R.Everit55

Dear Missing.  I'm so very sorry for your loss of your husband.  Come here often there are so many here to listen love and grief with.  It may be impossible to see the future now but eventually you will.  I can't tell you when.  You have my thoughts and prayers.  And hugs. 

Butch. 

I'm really struggling.  I can't shake it.  I'm in therapy.  I'm on meds.  But I can't get past this struggling.  I saw the boys and Gracie girl last night and today.  But it's such a struggle to smile for them.  I don't know how to struggle.  I don't know how to be weak.  I don't know how not to be there for my son and grandchildren.  I'm just existing.  And it hurts.  ?

Butch

Anne thank you for posting. And thanks to all of you for the love and support.  This is a tough one. 

Happy belated birthday dear Kay.  You're my rock so much of the time and here I went a missed your special day.  Forgive me.  Much love to you sweet friend. ❤️

Butch

Thank you.  We are headed down tomorrow for the weekend.  

This is my reason for my sanity... Gracie is a little monkey butt ?

Thank you.  She lives in Maryland so it's a big drive from CT.  I don't know if maybe Allen and I will go down.  Probably.  He's got to work out stuff at work to be able to go.  

I thank you again for the prayers.  ❤️

I'm asking for fervent prayers as my Mary's little sister is on her deathbed.  She is diabetic she's had congestive heart failure and pneumonia and she's had a severe stroke.  She needs a miracle.  

She meant more to Mary than anyone.  Mary was her protector their whole lives.  Mary would do anything for her.  It's a strange feeling not having Mary here during this. 

Many prayers would be appreciated greatly.  Thank you so much. 

Butch 

I'm glad Gracie girl makes you smile.  She and her big brothers are my hope and inspiration.  As well as the new little boy coming in the spring.  

My Gracie girl in a Halloween outfit  and standing up cruising  

shes only seven months and already standing up and taking steps  if I hold her hand she walks   It's crazy 

Today is tough.  I am in need of an extra Xanax (am allotted an extra one if needed) because I'm so anxious and can't calm.  I don't want to feel like this.  I promised my Mary I would do my best.  This is not my best at all.  It is just what is though. 

Thank you Marty for the article. I will read it. 

Wow. Thank you all so much for your kind words of support and love and understanding.  I'm overtaken with emotion.  

I'm still not myself.  Going to try to stop figuring out why because it's driving me further into depression and anxiety.  It is what it is and I can't change it.  Just have to roll with it.  

You ALL are so wonderful to take time from your grief to support me.  You will never know what that means to my heart. ❤️

Thank you all so much.  ❤️

Hey friends.  I've not been around.  I have been having a very tough time.  So tough I felt unsafe.  And I have a lot to live for in my son DIL grandchildren and a new Grandbaby coming in March.  But my issue is that my Mary is not here and even though I should be "over" it after 20 months I just can't and I know when I need help.   So I told my therapist and was inpatient in the psych unit for about a week.  I feel weak for failing.  I still don't feel myself.  Just not right.  I had some med changes in there.   I'm seeing my therapist weekly and can page her at any time.  She's wonderful.  But I still feel not right.  Will I or any of us get over losing our loves?  I feel like such an utter failure.  My son has gotten through his mom's death with a lot of grace.  But I'm just struggling to no end.  

I have read many of your posts but can't find words to reply.   I'm here but silent.  I'm sorry words fail me.  Thoughts and hugs to all of you ❤️

Butch

Thank you all for understanding. I hate that you all must understand and get this awful feeling.  It's not fair.  It's what is.  And well that just sucks so much.  It's hard to go to bed in an empty one.  And there's no trigger really.  It just hits.  

Peace to all you friends. ❤️

Tonight is one of those horrible nights.  I feel like I failed and am failing my bride.  I feel guilty for not being able to stop the ALS from stealing so many things from her and us and ultimately her life.  I feel guilty because I promised to be strong.  I'm not strong.  Tonight my heart my body my mind my soul aches.  I want to go be with her if only for a minute.  Just to hold her look in her beautiful eyes and promise again that I will love her forevermore.  But I don't get that option.  And I'm hurting so bad.  I don't want to ache anymore.  I just don't.  I want my bride back.  That's all.  

Butch

My saving Grace ❤️

I have Gracie overnight tonight   

Special Grampy and Gracie time   So many cuddles and smiles   My heart hurts but she makes it better   She was having fun enjoying banana for dinner   

20 months 1 day ago was the last time I saw your face kissed your lips felt your cheek held your hand cuddled you close felt your heart beating.  I miss you more than ever my sweet Mary.  There just aren't enough words.  

this says how our grief is doesn't it...   

this says how my heart is feeling.  I'm looking for my darling bride in all of this.  ?

Thank you

its hard to have memorial after memorial in the same church Mary and I got married in.  I looked around looking for her looking for my mother looking for my father.  But really really looking for my bride.  It was just a tough day.  I had a difficult time speaking.  But my son took over for me.  I'm so proud of him and lucky he's my boy.  Well, man.  

I took a Xanax so I hope I can sleep a little.  

Today was a day full of emotions and heartache and a lot of memories.  I'm exhausted and when I say that I mean in every possible way.  

I just need my Mary to get through... ?

this is the face that wrapped her arms around me this afternoon that warmed my lost and hurt heart.  This pic was taken the other day.  She has my heart.  ❤️

I found my Dad in the house I grew up in.  He was passed on.  I think he died of a broken heart after losing my mom.  I'm lost.  Now I have to make arrangements and then deal with the house and all its belongings. A lifetime of.  

Thank you all.  I took a Xanax so I hope I can sleep some.  It's hard when I want my bride beside me to hold me and to hold.  I don't like taking the Xanax but I think I need the help.