TerriL

Gwen, I've had dreams like that, too. There is the possibility though that the dream could have been a visitation by Steve. Maybe he was letting you know that he is still there with you and was holding you as you slept. It's little comfort when we wake up to cold reality, of course. We're so happy and hopeful while we're asleep having the dream---it's so wonderful to see them and talk with them---and then your eyes open to the loneliness. Those are the dreams I wish could come true for all of us.

Well, you DO have x-ray vision, too, and can leap tall buildings in a single bound, right?

I'm waiting to do that, but it sure has not been easy lately. Of course, if you thought you were also in Hell, that would explain why YOU can see me! lol My mom passed away at home under hospice care. I was sleeping at home (Paul was at the fire station) and I suddenly jolted awake. I looked at the clock and it was 4:00am and I had the instant thought "My mom just passed away." It was almost as if I felt her presence. I shook it off and told myself I was being dramatic, that I must have just had a bad dream and I should go back to sleep. About fifteen minutes later, the phone was ringing and that's when I knew. It was my sister, telling me that our mom had passed at 4:00am. Now I know with certainty that my mom WAS in the room with me, telling me she was leaving and that she loved me. I also had experiences after my Nana had passed away, but it was via the telephone. My Nana and I had actually made a pact at one point. We promised each other that whoever went first would communicate with the other to let them know there is something beyond this life. We never told anyone else about it. I won't go into details because it would take too long, but I know that I received messages from my grandmother because the events that occurred were far too specific in nature to be mere coincidence. The odds of what happened being simply an "accident" would be astronomical. Maybe the times when Paul has been quiet were him being with his parents and middle brother again. Maybe even with my parents and grandmother. But, I know Paul. He'll get to the point where he will tell them he has to break away to check on me because he knows how much I'm missing him and still need him. He always worried about me.

Clematis, in the Wiccan religion, Halloween (actually Samhain or All Hallow's Eve), is the night when the veil between the living and dead is at its thinnest, allowing the souls to cross over to visit with loved ones. It's actually a very reverent evening, where people light candles to honor and guide their loved ones and place food and drink out to nourish them on their journey. Obviously, the food and drink are symbolic, much like leaving milk and cookies out for Santa. If the living souls don't eat it, it's going to sit there. Jack O'Lanterns, which originated in Ireland, came about as a way to scare off the "bad" spirits who might try to cross over with the good ones. I used to love sitting out on the front patio with Paul, handing out candy to the young children all dressed up and so proud of their costumes. I miss that. Last Halloween was my first without Paul in 34 years and I shut all the lights out early and didn't even venture outside. We had started October out by putting all the decorations up together as usual and the month ended with me having to take them all down alone. I'm not putting any decorations up this year nor am I handing out candy. I will light candles for my Nana, my parents and Paul. Maybe I'll crack open one of the Coors Lights he still has in the patio fridge and leave it out for him. I know he'd appreciate it.

I'm beginning to wonder if I may be the one who died and I'm living in Hell right now. In the past week, I have been waiting for help that still has not come with no phone call to explain either, I've texted several people and not one has answered me back. I'm thinking maybe they can't hear or see me. Maybe it's like the Sixth Sense movie and I only think I'm still here. Maybe this house is Hell and being without Paul is the sentence I'm serving. Maybe my brother in law is actually Satan. (That would at least explain a lot.) Am I really writing this? Can any of you see this? I may sound nuts, but maybe that's just the point I'm getting to. But, the way I'm being treated by the people who supposedly LOVE me? It might not be all that far-fetched a theory after all.

Ditto!

Gin, my Paul had an ex-wife, who is nine years older than me. I've thought about what you are saying, but I came to the conclusion that he was not happily married to her when he was living and we were together much, much longer than they were. Paul and I were truly soul mates and I feel he watches over me, not her, and that we are destined to be reunited when my time comes. I mentioned how I had not been receiving any messages or signs lately and that it made me feel even worse. A few minutes after I wrote that, I decided to listen to the radio and "our song" came on right away. I smiled and cried at the same time because I felt that he wanted me to know he was still there. Sometimes, just wait for it, Gin. Al will let you know. I also agree with Gin, Steve, that you should just let your comment stand. It could help many people more than disturb them.

Muggs, Don't feel bad. I still have pretty much everything of Paul's exactly where he left it the day he collapsed with multiple strokes, was taken away by rescue and never came home again (except in an urn). I still have the same sheets on the bed, untouched. I've been sleeping in a recliner in the living room. The only things I did finally toss out were food-related items. Although, now that I think about it, I still have the jug of iced tea I made for him early last October still stuck somewhere in the back of the fridge. I suppose I really should toss that (and maybe hold my breath when I open it---I don't know, I don't think I've ever smelled year-old iced tea before). I also understand that people have their own lives to live. If I hadn't gone through this myself and someone else was in this situation, I probably would be living my life with Paul. For someone who hasn't experienced this, it's that 500 pound pink elephant sitting in the center of the room that everyone is trying to avoid. People say to you that they're surprised you're still in so much pain, they thought you were doing so much "better". I tell them that I hate to break it to them, but there is no such thing as "getting better" when it comes to this. They get that look in their eyes where you can see them projecting themselves into that possible scenario and there have been moments when I've actually seen a brief expression of fear cross their faces. They don't want to be reminded of what will eventually come. The only way to avoid it is if you go at the same time, like in a plane or car crash. We're like "tainted goods". It's just very disheartening to have to face a reality that friends you've known so long can be so thoughtless. They may try to say all the right things, but as the old adage goes, actions speak louder than words. I'm sorry we have to bear all this pain and loneliness, too. It's exhausting.

I know how you feel, since I often feel the same. Just this morning, I was out in my backyard picking up some branches and I came across Paul's work gloves lying on top of the gas grill that I no longer use. He was the grill-King. I picked them up and just held them to my heart. The neighbor next door is playing his usual music, there's sun and a breeze, everything goes on as usual around me. But, I'm standing there, alone, clutching the gloves Paul would probably be wearing today while he did work around the yard. Before, on a day like today, I would have felt upbeat and happy, going out to check on him working and bringing him water or a cold beer. I'm trying to find a point to my being here now and nothing ever presents itself. No one helps me---they're all going about their NORMAL lives. The only person that came through for me, did so only to try and control my life. If I wanted to be pushed around and verbally abused, I could have all the help I wanted. Yeah, I'm one month away from the year mark of Paul's death and I don't really see any lessening of the pain or the loneliness. I feel more comfort in playing old music and remembering the days we were together. It seems healthier than stewing in anger over so-called "friends" who keep telling me to call when I need help and then either don't answer or return my calls or say they'll come over and just don't bother to show up. I think, "Is this the sum of my life? Is this how I'm doomed to spend whatever's left of it?" I do talk to Paul, but I felt his presence more back in the earlier days of my grief. I struggle to sense him or pick up his guidance now, which makes me feel even more alone. I'm not sure if it's me or HIM. This morning, I woke up and checked Paul's email. There was one from the retired firefighters association, with a picture enclosed. I didn't even know this was going to happen, but Paul's name, along with the other firefighters who recently passed away, was engraved into the fallen firefighters memorial outside one of the stations in the city. I printed out the picture to keep, but one of these days, I may take a ride to that station to see it in person for myself and take my own picture. I looked at the names, all of whom I recognized and knew, and thought back to the days when I would take our goddaughter to this very same station for the "Open House" the department has every year for children to see the equipment and watch firemen and policemen in action, that kind of thing. The men on this memorial made the open houses extra special for her and now, all we have are the memories. I'm thankful for the memories, but it still hurts. It doesn't feel like it was all that long ago, even if it was. Let's do the Time Warp again. (Dibs on the role of Columbia! I've always wanted a top hat!)

Hahahaha!!!!! George, that is epic! You've come up with the winning comeback! Who knows? If I say that to someone that really knows how to cook, they might even say "Sure! What would you like?" Baked ziti!

Yes, Cheryl, it's a great song and it truly applies to our situations. However, not only did the devil figure out I was there, I've invited him over to tea a few afternoons. lol I think it goes without saying that we all have those moments we look back on and wish with everything we have that we could just get a "do-over". I don't think I'll ever completely forgive myself for not forcing Paul to go to the ER that very first morning. No, I do not know that it would have guaranteed a different outcome, but I do know that with stroke, the earlier the diagnosis and treatment, the better the odds for survival. I'm at a very strange place inside myself at this point, There is a struggle going on between knowing I'm only 57 and trying to get back to some sort of involvement with life and feeling older than my years and surrounded by people dying or being ill. Never before have I been the kind of person who rolls over and just gives up and that part of me is still very much there. But, I also had Paul. Marg, I have also had that torn feeling with my home. I look around and everything that's been done to this house is Paul's handiwork---it's like he is literally built in to the place. However, I've had many moments of wanting to find a new place, a new location, new faces around me, but until I know my financial situation, I stay put to be "safe". I have friends who tell me I shouldn't move because they are closer to me right now if I need "help". I asked for help from one of these friends about five days ago, He called twice this past week to let me know he didn't forget about me---the last time he called was yesterday morning. He told me he'd be out in the late afternoon. I haven't heard from him or seen him since. So, I sit here and think, "What difference would it make if I was living in a place where I didn't know anyone or living here where the people I do know are completely unreliable?" I'm more of a soccer fan than American football, although I do like the Dolphins, especially thew 1972 Dolphins. lol Bob Griese was my favorite player. I used to have season tickets to the old Fort Lauderdale Strikers games and even went to several away games. The Connecticut Bicentennials used to play at Yale Stadium in New Haven, so I can honestly tell people I "went to Yale". Hang in there, Marg! And next time you're up at midnight, The Witching Hour, by all means give me a call! I'll light the bonfire in the backyard and we can dance and howl at the moon!

Maryann, That's the thing about allowing some of your personality to shine through once again. People are suddenly commenting on how they are so happy to see you "all better" and it's difficult to deal with, simply because it isn't true. It's one of the reasons I stopped going on Facebook, along with the nasty political climate on that site. No healthy person wants to be in on THAT. I applaud you though for wearing your team's shirt with pride. Mark would be proud of you, too! I'll have to watch Babe, but I hope it won't make me cry. There have been so many things going on lately and I've been doing enough of that on my own. I usually stick to comedies or musicals like Singing' In The Rain.

Can you believe it? I have never seen Babe! lol I do know about that phrase "Bah, ram, EWE" or whatever it is. I've never seen "Still Mine" either. I tend to watch old movies---I've been infatuated with them since I was a kid. All the old Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers and Gene Kelly musicals, Humphrey Bogart, Gable, Lombard, Myrna Loy and William Powell, etc. I stopped counting how many times I've seen some of these old films, I ran out of fingers and toes! The newest movies I've seen are from the 1980s. I loved the John Hughes films, especially 16 Candles. Paul and I used to quote from that movie ALL the time. I'm searching my brain for a more recent movie that I've seen and one I can think of is Bridesmaids, which was really funny and Hello, My Name Is Doris, which I watched on Pay Per View. I need to look in my movie guide and see if anyone is playing BABE! Is that sad? I'm not sure I can take sad right now. I agree with both of you that James Cromwell and Genevieve Bujold are magnificent actors. I also loved the late Sir John Gielgud.

I don't think you are selfish at all and I love what your children wrote on your Facebook page! It demonstrates their great love and admiration for a mama that deserves every bit of it. After everything you have been through, Marg, SW, I would never question anything you feel the need to do in order to bring a little joy and healing into your life. You made me laugh when you mentioned your "clodhoppers"! When I was a toddler, I had to wear some kind of orthopedic shoes----not sure why now----and I hated those things! They were bulbous toward the front and I used to call them "whales"!!! I had forgotten all about that until you brought that up. I think all of our parents did the best they could with what they had and the knowledge they possessed.

Patty, your daughter's film made me start crying. What a powerful little film. She's very talented. I had one of those slap in the face moments just a short while ago. I went out to nonchalantly throw laundry in and I don't know why I hadn't noticed, but Paul hung a small calendar on a shelf in the laundry room and he would mark the dates when he'd fertilize the lawn or wash and wax the car or truck. I turned around and my eyes just stared right at it, the entire year of 2015. I looked it over and realized the last time his truck had ever been washed or waxed was 9/22/15. The last time it was ever driven was the first week in October of 2015. Then, maybe even worse, I was astonished to realize that his truck has not even been driven in almost an entire year. It has not left our carport. How is it that that much time has gotten past me? How could I be so neglectful? I know I've been starting it up, but still. I was afraid to drive it at all, thinking that once I got it out of the carport, how would I get it back in. All I want, as well, is for Paul to be here with me, his arms around me, helping to ease my pain. I miss the warmth and strength of him. It's constant aloneness, as you said. Why is it that others feel it necessary to take an inventory of our looks and announce their findings to us? I think from now on, if someone mentions my weight, I'll just tell them honestly, "You know, I'm not really sure how to respond to that." I've been trying to remain polite and keep from saying, "Maybe I look like hell, because I've been going through hell! You think that might be it? And right now, you're contributing to it!" It irks me, because I'll be having what feels like a rather normal day, maybe I'll even be a little more upbeat for a change and then, they say something like that and it makes me worry. It makes me feel worse. It sets off my worrying mode, probably due, in part, to the scare I had back in 2013, when I went into the Crohn's flare (I did not know at that time what it was) and was in so much pain and losing weight without explanation. I feel vulnerable and self-conscious, like I'm sitting under their microscopes. Marg, SW, when my mom passed away, I was very preoccupied with other things at first, mainly trying to help my father. I know I was in shock and the reality did not hit me at first. About four months after she died, I was watching a movie, A League of Their Own, about the female baseball league when the men were fighting in WW2, and that was the era that my mom was a teenaged girl. By the end of the movie, I was bawling and just curled up in a fetal position crying non-stop. Paul was at the fire station that day, so didn't see that. Then, about two months after that, Paul and I were picking up some take-out food (I was driving) and we almost had an accident. I pulled over and burst into tears and Paul did not know what to do. I'll never forget the helpless look on his face because I could not stop crying. He took over deriving and we did pick up the food, but I was STILL crying hysterically when we reached home again. I couldn't eat, I just kept crying. Paul, poor, sweet man, was doing and saying everything he could think of to get me to stop and honestly, the fear in his eyes---he couldn't hide it. I finally stopped and it felt as if I'd run a marathon. I was so limp and spent and purged. I have cried like that for Paul, but the difference this time is that I had so much fear mixed in, it was more a feeling of "high alert". Everyone is different and that's only my experience of when I lost my mother, but don't feel guilty. It could just be that with all the shocks you've endured, you may find you have a delayed reaction. You have no reason though to feel guilt. I could see how much you loved your mother by your posts about her and the picture you posted of her when she was younger. No one could question whether you loved her if they read what you've written about her. XO

SW, I know what you mean about those doctors and the initial treatment you receive over the phone, before you've even stepped into the office. I've been that same way----I'll think to myself that if they don't care, it must not be a big deal and I hang up. It's mentally and physically exhausting sometimes just trying to find a good one. If your mind is directing you toward seeking out a pastor, then maybe it's trying to tell you where you will find real help. You should find a compassionate clergyman to sit with you, listen and pray. I've had a problem lately when people stop by to visit me. As I've stated before on here, I was diagnosed with Crohn's a few years ago and although I had gained all of my weight back when Paul was still alive (and used to cook for me all the time), since his death, I've plateaued at around 100 lbs. I've always been small and slender anyway, but twice now, people tell me I lost weight and my legs are thin. I'm honestly at a loss as to how I'm supposed to respond to a comment like that! Any suggestions ? I don't think I'm THAT bad looking!

SW, you may feel at times like you don't care if you live or die, but I care and so does everyone else on here. While you search for the right counselor, let us keep you afloat. (I have no idea where all my nautical terms are coming from today---Paul was in the Navy, maybe he's influencing me.) I know I want to "catch the ball and live", but I want to do it in a way that will also honor my late husband. Not quite sure where that will take me, but I've started writing in my journal again (it seems to help) and I'm trying to move forward on a few things that are desperately in need of taking care of. I believe my next project will be getting that storage unit emptied out. I've devised a plan and only need to run it by a friend who has offered to help me. That storage unit will be one less albatross tied around my neck, once it's done. Maybe that's when I will finally make an appointment with the counselor since it will be freeing up about $250.00 a month. (Yeah, can you believe it? Just to babysit furniture. Talk about crazy!) I have less money coming in now than when Paul was alive, but I also am aware of how lucky I am. Some don't even have that, plus they have mortgages or car payments and I have none of that. What you said about the RV---Paul and I were actively looking for another house at the time he passed away. We had come close to putting an offer on a home we both really liked. We discovered it already had a contract on it. In hindsight, of course, I realized how lucky we actually were that the house was taken. I can't imagine what I'd be going through right now had I been saddled with a brand new home and mortgage and half the income. It was a slightly larger home, too, which, now that I'm alone, I no longer need. Thank you, Marty, for the excellent resources. I do know that one of the key factors for me is that I want a female counselor, around my age or a bit older. I just feel more comfortable with someone my own gender who has also experienced menopause. I'd be able to open up and relate to her more.

Marg, SW, you aren't deserting anyone. There are times I get "quiet" on here, because I feel that strange, inexplicable vibe coming over me, too, and the only way I know how to handle it is to withdraw for a while and THINK. It feels like I'm wearing a shroud made of a mixture of fear and anxiety, with depression trim. I go inside myself, to sort all the stuff out. I've thought about finding a counselor---I actually have picked one out---but then I begin to think about my finances and the weekly co-payment, which adds up monthly and so forth, and I don't want to get started with something I'm not sure I'll be able to continue. I think how I can use that money for the property taxes that will be coming due again in several months. There's a possibility that my realization that in a little over one month from now, Paul will have been gone an entire year, is playing a huge part in these strange, depressed feelings. I'm trying to come to grips with that bec cause there are still moments where it seems like it happened only a month ago. Everything is still so vivid in my mind I don't understand how I've been able to exist this long without him. We were never apart for this length of time in 34 years and now, I really have no choice but to accept that it's true. He isn't coming back from a long trip. He's gone and every year of my life from here on out will have to continue without him by my side. Yet, I still feel the need to have a life. I don't mean romance, but a life where I feel useful and have a sense of purpose. I often think about how things might be if the situation had been reversed. Would I want Paul to be lonely and alone the rest of his life? Of course, the answer is that I'd hope he'd realize I was irreplaceable---lol---but I would want him to find someone, at least good friends, with whom he could enjoy the remainder of his life. Who knows? Maybe he would have gotten along a lot better than I'm doing. I know he'd still have the full amount of finances coming in; they only cut everything in half and take away the social security for his surviving spouse. He probably would have gotten rid of the cats, or at least a few of them. There is no way Paul would ever do litter boxes, so I can't see how he would have been able to handle that without me around. And he certainly would not have been able to tolerate Lorelai and her inability (or unwillingness) to go poo in a litter box. Always on the floor NEAR the box. never IN. That's always been my job, as well. I suppose speculation is useless, since things are the way they are. I'm praying for all of us on here, but especially you, SW. You've been dealt repeated blows and changes up the wazoo and if you are having difficulty navigating the waters right now, it's only because you're in a brand new boat you haven't gotten used to operating yet. WW has your back. XO

Joyce, my heart goes out to you. Before we really knew exactly where the system was going (it was still down near Cuba and hadn't even become a tropical storm or hurricane at that point), I was so fearful, wondering who would help put up my shutters if it hit. Then, a friend of mine in Georgia texted me to ask if I had plenty of extra water, batteries, etc. and it dawned on me that I had never had to worry about that before---Paul always made sure there were boxes of bottled water and extra batteries and food. I just took it for granted I'd always have some in case of a storm and now it was all on ME---alone---to think of these things and I'd completely forgotten. I'm so glad that Dale watched over you and the house and helped to keep you safe. I'm trying to stay away from people I know who like to keep reminding me that "there's another one out there!!!". I'm sure if and when it becomes a concern, I will know about it, because the weather people will start spinning in circles on the news. Joyce, were you able to catch any of the coverage on Weather Channel before it made landfall? I was laughing at some of these reporters jumping around on the beach to show what can happen and one guy even took out a dry erase board, clutching a handful of markers, and was drawing some sort of pictures to explain something---I'm not really sure what. I don't think it turned out quite as he had intended---it was this big jumble of a mess! I just sat there laughing, saying to myself, "What is that even supposed to BE? This guy is nuts!" Ah, the Sunshine State, where life is just a big bag o' crazy!

So happy to hear you chime in, Joyce! Thank goodness you are okay. I know all too well those bands of unrelenting rain and high winds. I spent Hurricane Andrew, back in 1992, watching through our sliding glass doors as the power lines arced and twisted in the high, gusting winds, shooting off turquoise colored sparks whenever they'd touch each other and the trees. I knew it was dangerous, but at the same time, it was quite beautiful and mesmerizing in its own way. Mother Nature is one tough lady.

Hi everyone! Yes, Marty is right, I live in South Florida, in between Miami and Fort Lauderdale. It was actually sunny here yesterday, but with some gusty winds. It looks like it could rain today but we are no longer threatened at all by Hermine (thank goodness!!!). Joyce lives in Central Florida, so I do pray that she is okay. And i was not aware that George also lived in Florida---my prayers and thoughts go out to him, as well. If we don't hear from them, they might be okay, just without power (you can't charge your devices if there's no power). Marty, Paul and I had been considering Sarasota as a possible location to move to. I've been reading Sarasota magazine for years and I love how the city seems to embrace the arts. Not sure I could relocate there now, though. I'd have to find a safe area that I could also afford. Maybe when all this stuff with the city is finished and the retirees hopefully WIN, I can consider Sarasota once again. It's such a lovely area! Kay, this is so strange, but I also now sleep in a recliner in my living room. I don't like being in the bed/bedroom all alone either. But, I also discovered that my sinuses and my neck, as well, are not quite as bad or painful when I sleep in the recliner. They aren't 100%, but they're a lot better than when I lie down in a bed. My nose still can get stopped up though. It usually happens when I brush my teeth before bed, so if anyone can make sense of that, please fill me in! lol Thank you for the kind and thoughtful well wishes. I am not in the hurricane's striking zone, but I do wish any who are to remain safe, with their homes secure.

Kay, I am sorry to hear that your sickness has "shape shifted" on you, but I am praying and hoping that you are experiencing the darkest before the dawn. From here on out, you'll be mending and getting better. In 2007, I was diagnosed with allergic rhinitis. At night, right at bedtime, my nose will stop up on me, I'm sure I snore because of having to sleep with mouth open, and then, in the morning, everything begins draining and I'm sneezing, blowing my nose, etc. Sorry if that's TMI! lol Someone told me about Breathe Right strips, wearing them to bed. I have not yet tried them, but I'm thinking they won't hurt, so why not? Maybe they would help you in the mornings? I know that I'm allergic to aspirin and amoxicillin, but they don't know what's causing my allergic rhinitis. The doctor said I'd have to be tested by an allergist. I didn't do it, since I'm worried they'll tell me I'm allergic to cats. My cats aren't going anywhere! Marg, way to go for being true to yourself and what you need at this point in your life! You have gone through so much already and you don't need the pressure from anyone else telling you what to do. So what if you catch hell? Get a couple of little horns to tie onto your head and let them know you're more than ready for it! This is what really aggravates me (okay, angers me---more than just aggravation) about controlling, manipulative people. You lose your spouse and suddenly, you're being spoken to about things like selling your home and moving into a condo or getting rid of half the things in your yard, things which bring you comfort and lift your spirits. That's what my BIL was trying to do to me. Apparently, he would be eyeing my yard or my house and deciding in his head what should be done with everything. What I wanted didn't matter. I went from living at home with my parents to living with and eventually marrying Paul. There has never been a time in my life when I had to take care of myself on my own or make my own decisions about things. Paul taking care of me so well gave me wings and now, I just want to try them out without someone always attempting to clip them. The only other person whose opinion matters to me is Paul's and I want to show him I'm trying my best. Do that for Billy, too, and don't let people wear you down. After all, you ARE SW!!

I'm definitely wanting all who are sick or injured (I'm selfishly including myself here, too! lol) to heal quickly and completely. My knee is feeling a tad better right now. I've been icing it and resting it when I can----still have to take the garbage can down to the street though for tomorrow's trash pick up. It's been gray and miserable all day long with constant rain and the famous Florida sun no where to be seen. There was something that made me laugh today though. I was reading a weekly online horoscope this morning and it said something along the lines of: "Some days you just feel the ground beneath you in a new way." I immediately thought of my slip and fall yesterday and said to myself, "Wow, lady. You're GOOD." lol Marg, you aren't cold hearted at all. I think we just all mourn different people in our lives in different ways. It's ironic how the man who totally rocked my world in a good way, has rocked my world in the worst way imaginable with his death. I suppose that's the meaning of the passion and intensity of your relationship being mirrored in the intensity of your grief. I'm liking that RV Sue and I've never read her blog! She is a braver woman than I, even if I have occasionally thought about picking up and just moving away, probably more like running away from home. Ha! Although I swore I'd never own another one after a fiasco in the past, there is a super cute little condo for sale in Salem, Massachusetts. Unfortunately, they also have some not-so-super-cute winters there! I am Florida born and raised, so not sure that would be the best idea in the long run. Kay, I am so glad to hear that you are back on the road to healthy again. I'm keeping an eye on the knee---it isn't super painful and I can turn my leg inward and outward with only soreness, not where I yell out "ow" or anything like that. I didn't hear a "pop" when I hit the ground either. I didn't twist the knee at all. I just slipped, fell and landed on my knees (while at the same time, all the way down, I was panicking and trying to pick, before I actually hit the ground, which of my body parts would be strongest to land on! HAHAHA!!!) Karen, if you liked "palm tree Nazis", you should have been in South Florida back in the days of Governor Jeb Bush---or maybe not, since he is not one of my favorite people at all. His agriculture advisors claimed they had found the disease "citrus canker" in some groves in Miami and so decided to cut a wide swath through all of South Florida and cut down every citrus tree at peoples' residences. Paul and I had a gorgeous grapefruit tree, a lemon tree and a Key Lime tree that had only just begun to bear fruit. All our trees were healthy. They came and mowed them all down and I cried like a baby. I loved those trees and grapefruits are my favorite fruit. Everyone down here was calling them the Canker Nazis. Of course, canker spreads through the wind and there were mostly healthy trees in our county. Once the Canker Nazis were done, they had actually spread the disease as they went along cutting. Now, whenever I have tried in recent years to replant a citrus tree, it develops canker. I do wish however, that like Scottsdale, my town had actually paid me to remove the pool I just had taken out. It does seem incredibly stupid, not to mention hypocritical, to fine you for brown grass, while they're paying others to remove their pools. Nothing like true leadership, eh? :/

Dreamwinds and Ana, these are the times when everything can seem so surreal. Picking up the ashes and trying to wrap your mind around the fact that your spouse is in there and then, as time goes on, the incredibly thoughtless remarks by others. As Ana said, sometimes these comments even come from people who have also lost a spouse, which is the most shocking part of all to me. Then, there are the "well-meaning" people, as Gwen pointed out, who are going to be the ones to FIX you! Oh yeah! Except this is a situation that can only be fixed if our husbands or wives suddenly returned to us, alive and well again. I've been speaking to one retired firefighter---the one who had called and encouraged me to attend the picnic last March---he has been keeping me in the loop about what's going on with the financial stuff involving the pension. He's very nice and has given me a lot of information that I need to be able to decide what I will do if they pass this "rule", but he will also tel me things he likes and then asks what I like. Then, he will mention that he has found this great little club with classic rock music, etc. and I can feel the muscles in my beck and body tightening up. Maybe he's just making conversation and that's what i keep telling myself, but I don't want anyone thinking they will "help" me "move forward" or anything of that sort by suggesting I accompany them. Of course, I steer it away back to "Oh great, have a good time!" and move it along. Moving forward will be something I will do whenever it's right for me. That's another way in which losing someone through divorce is different from losing them through death. With a death, neither party wanted out of the marriage. Both were still in love and happy being together, so it doesn't feel as if your marriage has ended. This is what people don't understand----that it feels as if I would be cheating on my husband if I were to accept any sort of invitation out, at least at this point in time, ten months along. Yes, life sucks sometimes when you're all alone, but I'm trying to power through any desperation and not grab on to "any port in a storm". That isn't fair to me and it isn't fair to a "well-meaning", unsuspecting person to be treated like that either. Marg, that RV Sue sounds like a very gutsy lady, but as you said: she's alone by choice and we aren't. I'm not sure I'd be able to do what she's doing, as tempting as it might be sometimes. I'd worry more about the two-legged "wildlife" trying to attack me more than the four-legged varieties. I do know that I'd be packing more than just an air horn! lol I wish her safe travels! Well, my left knee is stiff and swollen this morning. (This is one of those "sucks to be alone" times!) It's very tender and I'm limping, but it isn't excruciating pain. I guess i'll give it another day or so before I decide whether it's worth the trouble and the money to go to an urgent care center or an ER. It did wake me up last night. I was up in the wee hours of the morning, from about 2:30am to 4:00am, reading all of your posts on here. I didn't respond until now because I was trying to get myself sleepy again. I was afraid that interaction would wake me up more. lol Just another reminder of the unpredictability of life. I woke up yesterday just fine, both knees in good condition. One brief moment of slipping on a wet patch outside and now, I'm hobbling and limping around, with fluid build up at the top of my knee. This is where I keep wanting another do-over, just like wth Paul.

Thank you, Joyce and Gin. It's so weird but in that moment where you know you won't be able to "right" yourself and a fall is inevitable, you feel that emotional cocktail of both fear and foolishness. To think, when I was younger and dancing, I used to laugh at that commercial with the woman "I've fallen-----and I can't get up!". Honey, I am not laughing NOW. The woman in that ad has come back to haunt me! I can only imagine the woman from the old "Clapper" commercial will be next. I'd laugh at that one, too. Gin, I don't think they'd even find me from a bad odor. My cat Frankie would probably have me for dinner first. lol Seriously though, I have a remote panic button for my house alarm to use when I'm outside, if someone should approach me. Maybe I should begin carrying that around with me everywhere or at least the panic button to my car alarm. My neighbors might come to check things out if they hear my car alarm steadily going off.