TerriL

Muggs, I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry about everything you are going through. I have an anxiety disorder anyway and when my husband passed away, the anxiety rose. Now, it fluctuates along with the depression. It's like a see-saw. But, dates and anniversaries are naturally going to be major triggers. My Paul has been gone now for a little over nine months and it can still seem unreal to me sometimes that it really happened. I'm no expert, I'm going through it just as you are, but the only thing I can offer is that you aren't alone and you should do whatever YOU think will help you on those significant dates. We are here if you want to get on the forum that day and talk it out. My birthday came only 15 days after my husband died. He was never in hospice care because he went so suddenly. To be honest with you, I don't remember my birthday now---what I did or how I coped. I was still in such deep shock at that time. Who knows? Maybe this birthday in October will be the worse one for me because now, the numbness has worn off. Last January was the 34th anniversary of our first date, March was our 24th wedding anniversary and this past May was Paul's 68th birthday. I got through each of them by doing something (playing music from when we were first dating, lighting a candle in his honor) to pay tribute to him and to us, as a couple. I also got on here and talked with the tribe here. If you go online (You Tube is one place) and look for free grief meditations, you'll find many that help with the anxiety. I've been trying as much as possible to meditate. I don't do anything elaborate, I simply close my eyes and concentrate on my breath going in and out. I try to focus on slowing my breath down. It helps me more some days than others, but the key is to never stop trying. Many a sleepless night, it was the only thing that worked to get me to doze off again. These are only a few suggestions. I'm sure others have great ones, too. But, we do know how rough it is and we are all here for you.

Thank you all for the commiseration. The strangest part is, they've never seemed that inconsiderate. This is why we remained friends for so many years. But, they did remind me of the reasons why high school wasn't really some of the best years of my life. I've never been the type that easily fit in anywhere. I've always marched to my own drummer, even when it meant exclusion from this group or that group. I'm used to entertaining myself rather than go out somewhere with people that only like me if I act like them. Paul didn't always find me an easy person to live with I'm sure, but he did love me for who I was and eventually was proud of the fact that I was like no other he'd ever met. Well, that's what he said at least! lol Yeah, I think what hurts the most is that I didn't think they were like other people who say things but never follow through. One of our firefighter friends, who passed away a month after Paul and with whom I had spoken only a couple of weeks prior, told me the very thing you're all saying. He himself had battled multiple myeloma for 13 years (they originally gave him 6 months) and he said that a lot of people are going to tell you they're there for you and whatever you need, just let them know. He said that they'd said that to him when he was first diagnosed. Then he dropped the bombshell, "The majority of those people are full of s*&t. I can count on one hand, the number of people who have been there to help me. Paul was one of them who was there whenever I needed him." He then went on to tel me that he wanted to let me know that, like Paul did for him, he was a phone call away if I needed anything. It was such a sweet gesture. I knew he was weak and had stopped his treatments but I was grateful for him saying that---especially what he said about Paul being such a help. It made me feel good to know how much he appreciated Paul. So, I'm not going to be too upset about this, because I've also discovered people who came through for me when I never expected it. One girl I was friends with in school and who now lives in Central Florida, came down to see her mom and said she was going to stop by to visit me. She said she really wanted to see me. I was shocked when she DID. We had a wonderful afternoon talking about all kinds of things and catching up. She and another good friend were the ones who, when they realized I was no longer on FB, kept pushing me to download the Words With Friends app on my iPad so we could stay in contact. I think they were genuinely worried about me and wanted to make sure they maintained some sort of connection. A third friend who lives out of state has been such a godsend and has called, emailed and texted me. She sent me a framed inspirational quote, as well. There have been great people who totally make up for the not-so-great, or should I say, the disappointments.

Oh, forgot to mention---I had told you my reunion was being held down here over this past weekend, as well. Had a couple of friends from out of state, we've always called ourselves each other's "tribe". Last week in a phone call, they told me how much they wanted to stop by and see me while they were in town. They asked me if I was up to seeing them, because they knew I was not attending the reunion itself. I said I'd love a visit; they'd brighten my day. I felt so flattered that they'd want to take them time to pay me a visit amidst the festivities. They flew in last Thursday. It's late Sunday afternoon now and I never heard word one from them---not a call, not a text. Not even to say "We can't come by after all. We're so sorry." Guess my "tribe" shriveled up and I am again, as always, a Lone Wolf. Except for all of you. We're the tribe no one wants membership in, but we're here nonetheless.

I"m like you, Marg, I wouldn't want to sell my property either to someone who wanted to take that beautiful acreage and turn it into another development. Being a South Florida native, I have a natural disdain for many developers. I've watched Florida's natural beauty and rural areas become overrun with cookie cutter gated communities, highways, shopping centers, etc. It's an abomination and is seriously taxing our natural resources. Don't even get me started on the crime rates. Good thing you had already signed the rental papers. Perfect timing! Maybe Billy was intervening once again to make sure the wrong people didn't get their hands on your property!

Oh, I've been there, too. When I was younger and Paul and I were going through a "rough patch", I'd wonder how my life would be if I was single and free to do whatever I wanted. Now, I don't want to have that kind of "freedom". I'd gladly be "bound" to Paul for decades to come and I feel like a fool for ever thinking otherwise. Also, when I was my young, more-militant self, whenever someone would call me Mrs. Paul or Mrs. Paulie (what the men he worked with on the FD called me), the feminist in me would ruse up and say, "You know, I have a first name. I'm more than just someone's wife!" Today, it wouldn't matter to me one bit if they called me that again. I call myself that now. I'm proud to be Paul's wife. On one hand, I feel like I was an immature idiot, not realizing what I had. On the other hand, however, I know that I truly appreciated and loved him. I would make it policy in our home that every day, we would tell each other how much we loved each other and even if we had a spat, we'd kiss goodnight. I knew then that you're never guaranteed the next day. Knowing it and actually living it, of course, are two very different things. I still thought we had so many years left together; I didn't really think we might not have tomorrow. I probably refused to think about it. I'm so glad you had a good time with your friends. If remarrying made a few of them happier, well, as you say, you can't begrudge them that. To each his own. About the bird feeding: I've had the same experience when I was feeding the birds and squirrels. Every now and then, I'd see a lone dove or cardinal (cardinals travel in pairs--if you see a red one, the brown female is usually around somewhere and vice versa) and I would wonder if the other was around and just hidden in the hedges or if they had lost their mate. I miss feeding them. I stopped doing that right after Paul's passing because I didn't want to spend extra money on the seed and peanuts. I might get back into it though, because I enjoyed ti so much and miss watching them all. Seeing them out there would brighten my day.

You know, Marg, I don't think it matters either way. Paul and I had been in this house for over 31 years. We bought another house back after my mother passed away---that's the one with five acres---and were trying to sell this house, but it was one of those things where the timing wasn't right. I should not have made the decision to move less than a year after my Mom gad passed away and left my Dad all alone. We had the house with acreage for only one year, sold it (in early 2000) to return here so I could be closer to my Dad and our goddaughter, and we've been here ever since. We wanted to travel more around the country, but had no one to look after our animals. No one we trusted, anyway. After Paul died, I thought to myself, "If we had been MORE like gypsies, traveling around and seeing all sorts of places, would he have lived longer? Would his stress and blood pressure have been lower? Would he still be here now?" Whatever way we have lived, we will all wonder about that other path not taken. That's the deal with that fork in the road. You make a choice and you can't always go back and find out what "could have been" or "might have been". But, having said that, it's my belief that people are the way they are. I can't say for sure whether being on the road traveling would have made Paul less aggravated or more so. He had the type of personality (same as his father's) where he would get stressed out by the tiniest things some times. I would tell him that he was overreacting and he needed to put things into proper perspective---it wasn't the big deal he was turning it into. Who knows? Even having the answer at this point to our "what if" questions wouldn't bring Paul or Billy back and might even be more painful for the both of us.

Joyce, that's a wonderful thing you did for Dale! Our great minds are thinking alike! It just a way to soothe what is otherwise a traumatic situation for me. If I have to let something go, I feel the need to replace it with something meaningful, not just slapping sod down to "fill in space". My brother in law is helping me, although I still don't think he "gets" me. He now calls me "one of a kind". Okay, I can live with that! lol When you finish your planting, Joyce, you should post a picture of the finished product. I'll do the same for mine when I get everything installed. I feel very responsible for keeping Paul's memory and legacy alive, just as I know all of you do, too. Marty, I was so happy to discover the Funnies thread! I had some great laughs reading the posts!

Marita, I love your idea. I also love that picture! lol Personally, I do not find black cats to be bad luck, but I've never had an entire herd of black angus in my yard. So whether or not THAT is bad luck, is anyone's guess. When we had our house on five acres, we did have the neighbor's horse get through the fence and were awoken to the sound of our horse, Tristan (a huge Belgian cross), kicking him and screaming at him. Paul had to chase the other horse back home again and repair the fence. I remember Paul laughing because Tristan, who was normally a very sweet-natured boy, was kicking the other horse's behind. Mitch, thank you for the hugs and for the LAUGH!!! That was so funny!!!! You're brilliant! I wish I could do stuff like that but I don't have the know-how.

George, I totally understand. Just a few weeks ago, I had to take Paul's name off the auto insurance. I received a tern dollar credit (or something like that) for now being the only driver on the policy. The woman on the phone said it to me like it should cheer me up. What she didn't realize is that they're "rewarding" me for having lost my husband. My husband's name remains on our personal checking accounts and checks. I don't know if I even want to take his name off them. Is there a law stating I have to? These are things that---again---the average person doesn't "get". The pain that comes when you are removing all the aspects of your spouse's existence from your life. The fact that they are no longer here to have or use all of these normal parts of living---banks, insurance, my husband's satellite radio in his truck, etc.---keeps hitting us repeatedly. Today, the pool he worked so hard putting up is coming down. The destruction is a lot faster than the construction , to be sure. I'm planning to use that circle he dug out, however. I want some sort of tribute to him there. For a long time, I've wanted a fire pit and I believe I will have one put into the center of that circle. then I can have stones or something laid and purchase some outdoor-friendly seating. Maybe I can find something with his initials and have that installed, too. I'm still in the planning stages right now.

George, I'm not exactly sure how this whole grief thing works. The erratic ups and downs from day to day are so exhausting and I try to enjoy the good or funny moments when they come. If I can bring someone along with me for the funny rides, it makes me feel even better. I hope you have a wonderful weekend.

Okay, today is not a good day for me. I've been in tears as I've watched my brother in law taking down the pool out back. He slashed the liner apart with a box cutter and it exposed the inside of the aluminum ring, where Paul had very carefully duct taped the visqueen (that goes on top of the dirt to prevent weeds coming up through the liner) to the inside of the metal. I looked at each little strip of tape, remembering how neatly and thoroughly he did all his work, and I lost it. I had to come inside. It's another piece of Paul I feel is being eliminated from my world. It's over 30 years of summers spent in the pool coming to an end. The unbearable pain has returned. Just when I think I'm coping, I feel as if I could cry, scream and curse until I drop to the ground myself. I just want Paul back with me.

I can't believe your name and number were on the wall of an Oriental Food store! One moment with Marg and a half hour later, you're hungry for more! LOL Seriously though, now I know a real life Jenny 867-5309! I have seen Murphy's Romance many times. In fact, I saw it just a couple of weeks ago on one of those nostalgia channels. I also used to love those Polaroid commercials with him and Mariette Hartley. They had such great chemistry that people thought they were really married to each other! Shoot, let's face it---that man could have chemistry with a lamp post! One reason why I don't think Prince Charles was inconsolable upon the death of Diana isn't just because they were divorced. It was also because Diana wasn't ever the one he truly loved. That was Camilla, but she was married to someone else and not deemed suitable to give the Prince heirs. He was cheating on Diana with Camilla throughout their marriage. The ones I truly felt for when she died were those two boys. What wonderful, handsome young men they've become! Diana would be so proud and thrilled to be a two-time grandmother now.

I don't know, Marg, I can't stop thinking that Billy WILL see the pictures! You are one who is going through so much and I wish I could do something to help you. I hope you are able to just relax and have a wonderful time with the girls tomorrow. You SO deserve this, Marg! Allow yourself to have this and lose yourself in it for a little while. Some of my friends were flying in for my reunion tomorrow and they had told me they wanted to stop by and see me yesterday, but I haven't heard from them. I'm sure a bunch of alumni are already at the hotel on the beach and probably are more caught up with the ones right in front of them than the one who isn't even attending. It's funny what you said about how sometimes it might be best to not know or understand what's going on. When my father was terminally ill and they placed him in a nursing facility, I remember one elderly lady, sitting in the hallway in a wheelchair. When I walked by her after leaving my Dad's room, she smiled, grabbed my hand and said, "Are you coming to the party tonight?" She completely caught me by surprise and I laughed, squeezed her hand and said, "Yes! I'll be there!" She nodded, said, "GOOD!" and let go of my hand and I thought the same as you in that moment. Looking around at that "place", I thought how it was almost a blessing for her to be having parties to go to in her mind. Something fun and pleasant from her past life instead of the sad reality. My dad passed away in October of 2002, so I'm sure that woman is also long gone now. But, I hope in her last moments, she was the "Belle of the Ball". On a different note, does anyone else find the new notification funny? I notice that now, you're all giving me "reputation"! Too late! I'm afraid I already gave myself quite the reputation when I was much younger! LOL!

Marg, I remember CHIPS with Erik Estrada, but was more of a Rockford Files girl. I have always loved James Garner, may he RIP. Like my Paul, it wouldn't have mattered how old James Garner got, he could still get my motor running. What's that saying? Beauty fades, personality is forever? I'm sure I massacred that one, but you know what I'm getting at. Thank you Joyce for the kind, thoughtful words. I know we're all in this together, but there are some weeks when I'll see so many of you struggling with such stressful issues added on to your grief and I'm simply speechless. I feel for all of you who are having such a hard time. Marita, if I gave you a smile or laugh today then you have brightened my day, as well! As I said, my "down" moods come and go, but I desperately need to know that I can still laugh and make others do the same. For me, personally, that's the sign that somehow I may eventually be able to break through to the other side of grief. Laughter is like the flip side of crying---they both "purge" you and are both cathartic in their own ways. Thank you for appreciating my humor. Sometimes I've worried that people may view me as too "glib" for a grief support forum, but I assure you, I never make jokes with any disrespect intended. That's simply how my mind works and how I view life. I agree with you that everyone on here has helped me tremendously and I've never before experienced such warmth and generosity in an online community. Once in a while, I forget that none of us have ever met face to face before! I feel as if I know everyone! lol

It never fails. When someone mentions "chips", is it long before the "dip" shows up? And here I am! I've been having various issues the past week or so, so I haven't been writing much, but I have been reading the posts. When I read them, I then feel even more like I shouldn't be saying anything because so many of you are going through horrible things beyond the grief alone and I am humbled by how you are handling it all. I think my depression kicks in and out. Lately, I've had that feeling of having a heavy, wet, woolen blanket draped over my shoulders constantly, no matter what I'm doing. I'm missing Paul so much and it gets exhausting after a awhile. I finally had the guy come out to do the "green" termite treatment and I had a couple of guys come out to give me quotes on lawn service. One didn't want the job because he prefers doing entire gated residential communities instead of a single residence and the other guy's price for my hedges was ridiculously high, in my opinion. So, my brother in law said he'll come trim a bit off the hedges and he's also begun helping take down the pool. I've gotten pretty much every frog out that was in there and now there are NEW tadpoles. I talked at taking the pool down with the new generation in there, but he convinced me that it will only go on and on and I have to get the disgusting water out of there at some point. So, it made me cry to see parts of it coming down. Tomorrow, the rest of it will probably be taken down. I just wanted to make sure I avoid flooding any of the neighbors' properties with what's left of the water. As it's dismantled, I see a part of my life going with it. Another part that's over now. I'm so sorry that everyone is dealing with such difficulties and so much pain. I'll say a blessing for all of us.

I believe we've all stumbled onto something big here. None of us have been able to picture our futures without our loves and now, I see before us, the start of our very own petting farm. We'll name it "Marty's Petting Farm" in honor of the woman who brought us together! Seriously, Marita, that is fascinating about the chickens and turkeys. I had no clue about any of it and I can see now, unlike the people who dress up their dogs, chicken aprons are actually a necessity. (That isn't a snide commentary aimed at dog-dressing people, it's just that dresses on dogs are NOT a life-saving situation. Somewhere right now, there's a dog saying, "Please! Save my life and get the dress OFF me!" lol) I wish you all the success in the world with your business! You do beautiful work; you're so creative! Marg (SW), I would have been exactly like you regarding the goat's milk. Something may end up being tasty, but I do NOT like being tricked or pranked and I am stubborn and willful enough to never eat it again if I was tricked into it. Haha! We DO have Super Powers!

Enna, you are right on about that rock and a hard place! I've felt like that since Paul passed away. One constant "OMG, how did this happen and what do I do NOW?" Marg, I do apologize for inadvertently calling you by MY name, (WW)! I meant SW, of course, and in my natural state of confusion, hit the W instead of the S. Maybe we share the traits of BOTH. We're trying to have "Super" powers and yet, we "Wonder" how we've managed to get this far!

These chickens look so adorable in the aprons! They just let you put the aprons on them? They don't put up a fight? I wish I had chickens! And I also have Gorilla Glue! I'm halfway to a genuine home repair kit.

Oh and Kay----pass the duct tape, will you? lol Duct tape for the things that won't stay still and WD-40 for the things that won't move!

You know, I realized that Marty is between a rock and a hard place----you can't please everybody and no matter the situation, there will always be someone who finds something to take offense with. Some people go through life being "professionally offended". Haha! So, I just laughed it off and let the matter drop. But, I do love the addition of this new arrow with the hearts! I've just been having the best time reading and clicking away on those little arrows. And to think, I never really gave it a second thought before. Now, I really notice the arrow button! George, you hit the nail on the head with why I was worried about attempting the repair myself. I don't want to be electrocuted by a stupid ceiling fan! Marg (WW), you sly fox, you know you are one of the MOST popular people here! You can never post too much. When you aren't posting, I miss your funny life observations and your news on what's happening in your world. You also finished another book? You and Billy are on a roll!!

Oh, Maryann! Mother of Pearl! As soon as I saw him removing the cover and those wires came popping down, I shook my head and said, "Yeah, that's not gonna happen." Not wth ME, at least! HAHA! Looks like I'm in the market for a handyman now. Kay, I am definitely following your advice! Kay's neighbor, stay away from my fan! For now, I'm doing what you did. I'll turn the light bulb a little to shut it off and when I need light, I'll turn the bulb on. I need reality show: Livin' Large with Terri! (Just excuse all the stuff in my house that is now being held together with duct tape! lol) I was so spoiled living with my own handyman all those years. It still shocks me when a man doesn't now how to fix something! lol

Speaking of loneliness, it never feels more lonely than when something else in the house breaks and I have no clue what to do. We have a ceiling fan with a light on it in our bedroom and the light is switched on and off by a chain hanging down. I was filing some paid bills away in there and when I was leaving the room, I reached up, grabbed the chain to turn out the light and the chain broke off in my hand, leaving the light still on. It appears the chain broke off inside the doohickey on the side of the light so there's no way for me to re-attach the chain to it. Is there a way to turn the light off on this or should I just remove the light bulb from the socket? Does anyone have any idea?

Kay, the problem with that, for me, is that I don't always have the time right away to respond. I'd click the "Like" to let someone know I understood and that I'd heard them. Then, when I was able to sit and write, even if it was a day later, I'd respond. It's funny that someone would feel that only now, without those "Like" buttons, will we concentrate on dialogue. I've done nothing but focus on the dialogue I've been having with the wonderful people on this forum from the day I joined. (If someone WAS getting more "Likes" than another, it may have been simply because they posted more than that other person. A regular poster will automatically receive more likes than someone who posts once and then nothing else for weeks or months.) I only want it pointed out that I myself, (and this is only my opinion), never felt that anyone I spoke with was attempting to "become popular". It's why I have stayed off Facebook, because that's a completely different atmosphere than this forum. Talk about "popularity contests"! On a positive note, thank you for the temporary distraction from my grief that this subject has provided!

No matter what situation it might be, I always find it fascinating how the same thing can mean so many different things to different people. I can honestly say that I didn't even realize that the "Likes" were tallied and because of that, I never looked nor would I have cared to see how many I got over someone else. I concentrate on the people I'm sharing with and what they're saying and feeling. I'm sure I speak for some others when I say that losing my wonderful Paul has made me even less concerned than ever about my "popularity" (especially in a place for sharing grief). By the way, I "like" what everyone above said (to express my agreement)!

Karen, I teared up reading your post because I can feel your pain through your words. I wish I had the answers for ALL of us, but I don't. I can only tell you that I've often felt the same way about the people on this forum being the only ones who really seem to "get" me and what I'm going through. I also wish you all weren't so far away. I am grateful, however, that I have you all here to talk with. Better to have each other and be far away, than to have no one at all.