annew

It's good to hear the compassion hasn't dried up here, hope you can give yourself a break, Harry. The first person to need a break from feeling so utterly responsible for everyone is always you. I know a lot of very overwhelmed people right now and it's always the same. We need to allow ourselves some love and compassion from ourselves. I am not doing much better myself now but I recognize it in you and you saying how you feel here and reading the responses helps me consider reaching for more of a break, too. I just can't fix it all now and beating myself up doesn't change it. Blessings on us all, we deserve it so very much.

Big hugs, Shalady. I see your pain and I am so sorry you are hurting so much. You are doing just fine and you are never alone here.......and we always want to hear from you. Thank you for hearing me and doing it so very well.....your heart is so very loving.

After I wrote the last post, I realized I am feeling rather pissed actually. Sick of all this pain and heartache and lonely for him. I feel as though he left me and regardless of circumstances, he did. Feels wrong to say that but I am pissed off and tired, so tired of all this damn pain. I know he didn't want to be here anymore and that is fine, it really is his choice and I get that , but all this suffering sucks. I feel so much like enough is enough.....and actually feeling angry is more real right now.

Hello everyone, Now it's 15 months. Part of me just wants to sit and cry forever and part never wants to feel any of this pain again. Knowing my best friend is never coming back, what can I say? It comes down to just a few words--hurting, scared, lonely for him. Like a broken record, I can see how others get tired of hearing it, so I don't. I still cant believe this has happened, my heart cannot understand after 15 months. So I guess it's just all "too soon." In some ways, I am doing very well. But the heartbreak is always there; I struggle with understanding how this could be. People just evaporate? I haven't felt him around as much.....it feels more finished all the time. Like maybe he never existed in the first place.....maybe I just dreamed him all up and he was never really here. Maybe none of this really matters because nothing is going to bring him back.

It is my Angel's birthday, I miss his loving voice and arms so much....

I am praying for you Butch and so very sorry for your loss and the intensity of pain. I will continue to pray for your well-being......and deeply hope you will stop judging your self and your feelings and allow yourself just to feel what you feel and know that you are loved and cared for and never alone. AnneW

Dearest Lisa, Thank you so much for coming to this safe and deeply caring place again and reaching out with your pain and fear. We are here for you and we are listening to how you feel, so you are doing it, getting help for yourself now. The more you can let it be one day at a time to deal with so much the better for you. You are not alone and you are doing very well. It's ok to want to manage your feelings so that you can take care of your children and your self. Your choices are good and I am so glad you have gotten care for your children. Please tell us what is happening and getting your feelings clear here so that you can make good choices for yourself. Much love and prayers for you and yours. AnneW

So utterly beautiful, beyond words beautiful. Thank you for sharing it, Butch. We continue to walk with you in our hearts here. Blessings be, AnneW

I would love to hear the eulogy, Butch.

Yes, Anne, what Butch said so well. I knew my Gary was there so strongly in my heart in those early days when all I could do was tell myself "this isn't happening. It is the powerful protection of angel wings wrapped around the rawness and pain. Blessings on you Butch. We are never alone and are loved ones are always with us in our hearts....the love never fades and never ends. Blessings, AnneW

Thank you, for your response Fae. I do have counseling, a support group and friends and family with me. I am not alone. The mornings are toughest still and like one of my greatest supports has said 14 months is not so long. I am glad to have a place here to to let the feelings out and let them be healed. I think I have a good support in place for all of what I am experiencing and I am able to offer support to others which I do in support groups in person and online. Blessings, AnneW

Thank you, Harry, your encouraging words help me know that my heart can heal too. I don't know how or when either.....I just want to believe that it can.

It's so hard to allow all this pain and fear.....I feel as though I failed him, not understanding what was happening and saving him. The failure is so hard to bear....the if only's have been so strong this last 14 months. I guess it's just part of the grief to believe I could have prevented it. I know he really was so tired of his illness and the destruction of all he had made of his life against incredibly difficult odds. He was/is such a good, good soul and so good to me when life had shown him precious little of that. I am so blessed, even in all this pain and regret, that I had him for the 25 years he was with me and I know they were still the best he had ever had because we had each other.

It's been 14 months since my best friend and life partner died so suddenly and unexpectedly. I am still crying every day and feel a lot of anxiety a lot of the day, even though I am more active and have the strength the last year gave me. In some ways I do feel better.....his illness was long and so sad for us both, though we did not think it was fatal. I have a lot of loving and effective support. But I still resist the pain and miss him so much. I really want him back so badlly. He was such a dear friend and comforter. So ironic I want him to hold and comfort me from the loss of him. I miss him so much and it seems more all the time now. AnneW

Dearest Butch, we all know that place of such utter loss and feeling helpless. It is a loss so deep and you are never alone in it, even when you feel so. The way through is just one day at a time. Stay close to us here and let us walk with you. Much love and care. AnneW

Dearest Butch, We hold you always in our hearts in this time so beyond any understanding. Many prayers for you and Mary and your family in time of such change. Please stay as close as you want with us here; the group is here for you. Blessings, and hugs and love. AnneW

Lovely, inspiring words, Elly. Thank you. My angels and I too are loving more and more all the time, too.

Dearest Elly, sorry things have not gone so well yet. Hope you are able to find another counselor or a group may do it better for you if there are any near you. Just keep up with us here and get your support until things fall better into place and they will. I know how draining it all can be and even tougher when you reach for help and it's not working. It will come together and we will be here for you. Much love. AnneW

Thank you, Kay. It's very hard to accept that this is my life now....I don't really want to accept it. My friends are my only family and they do the best they can but I am alone so much and I don't really feel much like just going out to go out. I am a very purposeful kind of person and I don't like doing things just for the sake of proving I can do it. It does not make me feel better. What makes me happy really is getting the daily life accomplished and for the most part it is. The counselor got me in touch with feeling ashamed of how I feel, how much fear and pain I am in still every day, so it keeps me from reaching out as much as I could. I feel abandoned and then I isolate myself. Counseling is a process, so we will see where it goes. And I agree, if it doesn't work I will find another. Thank you for the hug, even the intention feels good....

Overwhelming fear and sadness and pain again. I don't think I will ever really heal, it all seems so hopeless. I just don't want to go on with "my life." My life feels over to me if I ever had one in the first place. I talked with a counselor over the weekend and I actually feel worse now....

Been so aware that we both died that day and that nothing will ever be the same. Yet, he is still here, still loving and giving to me and my son and I know that makes him very happy. I have been dreaming of him a lot in the past couple of weeks. We are still somewhere living a life together side by side....and I can see he is young and healthy again and free of the dis-ease that took the entire life he had made for himself and for us. I feel so grateful to have known this amazing Soul so well and that he is still here in my heart and will never leave there. Yes, it is still hurting, but our lives together matter and count for a lot and the love we share and leave behind on this old earth also matters.... a lot. My hugs and heart for everyone hurting and tired and lonely today. You are doing just fine the way you are right this second and you are never alone no matter how lonely you feel. It is a gift to be able to walk with you all, you are the most beautiful Hearts and Souls. <3

To be honest the old normal was for the last 10 years of it a downward spiral into illness and isolation and depression for both of us as his illness slowly took the life we had built together apart. It was hard on us, we are both born fighters.....and got nowhere but here now. I have some hope for a new normal though it is very lonely.....Well, I am not alone in this and it makes a huge difference to have a place to say what I really feel. So many thanks Anne and Kay for being so responsive and loving and caring. All of you here are such angels.....just when you need it. AnneW

Thank you so much for all the referral material, Marty....it is most helpful. And thank you, QMary for the response of experience, strength, and encouragement. It really does help to be among those that have gone before and are surviving as best they can. It is a welcome place for me, the disbelief. It takes me out of my mind and into my heart more. It's not the same as flat out denial. It's just that the disbelief seems a safe place to go and is closer to him in spirit at the same time.....it wraps around me and comforts me that he may have changed form but that he is still here....yes, most comforting. I don't yet have a lot to keep me busy but I am thinking that will change more this year and I am more and more ready for it. Another friend of mine said it feels like our partners did not die so much as moved in completely in our hearts and are always part of us now. I feel that too.

Yes, Peter, I hear you. There are few memories that don't bring up great pain, regardless of the memory. I am so sorry for your loss, your pain, and how tough this second year is for you. I am very glad you brought it here and allowed yourself your feelings as I know, for some, the support also goes down for those still dealing with so much overwhelming feeling. I am glad for my memories, just wish I could have them in happiness. Hugs Peter and all others here. You are not alone, you are not forgotten and your feelings matter. AnneW

Perhaps it is the holidays and the memories, but I so hoped I would feel better by now. I always have expectations that are too high and this may be no different. It's discouraging to hear that the second year is harder for some. In some ways I am doing better, but the pain is still so acute and deep and feels like it will never end. It was so unexpected and now I am nearly 60, jobless, unable to find work yet and having too little too do. Even volunteer work has had set back after set back with training. It's got to get better than this and yet I feel so hopeless. I am sure this will pass but it feels so awful now and the roller coaster of feeling gets so damn old. There does seem to be a part of me deep within that still has the lights on, still feels happiness at the Christmas lights (our favorite thing about the holidays), will never give up hope on me and my value. Thanks for being here, for listening to me. Blessings on everyone, as we all walk each other back Home. AnneW