R.Everit55

Yesterday was utterly unbearable. I did okay speaking. Until I began talking about our twin baby girls who were stillborn in 1991. That event NEVER hit me so hard. Never ever. I don't have my beautiful life partner to share that with. I could not finish my speaking... Our son had to come up hold my hand and read the rest as I just stood sobbing. I DO feel like I failed. My wife, our angel girls in heaven, and our son. I'm still sick. I'm absolutely eating nothing. I try and the thought of it turns my stomach and brings that lump of grief to my throat. So I've just been laying down. It's all I can do.

Hi. I Am quite honestly in shock and cannot find words. Yesterday went differently than I thought. So much harder than I though. For more reasons than I thought. Tonight will be two weeks at 11:15. Why can't I find words. Why can't I think straight. And why can't I cry...

Here I am awake at 4:21am. Numb. In less than 6hrs Her memorial will be happening. I don't know where my strength went. It has just picked up and left. Hiding somewhere. I don't want to face these people. I don't want to hear the I'm so sorrys or she's in a better a place or she lived a long life. A long life? She had so many many years and decades to live. I just want to stay here alone under the covers quite honestly. I'm scared. But I've got to get it together and snap out of this for everyone.

So my son got her ashes today. My heart is everything all at once... Numb, in shock, sad, broken, sick, empty, lonely, petrified... Father Tony came this afternoon. He will speak first on Thursday. Then I will. And my son will come up should I completely fall apart and can't finish reading everything I wrote to say and he will finish reading it. But I will try my darnedest to make my beautiful angel proud and get through it. I'm exhausted. I just took my antibiotic, a benedryl, cough syrup, and a nausea pill with a little chicken soup. And am going to try to lay down. I think I need some ibuprofen because the fever and pain are still holding on. Oh, and I received a letter today from Shannon's therapist before she passed who also helped Mary on many occasions. She will be at the service Thursday. Goodnight from Little Man and I. Hopefully to sleep a good while. Even though my heart is heavy.

I'm feeling like I'm walking around in someone else's nightmare. It all feels so surreal. I keep jumping from that feeling to just utter heartbreak and tears. I managed to sleep for a four hr stretch. I think the nausea med helps. My anxiety is off the charts this morning. If you don't hear from me much right now, it's because I'm sick, and the service is quickly approaching in two days. I feel very overwhelmed. Thank you all for the support. I will post again when I can. Most likely sometime following Thursday.

Thanks. I'm feeling so sick. I slept a couple hours. I dropped a glass. I stepped on sweet Little Man. I accidentally deleted a few emails somehow. I'm a walking disaster. I'm coughing so hard now. My chest hurts so bad. I really am not a good sick patient. Thank goodness I dont get sick often. The nausea med is making me knocked out. My son is picking up Mary's ashes tomorrow. Father Tony is visiting as well tomorrow. Going back to lay down. Actually half sitting up to relieve this coughing. God bless. Goodnight.

Oh Carrie Dear, that is so sweet. Thank you so very much! ❤️ Kay, I ended up going to the ER about 5 this morning. Just got home. I have the flu. But also have two ear infections. Which is probably why I've been vomiting. So I'm on an antibiotic, ear drops, and he gave me some nausea medication as well. So now I HAVE to eat when taking antibiotic three times a day. I haven't had ear infections since I was a young boy! Praying I feel better by Thursday. Not looking forward to tomorrow. Getting my loves ashes back. Got Father Tony coming tomorrow to talk about Thursday. My heart....

The service is Thursday at 10am. I am petrified. That I won't be able to say all I need and want to say without falling to pieces.

Thank you Shalady. ❤️

Kay, Thank you for your always constant prayers. The service is at 10am Thursday. I am so terrified of it. There's a difference between falling to pieces in our own home. The thought of losing it in front of people who cared and loved her, scares me. I am supposed to be the strong one. I read what I have wrote to say, which I've added to, and my heart about stops. I don't know if it will be possible to keep it together enough to speak what I need to say. I hope and pray that if I can't get through it our son or DIL or one of my brothers or someone will come up and stand by me and help finish if I cannot finish. I want to say it all myself because I want my beautiful love to be proud of me. I hope this flu is relieved some by then. I have now been vomiting some as well. I think because of all the crap going into my stomach. I'm tying to keep as hydrated as possible. I will call the Dr tomorrow if I am still vomiting and coughing so much. We've just gone from single digits here to a warm front with very strong winds currently and 52 degrees with rain starting soon. Poor Little Man is so small and that wind gusts have got to be about 30-40 mph. I don't want him blowing away. My heart is hurting tonight... It just doesn't let up, this grief does it? I am in our bed this evening. Little Man is snuggle as close as he can possibly get to Mary's pillow... He keeps doing circles and trying to get even closer. This pup is so connected to his Momma. I will not wash her pillow cases until absolutely necessary so he will have her smell. I will email you or I will post here Thursday when I can later in the day afterwards. Hugs, Butch.

Bless your heart dear Fae, I commend you for taking on the third Angelversary of your Doug's passing with such grace and positivity.

Thank you Marty for thinking of me. I've had to read this quote several times. This tremendous grief really is making my mind foggy.

Thank you Elly I'm so sorry for your loss of your beloved husband. Peace to your heart. Butch

Hi Rob. I'm so very sorry for the loss of your beautiful soulmate. You are in the right place. There are many here who have lost their own beloved soul mates. I am so new to this. I just lost my soulmate and most beautiful amazing wife on January 9th. Please forgive me for I wish I had the right words to say to comfort you. Just know you have found the right place for support and caring and comfort. Many have comforted me in the 8 1/2 days since my beautiful Mary went to Heaven. Many are further along in their grief journey. Many have grief very fresh and new. But all here will listen. And all here will open their hearts to you. Please read when you can. Please post as often as needed... You will be heard here. My wife's memorial service is this Thursday. I'm still very much in shock. The pain is unimaginable unless one has lost their soulmate and life partner. You have my condolences and many prayers for comfort. One day one hour one minute at a time. That's all we can do. Peace to your heart... Butch

Dear Fae, I'm so sorry you are approaching three years without your love, Doug. I'm glad you had him home in your own bed in his final days. I know how precious that time and connection is. Hugs, Butch

My heart hurts more than I ever EVER could possibly envision. I thought on Jan 9th before she passed and when she passed that I knew the extent of heartache. I was so wrong. This is absolutely unbearable. Witnessing her swift decline was so painful. I thought when she inevitably gained peace that all that pain would subside some. And I'm not saying it isn't a comfort to know she is free from suffering. But really the heart hurt is so much deeper than I imagined it would be. I have talked to her. I have prayed to her. That she hear me. That she give me a sign that she is okay. That she sees me. That she forgives me for inability to save her or erase her fears and pain. That it is okay to not be strong. Because I am not strong right now. My heart hurts. My chest hurts. My gut hurts with grief. Sadness. Is this pain a witness to my immense undying love and devotion to her? If this agony is a testimony to our love and devotion, that will never end... So I question will this pain ever end. I'm so lost, I don't even know how much sense I'm making...

Hi Jo I wish I could answer your question. And give advice. But I'm new to this... My darling wife passed eight days ago. I can offer prayers hugs and hope for peace in your heart. Butch

This thread breaks my heart. I see I posted this on Christmas Day. I didn't even realize. And these short days later... It's all such a blur. I just want to go back and save my love. But I don't think her last days that I would change anything. It all went so fast. But our connection never failed. I wouldn't want that any other way than having the unspoken connection of our hearts.

There a few songs that will be played Thursday. Our wedding song... "Just You and I". And this song... Which I believe applies to all of us here who have loved and lost... ❤️

I song I found. I think it's appropriate for all of us... ❤️ It will be played at Mary's memorial Thursday.

Anne dear, What a beautiful writing to and about your Benji boy. Big hugs ❤️ Butch

I found Mary's profile and Shannon's too. I read some of their posts. My heart breaks for their pain. I am glad I am the one here with this grief and pain, rather than them. They had enough. Too much. Shannon and Leo... I can't believe still that they are gone and now my wife. I see in posts how very much so many of you loved and supported them. I cannot thank you enough. I know it meant everything to them. I'm glad they are all together now. I feel so loved too being here. Thank you a million times over... ❤️

Thank dear heart

Dear Anne, I'm sorry for the loss of you're precious fur baby. I'm not sure when or how you lost Benji. But I'm very sorry. Bless your heart. ❤️ Butch

Hi Anne With this rotten flu, the most I'm doing is lots of water juice and green tea with honey and lemon. I got a little bit of soup in me my son brought over earlier. I've literally not left the sofa with Little Man all day. I'm just dozing... Coughing... Dozing blowing my nose... And right now I just don't want to lay in our bed without my wife. Yes I've thought of some additions to what I will say Thursday but with this flu, I haven't gotten it down yet. But I will the next few days. I'm actually going to get up now, put some Vicks on my throat and chest and sit in a steamy bathroom to help this congestion. Little man is doing better but he's really attached to me now. He was never much attached to anyone my his Momma... She's gone now and I think he senses my upset and grief and is now my little shadow and snuggle bug. I'm glad I have him. He carries Mary in him and always will. ❤️