R.Everit55

Amy, I'm so very sorry. I lost my darling wife January 9th of this year. She was a romantic. She did things like that quite often through our years. Remembered the little moments. Not significant to others. But to us, so important. Hugs to you. Butch

I am struggling with so much. Tomorrow is the saddest day 24 years ago that mine and Mary's hearts were shattered... More than that... Hopes, dreams, futures, love... So much lost when we lost our twins baby girls at 27 weeks gestation. I have honestly never quite dealt with that as I vowed to be strong for her that day in my heart and hold her up. As well as be a strong Daddy to our Son. And so that is indeed what I did. I loved like our world depended on it. I don't know why God took our little ones from us before it was their time to be able to fight and live on their own. And I don't question God even now. They were meant to be Angels together. And that they were and are. April 30th would be our 26th wedding anniversary. And I feel like I am letting her down. For a reason I cannot find words yet to say here. Almost 35 years together and almost 26 years married. A beautiful son... Two beautiful grandsons... And two tiny baby girls who are resting in Mary's arms in Heaven. Yet I am letting her down. I feel like a coward. And I am ashamed. That's all...

I came here. Now words escape me. I have questions. I have guilt. I have failed my wife. Also today is a special day... April 30th is a very special day. Yet I'm failing my wife. I can't find the words. Butch

Hi friends I just got home this morning from four days in hospital. I was having lots of angina palpatations and fell. I don't remember falling. I don't remember the ambulance ride. Diagnosis is Atrial Fibrillation. Severe tachacardia. Heart rates beyond 240. Was started on digoxin and another beta blocker. Had several episodes while inpatient as well. But stable the third day with normal heart rhythms. So tomorrow night will be 3 months since my my Mary slipped away. Why does it still feel so sureal... And why am I just falling apart physically. I have always been healthy except some BP issues. This is so hard without her. She isn't by my side. I still feel like she is "just away". I know logically this is not true. I NEED to go back to work. I NEED to for my sanity. And I have orders that I may not. Not until things are stable for a while. Butch.

I had to chuckle Mary(mfh) at the meager amount of snow you got this winter. Here in the northeast we got more than about six feet. And it's snowing this morning. I'm sorry it has been five years for you. While I cannot imagine that length of time, I am sending prayers your way. QMary, I'm sending prayers for your sister and you and your family. Goodness... I just realized I am replying to two Marys. I sure miss my sweet sweet Mary... Butch

Kay, I assure you that your happiness was indeed George's. I assure you that because Mary's happiness was mine. Brnagn53, the same goes for you and your husband. I'm so sorry... ❤️ Butch

I realize you're referring to my physical heart... Cardiac wise. Its a struggle adjusting esp to these new meds. However, my heart... Is broken and I simply cannot fix it nor do I believe any longer that it will ever be unbroken without my wife...

I'm struggling. I simply cannot cope...

It's 5am here. I've been awake for two days with very few naps. I'm still not feeling right from my stent placement and the blood clot ordeal following it. But I'm on three heavy duty cardiac meds. As far as the fear... I'm just all over the place. Fear, anger, tears, heartache, guilt, questioning, replaying the events with her ALS and all the other health issues, and how in the world she had the strength to literally throw herself into caring for Leo and Shannon. And how maybe she would still be here had she not thrown herself into their care. But I couldn't stop her. She was as stubborn as she was loving. It's like I'm just trying to understand or go back like somehow it will make her be here still. How insane am I.... Then I beat myself up for thinking like a child. I'm wiped out. Just wiped out. Our anniversary is April 30th. I don't want that day to come. I'm rambling...

Dear Mitch, I'm so sorry for the loss of your dear Tammy. It is not your fault. You, like myself, were a truly devoted most loving husband to your wife. I lost my wife, Mary, 11 weeks ago Friday night. She too had many health issues, fibromyalgia, lupus, heart disease, kidney disease, Parkinson's, but it was ALS that stole her from me on Jan 9. I was by her side through so many hospital and nursing home stays, caring for her twin brothers who passed on nine years apart age 43 in 2004 and age 52 in 2013 and our SIL age 40 in 2013. She pushed and cared selflessly for them through her own illnesses. I just stood by her and took care of her. Her ALS was misdiagnosed late and we didn't have much time before it began stealing vital pieces of her physically. But her soul, heart, spirit, and love never did change. Like it sounds like with your dear Tammy... She fought and her spirit and love never faltered. YOUR care and devoted love never faltered. I feel that in reading your story. My heart feels that because I never faltered for my sweet wife. Yet still today, the guilt haunts me. The questions, the things I should have known sooner. The things I didn't sense as close our bond of love and soul connection was. I still feel I failed. It's all new raw fresh. You will feel these things. Every one of us here who have lost their love of their life feels that way too. At 19 days, 77 days, three months, six months, five years, or ten years. Our feelings are just that... Ours. Of course we feel responsible. How can we not? However, it was beyond our control. And as far as realistically, there really is no realism in such profound grief. Our hearts are shattered. I hope I make sense. I apologize if I dont. I'm not here that often right now. Words are still very hard for me to find. Think about asking your dr for a referral to a grief therapist. And perhaps an anti depressant or anti anxiety to help you through. Drink a lot of water, eat small meals. Rest as you can... Even if it's not sleep... Just rest your body. Caring for our spouse... Or anyone... WILL catch up to us. It has many here including myself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Even if you don't or can't believe in prayer... I do. So I will keep you there... I do everyone here. Please forgive my long winded reply. This is all new to me too. And my heart feels for you. So many here will listen and reply better than myself. Everyone is on the same journey... Different places, different time frames... But the same grief road. Be gentle with yourself. Peace to your heart, Butch.

Harry, Forgive the lateness of my reply. I'm glad you're feeling better from the flu. As for Hank, he's in my prayers. Cdiff is horribly awful and very dangerous. Highly contagious as well. My Mary had it, her brother and our sister in law all had it and it was very detrimental. Though when put on something like Flagyl, it does get better. Unfortunately even though it is gone... Once you've had it... It is always "lurking" in you and can recur easily. I'm glad his temp is down and I send my thoughts and healing wishes for the pneumonia as well. Butch

I apologize for not being here for a while. I have had heart issues to be dealt with then a complication. So I'm recovering. But I just haven't been able to be here, to read anything, to find words for anyone, I cannot find words for myself yet. It's been 72 days and one hour since my princess was taken by ALS. I have been numb, deeply pained and sad, to angry... So angry, to numb, and now just afraid. What is fear? Why am I locked in fear? I HAVE NO IDEA... None. I feel I've gone nowhere but backwards. I can't find feelings. I can't find reasons. I feel fear. I feel it overwhelmingly so. And I just cannot grasp the WHY. So now I feel more afraid. And more numb...vacant... Lost... 72 days and I should be better, I should be not feeling like it just happened, I should be able to express all this better... I cannot. I'm going backwards. I'm afraid. What would Mary think of me. How weak and disappointing I am to her. Butch

Thank you so much Kay, Anne, Fae, Marty, Shalady, and Carrie. I pretty much slept through my birthday. Obviously recovering from heart surgery and it's complications. But I think purposely shutting it out because I do not want anymore birthdays without my Princess. However, I share my day with my youngest grandson... He turned seven. It seems only yesterday it was his first birthday. And my other grandson will be TEN!!!!!!! On June 20th. Thank you for the greetings.

Kay, I honestly don't know... Angry at her pain grief and losses... Angry at reading all the pain from my sweetheart... Angry at reading all the pain from reading Shannon's losses... Though I knew all the pain... But reading it just makes me angry... Maybe solidifies it all more. I don't know. I feel so inadaquate. And I feel so wordless right now... Just angry... And sorry... I'm off to the Drs in a bit. Even though we just got 8 inches more snow. And it's still coming down. Will let you know how it goes.

Marty, That is an amazingly heart warming story of courage, grief, support, and undying love. I teared up... Though my beloved didn't lose a spouse or children... She lost her siblings and we lost a child before that child had a chance to live. Yet Mary's courage through it all was so brave and strong. But now since her passing, I wonder how much help and comfort I was to her in her losses. Which were mine as well. Thinking...... Butch

Marty, Interestingly enough I just posted in one of my threads... That I've been reading off and on slowly... My Mary's old posts, and Shannon's old posts. And I am angry. I loved my wife through her losses. I did. And now she too is gone. I'm angry... I started reading this post... I will continue later. Thank you for sharing... Butch

Hi. I've been slowly reading Mary's posts. I've been slowly reading Shannon's posts. And I just have to say one thing. I'm angry... Plain and simple... I'm angry. Actually there isn't really anything simple about it. But I'm angry...

Thank you Ladies... First, I do Promise to see the Dr. I have never "done" Drs for myself very well. But I will make an appointment as soon as I post this. I've had cardiac issues... Minor angina, some hypertension... In recent years. But tests a few years back were clear. Have just been on hydroclorothiazide since for moderate hypertension. So maybe with grief, exhaustion, eating little etc... Things have changed. I will let you know. Thank you for your words of wisdom... And by wisdom, I mean your hearts experiences. And "allow yourself to be where you are". That's so hard for all of us I think. We want to go back. We want to have a "do over". At least I do. Though sadly it wouldn't change the outcomes. And it's hard too to allow to be where you are... Because it just plain hurts so badly. Thank you all. I am going to call Dr right now. Hopefully for an appointment in a couple days. We are getting more snow, rain, ice, and freezing rain. We got another foot of snow the other night. There is no more room. Love and hugs, Butch

Does anyone feel like they just can't walk this journey? That's where I am at. My chest hurts. Physically. Everything is a pure fog. Everything is a struggle. Everything. She was my wife, my heart, my very world. I couldn't protect her. Half of me is gone. I'm lost. My chest literally hurts so bad. I don't know what's normal anymore...

Valerie, Bless you. I'm so sorry for your loss. And yet taking time to reply to me. My prayers are with you.

Thank you. So very much. My heart hurts so much right now. I just can't escape it. But reading your thoughts and caring helps... It does. So thank you.

Please accept my sincere sympathies on the loss of your beloved wife. I can whole heartedly relate. I lost my beloved wife 49 days ago last night to many health issues... But the cause was ALS. We were together 34 yrs since meeting in college. I am struggling so much right now. So my words may be few but my heart is with you. I read your post with tears. Because my heart heard and felt your broken heart. It's all new and fresh. And the future is so seemingly impossible to see. I know. I know. So many others here know. We are all on different journeys... Different time periods, yet we all feel the same thing... Grief of overwhelming proportions. We have a 27 yr old son and two grandsons 9 and 6. They are my world. They are what keeps my heart beating. I pray that you have family and that you are not alone. Though you have lost your heart, your partner, your beloved sweetheart... I know... And alone seems to be the overwhelming feeling, even when others are with us. You aren't alone here. So many here will hear and listen and understand. Please be gentle with yourself. Please concentrate on keeping hydrated, getting little meals in, and rest as much as possible... I know so well that sleep is so rare. My heart offers you prayers of comfort. I'm so very sorry. Peace to your broken heart... Butch

Hi friends. First, let me apologize for not being here. For old friends, and new comers on this grief journey. My heart has been here. My voice and words have not. I'm struggling. Later tonight... Friday... Is seven weeks, 49 days... Since my beloved lost her battle with many health issues... But ALS... A very angry disease. My heart is in so many pieces, and the pieces seem to be getting more jumbled up and some just lost or hiding and seemingly impossible to ever get back together. I've quite honestly been in a seclusion from people and things as of late. Still having concussion repricussions off and on. All this frigid weather and five feet of snow. It's brutal on the spirit and emotions. Not being able to work yet. I feel like seven weeks I should somehow be "getting on with it" "getting over it" "snapping out of it" as my siblings and parents keep pushing upon me. My son is so strong for his wife and his boys. My three guys are everything, but I'm even withdrawing from them. My grandsons they are 9 and almost 7 ... They were our world... They are my world. Mary and I were their world. They loved their Grammy. I feel as though I'm letting everyone down. But how can one live with a heart in utter shattered pieces? My princess, my love, my heart, my other half of me... Truly believed and never let go of the "With God All Things Are Possible" and "God is good all of the time"... Those were her mottos... Through life, through her siblings loss, through Shannon's loss... Immense grief. Through her illness, through our love, and even through her death. Always believing. Yet I struggle to believe. I promised her I would believe. I promised her I would watch our son and our grandsons. I promised to not let her down. Yet I am. I have. I don't know where the road will lead me anymore. Half of me half of my very heart and soul is missing. I am seeing a therapist. I'm on some meds. But honestly, intrusive thoughts of giving up come into play. I promised her I would never give up. I'm not saying I will act on those thoughts. I would never do that to our son to our grandsons. I'm unable now to sleep in OUR bed. I can't bear the cold emptiness on her side. I wake and reach and she's not there. Even with Little Man laying there on her pillow. I am staying on the sofa... With the tv on or music on. I can't take the quiet. I feel so broken. I feel so guilty. I am letting my princess down. I'm breaking promises I made to her. Ones I made seven weeks ago later tonight as I held her and she looked at me eyes meeting... Tears coming from her eyes... Of happiness and of love. Yet I'm letting her down. Our incredible bond and connection was never so strong in simple silence minutes before she breathed her last breath. I want to have that once again. If only for a minute. To kiss her head, her cheek and hold her close with my hand on her heart feeling it as she flew to Heaven. But still not moving an inch just continued to hold onto her. I've not stopped listening to this song... One played at her memorial. It makes me feel closer. But so not close enough. I remember still her voice even though for quite a while before she passed, her ability to talk was robbed by ALS. But her voice is fading just a bit. That terrifies me. If the day comes when I cannot remember her sweet voice, I don't know how my heart could live with that. I'm sorry. For struggling. When I should be strong. I'm sorry for everyone on this journey. I'm sorry for all the new comers who have arrived here. Wherever you are on this journey... I am truly sorry. Butch

Thank you Kay... I'm going to try to post...

It's been one month and three days exactly. I'm crying so much tonight. It's like a torrential downpour of emotions. And I don't even know WHAT emotions. It's so hard to see all of her things. Though I don't think I could ever move them. It's hard to smell her scent... Her perfume still. I refuse to wash her pillow cases because I don't want her scent to leave. For myself and for Little Man. My heart is just so heavy and alone. Yet that's where I know my beloved resides... If that makes any sense.