Gwenivere

My understanding is I will have Medicare A and B. I will then supplement it with a Premera Blue Cross plan for drugs and other specialty items. Premera was my private insurance I was very happy with and want to stick with them. I’m following up with them to make sure this will fairly mimic what I had before Medicare. Thanks for the links tho. I looked at them and need someone who is more an expert to tell my needs to and find what can fulfill it. I don’t want to being doing lots of detective work. I’m mentally in a place that can’t handle it. The change takes place close to the anniversary of Steve’s death so that is why I am praying I make the best decision with the rep I’ve already spent 2 hours with.

I am at a loss as to the best coverage medically. I’m going to have Medicare A and B. I’ve met with a private company for everything else. I was looking at the notes and see why I’m baffled now as they aren’t laid out in detail I remember. At the time, it seemed the best coverage so now I need to call the rep and have her send me what we talked about in specific detail. Costs, deductibles, copays, etc. I tried looking thru the Medicare manual and gave myself a headache and anxiety attack. Just talked to my cousin on the phone and she gave me more info than I could garner from the booklets. Feel a bit better as she is happy with it with the coverage with supplemental. Now to get hard numbers from my agent. I’ll miss zero copays with the higher deductibles.

Did some sleuthing and Marg was here a few hours ago. Now we just need to hear from her if she was close or not. Oh Marg?!? Glad you’re ok Shirley. George, hope you get thru this storm without damage.

If you can find out where it is, you can visit him any time you want or need after the ceremony. Then you can 'talk' to him in private. You said you saw it posted so are there details of where and when? That would at least tell you where he is. I hope you can if that would bring you some peace. 💖

Fortunately most flu shots are free. Most insurance wants to save itself from big complications down the road and this year I’m sure they are really worried about that. You’re Hospital stay sounds like typical Medicare from my understanding. Almost 2 grand is disgraceful. My naive expectations of reasonable and secure health care as I age has been shattered. Il never forget David Letterman saying when he was hospitalized in England for almost a week the bill was $60. Most countries have socialized medicine,but that’s a dlrty word

The thing that gets messy in these situations is the family isn’t obligated to involve you, sorry to say, in plans for memorials or funerals as your weren’t 'legal' family. It’s terrible they are painting a different picture with his ex, but that’s pretty typical. People don’t air hatred or bad feelings at times like this. If there are children involved, they don’t want them exposed to that. I can’t think of any reason to trash talk you, tho. You shouldn’t be in the picture at all if they have negative feelings about you. I know it is extremely hard. Part of my husbands family didn’t tell tell me when they were spreading his sisters ashes and it made me feel like an outsider. When I found out I asked why and there was some reason I don’t remember except it felt made up because they were on the spot. The point is I was/am family. You are not. I don’t say that to hurt you, only in reference to them who are. It’s their choice to include you or not and they have made their choice. You are the one that made him happy. As you said, there are reasons his ex is his ex. She doesn’t want to be faced with you. Death creates so many scenarios for those left behind. Because you have no other choice but to crash a ceremony you weren’t invited to is to try and find some way to tune out that negativity and cherish the times you had with Jesse. Anger is not your friend right now. We all have it, but in this instance, it will make things harder about something beyond your control. His death is enough past your control. If anything, you can be angry that his family is turning their backs on someone good in his life. And if you can think about it clearly at all, where do you see yourself at this ceremony? Not being family or widow, you’d be a bystander and you were so much more than that to him.

Heard about the huge hurricane hitting the gulf. Marg? Are you in the path? Anyone else? Sounds like this is gonna be catastrophic.

I’m trying to figure out why the lonely life I was already living can keep getting worse. More and more keeps leaving me. The isolation has so ramped up without Ally and changes coming turning 65. I’m one that is not handling the pandemic well. I can’t keep fighting this being alone. In accepting it, which I have no choice, each day is harder and ha rder to face. The pain is getting so bad I can hardly do anything but sit. Not using my muscles makes the pain worse. The daily schedule is not giving me some comfort it did, but feels restrictive. The same monotony day and night. I can’t really change it from the pain restrictions. I would give anything to get up and be free to do things my mind wants to, but the body says no. Melody really wants to chase balls. I can’t sit long and enjoy it. Just decide to go do something without worry my legs will give out or oxygen drop. It’s pretty pathetic when walking into the drug store is a major endeavor. Thinking about getting up to do anything you dread. Knowing when you go to sleep every night that not waking up would be better. I got the annual flu shot yesterday since I was in the drugstore. The news here said get it ASAP so it can kick in as best it can when the flu season begins. Hate hearing on the news another surge for covid possible too. But I’m more scared of my sanity than the bugs. Back to the monotony. Listening to a singer on Fallon doing a song called Waiting for the Let Go about nothing lasts forever. How true, but I know she’s singing about breakup, not a death. So sick of commercials. Missing good shows if I have to be a slug.

Precisely why I wanted to keep my docs and not he the choice of specialists hinge on medicare. I’m very particular about where and how far I’ll go to see docs. So much a carryover from Steve and the last few years myself. I want to stick to my neighborhood. No crossing bridges to the east side, going to the U district where I spent so much time with Steve or going either 20 or more miles north or south. I will have to pay copays for my PCP, but it’s a trade off so I can see other docs they wouldn’t allow. The drug thing is the hardest thing to work out. I’m so used to zero copays by summer and that will never happen unless I reach 8 grand out of pocket. Even hospital ER's and admissions are more costly with Medicare.

Thanks, Mary. I did learn to not take the Medicare advantage option. I’ve pretty much decided on using Blue Cross for anything beyond A and B. My meeting was with them and I looked over someone else’s and they were about the same. Rates and copays were a tad smaller. A big part was I didn’t want to be tied to Medicare doctors solely. I want to keep who I have. Anyway, I don’t want to do any more shopping at this point. But that could change so I thank you for the link.

Lost my whole post. This is a long babble. Feel free to ship. I am appalled at the price of medication with insurance and more so from the manufacturers. I do not buy for one second these meds cost what we are told. Perhaps there are a few with so little a demand they warrant higher costs. But big pharma is in it for profits beyond other companies. We clawed our way thru med costs with Steve’s cancer and treatment (another area well over priced). Now I face the same battles as I have added another 6 years to my life. I don’t even have an option on declining Medicare. I will be charged no matter what. This is way too political for here, but the injustice of costs makes me mad and depressed. I got frustrated today and dug put some competition info and stopped myself comparing coverages. I am just going to pray what I have decided on getting will effectively cover me. Sadly, my not having to buy anything for Steve now frees up our budget. It’s not worth another meeting with a company to save maybe $2 on a generic med. this is capitalism gone wrong. This isn't about national or store brand ketchup or peanut butter. This is quality of life and death stuff. I don’t want to be one of the many people I see at the pharmacy chosing which meds they can afford and having to decline others. I pile this in with losing Ally, the rebound grief of Steve, my intolerable pain and inability to do much and feelings of dementia as I can’t think straight or remember simple things. It’s mostly med stuff. I can remember chores and things the house needs. I hope that is a good sign. Something to run past my counselor. All I want to do after I get up is get to early evening to try and get lost in TV or vid games. Wiping down the bathroom killed me last night. It’s so discouraging. As Kieron said somewhere, we have become invisible. Just ghosts already around the living with purposes, family and friends. I get emails from others climbing this older age ladder sad too recalling a driven life and they haven’t even lost their spouse. Loneliness is becoming an epidemic with that and the pandemic. Everyone I know is more functional. That’s hard to hear. Harder to live with. So many things I wish I could do. Throwing Mel’s tennis ball and feeding my parakeets about had me in tears. Have no where to go anymore. I’m not creative enough in this pain to find something more fulfilling to fill the too many hours. I also just heard there is a case of someone getting reinfected with covid now. What wil that men to a possible vaccine? And as always, the daily knowledge we have no knowledge where this is going and for how long. I hate masks, sanitizers and now was once was physical turning into social distancing. Invisible or a leper. I hate feeling a threat and viewing others that way.

Started my day by spilling a bottled water. Mail brought a scare my clinic might be closing, but it was another one so I don’t know why I got a notice. Had a meeting with my current insurance rep for switching to Medicare. Oh my gawd! My head was swimming for how complicated it is. The cost is cheaper, but the copays and deductibles are quite high. Have to change pharmacies as well. All in all I will save nothing and have more restrictions. Have to change so much stuff. I can’t even say I don’t want it and stay with my plan I have now. I'd still get billed for it. So as we get older and money doesn’t go as far, things just keep getting more expensive. I’m all for people having insurance at a reasonable price, but that it doesn’t cover meds is appalling. Now I see why there are seniors out there deciding between meds and food. This is the kind of insurance that makes more sense if your young and barely use it. Golden years? Feh.

Thanks Kieron. Technology got the better of me again!

Very odd I couldn’t edit my own post. I’m quoting it to correct some predictive typing my tablet does that altered what I was saying....that being you had years together, Laurie and that showed how much Jesse loved you. He wanted to marry you. I know you doubt that love from the outcome, but lookin your heart. It’s the shock that is messing you up. We’ve all been there. We all still are at different phases.

Scent and sound are very impacting when we can’t see, touch or talk to them in reality anymore. I have recordings of Steve as mostly music he played and sang. Didn’t think about the scent thing. The clothes I kept he had not worn in a long time anyway. They hold the memories of how he looked before he got sick, the way I want to remember him. Laurie, your pain is sad so to read, but I totally understand it. Time moves so slow now. Everywhere we turn brings reminders of our lost loves. I’m still trying to figure out how to be in love alone. He loved me like life itself. As you were engaged and years together, I know Jesse felt that about you. There will never be another man for me either. He took half of me with him. The loved half. That is why I don’t know how to do the giving love half without him here to receive it.

Laurie, your pain is so deep. I wish we could help you with answers. Am I reading correctly that your fiancé harmed himself? If so, that is a pain I know would make me wonder everything you are. Desperate for answers.

You’re at least a step ahead of me on the surgery. You are at least open and somewhat wanting it. It also sounds like it will be successful. I wish mine had that. 80% success is good, but even with that my body would be very changed I’m told. I say I’d prefer a knee or hip as they have those down to an art. I don’t want any surgery now that I’m alone and yes, Melody figures into that a lot like Kodie. She often needs me to force her out to take care of business being so skittish. I don’t want a stranger here to help me and I’d still have to do a stint in rehab. Then there’s PT. All could be done at home if Steve were here. I wouldn’t be alone or have to be without and worry about Melody. I just don’t get why when we’ve had the worst of all possible losses, tho a child must be unimaginable, we can’t have paid our dues. Just give us usual life aging. Like all the actors on TV. The older than me people I see when I’m out that are still vital and energetic. Aches and pains.....yes. I’m just whining. There’s as many suffering too. Many alone also for direct personal help. I’m not the only one with this kind of hell. It just feels that way when you’re in it. I can’t magically summon a partner or close friend. That is what I truly need and impossible to get.

Thanks, Kay. I will have to make a decision someday. Just not today or tomorrow. This is when that one day at a time phrase is so appropriate. There was a time in life we could prepare for everything. Simpler times. Because we had so much more of it. The stuff we face now is tremendously serious. Unlike before. i hope Kodie's ears are OK. A buddy just got a puppy yesterday. Had a very tough night. Even with help from her partner. They are both in their 60’s and said....no more puppies. I know I could not do that again, so I think YOU are amazing. There’s a sadness in me seeing another thing I couldn’t do. Ah yes, maybe if a had the surgery the docs would tell me. Feh. The truth is for all my conditions and genetics, the limits are truly flowering into absolutes. Every reminder brings up the biggest. Steve is gone and I’m on my own. It’s been that way for almost 6 years, but every time I think of it, it feels like another punch in the gut. No matter how many times, it still hurts just as bad.

I echo what you will hear from many here. All you are feeling is natural and totally redefines you. Life has no meaning. Mine was not a sudden death, but the end was the end and I was devastated. You haven’t had even a week so your heart and mind are in a shock they’ve never known. I don’t know if you have support physically, but you can write anything here and we get it. As Kieron said, we all think as you do. Unfortunately we can’t turn back the clock and we now need time to adapt. APADT only as we will never go back to the person we were. Half of us died with them. I’m so sorry this brought you here, but it’s a safe place you can say any and every you feel. You are not alone here.

Ugh, I changed to some clean jeans today and they were hard to get on. I haven’t gained an ounce in over 40 years, but my thighs and butt have broken down from lack of exercise. I don’t expect to be in marathon shape, but this old age back problem has really taken a toll. I can see it in my thighs just sitting.....flabby. I wrote in the looking for positives thread how frustrating this is getting with limitations. More so than even usual at 64. I was refilling my oxygen humidifier and realized my back up if there is a power outage is not easily accessible so I’ll have to get my friend to get that out of the closet with the winter coming while he’s putting away the AC. I don’t know about any of you, but this is a real esteem crusher. I’m an adult that feels like a child. Tho that child is pain. I see things to do all the time and wonder...can I? And if I can, what will be the fallout? I never knew you had to rebuild your life so much and how hard that would be alone. Harder too when no one you associate with gets it at all. They’re adapting with someone. Keeping more freedom sharing the load. Maybe it’s just an illusion, but all the stuff I pay to have done now we probably would have anyway, but it wouldn’t feel so defeating if that time could be filled being together doing stuff to enjoy each other’s company, not as I feel....ia necessity and leaves me more hours to kill alone.

I planned I’d do the ashes thing today with my friend. But the incompleteness of this pain got to me. What’s odd is I really didn’t feel anything at the time but doing the chore. It wasn’t til I got inside I realized there won’t be any more physical contact. Just tangible remnants of toys and leftover fur here and there. Even how Melody has changed brings reminders. This is gonna be a tough one. More so, as we said, because this is a dog, not a person for talking with people who I’m down. I can’t believe the energy I find to be such a good actor so often. I research anything doctors prescribe for the very fact they really know little of side effects or downplay them. Easy to do if you’re not the one taking them. I hate when they don’t accept something I experience they never heard of trying to keep me on it when my body says no. I don’t mean like little tweaks needed or better times. I mean my body is definitive it’s a no go. sounds like some intense dog play there! Is Bella a pup with razor teeth? i never really ranked bad years until losing Steve. That will always be first. But since then, there haven’t been any good ones. The first year I was in shock so I did a lot of 'positive' things. Framing pictures, getting the yard done, etc. I could also take care of the house by myself. Now I doubt I could sweep the kitchen floor without agony. So this started a downward spiral. I try and do things often finding how hard or impossible they are and it adds more depression. It bothers me my housekeeper is not optional anymore. Granted I am 64, but all I have across the board have been told is the back surgery. It could be the miracle, it could be a sentence of incurable decline. I’ve never been a gambler so I’m looking resistant because a failure would mean back to this and no Steve and a long journey to find that out. Even darker, having to relocate for assistance. I’m absolutely petrified at that thought. I’m pretty sure Melody does her skittish awareness of noise when I’m gone. She seems to sleep more in the evenings when things are done for the day like neighbors inside and trucks not going by. But she’s always up for play if I instigate it.

I hope getting out helps, Kay. It’s an addiction for me mentally. Never, ever stayed home all all day unless snowed in. Even then t was see how far I could get in the snow as being trapped is the worst feeling to me. I already feel that internally. it sounds like we both are looking for some control. We desperately need that where we can find it, all of us. It’s so easy to be tossed around by life. We’re found that out in the biggest of ways. i did get Ally’s ashes spread and watered in. It was back breaking but it was nagging me she hadn’t finished her journey and needed me for that, one last thing. I’ll miss being needed again. I had talked to my grief counselor about feeling so weak and unlikeable. I thought I had frustrated her with my need to feel pity for myself last session. She apologized thinking she hadn’t validated me. But she did by letting me talk and not interrupting. I took it she didn’t like me that way. Now I have to tell her she didn’t do anything wrong. This is the worst year for me too, not counting 2014. I don’t know why so many things converged. But they did and I can’t change them. I’m trying to do regular stuff like home maintenance and there has been obstacles every step of the way. Not one thing has gone as planned. Medical stuff is a debacle. The Medicare year. All things that push my limits. Make the thought of getting up harder each day. I could barely stand at the door to throw the ball for Melody. I’m adding supplements, you’re trying to get rid of diabetes stuff. It’s always something now. I hope you can, Kay, to maybe simplify your life a bit. I hate having all this stuff to do and take now beyond what I did for a long time that seems like nothing now. Im glad you got to see some dog play. I miss that and having 2 kids around to keep it more social around here. It’s what I’m used to.

It’s certainly more complicated now that I'm trying to set up Medicare and be as covered as is possible. I don’t want to run into a med like you have that isn't covered. I have a list of my docs and meds to go over with the insurance rep coming over Monday. I had given this info to another in Florida, but he was a broker for the company. This woman actually works for Premera and we can get it set up easily....she says. I did find out that one med will need a letter to get brand and one doc I will have to switch. Thereis another in his office that is signed up with Medicare. I have talked to her when I was in the hospital, so not a total stranger. Yup, it was easier when we were young and rarely needed docs. Aspirin and birth control pills were all I had in my pharmacy. Prison is a perfect metaphor. At least there are opportunities for visits. This prison is nicely furnished as I can come and go. But I’m always in solitary it feels. I think the sleep disruption is the worst part of this trying to make our way thru this endless trek. I get 7 hours too, but wake up after a couple hours and the rest is not good sleep. I’m always exhausted when the alarm goes off. Sometimes an hour before and it’s a twilight sleep because I dread the real waking and having to get up. I don’t want to sleep my day away either. I miss looking forward to the day. when daytime was fulfilling just as sleep was a cherished respite. Seems like a fairytale now. This reality I haven’t found an adequate word for, but it isn’t a good one.

Thank you to all who lit a candle for Ally. Every one lightened the load a little bit. I still haven’t adjusted to the void she, and because of her, Steve has created. I’m sitting here in a fog not knowing what to do with myself. The inability to walk easily and lack of places to go from the virus are a huge challenge. Pretty much anything I try and do will just add more pain. I may put her ashes out this evening. My friend is coming up Saturday and I need him to put away the portable AC. I know he would do this with me too, but I’m going crazy feeling no purpose being here. People have called about repairing the deck, my dead tree, Medicare and I just want to scream saying none of that matters! My baby is gone along with my best friend. Not their fault, but that doesn’t matter to my heart and mind. I gotta go somewhere first tho. Escape this house! I’ll never get used to not having needs like when I had a family. I’m sure the news will be the usual. A forever changed world and whacko politics. The weather is the only thing that makes sense.

I’m always amazed how each day brings things I never expect. That’s regular life, but it’s now stuff that challenges me amount changes from age or coincidentally happen to me while I’m particularly vulnerable. A bill not submitted to insurance, info from Medicare and my insurance company saying they don’t provide drug coverage in their supplements, changes I made to my investments and beneficiaries never got delivered. So an afternoon full of calls. The most annoying was recalling my insurance after looking at info they sent regarding Medicare with many plans for drug coverage. Call them back and sure enough, another rep tells me they do. So I gave him my doc and med list and he assures me we can get this in place next week to kick in November 1st. Do I trust this will go smoothly? Nope. But, I gotta do something to get this in place. Its always timing. It didn’t really matter in the past. We tackled things as a family. Steve hated this stuff too but was used to red tape from his job being a VP and having the reconcile various suppliers. Plus we would have been thru this 4 years ago had he made 65. He probably would have talked with the rep and just gotten the paperwork for me to agree to. He was my hero that way. I handled insurance stuff for decades, but is was within whoever we had coverage with. He was always so grateful to not have to deal with it. Same with the bank. It really sucks when a partnership is broken that didn’t crush you on your own. I miss talking at night and relaxing after a bad day. Escaping together. Now it’s killing time to start all over again with no real down time. A big hug from him would feel so good right now. Or me calming him down that we have the night to wind down so let’s use it. Got The Call of the Wild to watch......alone. It’s a dog movie which he would have loved.