable. Leo had the same health ailments as his twin, only delayed. Through heart bypass surgery, multiple heart attacks and strokes, he fought and fought. Mary was by his side unselfishly the entire way. As was his wife Shannon. They lost Leo in May of 2013 at age 52. Mary was crushed at the losses of both her big brothers. While Leo was fighting for his life, his loving wife was diagnosed with Lymphoma. She was not just Mary's SIL... She was our sister. Plain and simple. No "in law" title. My Mary was so devoted to caring for her siblings. She was very stubborn in a good way. I never questioned her devotion. Even when I saw how exhausted she became at times, I never stood in her way. I saw in her eyes that devotion and really, who could ever stand in the way of what one could see in the eyes of another, after all the eyes are the windows to the soul. I saw that caring for Shannon really was wearing Mary down, following the passing of Leo. Still she kept on selflessly. And I supported her. Ultimately, Shannon lost her battle with The Cancer in September 2013. We believed in our heart of hearts that she could have survived if not for her broken heart in losing her love, Leo. Mary began having some concerning issues with balance and weakness, even before Leo passed. As well as heart issues, the same as her big brothers. Drs thought it was diabetic related and also diagnosed Parkinson's and MS. She was medicated for both these diseases. Some time passed and she was very swiftly losing muscle tone, speech, and movement. We returned to supposedly top rated physicians only to be told they misdiagnosed MS and it was now ALS she was facing and most likely been facing for a couple of years. I took her out of the nursing home and had her home. I refused to miss any time that she had left on this earth. It tore at our hearts. It tore at my heart to witness this angry disease steal her movement, her ability to eat, her ability to speak, and eventually her ability to breath. However, none of what this illness was robbing her of prevented our own communications. She was my soulmate. She was my heart. My world. My breath. Even though this ugly disease imprisoned her mind, heart, and feelings in her completely immobile body, we didn't needs words. Her eyes met mine and I knew how she felt. I knew the words her body was incapable of voicing. Her last moments in this earthly life were quiet. But in no means were misunderstood by our family. On the night of January 9th I told her to shut her eyes and just listen to our son. Then to me. I held her hand. I held my hand on her heart. I rested my head with hers. I told her if she needed to go, it is okay. She closed her eyes. And I felt her heart slow to a stop. At 11:15pm. I did not move. I laid with her quiet. It was indeed okay. She had earned her journey back to her Lord's arms. That is where she is now while we are here with grief in our hearts. I must say that I feel like half of my heart and soul has gone away with her. My beautiful Angel is once again though with her brothers and sister. And I'm jealous of Heaven. Mostly because the Angels all have my Angel now. And she is now able to hold our twin girls, whom went to Heaven at 27weeks gestation in 1991. What glorious time it must be in Heaven now. And how very much sweeter has Heaven become with her return there. I will forever hold my promise to her to live for our son and two grandsons and protect them with all the love that both she and I have for them. My sweet wife, the love of my life... Fly high free above, and never doubt my undying love. Now, I invite our son to speak for himself and his two sons.

I did it. I wrote what I plan to say at the church. I don't know how I just did it. I just began and it came out. I hope it is worthy of her honor and memory. I don't know if I should share it here. My heart hurts now a lot. However, there is a sense of peace after writing. I called the Father who is facilitating the memorial. I will have her ashes to me by Tuesday. I told him I would like this memorial to be next week. So he will be calling back to plan the day. Father Tony is the man that married us 26yrs ago April. It means the world that he is the one who will be there. He helped Mary and I through much grief after losing her brothers and Shannon. Sadly, her little sister in Maryland cannot travel up here. Her health is too grim with the same cardiac issues as Mary, Leo, and Ziggy. Marty... May I share what I wrote for the memorial? I don't want to trigger anyone. I know there is enough grief here. I guess I should be asking everyone. Butch.

Anne, That image of hope is wonderful. I take comfort in reading everyone's posts. It is a real struggle to find my own words to post. My heart hears everyone else's words and honestly is quite humbling and comforting. In spite of all these tears that won't shut off. Tonight will be six days. The tears are new and like a torrential downpour.

Harry, Thank you. The memorial service will be at the Catholic Church where Mary and I were Wed at. The priest who is going to reside for the service is the same one who performed our wedding, 26yrs ago this April. He is one of the most kind human beings myself and my beloved ever met. She particularly counted on him in the loss of our pregnancy, the loss of Ziggy and Leo, and the loss of Shannon. Now he is of a great comfort to myself. He will have a eulogy of his own. I will speak as well my son and anyone else who chooses to. At this moment, I can't write what I will speak. The tears are too much. I'm trying my very hardest to start it soon and to accomplish it to honor my Angel. I believe once I start it, it will just all pour out the way my heart wants it to.

I just typed so much and it somehow once again went away like that. You'd think I would have learned that lesson... I can't repeat it all. I am struggling. The simplest sound, the look at something, the cries of Little Man, one look at our boys... Our son and grandsons... Start an absolute river of tears. Reading all your words here, hearing the strength, the fears, the hope, the friendships, and bonds that none of us wish we had... Though the most amazing bonds ever. Humbles my heart. I feel so weak. I agree, honestly, is it not enough that we have lost our best friends, soul mates, our partners in life... But also we must feel as though half of our being, heart, and soul has vanished with our beloved. It actually amazes me how I am still able to breathe. I suspect I'm not alone in this. I cannot write the eulogy I must write... Not right now. I have to get myself more together than this. I literally am a mess. And the guilt is strong. I see hope here though, in the midst of so much heartache. I thank each and every one of you for that glimpse of hope. Butch

The first song was our wedding song... Our First Dance. The other is a song Mary found after Leo passed and Shannon loved it and so do I. It's a beautiful song to honor a loved one. ❤️❤️

I don't see anyone else writing it. Things they don't know or don't have feelings about. Specifics of her heart soul and personality. How selfless she was. In caring for others before herself. I've decided to talk about how she cared for Ziggy, Leo, and Shannon and never gave up. I don't care if certain people believe that she threw herself into Leo and Shannon's care and therefore she didn't live as long. Anyhow, I just need to write it all myself. I knew her better than anyone. I understood her best. Through thick and thin. In sickness and health. I knew her heart and what was in it always. Without words. We shared an amazing son. Were blessed with two amazing grandsons. We lost. More specifically SHE lost and I walked with her. WE lost two little ones, Twins, before term, at 27 weeks gestation when Allen was three years old. An event that broke both our hearts and something never brought up by others... Only each other. I will get it written. The memorial is not set yet and it will most likely be later towards February than sooner. Allen isn't going to help me because he has to focus on writing his own. He is very articulate though. It's just so hard with a head and heart so jumbled in shock and overwhelmed. It's 5am. I dozed a little. But made myself just stay in bed so at least maybe my body could rest. A little funny... I wanted to lay on Mary's pillows. I wanted to snuggle with her side of the blankets. It turned into an all out tug of war between Little Man and myself for Mary's side. He HAD to lay on her pillows. He HAD to roll his tiny little self up in her side of the blankets. It was hard to do both at once. So he took her pillows and then I TRIED to take her side of the blankets. Nope. He HAD to then pull them from me. Then I tried to cuddle her pillows. Nope. He pulled them from me. :-). I was beat by a tiny canine! It was actually funny. It turned into playtime. But he really was serious. He wanted it all to himself. She was HIS momma. And I let him win of course. I even chuckled a bit. Bless his little heart. He misses her so much. Thanks for always listening... Harry, you speak so very eloquently about your Jane and your journey since she passed. I'm very sorry you are without her earthly body. I can imagine how proud she is of you and how you have gone on without her. I can say that about everyone here. Blessings to all of your hearts. Butch

Thank u all I managed to stop the tears long enough today, with much difficulty, to go through photos and music for a memorial service dated sometime in the next couple weeks. After I get her ashes back. The photos were immensely painful to look through, yet so surreal in doing so. Particularly of when we first met, our wedding, the birth of our son, and our grandsons. The music brought back strong memories. Songs from our wedding. Our first dance. I must write a eulogy and that is something that seems an I possible challenge. I have all the feelings in my heart, but putting them to words... I just don't know how I will do it. Anyhow, tonight the tears are back again. And with a terrifying emptiness and fear. I can't honestly describe. I just know that this is the beginning of a journey I question whether I have enough strength to walk. I saw my new therapist today. It is hard to go there and not have many words. I'm beyond exhausted. I am going to take Little Man and lay down in our bed that I've not yet laid in since her passing 5nights ago. It will not seem right. But I have to try and I must try to shut my eyes and find some comfort there for it was our place... And ours alone. Little Man needs comfort too. He's so lost without his Momma. I am drinking lots of tea and water. Food is something that is not a priority for me right now. I know it should be. Hopefully that will improve in some time. Butch

I have lost all words. And the tears seem to have found me after four days since my love gained her wings. I am speechless, helpless, and lost. I am not one to cry. Yet here I am sobbing. I am the one to fix things. I can't fix anything now...