maria53577

Hello, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad I lost my mom to alcoholism on June 27 of this year. Even tho, we all knew she had a problem, none of us realized the severity of her disease.. she did a very good job of hiding her addiction or keeping us at arm's length and never going to the dr... my siblings and I would talk about 'how this is killing her' but NEVER did I believe it actually would. She was admitted on a Wed morning.. she had horrible jaundice.. but even as I looked at her, I never once thought she would die.. I left that night with high hopes. We got the diagnosis the next morning that she had hours left to live.. she died the next afternoon.. it was the most surreal thing I have ever endured. I didn't think it was real when it was happening and it took me a few weeks for it to settle in and really, really hit me. I recall going to back to work and some people avoiding me as well.. but you know what.. prior to my mom passing, I would have people in my life that had lost parents and while I felt sympathy towards them, I NEVER knew exactly what they were feeling.. until now.. it is such an indescribable feeling.. like KayC said, some people are just uncomfortable and they just don't know.. in the weeks that followed her death, it was like a movie kept replaying in my head.. our last conversation, the last days.. how my dad took it so hard.. and how I will never be able to call her ever again. I just found myself yesterday thinking, 'I need to call mom and tell her what we've been thru' .. I immediately felt sadness, realizing I will never be able to do that.. I wish I would have had more time to tell her more things.. I didn't get to say it all how I wanted to say it.. I am sure you feel that way too.. but you know what is so great? You were there by his side.. you gave him comfort when he needed it most.. that is both heartbreaking and beautiful. So this journey of grief is a process.. and yours is completely different than anyone else.. like KayC mentioned, be open with your partner thru this.. I recall being extremely edgy and snappish towards my partner in the weeks that followed.. I finally broke down and told him I felt on edge and felt bad for taking it out on him.. I will tell you too, that while it never goes away.. it does get better.. I am sure that is hard to imagine now.. but I am finding joy in things I used to and getting excited about little things.. I will never take life for granted again.. we all owe that to ourselves.. life is so short ... I wish your heart tremendous comfort and healing. Hugs to you.

How did your birthday weekend go? I hope you were able to find some enjoyment as turning 21 is a big deal Like the others stated, I think loss of appetite and eating mindlessly are all symptoms of grief. I personally lose my appetite in high stress situations, but I have friends who grab the nearest pint of ice cream.. take all of this day by day.. it's so smart of you to be aware of everything going on.. I think being more aware of one's self will help you deal with your grief better and come out stronger on the other side of this.. take care and I hope you found some enjoyment on your birthday

that really means he was so very proud of you My mom would tell everyone about my siblings and myself.. and I know she was very proud of her children. You have a wonderful angel now watching over you. The experience of losing your parent has changed you, am I right? Initially I mourned the fact that my life felt so different after losing my mom.. I wanted to go back and feel that innocence again of feeling invincible.. I was so naive about death prior to this.. one gift this has given me is to never take anything for granted.. life is so short and precious.. and you were able to send your father off onto his next chapter.. not many are right by their loved ones sides as they pass.. I am glad I was able to experience that and be with my mom during her last moments. take care.

Wow, you both described my interaction between my mom and I.. she would call and repeat things, tell me things of people I didn't know.. most conversations were negative.. but I kept calling b/c despite all of that, I still enjoyed a relationship with my mom.. even tho it may have been strained. I wish too that I could tell her how much she meant to me.. in those moments when we were talking I was just annoyed.. but you are both right.. just b/c I was annoyed, I still loved her.. and I am beginning to now be able to separate two things.. I love and miss my mom— the woman that gave birth to me and raised me.. but I didn't love the part of my mom that was the angry/negative alcoholic.. and that really is ok.. thank you all.. it's been 4 months and I do feel as tho my healing is continuing and I hope that gives sharirouse comfort.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father.. I am so very glad tho, you were there holding his hand, comforting him thru all of this.. I am certain that fed his soul into the next life. Take care.

You guys are right.. it is easy to go back now and say I should have done all these things.. and, very true too, I am glad I didn't yell at her prior to her death.. that guilt would have been horrible.. I very much appreciate all the advice.. I find comfort hearing your stories, knowing I am not the only one who has gone thru this. We each have very unique stories but also very much the same. Thank you again.. I find much comfort reading thru this site.

thank you all for your thoughts.. it's so appreciated. I had been to counseling for many years prior to my mom's passing.. I then went twice after she passed away.. it didn't have the same benefit for me as it did prior.. maybe b/c she's gone now and what does it matter at this point? Or maybe just too soon. Do you think she wanted help at all? Was it just hard for her to ask for help? We found journals from her this past weekend.. they were hard to read.. she was very depressed and referred to herself as a 'bad mom'.. it's painful to see these words, had I known what she was going thru, I would have done anything to help her.. then I am disappointed in myself for not being able to see that she was obviously depressed.. my resentment/frustration with her got in the way of me helping her.. for that I have horrible remorse. My dad is very sad.. b/c of her addiction, their relationship was not great. But b/c it's all he has known, he is mourning that loss.. they were together for 45 years so he is feeling that void, good or bad, it's an empty feeling. This site is very helpful.. thanks again for the responses! Maria

I lost my mom on June 27 this year to alcoholism.. we had battled with it most of my life.. and prior to my mom being rushed to the hospital, we had been fighting b/c she had been continuing to drink and not listening to us pleading for her to get help.. I was angry, frustrated and hurt.. I had set boundaries with her.. I told her I would be there for her if she wanted to talk or wanted my help but I couldn't ignore the issue any longer.. I then got a phone call from my dad that she [finally] had let him take her to the dr.. she hadn't been to the dr in yrs.. I am sure she knew what the diagnosis would be.. so as I raced over and then saw her.. I knew her time left on earth was winding down.. I initially scolded her but then cried and gave her a hug. She died 3 days later at age 63. I have never experienced such pain before in my life.. I have moments of shock when I cannot believe I will never be able to pick up the phone and talk with her.. it breaks my heart to see how my dad misses her. My role in life has always been the caregiver but I am finding it hard to know what to say to help him thru this.. it's hard to hear the pain in his voice.. knowing that he will never wake up from this nightmare. Initially I had horrible guilt for setting boundaries with her.. but I have made peace with that.. in the end, I do believe that she shut us out.. as much as we begged and tried to get her help.. it was her decision as an adult to live her own life. I often find myself pissed at her and telling myself, if I would see her one more time, I would scream at her saying 'I told you! Why didn't you listen?' I'm so mad that she left everything like this.. we now have to go thru their house and clean up everything and sort thru all her items.. Alcoholism is such a sad disease.. I am also saddened that this was her path in life.