annew

Thank you, Lainey, it is so good to hear of your healing and moving on. AnneW

Thank you, Marjorie. Your hearing and your hugs are so dearly felt and so appreciated. Blessings on your sweet heart. AnneW

Thank you so much for your encouragement, Kay. It means so much to me to be understood. I am so tired, so drained, I can barely move. It is so good to hear that others have been through it and know I will survive and that others want to be here for me. Much love to you, Kay. I am so grateful for your kindness to me in all this confusion and fear. <3 AnneW

It's hard to imagine life beginning again and I thought I would feel better than I do after a year....I have so much anxiety about survival, some of which is not based in reality, just my dependency on him for emotional security. It feels so much like I cannot survive emotionally, I am so down, drained, and tired so much it seems there is no recovery and it's hopeless. I don't even want to try, it feels as though I have to push myself through everything. I am getting the things done that need doing but it's actually gotten tougher.....and I am so afraid now all the time. His illness lasted so long and took all the quality of life we had worked so hard to get to....and then he died. It all feels so wrong.

SJ, I am so sorry for your loss. It has a life and timing all its own a lot of the time. Being on our own is so tough and after a while there really is no one to talk to except those that have experienced it and know one doesn't just get over it. Lately, it has been bery hard for me to imagine how I will go on without him and sure don't have the desire most of the time. Stay in touch here, I have not been let down or told to get over it. AnneW

Thank you, Kay. Me too. Big hugs.

The other thing that has been toughest for me is just getting out....it is so hard for me to want ot go anywhere now that I am on my own. Even making plans with friends and finding I am so drained and exhausted so much from the grief that it's all I can do to take care of the household errands and chores and some of my grief group meetings. There is movie coming out on Christmas day I want to see, I even have a friend who will go with. I hope I can make it this time....It's taking a long time to move through all this change. AnneW

Dearest Ailee, I am so glad you found us and can have a place to share your heart and loss. We know here what it is like and while no too losses are the same, we are here to love and support you while you go through this overwhelming and painful time. Please share as much or as often feels good to you and know that we are here and that you are never alone. Much love and big hugs, AnneW

Dear BeBrave, I am so sorry for your loss; I understand the shock, many of us here know that. I am so glad you found this group. It is so important to have a place for grief. Please keep coming back and let yourself be supported. AnneW

Thank you HisWife and Kay. It helps to be heard, it is comforting. Much prayers and love for you Kay and your well being.

Hello everyone, Thanksgiving went by well enough, just my adult son and me....not nearly as horrible as last year, less than two weeks after he crossed over. I even felt pretty good for a bit about the cooking and it went well. Now, I am feeling a bit more accepting of my fate but the fear and worry of the future and money and work worries me so; I just feel hopeless. Even though it has been a year, I don't feel quite ready, tried to to some volunteer work but that has had multiple delays with training and just getting going. Frustrating! I don't have money enough to last for more than a few years and I am not eligible for SS for over 6 years. I was mostly retired before he died and now I am to start over with work and the job market here is not good for me.....Never thought I would be dealing with this kind of life now. I need so many miracles. Thank you for listening. AnneW

I had been feeling it more and more in the past couple of weeks.....he is still SO here with me. It was a great gift to see it put in words and I am glad to relate to it Kay. Big hugs to you today.

Death is nothing at all I have only slipped away into the next room I am I and you are you Whatever we were to each other That we are still Call me by my old familiar name Speak to me in the easy way you always used Put no difference into your tone Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow Laugh as we always laughed At the little jokes we always enjoyed together Play, smile, think of me, pray for me Let my name be ever the household word that it always was Let it be spoken without effort Without the ghost of a shadow in it Life means all that it ever meant It is the same as it ever was There is absolute unbroken continuity What is death but a negligible accident ? Why should I be out of mind Because I am out of sight ? I am waiting for you for an interval Somewhere very near Just around the corner All is well. Nothing is past ; nothing is lost One brief moment and all will be as it was before How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again ! Canon Henry Scott-Holland (1847-1918)

Thanks Anne. You know for me, I am really understanding and knowing more and more it is just our belief in separation that keeps us from knowing and experiencing our multidimensional self that lives in both physical and non physical reality. In the video here, the speaker talks about experiences of hyperreality and I've had some of those. I think in those moments is when I really experienced myself as a Soul, a non physical Being. One was very much out of body and very much another place connected to the physical but not just 5 sensory awareness. It was so much more another kind of awareness of everything. Annew

Hello All, I am new to this thread but the subject matter has been part of my life for over 30 years of exploration into all things spiritual, so I am very glad to see that afterlife is shared here. I have had strong contact with my beautiful partner since his crossing and the relationship continues strongly.....I can hear him speak to me in my heart and this has changed the whole meaning of my life. Before I was more a student and dabbler in spiritual study and now I am learning to really live it and bring it out in the world more.....to live in both dimensions at the same time.

(((Kay))) sending love and hugs and prayers for your well being.... AnneW

Dearest Mama Briggs, Your story is so similar to mine, I had to write and tell you how sorry I am for your loss....it's all so raw and incomprehensible. It was a year for me yesterday with so sudden a loss as yours, completely unexpected and very much unwanted. I too wish I had made him go to dr/hospital sooner.... He is with you, he's not the kind of man that would leave his family and not watch over all of you with his whole heart, right? That's how he feels on you in your writing. I also know that is not always comforting but it is all I have now. Thank you for sharing your self and your grief here, it helps us all to open our hearts to each other and know we are never alone and that we do survive. Take care, much love. <3 AnneW

Thank you for responding, Jan. I think you are right. I think I have been abandoned by someone who has really been there for me but appears to be wanting to move on. She won't tell me what it happening openly and honestly, so I feel I am imposing... don't know the boundaries. I am still new to the support group here, so I have yet to make some new friends. We were isolated before he died and I am trying to work my way out of it now........it's very slow.....and confusing.....and I feel so scared and vulnerable I keep it to myself. I think I am really just learning to open up again and allow myself to reach out more....as you all know. Nothing is the same. And though I can still hear him in my heart, always encouraging me, always supporting and believing in me......I still feel so lost and lonely for him here. I so want him back. He is the only person I have ever really been close ot and could count on. On top of that there is the loss of income.....I was mostly retired and now I have to make a living again.....I enough to last for a few years but I want more to do too. Am doing some volunteer things in the meantime, don't feel at all able to face a full time job now....this is not the future we had planned and worked for. It's all gone. I pray a lot.....and I do feel guided and supported and heard. Just need to be heard by others who get it and more often. Thank you all for being here and hearing me.

Thanks, so much, Anne. I can see I have isolated myself too much, trying not to impose on friends but I still need a place to talk more frequently than grief group twice a month. I am naturally a very private person and he was/is my major confidant but I can't keep it that way. I do SO want him back and I miss him so much. I just need to say that to others who won't run if I say it too much. The conversation today has been a huge help and I feel lighter, more peaceful, and less alone. AnneW

Thank you, Kay. It helps so much to just say it all and be heard. I really have wanted to talk to him out loud more but I am rarely alone. I can still do it though. I find I just keep repressing myself, avoiding. I do it to myself. With the work problems that have come up, many of those I would talk to are in the work situation so that's not possible.....and the situation is very important to me and taking a long time to sort out. I am not patient. Talking to Gary would have been so good but I have avoided that.....isolated myself most clearly. When he was still here I would come and go like that but now it feels weird to go around talking to myself/him but I have done some anyway this morning and it does feel better....more like he is not gone. I didn't think it would be so easy but he was/is so easy to talk to......I don't want him to be gone, it just doesn't seem possible......it never has seemed real and then something happens and it is new and I realize again he is gone....and there is change I so want to share.....There's even more I want to share here about how well I can hear him. You would think I would be more consoled.......thank you again for responding, it feels so wonderful to be heard. Much love and care to everyone. AnneW

Thank you, Marty. I am in a support group and do feel heard there and the bit of this forum that I have just learned about. The problem with me is that I do not want to grieve, I do not want to accept or allow all this pain. I am a born fighter and that has never been good for me....surrender is always after a big fight for control and trying to feel safe. I have literally had an out of body, NDE like expeirence of "the other side" and still I feel he has just abandoned me. I don't understand why he died. The medical ones could find no cause, he just quit breathing, lost consciousness and left. Yes, I know the line about their choice and their time but it changes nothing. I feel like I failed him and failed us and he just gave up on his life too....

And I do talk to him too and sometimes it helps and sometimes it just makes it all hurt more and I think I am just talking to myself. I feel so alone and some work things have been very hard to cope with. When he was still here he was the closest friend I ever had and now there are still a few but I am so afraid of imposing too much.....how many times can you tell others you are mostly miserable all the time? They want to be happy and have fun and I am not able to do much of that. I feel a failure in being able to deal with this at all. I had no idea it would feel so hopeless

I wish he was here.....and now that I know the loss will never end, it seems most unbearable. I can see how I will never be ok again and that is hard to take.....I never knew it was like this.

Holding you close in heart, Elly....I so understand that place.....it's impossible to face a future without our dearly departed ones.....So it has forced me to be here now, to let the feelings have their way, to use denial as a gift that gives me some relief some times. Up until yesterday, I had weeks of escalating pain and fear about the future after some respite from all that. Now after a couple of days of subsiding and connection with this group, I am able to be responsive as well. I have had some truly amazing support and such gifts from others, even messages and a never ending feeling of connection with my Gary. It feels so lonely, I know and yet I know more and more I am not really alone and that I am walking this path very well even when it feels so unspeakably awful. Much love to you and to everyone here.

Thank you all for your responses and loving care. The wound has calmed down some today.