TerryB

Maybe you'll meet someone. Don't beat yourself up. And how about the people who say nothing and act as if nothing has happened.

Derek, I am very sorry you are having such a bad time. It has to be so hard for you but I can tell you are a good father and I think you will make the right decisions for Carson.I hope and pray tomorrow is a better day for you. You always respond to people's postings with such words of encourgement. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Maybe just knowing there are a lot of people here that care helps a little. TerryB

I had a dream of Doug last night and I can't really remember what it was about but I woke up crying at 3:00 this morning. I felt overwhelmed with saddness. I had a hard time getting back to sleep and when I did the dog woke me up at 4:30 am to go out. I gave up then and just stayed up. I'm really feeling it at work today. TerryB

Chrissy, He is so beautiful! Enjoy everyday. He will grow so fast. TerryB

Chrissy, Congratulations! I am so happy for you! TerryB

Dear Jcknjl, I believe mourning is very personal and different for everyone. I still cry and wish for my husband back every day. It hurts so bad and I miss him so much. I learned from my grandmother a prayer to St Theresa, when something is very important to you, to pray for the sign of a rose. When Doug died, a little over two months ago, I prayed to St Theresa. I asked that if Doug is happy in heaven with his father please send me the sign of a rose. Two or Three days after his death, my daughter and I went to the florist to order flowers for Doug's memorial service. I chose what I wanted and paid for my selection. When the cashier came back to give me my receipt, she asked me to wait a minute. She went over to the cooler and took out two red roses and gave them to my daughter and I. I began to cry and told her she would never know how much these roses meant to me. I told her of my prayer. All three of us just cried. I later received a very moving letter from her, in which she mentioned that they do not always give flowers to grieving widow's but she felt so sorry for me because she thought I was so young to have lost my love. So now I know that Doug is happy in heaven. He is out of pain. No more doctor appointments, no more hospital admission's, no more blood work or iv's until his arms are so black and blue and swollen that the nurses don't know where else to put the needles. Does this make it hurt any less for me, no. Every day I think , if only I could turn down the road and drive to the hospital and go inside and he would be there waiting for me. How selfish is that. To want him back so I feel better, so I don't have to suffer anymore. I don't even know the point I'm trying to make except maybe that just because we know our loved one is with God, it doesn't take our pain away. We still need to grieve. I read somewhere that the human spirt is strong and we can survive this and live again. In the mean time every day is an eternity of overwhelming sadness and pain. I can't tell you when it will get better for you but I have faith that it will get better, I hope soon. TerryB

Dear Chrissy, I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. The doctors and nurses ask so many questions at such an emotional time, when the last thing you want to think about is making important decisions like this. It sounds to me that you thought it through and did what you thought Jason would have wanted. Not that an explanation for having Jason listed as a specimen number on the report will make it any easier for you, but maybe that is done for privacy reasons.? When my husband, Doug, died, They also asked me if I wanted an autopsy. At first I said yes then I looked at him and he was so black and blue from all the blood draws and iv's and he had had so many wires and tubes in him I just felt so mad all of a sudden and I thought to myself they are not going to do anything else to him. He has been through enough. The doctor said it could help others and even if it sounds unkind and uncaring I said I didn't care. The nurse asked if I wanted her to call the organ donation people. I have always believed in donating organs. After all Doug was on the transplant list. But the nurse said because of the sepsis they might reject his organs. I thought if I say yes and they say they can't accept any of his organs it would make me feel even worse than I do. So again I said no. I think it was very unselfish of you to consider others and have the autopsy done. I was not as strong as you. You did the right thing. TerryB

Dear Terry, I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband 2 months ago. I still cry everyday but not as many times through out the day and not for as long. It still hurts so bad but just a little less than at first. I am so lucky to have family around and a good relationship with his family. No matter how many people are around though, I still feel lonely. It has helped me to come to this site and just write about Doug and what we went through and to read the replys from all the great people on this site who have reached out to me in my time of need. Take care. TerryB

I am grateful that I was able to spend time with Doug before he died. I can't imagine how it would feel to lose someone suddenly. Doug was in ICU for the last five days of his life and I never left the hospital except to shower, when another family member showed up to sit with him. The nurses brought in a recliner chair for me. I know he was scared because the first night I stayed at the hospital I couldn't sleep at all and everytime I would look over to check on Doug his eyes were open. I said what's the matter hon, are you afraid to go to sleep? He shook his head yes. What an awful feeling that must have been. After that night, he had to be sedated so he did sleep. When he got restless I would tell him it's ok, I'm right here and then he would settle down again. So even if he couldn't speak to me, I knew that he knew I was there. I did as much as I could for Doug when he was in ICU. I told the nurses I wanted to give him his bath and I helped to change his bedding. The nurses showed me how to reposition him several times a day to prevent bedsores.I shaved him, brushed his teeth and washed his hair. Doing all this made me feel better because I felt so helpless otherwise. I couldn't make this go away.

Thank you to all who responded to my posting. It was a bad day. Your support helped. I read through the journal I kept for the last two years of Doug's life-Ever since the day he was diagnosed with primary pulmonary hypertension. I had never even heard of the illness before. It is a horrible disease. I watched an active man who never missed a day of his very physical job, who went hunting and fishing and who took me climbing in the Adirondack Mountains turn into a man that had trouble climbing the stairs at home. There were so many doctor appointments and so many medicines. If I didn't keep a journal we could have never kept track. Each time we went to a doctor we would have to update them, each time we went to the er or to a new specialist I had to go through his entire history. During the last two years there was not one week that he didn't have at least one doctor appointment. Usually it was two or three. He was referred to a hospital in NYC. It's about 300 miles from where we live so it was always at least a one night stay. Twice when we went there he was admitted. The first time for a week. I had to travel by myself to and from the hotel in New Jersey where we stayed, to the hospital in Manhattan. I never really thought about it. I did it because I had to. Even if I was upset I could not let Doug see it because he just kept saying he was so sorry to put me through this. He's the one lying in a hospital bed with the pressure in his heart close to 100 and he is worried about me. Anyway, we did all we could to keep him as healthy as possible. We took all the doctor's advise. He was put on the lung transplant list and was put on a continuous iv injection drug that is administered by a pump through a cath that was placed in his chest. A nurse came to the house and trained us on how to take care of everything. I was trained to change his dressing on the cath. Which I did wearing a mask and gloves from a sterile pack. Doug was on this medicine for about a year and was doing better. This medicine slows the progression of the disease-there is no cure. On June 2nd, 2006, Doug woke up sick with what we thought was a stomach bug. On the second day when he was no better, I said I was calling the doctor. We were told to go to the er. After many tests they found Doug had an infection in his blood-pseudamonas. Doug fought hard but went into sepsis shock. He suffered so in those last weeks. The images go through my head. I saw things no one should have to see. I had to make decisions that no one should have to make. It haunts me. Did I do the right thing?

My husband, Doug, died July 19, 2006. I still can't believe he is gone. I miss him so much. At times the pain is so intense I don't know how I can make it through. Doug and I did everything together. We were a team. Now part of me is gone. I go through the motions of the day because I have to but the feeling is just not there anymore. I have to force myself to get up in the morning. I was late for work three times last week. I don't think I was late a total of three times in the last 16 years I've worked there. Even when Doug was sick, I went to work as much as possible. I was saving my sick time for when he had his lung transplant. He never made it that far and now I regret that I didn't take off more time to spend with him. How I wish I could talk to him just once more. I need to hear his voice. The last few days of his life keep playing in my head. I never gave up hope, even on his last day when the nurse said to me I might want to call anyone who might want to say goodbye to Doug, just in case. I kept saying "just in case right?" Then the doctors started coming in and wanting to talk about dnr's and comfort care. I still can't believe that I kept it together and thought about what Doug wanted and what was best for him, not for me. Doug's mom and sisters came back and I let them each have time alone with Doug. Then they left and I sat with Doug, alone, until the end. The nurse called his sister to come back for me. It was about an hour and a half before she could get back. I just sat with Doug. I held him and talked to him and reminisced about different things we did. I laughed and cried. Eventually his sister and niece showed up and I had to leave him. I was alone, forever.