R.Everit55

Frussell I'm so very sorry for the loss of your wife.  You've found a great compassionate place to lay your heart out.  We've all our the loves of our lives.  You are not alone.  I'm sending prayers for peace to you.  

Butch

Oh and look what my favorite monkey is up to doing.    She's too little to start growing up!  

Thank you. Here's the latest of my favorite girl. 

My heart is full when am with her and her brothers or when I get pics   

How can I not be so full of joy   

22 hours ago, mittam99 said:

I'm writing this as I'm winding down from a pretty intense grief burst so I hope what I write makes sense...

I got a phone call from daughter Katie today and found out she just got engaged. She's a few months shy of 21 and this really took me by surprise. I'm happy for her and hope it all works out. I talked to her fiance as well and he seems like a nice enough guy. Told him to treat her right "cause I know where you live, buddy". Protective dad mode in action. Katie's in love and sounded so happy.

And it got me to thinking. Happiness for me is a just a memory. My happiness was being with Tammy. Seeing her amazing smile and holding her in my arms. Her love made my life a life that was worth living. Now, alone, I have brief moments of laughter or a fleeting sense of peace but those moments last a matter of minutes at most. That deep, unrelenting sadness is everpresent and ready to burst into a grief tsunami at any time.

It's a very difficult life living day to day knowing the life you really want to live is unattainable. It lives only in your memories and dreams. It's your past but not your future. Two things keep me going. One is the hope that someday Tammy and I will be reunited in some way. And the second thing is the memories I have that keep Tammy alive in my heart and soul. 

But, no matter how wonderful the memories or how strong my hope is, day to day happiness just doesn't exist. It just hurts too bad. How could Tammy only get 45 years? Why did her life have to be filled with one life threatening medical trauma after another?  The pain of losing her tortures me. She deserved so much better of a fate! 

The bottom line is ... for me to feel happiness, I need Tammy!  There is no substitute. No amount of hobbies or material possessions or distractions will work. They basically mean nothing. 

That's what makes living this life so challenging. We're here and they're not. How do we ever find a measure of happiness without them?

Mitch

Mitch I'm so sorry.  I'm struggling with feeling happiness with my family and guilt because of it.  My Mary was my happiness too and my everything.  

Grief never ends. We will struggle to find a safe spot day to day to keep on breathing. 

Butch

I had such an amazing day with my favorite girl Gracie.  She's exceeding all expectations from being a premie. She amazes me.  She melts my heart.  She has my heart.  She crawls to me and climbs in my lap and puts her arms on my face or around my neck and gives love.  I soak it up.  I need that.  

However in six days it will be 22 months since my Mary left this earth and my side.  I feel guilty being so happy with OUR family.  Our grandchildren including the third grandson due in April.  I feel guilty.  And it hurts.  I miss her so much.  I get so wrapped up in family that I forget sometimes that she's gone and never coming home.  And when it hits it hits hard.  

Butch 

Hugs Marg. ❤️

PS she's still saying "amp amp" for me. I surprised her last night and she said it as soon as she saw me.  She's melting my heart.  She just turned eight months old.  

I was finally over my cold and got to squish my favorite girl last night.  I got these pics from Katie though the other day.  Gracie caught a leaf and she has become the neighborhood watch baby.  

I'm so thrilled for you Kay!  And your granddaughter is beautiful!  ❤️

Look who got to go home today!  My favorite girl.  In her diva onesie.  I haven't seen her yet as I still have a cold.  But she's saying "amp amp amp amp" all the time.  That's her word for Grampy.  She's eight months old today.  She says dada and Grampy.  It's killing me that I can't see her yet but it's for her health.  She doesn't need to be sick again.  

Thank you all for the prayers for our Gracie. 

I really miss my wife. She would be able to calm me down.  She had that magic loving touch and the sweetest voice.  Having her just in my heart isn't enough. I need her here.  This is our grandbaby.  She would be elated at having a granddaughter but she would be heartbroken too to have Grace in this condition.  Gracie will be 8 months on the 29th.  She needs to get better so we can all go back to giving her so much love and kisses and her big brothers can love on her.  

I went to church this morning to pray for her and pray to my Mary to watch over Grace so she can kick this illness.  I lit a candle for my wife and one for Grace that she have the strength to fight.   

She has a strong cardiac output so the heart issue is just a reflection of the pneumonia and RSV that she is suffering with.  She is in an induced coma for complete rest of her lungs and heart.  It's heartbreaking seeing her that way and unresponsive.  My heart hasn't been this broken since the twins passed.  ??

Gracie girl is not responding to the antibiotics because they've determined it's viral not bacterial.  Her temp is still up and she's not breathing on her own.  She's on antibiotics anyway.  As a precaution.  She's been through so so much in less than eight months of life.  My heart is broken at the moment.  Prayer is the only thing that will get her through.  She will be eight months on the 29th and we all want her back.  

Her breathing is pretty labored again.  Her temp is 101.  

I hate that she's so sick.  Thank you for your thoughts and prayers for my girl.  Marty that's an adorable bear. Thanks. 

Gracie is inpatient in pediatric icu with pneumonia. Her temp is 105 and her breathing is extremely labored.  They are giving her Iv meds. They just got a vein in her leg for Iv access.  This is because she was born too early and her immune system sucks.  My Gracie girl looks so helpless.  I hope this is short lived once meds are on board.

update

Drs say yes she will outgrow this by the first birthday but maybe not until the second one.  Her temp is down to 100. And with breathing treatments it's improving. Thank you for prayers.

My ❤️️

My ❤️ 

I'm feeling things as they come and not trying to avoid or shush them away.  But it hurts.  I just miss her so much there are not enough words.  

Learned that my sixth grandchild is a boy and his name his Joseph Ryan.  Joseph was my Dad's name.  He just passed on.  The baby will be here come spring.  

Heres a recent pic of my fifth grandchild who is a miracle baby.  Number 4 and 3 went to Heaven.  

Gracie is probably thinking she could eat this little leaf she caught  

Butch 

Update:

i am just letting myself do what my body or emotions want to do.  I'm crying  I'm watching movies that were both Mary and my favorites  I'm just laying in our bed with her pillow talking to and thinking  about her  with smiles and tears  I'm thinking of all we lost and all I've lost since she passed  I am promising to let my feeling just be  and I won't feel guilty for caring for myself because when I do that I know she will approve  

Allen and Katie got confirmation that my sixth grandchild is a boy    His name is Joseph Ryan  Joseph was my dad's name  

Gracie girl caught a leaf.  ❤️  How can I not smile at this little face.  

Marty I know I shouldn't try.  I should do or not do as yoda said.  But the best I can do right now if try . 

Thank you all for your loving words.  ❤️

I will honor my wife and take care of me before anyone else.  Our son has his life and family and can take care of them.  I've got to get myself together especially before the next grandbaby arrives.  

Thank Marty for the sound advice.  I believe I can't be weak or struggling because it was my promise to my Mary to be strong and take care of our family.  How do I not do that?  

I will try to sit with just how I feel.  I know Allen won't judge me for that.  He's a great son.  The best son.  Because his momma raised him well.  We both did.  He was home with her for most of his schooling.  So she's in him.  And she's in my grandsons.  They loved her as much as she did them.  And Gracie girl is a miracle angel from above.  As well as the baby boy coming in the spring.  

I will try.  I will.., I promise.  ❤️