TerryB

Deborah, I don't know how positive I am when all I can think is how much I hate my life without Doug. Nothing is the same. Most of the time I feel like I don't care about anything. But, somehow I go on. I do it because I have to . I don't have a choice. I get so mad because I want him back! I need him so much. How do we get though this? I hope for a better day for all of us tomorrow. Happy Mothers Day everyone.

Karen, I still love my husband Doug very much. I keep his picture on my dresser and I kiss him every morning and every night and tell him I love him. I still wear my wedding rings and at this point don't intend to take them off. I feel like I am still a married woman. I am sorry to hear that you and your daughter have had a falling out. I hope she comes around soon. I'm sure she can't begin to know how you feel. I am having a lot of trouble with my son who is a very immature 21 years old. I really don't need this added stress in my life right now. Why can't he understand this? I also have a dog who is my companion. Doug bought Dooley for me so he means just that much more to me. Dooley is always there for me. I am so happy I have him. Pets are really a great comfort, aren't they? Terry

Karenb, I try to keep busy also. I work full-time, I keep busy with my kids and grandson. I like to walk and I love to garden. Some of my happiest memories are right in my own back yard. I have a lot of flowers and bird feeders and bird baths. On nice days, when I got home from work, Doug would be sitting in the back yard watching the humming birds and I would sit down for awhile before starting dinner and we would talk about how our day went. I'm going to miss that so much this summer.

Thanks Kayc, for your support. I will be feeling the empty nest again very soon. Patti, your right about there being a good part to it though. My house looks life a tornando went through a lot of times. I'm a little compulsive about things being in order and clean. I've learned to let it go for now (for the most part) so I can spend as much time as possible with Colin. He is growing way too fast! Patti, what a great Gramma you are to take all your grandkids to the movies! They will remember those special times. My kids, now adults,-well ok, in their twenty's,still talk about spending the night with my mother and how she took them to the candy store, for 5 cent candy ,that used to be a penny when I was a kid. Maury, I am so sorry about what happened to Kathy. How awful for you. I can't imagine having to hear all about the accident again and reliving it all. It may have been a relief in a way to know exactly what happened. My husband Doug was very sick the last two years of his life with an incurable lung disease. We did everything we could including him being on the lung transplant list. There were doctor appointments and hospital admissions all the time. When he had to retire from work, we used to kid that his new job was going to the doctor. My heart breaks to think of it. He tried so hard not to get down and was cheerful most of the time. He made most of the girls in the doctor's office's laugh because he would joke and tease them about things. They also cried and felt terrible when they found out he had passed away. Anyway, I have been wanting to order a copy of his medical records from his last hospital stay, to find out what exactly, medically, happened. Of course, the doctors spoke to me, but I want to read what they all wrote. I feel a need to know. I kept a journal when he got so sick because there was no other way to keep track of all the medications and testing and results of the tests, doctor appts and hospital admissions. I tried to read through it and just can't yet. In time, maybe. Take care and be strong. Terry

Hi Everyone, I check in and read the posting every once in awhile but I haven't posted in a long time. I have been very busy. My son, daughter-in-law and 15 month old grandson have been staying with me while they are saving for a house. Now they have found a house and will be moving out in about 30 days or so. I'll tell you there have been days when the only person in the world that could make me smile is my grandson. I'm going to miss him so much when they move. Still, I am lucky because they are not moving very far from me and I can still see him a lot. It just won't be the same as having him here everyday. Today it has been 9 months since Doug died. Some days it still feels like yesterday. I had a bad week. Monday I called in sick to work. Tuesday was ok but Wednesday I over-slept and just moped around. I finally got to work but thought I would have to leave because I felt so awful and had to fight to keep from crying. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel better. I still miss Doug so-so much. I hope all is well as can be with everyone. I'm sure I will be checking in more once the kids move into their house. It will be very lonely here again. I am happy to have this site and everyone on it to share my feeling with. Thank you. Terry

Tori, I am sorry you are going through such a stressful time. I have a little grandson and I know if my son talked about moving far away I would be devastated. Seeing my grandson, who is almost a year old, is the one thing that made me happy through these months after the loss of my husband. At times he is the only one who could make me smile and feel any happiness at all. If it were me, I would definitely tell her how I was feeling and give her the advise that your troubles follow you wherever you go. To get a fresh start you need to face your troubles head on and deal with them, as hard as it might be. Then, once you deal with the issues and they are done, you can start anew. Hopefully, learning from every experience by dealing with it and taking control. I truly don't believe relocating is the answer to starting over. One of my brothers did the exact same thing. He and his wife and two children, sold everything they had and move thousands of miles away. They had money problems amoung other problems and thought they were going to a better place to start over. Within a year, they came back because the money problems followed them, there were no better opportunites where they moved to or anywhere. They learned a very hard lesson. They came back with very little and had to start all over again. The stress was too much and now they are separated. I don't think they will every get back together. Very sad. I hope the best for you and for your family. Please let us know how things go. I care! Terry

Chrissy, I still have vivid memories of Doug's last weeks. Both at home and in the hospital. They come to me at all different times of the day. These visions always make me cry. Sometimes I hear or see something and the thoughts come flooding in. They were very hard days for me. I also think-if only-. I don't think anything different could have saved Doug but I can't help thinking it anyway. Sometimes I do remember good things. Even those thoughts can make me cry because I think, we can never do those things again. Things will never be the same. Take care, Terry

I haven't posted in awhile. I have checked in to read the postings though, to see how everyone is doing. I am so sorry for the pain each of us is dealing with. One more day to get through and Christmas is over. I did all the traditional things that I have done for years, only this year I did them alone. Doug always rolled, cut and baked the cookies and I would frost them. Doug always went shopping with me. I would wrap the presents and Doug would arrange them under the tree. He would always shake the ones for him and try to guess what they were. Although they still make me cry right now, I am glad for those simple, happy memories. On December 19th it was 5 months since Doug's death. I still feel like I'm waiting for him to come home. 5 months seems like a long time to still feel this way. I just don't want to accept the fact that I am truly alone. I am scared to be alone. Thanks for listening. Terry

Hi Chrissy, On the 19th it will be 5 months for me. The way I feel at times it feels like it could have been yesterday. I was so depressed last night and today. I cried and cried. I went back to work two weeks after Doug's death. I thought if I stayed out any longer I might never go back. Unfortunatley, financially I had to go back. The people at work are so supportive. I am so lucky to have so many people that care about me. I went to a Hope for the Bereaved support group meeting on Tuesday. The counselor asked what is the hardest part of grieving for you. I said the loneliness, the yearning for Doug to be here with me. I need so badly to hear his voice, to touch his face, to hold him in my arms. It tears me apart to be without him. Actually, every part of grieving is the hardest. Don't you agree? Terry

Marty, I also went to the website and plan to go back. There is so much in there I have to wait until I have enough time to read through it. Today someone at work gave me the most beautiful ornament for my Christmas tree. It's called Merry Christmas From Heaven. It has one line from the poem engraved on it. The paperwork that came with it said there is a website. www.merrychristmasfromheaven.com. I have not been to the site yet so I don't know what is on it. It is a pretty poem though. I think I have seen it somewhere before-not sure. Maybe I read it in a book. Terry

Janie, I am so sorry to hear about your mother. What you have gone through is without a doubt a tradegy. How could one survive even more. You may think right now that you cannot but the human spirt is strong and you will get through this. I know you probably do not want to hear this right now because you are angry, but I was always taught that God is merciful and when something bad happens, God is sad for us. I know you must have read the poem Footprints In The Sand. Every morning I say a short prayer, "God, please help me get through this day without Doug." Somedays I think he hears me and other days I wonder if he did. Maybe in time you will be able to ask for His help to get through the day. Coming to this site and having the support of all the great people here is a big help. I know that everyone here has helped me a lot. Thank you everyone! Terry

Hi everyone, Well I guess we made it through the day. I hope all of you had a good day. It went ok for me. I went to my sister-in-laws and had a very nice dinner. A little while after I got home, my dauthter-in-law called and asked me to come over to her mother's for pie-(my son had to work). I got to see my grandson. He is 9 months old and all he has to do is smile at me and I forget everything else. He has helped me so much through this time. Terry

Is everyone else having a real hard time getting through the holidays? I wish I could go to sleep and wake up on January 2,2007. I just wanted to stay home tomorrow and be by myself but my sister-in-law asked me a couple of times to have dinner with them. I refused and when I talked to my mother-in-law, she said how disappointed Laurie was that I wasn't coming over. So guess where I'll be. People think that I shouldn't be alone on Thanksgiving. I'm fine with being alone so I don't have to put on my happy face and pretend that I'm ok. As for Christmas, I dread it even more. I have tried to shop a couple of times and I seem to just walk in circles in the store. I don't know what to get anyone. I can't even think about it. I used to love Christmas. I loved all the ornaments and every year I would add to my collection of snowmen. This year I don't like any of the ornaments or any of the decorations. I did start to put up some outside lights. This is something Doug always did, I was always just the go-for. What a time I had! After some swearing and a little crying and four trips to the store for new lights and extension cords, the lights are up. I'll bet Doug was looking down on me, chuckling and shaking his head. God, I miss him so much. It hurts so-so bad. How can Christmas come when Doug's not here.

Kayc, I am so happy for you. We knew you could do it. I am happy you get to keep your home. That is so-so important! Terry

Chrissy, I also am haunted by Doug's last weeks. He suffered so. I go over the images in my head again and again. The images come at all different times of the day. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and think about it. I usually cry and cry, but I try to hold it together at work. This must be part of the grieving process. Terry