TerriL

Thank you, Marty and everyone! I know that Nature isn]t always kind and most likely, some that I'm "saving" will not make it, due to birds or snakes or whatever, but they're better off than being caught in a pool they may have difficulty escaping. Marty, that is such a funny incident with he frog! Where on earth did he come from and how did he manage to get underneath the swim trunks? We're all being sent messages via amphibians! There has to be something to that! So far, I don't have any frogs in my shorts (I consider that a good thing). HAHA! And it just dawned on me that Froggie4635 has the perfect name for my latest situation! I know what you mean about having to work through such negative thoughts about yourself, programmed into you at a young age. I know my parents loved me and there were many wonderful times growing up, too. It's exactly as you pointed out. They did the best they could with what they had at their disposal. My mom lost her father in a drowning incident at the age of three and my grandmother's family had "issues", but it's what my mom had to grow up around and it definitely affected her. My dad was eleven years older than my mom and came from a family of 16 children, with an abusive alcoholic father at the helm. Because of what he saw and experienced growing up, he swore he would never hit his own kids and he didn't. My dad could be a very funny and charming man. But, my father also drank and often made mean remarks to me that were probably said to him as a kid. To be honest, he would still make cruel, hurtful remarks into my adulthood, but I started fighting back against it at that point in time. He had disagreed with my wedding plans (he was not paying for them, Paul and I were) and he told me that if I had the wedding I wanted, no one was going to bother to come. I was so deeply hurt by that comment that the day we went to get our marriage license and the clerk asked if we also wanted the ceremony, I turned to Paul and said "Let's just do it NOW. The two of us.". And we did. We had the wedding we wanted and didn't bother to invite anyone. lol It was still as magical as any other we could have dreamed up because we were so in love. I'll NEVER forget the look of pure happiness and love in Paul's eyes when he we were reciting our vows. The clerk's office still had shamrocks and leprechauns on the walls from St. Patrick's Day a few days prior, so I always say we had an Irish wedding! HAHA!! Oh, and did my father pitch a fit when he discovered that we had gotten married and he wasn't there! I never felt guilty. Not once. His manipulation tactics no longer worked. "Keep your words nice and sweet, you never know which ones you'll have to eat."

Kay, I'm not sure I became wise as much as I grew exhausted. It dawned on me that I was beating myself up all the time (in my own head) with words from the past that belonged to people who had died years ago. The people still left alive have attempted to repeat old patterns since Paul died, but that's when i immediately cut them off and decided to go it alone. They have since come around and have actually apologized and are treating me with the respect I deserve. I just won't accept anything less anymore. To be fair, I still ask Paul's opinion! I do want a sign or message once in a while that he agrees with the choices I'm making and he's okay with them. Speaking of other peoples' opinions of me, right now, I've become The Frog Whisperer and my family thinks I'm nuts. After draining the pool water to about only a foot deep, we discovered it was filled with tadpoles and I became concerned with their well-being. They have grown now into tiny frogs with tails and I have been attempting to save as many as I can by scooping them out with a net. I made my BIL put a plank of wood in there so they'd have something to climb up on to get out of the water. The frogs are actually using it, believe it or not! (They aren't climbing out of the pool, they're just sitting on it.) In the past couple of days, I've gotten quite a few out. I've been on the receiving end of much laughter and eye rolls, but I feel good about helping the frogs, so that's all that matters!

Oh, definitely words DO hurt. The verbal abuse I endured throughout my life left deep scars inside of me that came out as extremely low self-esteem and making poor choices at certain times in my life. I'm sure it also played a huge part in my anxiety disorder. It isn't easy to ignore the opinions and words of others, especially if they're from people we care about. Many of the hurtful remarks came from my own parents, so when I was a kid, I figured what they were saying must be true. Except it WASN'T. It was their own mental baggage coming out of them and I was the unwitting victim. I always say that I'm a "work in progress", since I make strides and then experience setbacks. I only began seeing any progress at all when I was able to sort of step back from the things that were said to me and question why someone would even want to say something so hurtful or cruel. There has to be something broken in a person capable of doing that. When I've called them out on it and replied that they don't know what's in my heart, but I do, and I know that I'm nothing like what they have just said, most times they're taken by surprise. They get this little "shocked" expression because they aren't expecting that kind of response. They're expecting the same old patterns and knee-jerk reactions of yore. It simply came down to me no longer being willing to tolerate abuse of any kind. Paul's death only seems to have reinforced this in me. Peoples' opinions truly DON'T matter to me anymore, in the grand scheme of things. The only one whose opinion mattered to me is gone. If I'm making decisions and living my life according to the values I cherish most highly, then I'm doing the right thing (no matter WHAT anyone else thinks) and have nothing to be embarrassed about. Thank you for posting that meme, Marty! When I researched to get the credit for the quote, Dr. Wayne Dyer's name came up and someone also attributed something similar to Anthony Hopkins! HAHA! Who knew Hannibal Lecter was so sensitive?

Our goddaughter mentions to me once in a while how much she misses Paul. She lives out of state and has for a few years now, so Paul and I were no longer in her everyday life. But, a few times we've been talking on the phone and she'll bring up how strange it still is to her that Paul is no longer here. She said that it will hit her from time to time that when she returns here to visit, he will no longer be at home with me. I said that she should imagine how it is for me, every day when I wake up. I wish she was closer, but at the same time, everything Paul and I did for her was to give her the wings to go out and live her own life, on her own terms. I wouldn't want to cling to her or make her feel guilty. I go through that quite often now----needing help sometimes, but also not wanting to become a "burden" on others. Marita, it isn't silly or petty to feel so alone or forgotten on your birthday, if no one is remembering. Of course, you said your birthday isn't until next week, so maybe people will surprise you. I hope so! Allow me to wish you an early happy birthday! My husband passed away 15 days before my 57th birthday. Some people sent cards and others felt that it might be disrespectful to send me happy birthday wishes so soon after his passing. The way I was feeling at that time, I didn't care one way or the other. My dad died the day before my 44th birthday. Like Marg and I were talking about in another thread---it's getting to the point where we may have to yank the October page out of all our future calendars. It's sad, because during my early years, October had always been one of my favorite months (my birthday and Halloween in the same month). What struck me most about your comments was the one question: "Is this horrible of me?" I find myself asking that so often when I have certain feelings about people or situations and can't explain fully WHY I feel as I do, I just DO. I'm coming to terms with that to some degree, because I have to assume that my body is acting in a protective way to shield me in my grief. Therefore, I'm feeling the way I do for a reason. That reason may not always be immediately apparent to me, but it's there, nonetheless. Your mother in law is grieving in a way where it appears she's still in some stage of denial. Not knowing her personally, I have no way of knowing if she's always handled tragic situations in this manner or if this is a new thing for her. Her mind could be more adversely affected by Gord's passing than you realize. You could call her just to ask how she's doing and try to sidestep any conversation that could lead to her saying things that will hurt you. But, as I said, you know her and I don't. If it's going to cause you additional pain, it isn't horrible of you to spare yourself. My husband's father's second wife has called occasionally since my husband passed and she called recently, but I didn't feel like talking, so I didn't pick it up. I have not returned the call yet, even though it was weeks ago now. I get tired of always having to repeat the same thing endlessly to people. It isn't that I don't appreciate their concern for me, but there isn't all that much that's new. Paul is still gone. I'm still alone. I don't want to continue to relive the moments of his passing nor the moments of his father's passing, which she seems to still have the need to bring up all the time. The questions I ask now are "Who or what will contribute to my healing?" and "Who or what is contributing to my continued pain or anger?" If I'm honest, I know the answers to these questions and I must increase the first and expunge the latter. I give the latter ones a chance by talking honestly with them first, but if things continue in the same manner, I distance myself. My mental and physical well-being depend on this. Some might feel that this "self-preservation" instinct is selfish, but at the end of the day, I'm all I've got. "Their opinion of me is none of my business." Darn, I'd give credit for that quote, but it's been attributed to so many different people, it's hard to say who came up with it first.

Wow, I just looked at all the mis-typed words in the post about Paul's web sites! I swear, I'm not medicated! I probably should be, but I'm not.

Kay, that is such a nice thing for them to say to you. I wish people would say something like that to me about Paul. It makes me feel so happy when I know that other people realized what a wonderful, special man he truly was and appreciated him. That sort of thing made me feel good when he was still alive, too. I'd always sing his praises to people and it would often catch them by surprise. They'd turn to Paul and tell him "You must be doing something right to have your wife talking about you like THAT!" Yep. He did.

Mitch, you are on a roll this week! First the concerts, now the perfect meme for those "difficult times"! HAHA! Yes, I was going to say something to her along the lines of, "If only I'd realized! I could have spared myself so much agony!" or a more educational line, "It really isn't as simple as that." She is an otherwise sweet, friendly girl---well, woman---she's only a year or so younger than I am---so I nodded and let it be. It's pointless to try and explain it all to someone who hasn't gone through it and also, I don't want my eggs to always end up cracked from here on out. Hey! You have to think of self-preservation sometimes! lol Joyce, I have no doubt they'd have gotten along swimmingly! Paul didn't venture all the way into the 21st Century and when he did, it was no always a pretty sight. He did finally admit to me that YES, he had far less trouble finding exactly what he wanted for better prices by shopping online. He started a little notebook with all his auto part and appliance web sites, all his passwords (he shouldn't remember them, lol) and now, I'm the one who uses that notebook when things have broken and I need a reliable place to look. I look at his handwriting and feel the pain return. I guess I need to "snap out of it".

Kay and Joyce, It hasn't even been that long since Paul died, but I notice more and more that I have to be the one to say his name aloud in a conversation or he won't be mentioned at all. I continue to tell my great nephew how proud his Uncle Paul is of him, even up in Heaven (that's the concept of death that my nephew understands). I don't want him to forget Paul or the kind things that Paul would do for him. Talking about him seems perfectly natural to me, since my husband is still every bit as much a part of my life as he was when he was here. Your talking about the whole social networking thing reminded me of how I had to work hard to convince Paul that shopping online was OKAY. He was much like your Dale, Joyce! He was an in person kind of guy and even preferred brick and mortar stores. Until there were a few times that he could not find what he was looking for. I quietly said t him, "NOW will you try shopping online? You can find almost anything you're looking for and sometimes, it's cheaper and you get free shipping." So, with my help, he started getting into that, a little at a time. Honestly, he'd fight all technology! I'd just roll my eyes. I'm the reason we finally got a computer, I'm the reason we finally got a satellite dish, I'm the reason we finally got cell phones---I had to drag him, kicking and screaming, into the 21st Century! I loved him for who he was though (I did make jokes about him pulling out his pocket abacus--I admit it! lol). I was only trying to make things easier on him. A few months ago, for the very first time ever, I did something that Paul HATED. I mean, he would gripe and moan every time these commercials would come on----I deposited a check in our bank account with my smart phone. I apologized over and over to Paul as I hit "send". The check was about to expire and it was just easier for me to do it that way! It's something that younger people do all the time, without even thinking twice. But, I felt so guilty for a time after that transaction. It worked though and I was a bit proud of myself. A definite mix of pride and guilt! My grocery shopper person brought my grocery order this morning and she was asking how I was doing. She told me about how her mother's long time boyfriend had passed away and she fell into a deep depression. She said she told her mother she had to "snap out of it" and move on. I didn't say a word. I just nodded silently. Some people just don't understand that it isn't as easy as snapping out of it.

Gwen and Kay, I know what you mean! It's funny how you were mentioning the important mail. Just a short time ago, our mail came and this is the first time our car insurance policy arrived in my name alone. I had called them to get it done that way but still, when you see it for the first time, it's hard. They also sent me a couple of booklets on the grieving process and questions I might have about my loss and my insurance. Yes, my first question is: why do you punish people for driving only one car? I asked them on the phone what would happen to my insurance if I sell the truck and car that belonged to Paul and they told me I would lose my "multi-car" discount and my insurance for my little 15 year old PT Cruiser could go up by as much as 30% to 50%. And these are the AARP people! But, not to worry because I got a whole ten dollars off for now being the sole driver of the vehicles. Wow, I can finally get that dream house I've wanted. lol Kay, discovering that all the email had disappeared must have just floored you. I don't know what I would have done. There was no way to retrieve it at all? And Gwen, you pointed out such a major truth about Facebook--the "look at me, look at me" attitudes--and I find I'm really not missing it. I have logged on anonymously to see things my niece has posted, although she's been kind enough to separately text pictures to me on my phone due to my not being on there now. She'll post a picture of her little son or her new baby girl on FB and then shoot a text to me so I won't miss them. She's been really thoughtful about it, since I know she has to do things twice just to accommodate me. But, there have been others who will constantly write things on my wall and once in a while the remarks can be somewhat odd . Or curiously strange. Maybe that's a better way of putting it. From what you've told me though, I am relieved that Paul never wanted a Facebook page. He never wanted all his information out there. He said it's nobody's business! HAHA! OMG, I miss him so much! I don't know what i would do if I didn't have all of you to talk with. You might be the only thing keeping me from ending up sitting in the corner of the room, trying to play Beethoven's Fifth on my bottom lip with my finger!

Busted by SW! I'd say I've been clinging to it for dear life, lately. Over the weekend, I watched that season finale six times (I have a satellite dish, so I get both the East and West coast feeds of Starz). I'll probably watch it again some time before the week is over. Having to say goodbye to the love of your life and go on living without them. Having never read the books, I had no idea just how close to home that would hit. It brought me some comfort amid my tears.

Thank you, Marty, Maryann and SW. We all experience the same thing, but you know how it is. When it's happening in that moment, we're alone. I'm suddenly overcome by the emotions and that's when I have to come on here and reach out to my friends in the "Club No One Wants To Join". It allows me a safe place to share it, commiserate and hopefully, sort it out in my head. Marg (SW), I absolutely believe you and Billy were reading that book together. The fact that you've had so much trouble reading other books makes me think that Billy had been looking forward to reading that book and could only do it with your help. You've said that you've had no signs from him, but I believe that Billy has been there many times for you and you just didn't realize it. Lord knows, with the amount of things you've been dealing with in your life, it would be very easy to overlook certain signs or messages or to pass them off as simply "coincidences", when, in fact, they aren't. I won't sleep in our bed. I sleep in a recliner in the living room. That way, I don't wake up to an empty bed. The bonus is that I've discovered it helps with my neck and sinus issues to sleep in a reclined position. They aren't 100%, but the pain and stiffness in my neck isn't as severe as it used to be. Maryann, with Paul, I did't have to worry about any of those online types of things, other than his email, which I've kept open. I use his address for anything legal or pertaining to his former place of employment, our city's fire department. He didn't care for things like Facebook or Twitter and at the time he passed away, neither one of us had smart phones. lol I only purchased my first smart phone a few months ago. I still use my 17 year old flip phone though for my morning alarm! In our refrigerator, I still have what's left of the iced tea I made for him at the beginning of last October, so I'm sure I should consider getting rid of that. Like you say, as you try to toss things, it triggers so many emotions and the pain that goes along with. I got more squeamish about going through and throwing out his things when I managed to let go of a few items and had to stare at the empty spaces where they once sat. It was this constant visual reminder of his absence and my loss. But. I felt I had to rid the kitchen of the food items I knew would only grow mold or spoil to the point of possibly making a jar break open or explode. I have to use some common sense, for my own benefit. Hugs back to you, too. Does anyone, anywhere know how to operate a time machine that goes backward? A circle of huge stones with electrical currents maybe? Anyone?

This morning, I was just checking my emails, reading some, deleting some and I opened one from a store my husband and I always shopped at. It was a sale announcement and there in the middle, was a picture of Paul's favorite cargo shorts that i always ordered for him online. He was very picky about the shorts he wore---they had to be the perfect inseam, the right color, etc. and now, they're on sale. On a regular day, I'd tell him about this and he'd say "Maybe you should order several pairs for me while they're so cheap. That way, I'll always have them." He was wearing a pair of those shorts the day we went down to Miami and he had the second, more severe stroke. They were the shorts bundled up in a bag along with his other items that the hospital personnel handed to me once he was admitted into the emergency room. I brought them home, washed them, folded them and carefully placed them on his dresser, so they'd be there for him to put away. They're still there, waiting for him. It's funny how something that's otherwise innocuous---a simple store email---can make such a huge impact. I woke up this morning feeling pretty decent and then I decided to take care of what I figured would be a simple task---clearing my emails. It was, until I saw that picture and felt like I'd been smacked between the eyes. I literally let out a gasp. You---once again---realize that he's not here to shop for any longer. I know all of his personal preferences like no one else, but, after 34 years, it doesn't matter.

SW, maybe once you're settled in to your new life in Louisiana, you'll find a church that you feel comfortable with. I'd so love to see you find a way to use your faith to help you get through this. Maybe a church with a grief counseling group. You've been dealing with so much in addition to Billy, you deserve some comfort. Me? I usually go hug a tree or sit and feed the iguana who's taken up residence in my back yard. For now, that's my church. Gwen, thank you for that. I think sometimes I'm just overcome by the realization that my days now all seem to be the same. One is just like the other and the other, etc., and I suddenly freak out. Not knowing who I am anymore or even worse, who I'm going to become, is also what scares me. When I was in my twenties, I had that more adventurous attitude that young people do. But, when I connected with Paul, that attitude mellowed because I'd found the ONE and I'm afraid the 57 year old I am now would only feel as if she was cheating on the love of her life if she tried to force herself to "date" or socialize. It will be 9 months this coming week since Paul passed and other than going to a few places to get legal issues taken care of, the only place I've been socially was my niece's baby shower.

SW, The neighbor woman who lives down the street, the one whose husband cut my lawn for me, is a JW. I don't question anyone's faith, I feel everyone is entitled to find whatever path suits them. I was not brought up going to church. My dad was raised Catholic (but later on became an Agnostic), my mom Episcopalian (but not a religious person) and my sister and I were supposed to be raised Catholic, but she's the only one who made all the "Sacraments". They got the water on me as a baby and I attended Sunday school until my sister had made her Confirmation (I was about 3) and then, it all just ceased. I was the one left dangling to read about all religions and discover my own spiritual path, for which I'm actually grateful. I have to say that I admire, maybe even envy a little, those people who find strength and comfort from their faith during times of anguish and grief. I always thought Kathie Lee Gifford had a tendency to go a bit overboard at times with her faith, but I have to say, she seems to be dealing quite well with the sudden passing of her husband. Like we always say, no one nows what goes on behind closed doors, but there are times I wish I DID have that completely faith that Paul is okay now and that I'll be with him again. I do draw solace from Nature, but admit that I'm still scared and still confused. I have this feeling where I know I don't want anyone else but my Paul, but at the same time, the thought has crossed my mind that I will always live alone in this house, I'll never be loved again---who could love me the way Paul did? Does that make me sound like a bad person, to be conflicted like that? I feel terrible about the way Billy's passing happened to both of you. I also feel terrible about what happened to Paul and me and everyone else on here.

SW, I think while there's a break between seasons of Outlander, I'm going to make another attempt at reading the first book. I'll start from the beginning again. I won't provide spoilers in case someone did get to see the season finale, but let's just say there were a few moments in last night's episode where I cried along with the characters, because the situations or emotions hit too close to my reality. The theme of having to say good bye forever to the one you love most. At one point, a character asks Claire how she did it. How she was able to say goodbye. She replies that she isn't good at good byes but they're still gone, whether you want to say goodbye or not and you have to learn to keep living without them. And then, she said it---and I was like, NO, Claire, don't say THAT---"because that's what they would want". How often have WE been told that very thing after our spouses have passed away? I know one thing Paul wanted., He wanted to LIVE. He wanted for us to still be together, happy and in love. So, yes, I had a few moments of bawling my eyes out and am paying today with a "crying hangover" headache and stopped up sinuses. Marita, thank you for repeating your name. I do remember having seen it before, my mind was just totally blank when I replied to you earlier. Music has helped lift my spirits some days. I'll be paying bills or balancing the checkbook and I'll put Pandora radio on and play my 70s or 80s music. Sometimes, when a really good song comes on, by Fleetwood Mac or The Go-Gos, I can't keep my mind on what I'm supposed to be doing and it takes me on her to get things done. But, at least I'm in a better mood. Shoot! "I Ran" by A Flock of Seagulls came on the other day and I just put my pen down and listened, singing along with the chorus. I didn't even TRY to write the check, I knew it would be futile. lol That song was a huge hit the first year Paul and I became a couple. It takes me right back to that time again.

Mitch, When I was in my twenties, I lived for a while in an apartment and used to play my music constantly (The Cars, Pat Benatar, The Pretenders, etc.). I never realized until that time what a banging broom handle sounds like coming up through the floor of your apartment! Haha!

Mitch!! LOL!!!! That's awesome! Besides the totally amazing music, I think I saw my entire childhood flash before my eyes! Thank you for that! (I can see now why my mom was apoplectic when I went straight from David Cassidy to Alice Cooper! Talk about culture shock! My poor mom! I'm so glad I apologized to her while she was still alive for anything and everything immature and stupid that I'd ever done to cause her anguish.) Marg, I forgot to respond to your comment about the Outlander books being historically accurate. I read that Diana Gabaldon's research was so intensive and thorough that she is now considered one of the foremost authorities on everything 18th Century Scotland.

Oh yes, "When Harry Met Sally"! That line was so perfect! I haven't read any of the Outlander books----my friend keeps insisting I should and she ordered the first one for me, but I've gotten only a quarter of the way through. I've heard how long the books are, maybe that's one reason I hesitate. I'm not sure I have that kind of concentration any longer. And the TV show deviates from the books somewhat and seeing all the complaints from people gives me the impression I'm better off just watching the show alone. That way, I'm never disappointed! Haha! I understand where the readers are coming from though, since I read "Gone With the Wind" before I ever saw the movie and there were a few scenes where I'd pipe up and say "Wait a minute! It didn't happen like that in the book!" And so I learned my first lesson as a teenager in what they call "taking creative liberties". This second season of Outlander was based on Dragonfly In Amber, the second book. It was very well done and the costumes for the parts set in France were like delicious eye candy. Now, I'll have to wait until next year for season three. Marg, when you brought up Creedence Clearwater Revival, it was like a message from Paul coming through you. We both loved CCR and whenever one of their songs would come on, we'd look up from whatever we were doing and say at the same time, "CCR!" "Widowed"---I'm so sorry, I don't know your first name---mentioned "One Is The Loneliest Number" and that one takes me right back to middle school, along with songs like "Day By Day" from Godspell, "Joy To The World", another one from Three Dog Night and any song by The Partridge Family, which was my big thing back then. My poor mother didn't know what to do once I entered high school. I went from having a crush on David Cassidy to having a crush on Alice Cooper. HAHA! I'd always tease Paul that when I was still in elementary school, he was serving in the Navy in Vietnam. But, I could still name all the music and artists from his era since my sister was the same age as him and I grew up sitting in her room, listening to al that music. Anyone else remember Chubby Checker and "The Twist", "The Fly" and "The Limbo"? Also, Dee Dee Sharp---I still love that song Gravy, I have it on my iTunes playlist!

I started to laugh when you mentioned that song---I remember it as a kid and I haven't heard it in such a LONG time! The guy's voice always cracked me up. Do you remember Rolf Harris' "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport"? Ah, the golden days of radio. I'm also aware that we aren't supposed to give up, but I've felt like doing just that a few times myself. Sometimes, when I'm not feeling well and it's so, so HOT with no sign of rain for the umpteenth day, I could just lay back in the chair in my living room and give up. Quit trying, quit caring. Because I see no change coming up for me. I try to look ahead and peer into my future, but all I ever see is more of the same. Of course, I have four furry babies here that need me and so I do continue to get up in the morning and clean their litter boxes, feed their little faces, show them love and affection for the love they give me in return. That's the only love and affection I get at home anymore, so I have to appreciate it. How are the trash bags coming along? Did you manage to get some or all of them done? I have shelves of books to still go through, but I keep putting that off. I did manage to throw some laundry in a short time ago and I may try shaving my legs, although I'm not sure for why. I suppose for myself, since no one else is going to see them. I'll shave them in honor of the Outlander season finale tonight. Haha! Don't know what I'll do when that ends; it's been my escape these last several months and Longmire isn't scheduled to return to Netflix until September. I have Paul's chair ready to set up next to me at the computer when it comes back so he can watch the next season with me, just like he did last year.

SW, I'm not going to my reunion---it's also the same day as yours. I can't take it. What you said about your granddaughter----I was just thinking that the other day, how I'll look back at pictures of myself from when I was younger and thought I looked horrible and what I see now is an attractive young girl. I understand that saying "Youth is wasted on the young.". If only we knew then what we know now, maybe we would have been a lot happier and appreciated ourselves more. About a month and a half after Paul died, on Christmas Eve, I was visited by two friends. I used to go to school with the husband and I became friends with his wife on Facebook when I reconnected with him. They live up in the North region of Florida. The visit was going okay, even though I wasn't really up to having people over, and then came the strange part. The husband is an avid photo buff and I noticed he was surreptitiously aiming a small camera at me. I asked what he was doing and he said that he wanted a photo to "commemorate" the visit. He handed a small camera to his wife and what could I do but stand next to him and allow her to take a picture. I mean, they drove all the way down just to see me and he had been battling melanoma for a few years and had just gone into remission. However, then, (without my permission), his wife posted that picture on my Facebook wall. When I saw that picture, I looked so BAD, so OLD and haggard, I burst into tears. Every ounce of pain and grief that I was going through was etched into my face, in spite of my managing a small grin. The bags under my eyes from constant crying and lack of sleep looked like two Samsonite duffel bags. I made a remark under that picture about not caring at all for it and his wife made a joke about it, like it was funny or something. I haven't been able to speak to them since. He's called, but I never call back. Mitch, I'm at the same place. I keep doing things I know need to be done, but I sit and think "Is this it from here on out?". I know there are "steps" I can take to try and get involved in things but I still have no motivation whatsoever. Knowing how much I love animals and wildlife, a few family members have been trying to encourage me to volunteer for the local wildlife rescue hospital. They tell me that helping the animals in need plus meeting and being involved with new people who share my interests would be healthy for me. I'm sure they're right and what they're saying is true, but part of me still feels so lost that I don't know WHAT to do. I guess we're still at the point where time keeps marching on, regardless, and dragging us along with it, whether we're ready or not.

SW, I think I might be using that very same youth serum! I'm not sure how much I've spent on youth creams, serums, masks, lotions, etc., over the years but my face doesn't look the way you'd expect for all that money. Now, I'm trying to work on accepting my face as it is, hoping that it isn't too hideous for public appearances. I'm all-natural while living in an area that's been named the "Plastic Surgery Capital Of The World", even over Los Angeles, if you can believe that! Our reunion is being held in a major tropical resort down on the beach----at night----meaning there will most likely be much drinking, dancing, frivolity and SELFIES! Many, many selfies which will then be posted to Facebook, my present nemesis. Whatever friends I do have left from school I would most likely lose by threatening them every time they'd come near me with a cell phone camera. Honestly doesn't the word "selfie" seem to capture completely the present climate in our society? Doesn't that one word sum it all up succinctly? Most of the things Paul and I did were family-oriented, too, although we loved nature and went for many rides together to parks and wildlife areas. I'd always have my camera with me to get shots of the alligators and birds. I do hope you enjoy your reunion, SW! When is it being held? Soon?

Thank you, Joyce! I know there have been a few classmates that have passed on, but they won't be there and I doubt their spouses would attend without them, since most probably wouldn't have gone to our school. Maybe the fact that it hasn't even been a year yet since Paul passed away is what makes me unwilling to put myself through it. It's a shame, because if Paul was here, I'd definitely be up to attending with him by my side.

I know, my heart broke for him! That's probably the last thing he ever expected to happen when appearing on the show! I'm sure it may have taught everyone who interviews people a lesson as well: do your basic homework or research before opening your yap! On a much more positive note, I am officially a great aunt for the second time! My niece had her daughter, Kiera, at 4:56pm and mother and daughter are doing just fine! I cried with happiness but also with bittersweet feelings since I wish Paul was here to share the news with me.

This is reminding me of the incident that happened a while back on the Today Show. Maybe one of you also saw it. Martin Short, who had lost his wife after a long battle with cancer, was appearing on the hour with Kathie Lee and Hoda. Kathie Lee asked him how his wife was doing and there was this very uncomfortable moment of absolute stunned silence. Even I knew his wife had died because it had been in the papers and on the news. Apparently, Kathie Lee had been out of the country or something and didn't get the memo. I believe Hoda may have interjected something about his wife passing and Kathie Lee's face turned red, she teared up and was extremely apologetic. I actually felt bad for her because I know she never would have been deliberately hurtful and I do feel she made an honest mistake. But, still! My mouth dropped open when she said that, which mirrored the look on Hoda's and Martin Short's faces. So squirm-inducing.

That's one reason why I don't want to go to my high school reunion, which is being held in my town at the end of this month. Some of my friends have encouraged me to go, but there are so many people from my school days whom I haven't been in contact with. All I can picture in my head is one LONG night of "where's your husband?", "He passed away last October", "OMG, I'm so sorry". I mean----all....night...long. Right. I don't think so.