Gwenivere

You don’t know how much that helps me to hear, Dee. I’m so in the midst of rethinking my choice. There’s an energy missing even tho she was more withdrawn than I ever knew her to be. The places she laid seem so huge now. I want to cup that beautiful face in my hands and look in her eyes. It’s (hopefully) tricks of the vulnerable mind. I don’t want to feel I made a mistake with a life entrusted to me. Forseeing down the road is something we all possess. I meant it in a negative way as when I look ahead now I just see more sad and lonely times. I live them in the now. It’s the past the I see good times. Purpose, excitement, anticipation and even in the hard times, someone to shoulder them with. I don’t want to see the future because, at my age, it’s not going to get better. Now, if that vision could show me some comfort, I’ll definitely pass it along to everyone I know! The closest I’ve come is sleeping. In that I am free and so is every person and being I know or have known.

Oh, I am soooooo with you on that. I liked the one I was on before I landed in this one. This one is too messed up and upsetting for my taste. Leaves little if anything to look forward to. Stole the spring from my step and changed me into someone I don’t even now anymore. I need one if those tickets.

OK, where does everybody go on the weekends? Have some of you found ways to take days off I’m not aware of? 😎 today was typical, yet magnified because of Ally. No news there. Dee and Kay, I don’t know how you handled this at all. The regret I feel, which I am told not to, is I did this too soon. Even tho it could have become bad as this did involve her legs and kidneys and who knows what else and I was tired of being on high alert and making special meals. I question if I didn’t want out from under that even tho I KNOW I loved her more than anything I had in my world now. Ugh, I won’t drone on about it as you’ve all been so wonderful and if I was maybe a few weeks premature, this as inevitable. It’s being human and the ability to foresee down the road that becomes a handicap at times. I’m not all here. I put my nicotine path out with a comb instead of the scissors to open it. Fumbled with med bottles getting morning pills that haven’t changed in years and had to really think about it. Had a cinnamon roll to take out for the birds and stared at it for a long time wondering if I planned on eating some of it with lunch or it all went. Forgot to put Mel’s collar on and often call her Al. I feel like I am slipping away. So untethered to anything that matters anymore. How I am now 'free' to have that unwanted back surgery as I don’t have to worry about Ally. Mel is covered. But as much as I struggle with this crippling pain, what is the point of the long rehab? I look in my soul of what I’d gain except easier walking as far as fulfillment in this life and see nothing. You have to see possible reason to fight to do it. Then there is the news I am high risk. I don’t know what that involves, but I do know it means more complications to even have it done. There is literally something wrong with me from head to toe. 5 conditions. My true and needed motivating factor, Steve, is gone. This is the cost, for me, of losing him. No children, no family, no friends that are like family in my close world. Cut off from my passion at the nursing home. Things I would want to do I physically can’t. I don’t know what you would call it but I’m not suicidal, but I don’t care about living. I wouldn’t intentionally do anything, but only have fear that something might happen to make things worse instead of ending it. Trapped in your body and dependent. I have paperwork done to avoid that, but if it happened before found it’s almost impossible to get undone. I know, these thoughts are way out there. I’m not supposed to 'give them power' according to my counselors. Haven’t figured out how one does that about a situation you may not be able to speak for yourself. I already feel like I am but a shell of the person I was. And when I think it can't get worse, it does and I should know better on that one. So, another day of indecision. Call the vet counseling line and hope there is someone there? Bug a friend? Call my counselor who just heard all this yesterday? Sit and stare into space with the always hovering 'why?' ? Guess I’ll start with cleaning the bird cage. That’s a no brainer. Has to be done and with good reason. Sad it’s the only thing I have today except maybe taking a shower just cause I don’t want to get comfortable not caring about that. Just wish it didn't hurt.

Regrets are hitting hard now. Flooded by Ally, Belle and Steve. I called Lap of Love and they have a free counseling service I will email this evening as I have a counseling session soon which will help. I thought t was bad waking to the emptiness with Steve. It was more than enough. It’s been killing me at night preparing for the next day by half. I saw on my to do list brush the GIRLS. It’s Melody now. I’ve received nothing but support, more than I exoected yet I’m in that dark hole. Steve predicted this for himself had I had left first. S that’s 5 dogs lost in my circle in this month. Time to go out and breathe the world, such as it is and then come home to Melody a hopefully more together mom. Cunselling did help. If I could just master that the 'evil' thoughts are normal and to not give them power. Time. It always takes time. Time that moves so slow the one instance we are willing to give it up faster.

Sounds like you handled today well, Marg. You got the chore done and got to see Billy. Great you weren’t hurting, but Walmart would be intimidating to me. Never have cared for the place. Too big! But that is colored by pain too. I’m so sick of fearing my legs will give out. How on earth can Kelli blame you with the covid restrictions? That isn’t fair. I get being angry about it too, but I can’t blame anyone for it except maybe the first infected person, but they didn’t even know. I mentioed in another post talking to a long distance friend that thinks this is a hoax. Wish it were, tho a sick, no pun intended, one. I guess to her all the footage of hospital workers and tallies of deaths are 'fake news' or coincidental. I think you can guess her political allegiance. Funny how people change. She is so intellgent and was a radical in our youth. Why we bonded. Ah well, can only hope she stays healthy and not (as I did today) say anything. I’ve got Ally on my mind right now, and I do wear a mask. Hope you have more good dreams of Billie and a way to soothe the waters about the birthdays. Hugs!

Warning, I don’t feel myself at all and do and don’t make sense. I say things that sound like I’m more in pity of me than Ally and that is NOT true. I’m so messed up by this. Can’t even speak her name to anyone without breaking down. I had more calls than I realized and the tissue pile grows. ***************** It is hard. This morning the routines were the same, but only half done. Only 1 vitamin, bowl of food, snack cracker and no pills set out for various times thruout the day. Worst thing being no face I’m used to seeing for over 15 years. Condolences here and private mail. I’ll take back the med stuff that was driving me nuts. I feel this little pit of guilt in relief I don’t have to fight her on pills and start making special meals. Tho that was a big flag to me as we never did that with any dog. We’d try it and say if this is what it takes, this means it’s getting worse. She got so finicky it angered me. That wasn’t right. Spitting out cookies or treats. Other times gobbling them up, no rhyme or reason she could tell me. I cant speak of her without crying. I just called my shrink about payment and as soon as I mentioned her I was awash in tears. The pain is so unbearable right now and I had this crazy thought that my back and leg pain would ease since I had to pay such a high price in my heart losing my baby. But they persist. How much more is life going to keep taking away? I have an errand to run this afternoon, could wait, but I can’t stand being barraged by mental paralysis or breakdown. So I’ll go out and hope my leg doesn’t go dead on me so I can come home to Melody and be greeted by a happy dog. I can’t tell if she misses Ally. She’s had to be so independent as Ally isolated more. And then, they do much better than we do accepting the now. She probably wouldn’t remember she already ate lunch if I ate again. I know she hasn’t forgotten her tho. Not yet. Wish she could cry with me. Thought I posted this. This day has been a mental jumble. You just never know what people will say. My childhood best friend was totally empathetic bring a dog mom, but the conversation led into the covid virus being a hoax and controlled by the 'deep state'. (Why I don’t call her much anymore, she’s pretty out there on a lot of stuff). My chilly shrink left me a warm message. Had he not identified himself I’d think I was dreaming. Ran into a pic of Ally reconciling my Visa from the vet as they always put their pics on them. Cut it out and slipped in my desk drawer. She’s about 8 and in her prime. The vet left a paw print clay thing that is hardening. Booklet about grief. Off to finish the first day and pick up all the Kleenex.

Ally’s gone. It went differently than other times which will haunt me for awhile. Don’t want to type details. Am so very grateful my buddy was here as he knew her so well and got to say goodbye. Vet said blips of being better were common and do complicate the decision. The most helpful thing he said is how did I want to remember her. She would never 'get better'. Just have better days sometimes, like today. I’m glad she wasn’t in pain, but also, that in his practice he saw less regret not having waited as things can get bad so quickly and you’re stuck waiting for help. So I’m in shock mode right now. Her collar is here. Her meds. She’s nowhere to be found, and I have a lot if crying in my future. 💔 Thank you all for being here for me. It means the world to me. ❤️

Vet coming in half an hour to do assessment as she ate and went outside. I’ve not had a med professional look at her on this so I need his opinion on this and forth crisis mode. To me she is just existing. She may eat, but then she wants to just lay down. A buddy is coming from work to be with me. I have to not only consider her, but myself watching a once vibrant being that has no interest in anything. Doing extra cooking that hurts me. I definitely don’t want to wait til she would have terrible pain. I don’t even know how much she feels now. Thank you all for being here. I’ll update when I can. Oddly, I feel the same way, just existing and it will get emptier, but I don’t think the vet can help me with that. This is the cost of loving too much. Feeling guilty for not being able to do anything to keep her as long as possible because it’s just buying time she is passing unable to do what she loved. This notbeing clear cut pain decision waving questions. Vet here. Knots in stomach, have to put Mel outside.

The night is proceeding as I exoected. Am i doing the right thing right now? I’m looking for an out. 😓

I, too, hope they got everything, Kay. Are the people that own the dog that bit you helping on fees? 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹 tomorow I am letting Ally get her wings. It’s time and the hardest thing I’ve done since losing Steve. The virus complicates what is already an emotional time. My cousin said she will be on the phone with me and 2 others have offered support where needed. I know this is the ultimate act of my love for her. My buddies and Dee helped me see I can’t be selfish about this for Ally's sake. I can’t say anymore right now. I’m numb and swallowed in pain already. I don’t know how I will sleep and wake up knowing this awaits us. 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹

I remember reading a book called Bellevue as a teen about a hospital in NY. One case was a guy who was complaining about a pain in his back and when instructed to sit and wait they saw a knife there when he turned. I can only imagine what they see in ER's. I know the burn out rate is high there. I can see why. The pressure and patient impatience, sure know I got it all the time. Now with the virus it is so much worse. More stuff to do when they were dashing about before. Now no one wants to go there. Not that we ever wanted to before , but it’s so dangerous. The last time I went the nurses wouldn’t come in the room unless it was absolutely necessary. It was all intercom.

This is what we get in a pay as you go state. I’m always amazed what value they put on my house and land. It would never sell for it. Every time schools or parks want something they turn to us. I think gas prices pay for the roads, I hope so. We got so fed up that when voting if we saw the words 'property taxes' it was an automatic no. I’ve yet to see any accountability for the increases that have passed. I’m always wondering what they did with the last increase? Can’t they have bake sales and raise their own money? 😁

Gin, I never know what to say. I’m glad you had a visitor since your kids were tied up. It’s just never the same. Never will be. Of course you miss him. You were each other’s world. Age doesn’t matter regarding that. ❤️

I’m really getting worried about Ally. She’s very picky about food, if she eats at all, and restless. I called the mobile vet once since she was here and afraid to again as this may be what I truly dread. She’s on antibiotics so I keep praying that is what’s bothering her. I’m torn today because my protector side says to call but I also have to talk with my shrink for my meds for the anxiety disorder and play humble to his power over me. I’m also in more pain from sleeping in a weird position. Sick to my stomach from gawd knows what. I accidentally took more thyroid meds this morning so hoping that doesn’t mess me up more. Last thing I need is something stimulating to my already heightened stress level. I don’t have enough arms to carry this many swords. I’m 2 short and I know where they went 5 years ago. Bracing for a heat wave too. In the past it seemed simpler with the portable AC. Didn’t have a crippling back and all the othe worries. No frigging covid either which really ha nothing to do with it, but I’m pissed about it anyway. I was at the church yesterday to pickup a meal as I donate to them and there was a couple, maybe 3, people not waiting properly, no masks, trying to get more food while so many were waiting. The church people even got annoyed and had to tell them to back off for safety and if they wanted more would have to wait til they were packing up for anything leftover. I was turning down things so others could have them. Basically wanted a sandwich and chips. I had wondered if I deserved to take anything, but my counselor said despite the checks I send them, it was a good opportunity for social connections as I talk to more people as I see them every weekend now. Most from the two tent cities right by it. I kinda feel I belong with them. Seems arrogant to say since I have a house, but I do see other women drive there and take things home. Their faces look lonely like mine. I could be projecting, but they only take one meal. Decent SUV's. I cannot imagine having to live in tents and have no finances if I needed something. It’s a very conflicting feeling when I am with them as they don’t have something I do.....loneliness. They are a tight knit community. Helping each other. The caring there I see is amazing. If you did feel down, there are so many to turn to. this is truly the most confusing and challenging time in my entire life. It is influenced by medications and loss. Knowing I am not thinking as I used to and that really bothers me the most. Having to rely solely on myself when I’m not myself could make me make decisions that aren’t the best. Doesn’t matter about a salad dressing, but it does about my dogs life or treatments for me. I wouldn’t have Steve make them, but we all know how we miss having them to help us. How we might do more if we had the help. How we’d make hard choices sounding off each other. Everyvday I don’t know what to do to live this life left to me. Every single job that was part of that relationship is gone. I’m doing things I never would have to fill gaps that really can’t be. I’m aware I’m fooling myself. There’s so little to do now. At the nursing home, we all felt better about the people that didn’t know they were mentally compromised. It was the ones that did that suffered so much more. I get it now more powerfully than I ever did.

Great news, Karen. One less overpriced professional. Only 30 years? Geez, can’t they make anything last a decent amount of time? 🙂. My gutters are rusted thru a lot of places. Never have figured out the use of them. Water rolls off the roof anyway, just to designated random places thru the downspouts. Would be a fortune to replace and, for some reason, our house can’t have those covered ones that never need cleaning. So a company gets mucho bucks twice a year to scoop them out and haul off the debris. Owning a home can become a money pit.

So right on, Marg. I can’t think of one morning that he isn’t on my mind within moments of waking up. Then come the big thoughts that a whole day is ahead to face without him. He’s never there to snuggle with at bedtime. All those holidays are more salt in the wound. It will never feel right to wake up alone anyway, but especially Christmas, birthdays or once very special family days. We celebrated our furry kids bdays as well. That was always a burger night. Gawd, the memories just never end. If only the real thing didn’t.

❤️❤️❤️ All of you! ❤️❤️❤️

And another day begins with no escape. Nothing to look forward to and seeing Ally didn’t eat much breakfast. Wind up the worry meter. Heat is ramping up. Pain is still barely tolerable. My 'plans' for the week are 5 Zoom calls, only one being social. Don’t feel I can discuss Ally with the gal as she will talk about ending it and I want to have that kind of discussion with someone extremely close to me that I don’t have. Thank you, Dee for your so understanding reply. The quote is so true! I’m sorry about the dog show. I know my seeing dog stuff is gonna tear me up and I’m pretty shredded already. But she’s still here so I know (thanks to other dogs and Steve) I’m not even close to the true impact. I feel in a gray zone between the people that end things almost like it’s an inconvenience, tho it’s really they want to stop suffering before it starts, and those that hold on too long. I need to message my buddy that lost his this week because of finding cancer they saw no signs of. I don’t understand how it got found at a dental cleaning. He said they didn’t know he was sick. Yet they let him go. I’m perplexed. Plus lining up puppies in a day. I guess this really should be posted in thecpet forum, but I don’t know those people as my family here. For those this is unrelatable or off topic for here, I apologize. Will try and keep it briefer. Only have a couple escape trips today. A paper and the church. The home to shower and sit. I dread talking to my shrink tomorrow. Have to play a good prisoner to his power over my meds. Thatvmakes me want to cry. I miss my old docs that were my partners and didn’t grill me. I always feel like I am in court talking to him. That I have no other source depresses me. I’m going to try and be grateful it is a Zoom call and not in person. It’s so odd not to want to show your tears to a mental health person. But he is so cold tho he says he understands. It’s contradictory. as always, I am so focused on how if Steve were here that every single thing I am juggling would be cut in half or more. How much easier it would be to accept this is life now. It’s running it’s course as it would. I never anticipated becoming a tamtrum throwing child again. But I can’t hold my breath and guilt life to give in.

@Miss_my black Italian chef I’m so sorry about your loss. It’s so natural you are asking for answers to 'what ifs' as you were estranged at the time. Those is us that weren’t still get those thoughts regarding how we tried to help and if we failed. Not that it helps much now, it will later, but this is normal in the beginning shock. Not knowing the cause is tough. If you had talked his last night it wouldn’t change biology, but it would have helped your heart. But you didn’t know or you would have called. You are in shock and guilt. I assure you, there is no guilt but it will take time for you to see it. I hope you find the cause (sounds like communication is a bit strained) and that will give you a better target than yourself and having changed things. I don’t think any death is complete. There are always things we wish we could have done no matter all we did. One member here’s boyfriend went for a jog and died. She could have never anticipated that. That’s like our soulmate getting in a fatal traffic accident. We don’t live fearing we will lose them unless it is a case of disease like cancer. The nost solace I can try to offer is you are feeling normal reactions, painful as thy are. the dating again comment is crushing. We all know how outsiders have no clue to how this changes us forever. As time goes by you will learn to protect yourself from those that think it can be fixed and you made whole again. Their intentions are good, but they are blind to how hurtful these comments are. They care about us but don’t know how to handle it any more than we do. It’s natural to try and help. You will have to tell them how and it might be to not say anything at all and just hold you as you grieve. Let you express anything and refrain from saying anything as it could invalidate your feelings at the time which will be changing constantly. Intensity will get worse or you go numb, you will experience your own journey. Friends need to accompany you as a partner, not to change you. You still have him in your heart and the dog he brought home. Voicemails. Knowing he loved you and you him. Memories probably too hard to turn to right now. I couldn’t look at my guys picture and listen to his voice for almost 2 years. They were etched in my head anyway. I had to scream and sob and curse the universe for taking him. It was all so unfair. If you think back, life wasn’t so hard when hey were here, it is this loss that makes it that way. Something I remind myself every day.

I was out today and met the greatest puppy. A4 month old husky with the traditional blue eyes. Fir a brief time I was the center of her universe. She even shook already. The guy she owned must have been waiting for someone in the store. When I broke away I felt so sad about Ally. I thought about Dee's Maddie and 3 other dogs lost of people I know this last month. While I have logistics in place, it will be my first loss of a baby without Steve. I have so much ambivalence about it. Anger I don’t know where to direct. I scared her and I as i lost my temper big time trying to give her the meds she takes in the evening. I guess I felt pulled back to being a nurse to our dog we lost just before I lost Steve and that horrid time. I’m trying to take care of me too this time. Resources are slim.I talked with some people at the community center where they give out meals. Didn’t want to come home. Wanted to be with people but they all had places to go. So I came home to the aloneness yet again. I know this means going to bed and doing it all over in the morning. It’s supposed to be date night. I’ve spent it changing light bulbs, filling pill boxes and lost in times that were. Covid or not, it’s not Saturday night anymore. They’re all the same. He’s missing. I hurt. Guess it’s back to iPad games til sleep. I have recollections of fun nights. Nights you didn’t want to end. This all cost too much and I don’t remember agreeing to it.i wishthere was an esape clause.

Karen, I grew up in NM so I am quite familiar with Roswell and Area 51. Seeing odd lights in the sky and being told it was from (then, don’t know if it’s still called) Kirkland Air Force Base. Never saw green guys shopping tho. 😁 bigfoot isn’t a big deal here anymore. I love the new Progressive commercial where Flo s talking to hm and he says his name is Darryl. I’m sorry to hear you lost intimacy too and hurtful things were said. It’s something I’m wondering why its hitting me so hard now. Guess I had lots of other stuff to get to get thru and it’s its turn. We noticed a change a couple years before the diagnosis which made sense. By then it had affected him mentally creating anxiety which is a sex killer right there. I was relieved it wasn’t a loss of attraction. I wish he hadn’t belittled himself tho. I think I made it worse by trying to ignite things when I should have let him make that call as I probably added to his frustration. All I have to do every day is turn on the news to hear about some 'sleazebag' still here who hurt or killed someone. Ruined someone’s else’s family and they (hopefully if justice wins) got a cot and 3 hots. We recently had a rookie cop shot at a routine traffic stop and it’s so terribly sad. Who knows the good he may have done just starting out. Another poor cop accidentally killed a young girl that a fleeing felon put between him and the police in a nanosecond. Two families haunted and he in jail. Makes me want to reconsider equal justice but I can’t support more loss of life. Going back on track to our grief, sadly you are correct. No rhyme or reason beyond nature, both human and biology. Doesn’t mean I can’t stomp,my feet and complain tho. Sometimes it helps to cuss the world out. I’ll admit, there are times I’d like to smack happy people, but only from envy. If I didn’t see that then there would be something terribly wrong with the world. It’s justvhard to take never feeling it anymore. The most I get is out of myself for little bits when talking to cashiers or the rare person in line at the store that realizes talking from 6 feet away thru masks is OK. There’s such silence shopping now amid customers. This is weirder than Area 51. Kay, we have to embrace the insides now. Strange beings havectaken over our bodies. 👽

I didn’t know what to expect when Steve died. Some people took it harder than others. Or it seemed that way. Now I think about their personality types and they pretty much match. Of course there was a lot when it happened and for a few months. I almost felt smothered in welll intentions. Dinners offered out or brought in, drinks, pick up anything needed. After a few months things slowed down and I was into counseling and adapting to so many changes I didn’t pay much attention. In fact, people brought it up to me. This doesn’t mean I wasn’t screaming and crying when I was alone or talking with someone I knew well. At the year mark I sent out a global email to everyone and got nice replies. Always saying if I needed anything to call. I thought about doing that the 2nd year but decided a year was enough for friends. It wasn’t like he didn’t come up in conversation. People did carry on, as the should, IMO. They didn’t spend the kind of time nor had as deep a relationship. I know they truly cared for him but they did have full lives to live. We did basically the same when friends lost their loved ones. We would ask if they needed anything and would be available if needed. People usually turn to their own blood family as time goes by. I was fortunate I had his sister for 4 months til she suddenly passed. His brother is not an emotionally sharing guy so I didn’t expect much from him. He still helps me tech stuff like Steve did, but that’s about it. You mentioned her sister. That may be like my BIL. I’m not a blood relative and Steve asked him to treat me as such, but you can’t force people. I settle for tech support. No sharing childhood memories like his sister. Your SIL Has her own grief and isn't obligted to share that with you. I don’t know what the relationship was like before Nancy left. It’s been over 5 years now and I’ve watched and live all the changes. They are really only relevent to me. Seems saying I am a widow only counts when I have legal or medical things come up and don’t have someone that can help me. It happens having to ask neighbors or strangers for help with things I cannot do. I know how he affected and enriched the people he cared about lives. They do to. There is only one person that I discovered used him and banished from my life and am grateful Steve did not know fully, tho he suspected. Maybe you need to ask yourself just what you want or expect from her friends. Maybe it warrants telling them, but honestly? I doubt it. Not unless you were tight with them as well and you were asking for yourself, not her since she isn’t here to return anything to them. i know it’s hard and lonely and we want them to matter to everyone as much as they did to us. But if that were the case, I would be drowning in grief of people we lost that I miss terribly, but cannot take under my wing as full time grief.

I hope you can turn this around as there is nothing wrong with you. I see a lot wrong with nature, politics, medicine, the world, how many treat others and more. I know there is nothing wrong with me that warranted this pain. I do often say 'why me?' Or 'why us?' But I know there is no answer. But I do know it isn’t because of some defect either of us had. If this were true, then all mourners would be unusual and we know that isn't true.

I don’t know what is going on with problems lately concerning appliances or services like water. What I DO know that timing is never good, but for some reason everyone seems to be getting hit. I have a former best friend in NM who told me about some cosmic energy thing coming that was going to mess with stuff. She also believes aliens are here so I didn’t pay it much bother. Maybe there is curse in place like in Once Upon a Time. I mean, we were having do much fun with the pandemic and each of our personal physical woes, why not add in more just to make it a true test of how much a person can take? I know I woke up this morning thinking if the world ended right now, that would be just fine with me. I was barely out of bed and got a call from some private company about Medicare supplemental crap. Bad enough my mail is full of it. Essentially they are telemarking and that’s a no no since I’m on the do not call list. I hope this isn’t the next phase of being bothered. Then another call from a bullpen in India about who knows what, I could barely hear the guy and the accent was too limiting. I hate those most of all as they usually run computer scams pretending to be Microsoft. Since I get bored a lot, I simetimes want to mess with them but they always hang up. Steve once did that playing along, acting all scared, what should he do and it was fun. I forget how he ended it but I remember laughing so much. Wow, just made myself sad with that memory. Guess cause I never laugh anymore. I really haven’t truly since he left. Body changes? Tell me about it! I watch the music guests on late night TV and the women that strut their stuff in slinky stuff remind me of my time. I'm not boob endowed, but being once almost 6 feet tall, I had the legs. Flat stomach. Made the most if it too in how I dressed. Steve would often tell me about the oglers. That sounds so vain, but I was back then. Notes on my car, mght go on a date and then not be able to ge rid of them. So I look in the mirror now and see just another misshapen older, grey haired lady no young person would ever think I was ever anything but. I’m learning that now. I guess I also assumed old people just came that way. When I volunteered I saw pics of the people in their youth. Didn’t mean 'I' was going to end up that way......ha! Denial is powerful. I really miss sex. Might as well just say it. Wasn’t a romantic about it either. Too boring. Passion. Intense. I see both on TV and so miss that heat. Really miss kissing. Yeah, I miss holding hands and such, but it’s a part of me that cant be filled in only the way Steve and a very few others could. It’s been so long because after the diagnosis in 2009, it was hard for us to feel that spark. So over a decade of losing that integral part of our connection. We both felt it. He felt like a failure, I felt helpless to stop him from taking that on and we didn’t talk about it much because it was too painful to. There would never be a way we would feel OK about that loss. It was an unspoken feeling we shared at trigger times that normally would have led to that. (Adding in here we weren’t the champagne and roses type, more the rip your clothes off.) So now I sit waiting to talk to my grief counselor again. Another week of complaining (uselessly as I know I can’t change anything but I still want to, detrimental complicated grief) and her listening knowing I already know that. Absolute frustration about the back pain and taking care of Ally that sometimes causes resentment towards her, but it’s really at what my life has become. Nothing could have prepared me to have to live a life of such loneliness being a huge extrovert. This is like getting the death sentence for......I don’t know what! Living a moral life? Giving to others for 25 years at Foss? Helping my friends and family when I had them? Cocreating a marriage that was so based on honesty and rules of engagement to avoid conflicts that were toxic? Keeping our physical connection thriving? Not bothering the world in a live and let live attitude? Even if I believed in karma, I can find nothing he or I ever did deserving this. Be it him or me let behind. My counselor says I am stubborn. She is right. I know I carry blame for that. I don’t how to accept all this. If only it would pause for a bit so I could catch up and maybe figure out some coping strategies that could be core along with the daily shifts tha will always continue.

@KarenK my gawd, woman! You poor thing being hit by so much in the past few daysI swear something is awry cosmically. Seems so many I hear from are getting hit by with chaos right now. I lost a tooth at the gumline a couple months ago. No reason I can find nor my dentist. I’ve had chipping, but totally gone? It would be one I’d need for a bridge I need eventually. I’ve alao got 2 fingernails. coming off. I don’t get it. I want to blame the pandemic for it because none of this happened before. I didn’t even know about the missing tooth til after dinner. How can I chew a meal and not crunch a whole tooth? My appliances have been acting weird as well as my desktop computer. It’s like this rebellion is happening all around and in me. We are facing close to 90 degree weather here next week and of course my living room fan is making odd noises. Inhope you can get thecwater leak fixed easily. Dental stuff is such a pain in the butt. It’s rarely simple and NEVER cheap. And you to, Marg? I hope your not into much pain today. I’m always afraid of tripping and falling because I don’t know if I could get up. I’d be the old lady in the commercial that’s run forever. I’d hate to use my medic alert button for that. More dignity in something else. Help, I’ve fallen because I stepped in my own oxygen tubing! Sheesh.