Dew's Girl

Maryann, I am so happy for you that the trip brought you some comfort.

Just checking in. Saturday marked 5 months since I lost Daniel and it isn't any easier. I am just going through the motions of life, going to work, writing in my blog, and sleeping a lot. It's easier when I am asleep. I went on a family trip recently and while I love my family and enjoyed being with them, I still prefer to be alone. It was good to get back to my solitude. While I haven't felt much like posting recently, I still read this site just about daily. It helps to read what you all are thinking and feeling. It's the time I feel least alone. Thank you for that.

I enjoyed talking with you too. It's nice to talk to people who just want to listen and not try to make me feel better or cheer me up. I enjoyed hearing more about Tammy. She sounds like an amazing person and you guys had a special kind of love that doesn't come around every day.

Thanks so much for the poem and the link. I am on the mend now and feeling much better after a second round of antibiotics. This illness has made me think more about selling my house and moving closer to family and friends. Right now I am about an hour away from those who would care for me when I need it. It will be hard leaving all of the memories here, and I know that they say not to make any major decisions during the first year, but I also think that I need more support than I can get this far from my loved ones.

I haven't felt like writing, but I've still been reading here almost daily. Your posts really help me feel less alone. This illness is still hanging on and I have a horrible cough. My doctor said that grief can lower our immune systems and make it harder to shake things.

Maryann, I know that Mark is super proud of you. Sometimes I think about how our loved ones would feel, watching us. I know that it is now, when we are struggling so much, that they would want most to be with us. I sometimes think the best gift I can give Daniel is for him to see that I am going to be ok. Because I know that it would just tear him apart to think about me needing him and him not being able to be here. He was always my protector, just as Mark was yours. So, maybe think of this accomplishment as a present to Mark. That although you will never be really right without him, at least you made it through this. -Amy

I agree that we are never the same again. I just posted on my blog about this very thing. We hear that grief gets better with time. That someday we can get back to ourselves. Yet this kind of loss cuts too deep to not change us. I don't think that the pain ever really lessens. Time just gives us a chance to forget what it felt like before we had the scars.

Teri, I know that you are missing Brian like crazy. I have found that it helps to talk with others going through the same thing. I hope this site brings you some peace. Amy

Isn't it so strange how happy memories can be wonderful and also cut us? I know that your memories of your wedding and other anniversaries with Mary over the years can both bring you joy but also hurt as you remember what you will no longer have. Take care of yourself.

Feeling guilty is something that most of us have experienced during this journey through grief. You have been through so much and you just have to give yourself some grace if you get snippy or say something you regret. Our brains and hearts are so raw right now. My thoughts are with you!

This illness is just hanging on. I can't get back on my feet. I received one of Daniel's insurance checks today and went to the bank to deposit it even though I felt crummy. It feels awful to have this money now because I keep thinking of all of the things that Daniel and I could have used it for when he was with me. Now, without him here I don't even want to deal with it.

I was going through old messages from Daniel and found this. I think it goes perfectly with what you said about you and Mark.

Thanks for checking in. All of my family live over an hour away so I drove myself to the clinic yesterday with a 101 fever. I have bronchitis and a respiratory infection and feel awful. I've needed Daniel intensely for friendship and emotional support over the last few months but this was the first time I really needed him to physically take care of me. I wasn't sure I could do it on my own but I made it and to the pharmacy as well. I also tried to remember to drink lots of fluids. I didn't do as good of a job as Daniel but I was sort of proud of myself for making it through the hard part. Now I just have to rest and take my meds.

I read somewhere that grief is not a sign of weakness or lack of faith, it is the price of love. We were lucky enough to have shared a great love and now have the higher cost to pay for it but we don't regret it.

Micki, Thank you for posting this. This simple statement really sums up our reality for now. Sometimes I go several hours without thinking about Daniel once, then suddenly there it is again like a stack of stones crushing my chest. I hope today is better for you.

Hi Mitch, I really wanted to reach out to you and offer my email or phone for you to call. The reason I hesitate is that I know with where I am right now, that I can't commit to always being there for you. There are times that I count it a victory if I manage to get dressed with two matching shoes on. I would hate for you to reach out in need at a time that I just couldn't respond. As Marty said, we do care. Please know that it isn't that I don't feel for you, but more that I am afraid of doing more harm by it feeling like one more person letting you down if I am not responsive. -Amy

I'm having a day where I am feeling sorry for myself. I'm coming down with something and feel sick. Daniel was so attentive to me and always took care of me if I was under the weather. He would tuck me into bed and bring me soup and make sure I drink plenty of liquids and put old 80's movies on for me to watch. Now I am not just sick but sad too.

Here is my positive for yesterday. I was cleaning up last night and found an old cell phone from last year. I charged it up and found that a lot of old text messages from Daniel were still saved on the device. It was so nice to go back through and read all of the wonderful and fun things he had sent to me. It felt good to think of him and laugh instead of crying.

Daniel and I worked together at the same company. It's still so hard to walk past his desk and see someone else sitting there now. Today I had a visitor come to my office. She brought up a nomination form that she had filled out the day before Daniel passed away nominating him for our employee service recognition program for all of his help. He was the IT Operations Manager and had been going out of his way to help her with some IT issues. She said that she never got a chance to turn it in, but wanted to share it with me. I had to shut my office door for a bit to regain my composure after she left. It is so great to be able to come here and be with you all during times like this. Thank you.

Butch, My heart goes out to you. I understand your anguish. I hope that you find some peace. Until then, the advice that has helped me most it just to breathe. When things seem most overwhelming, taking deep breaths makes the difference.

Micki, I will keep you in my thoughts. I know that these first few weeks are so raw and dark. I am so glad that you were able to see the rainbow and even more so that you have some truly wonderful memories of Don to sustain you through this time. This is the poem that I used for my husband, Daniel's service in January. It was the way he lived his life and it sounds like Don would want to say the same to you. Afterglow by Helen Lowrie Marshall I’d like the memory of me to be a happy one I’d like to leave an afterglow of smiles when life is done. I’d like to leave an echo whispering softly down the ways of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days. I’d like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun of happy memories that I leave behind when day is done. -Amy

I had one of those moments last night. I miss hearing Daniel's steady breathing next to me at night. It's too quiet in our room in the dark.

Maryann, I swear I said almost those exact words last night when I sat down to dinner alone. I miss my old life so very much. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with that right now. I had a similar issue with Daniel's vehicle. It was a lease but because my name was on the paperwork too, they still held me responsible for it even though I had my own car payment to make. I ended up having to pay over $5000 just to return it to them early. I am amazed by some companies and their lack of compassion.

Today I am wearing Christmas socks to work because I haven't done laundry lately. It's not that I haven't had time. I spend more time staring into space than it would take to throw in a load of clothes. Last week I didn't pay the cable bill even though I knew it was due and had plenty it the bank to cover it. I seem to do ok at work, but once I get home it's hit or miss on what I will accomplish. It's like a portion of my brain has to be dedicated to grieving and once I use up the remaining capacity for the day, I am done. Anyone else experience this?

Thank you Marty for sharing your link with me. I see some songs on there that I haven't heard before and am looking forward to listening to them tonight.