TerriL

Joyce, I think you're on to something about our husbands being in our brains! Just the other day, I saw something on TV and I spoke to it like Paul used to! Lol I even said the same thing he would have. I was thinking he was laughing at me, saying, "See? Now you're starting to get it!"

SW, neither one of us would ever be able to bail the other out because I have a feeling we'd be sitting next to each other in the same cell! We'd probably be laughing, saying "It was worth it!" LOL!! No, your honor! I don't suffer from insanity. I quite enjoy it!

Marita, tonight, I padlocked the gates on each side of my house. I made sure I had the proper keys to them first! LOL It wouldn't prevent someone climbing over but it would make taking anything more difficult and make more noise if they had to keep doing it that way. I agree that the people on here should know how proud their spouses are, even when we all think we're dropping the ball. This is no picnic and it seems like it would be so much easier to give up sometimes, but we have to try to keep going. Thank you all for the words of encouragement today and for having my back when it came to my standing up to my BIL. I saw how badly he treated my father after my mom had died, but my dad lived in my BIL's rental property so my BIL got to call all the shots. There was nothing my father could do. My BIL told me that if my dad moved out, he'd have the place fixed up and rented again so fast, it would make my dad's head spin. There's no way he'd let my dad back in because he wasn't making enough of a profit. My sister would always let her husband deal with everything and turn a blind eye to it. That keeps her looking innocent. I think my BIL thought he could get away with treating me badly, too, except I push back. Hard. And all he can do about it is stay home. George, that's great advice about the churches and deacons! I had never thought about that! They might also have someone or at least know someone who does handyman kind of work, too.

Mitch, it's true. Facing everything in life is easier when you're part of a team, when you face it together. Joyce, I know Dale and Paul would be proud of the two of us. I'm kind of hoping they're standing beside us in some way, giving us extra strength when we need it. Kay, yeah, you have no idea how petty and immature this guy can be. He's been this way ever since my sister first started going with him back around 1967 or 68. The funny thing is, there were times after he issued that "apology" a few months ago, saying he treated me badly right after Paul had died and should be shamed of himself, that I suspected the apology was less than sincere. I even said that to him once when he was trying to take over things before I was ready to tackle them. I'm not sure why he felt all my vehicles and my yard and everything around the house has to be tackled within a very short period of time. He doesn't live here. And if I'm okay with something as it is, that's ALL that matters. I spoke with my goddaughter this evening and she, too, was outraged by what my BIL said about Paul. She told me that my BIL is attempting to belittle and demean me so I will think I can't do it without his help, he's toxic and has to go! LOL! So wise for 27! I'm expecting the lawn guys back in two weeks. I went outside and spoke with them myself to figure out payment, the schedule, etc. Guess my BIL was wrong when he told me that it;s harder for "girls" to speak with lawn people than a mAN. Uh....why? You ask them to look at your lawn, tell you how much and you say yes or no! Seems easy enough to me. Kay, aren't dandelions technically flowers? You're naturescaping for the pollinators---bees, birds, bats! You are a brave woman handling a weed whacker on our own. I'm not even sure how to start one up and I'm sure my legs would be in need of medical care with the string marks I'd have all over from whacking my calves instead of the weeds! lol

LOL!!!! Gwen, that thought about the trespassing sign actually went through my head!! This is why, when people feel bad that I'm alone and ask if I have any family that "helps" me, they don't realize that there really are some things worse than being alone! Allowing yourself, in your grief, to become dependent on someone who is controlling and abusive is one of those things and I won't allow it! Paul wouldn't want that for me either.

Joyce, I'm certainly proud of you for standing your ground! I am so tired of these jerks who think they can push a woman around or think she'll buy whatever line they hand her. SW, I do believe I am going to keep the rift a permanent one this time around. I've had it and the more I keep thinking of how he insulted me, Paul, my home, the more sure I am that I am DONE with him. I keep hearing in my head when I told him I had hired a lawn service but they were killing my grass, "You don't HAVE grass, you have WEEDS!!!". This is coming from a 71 year old man, believe it or not. You have no idea how restrained I am being right now because the things I'd really like to say about him are not family friendly! Lol We all deserve huge hugs today!

SW, I understand the law, which is: no matter how many power struggles my BIL attempts to engage me in, he WON'T win. Bottom line: my name is on the house, the vehicles----all of it. And because i see I can never trust them, no one in my blood family will be named executrix of my will, or my power of attorney or my medical surrogate. I have a goddaughter and good friends who know my wishes and have promised to honor them if the time should come for that. I'm trying to keep my head up. First, I had to take two Tylenol for my head ACHE. lol Joyce and Marita, I know what you both mean. Before I completely lost my coo, I attempted to explain to him what it was like for me in a way I felt he could relate. I asked how he would feel if I suddenly decided on my own that I felt the fountain he put in his pond with the water lilies was far too much upkeep for him to worry about and so I just went ahead and hired some guys to show up and take it all out and cart it away. That's when he said something along with the lines of, "When you're done chewing me out..." I looked at him and said, I'm not chewing you..." he wouldn't let me finish, before he raises his voice and say, "Yes, you are!" and then begins insulting my husband and insulting me and speaking to me in his usual condescending manner. If someone doesn't automatically fall in line with whatever HE wants, the way HE wants it, he chooses to perceive their explanations as "chewing him out". He kept repeating nothing was getting done and i kept repeating that that was NOT true. There are things I've done that he knows nothing about, simply because it has nothing to do with HIM. Only ME. I don't owe him any explanation for making my own decisions. He also keeps calling me a "girl", which only represents him trying to keep me in an inferior position. I correct him. I'm 57 years old. I'm not a girl. I have an AARP card, for crying out loud! lol It's sad to say, but I'm getting to the point where I think I'd rather pay a stranger to do what needs to get done so it's done MY way rather than save money by allowing family to do it. Because, let's face it. There is ALWAYS a price of some sort to pay. I may save a few bucks when my BIL gets involved, but what price am I paying in my increased stress levels. I am subjected to repeated verbal and mental abuse by a jerk who can't stand not being able to call all the shots. He does not respect Paul nor does he respect my wanting to gain some independence. That's TOO high a price to pay, in my opinion. (By the way, when I had that "break" from him? I still had the stress of losing Paul, but my constant stress levels went down significantly.)

That's beautifully put, SW. I relate to you so much because you articulate so many of my own preferences in life and my thoughts on this world. One of the first things brought up to me by my relatives when Paul passed was if I'd considered selling my home, with the yard that needs to be maintained, and moving into a condo. Uh.....no. And NEVER a 55 and older type of place. No offense to any on here who have enjoyed living in a community like that, but for me, it just is not suited to why personality. I want to be around LIFE, people of ALL ages and occupations. I may have had to part with my pool and banana trees, but I want to replace it with something vibrant and again, full of life. I need that reminder that there is still much beauty to be had in this world and that nature is still my sanctuary. I'm so sorry about your mom being in pain, Marg. At her age and with her illness, one can only hope that she can be kept comfortable until the end. That's all any of us can hope for, I suppose. Your mom is one heck of a fighter!! I bow to the mightiness of her spirit! On a personal note, I knew it was most likely only a matter of time, but I had another major blow out this morning with brother in law. I was trying to explain where my mind is at grief-wise in a way he could understand. I was comparing things going on with me to certain things he would not like if they were happening out on his own property. He said I was "chewing him out": and then launched into one of his childish tirades about how :"nothing is getting done". Once again, he cites my husband's car as proof that NOTHING is getting done and also the fact that my lawn is getting longer again because I've been on a search for a lawn service and won't hire just any guy with a truck and mower that comes along. He showed up today to finish a few things with what's left of the pool and he went across the street to the neighbor's laws service and made a deal with them to start doing my lawn regularly. I had thought of asking them for a card the next time they were in the neighborhood myself, but I would have appreciated being brought in on the talk so I'd know exactly how I'm supposed to pay them and all that other stuff. My brother in law isn't the one who is going to be here every time they show up, I am. Plus, it's my house and lawn. What really angers me the most is that my BIL insults my husband, insults ME, and think's he is the ONLY one who knows the right way to do everything. I don't know what his Mommy taught him growing up, but he always thinks he knows more than everyone else, whom he considers "beneath" him. He was pressuring me, asking when I was going to do something with Paul's car. I didn't tell him that I'd been in contact with another charity we support to see if they would take the vehicle. I still said nothing to him because I was so insulted by his tone and I said "When I'm good and ready, because that car belonged to Paul." He said Paul doesn't matter. He claims he gave me a "90 day break" back earlier this year when things weren't getting done so he could allow for my grief. But, now, things STILL aren't getting done to his satisfaction. First off, he didn't give me a break. He threw a temper tantrum about doing my yard, told me to hire a lawn service and I never contacted him again. I didn't NEED so-called "help" like that. Here's a news flash for him. I still DON'T. I told him maybe he should just go the hell home to his wife, his acreage and pond with water fountains and all this crap and give me another break. They can sit on their patio and talk down about me all they want to and I won't have to listen to any of it. These are the times I get angry with Paul for leaving me. How could he leave me in the clutches of these people?

SW, Paul always made remarks about how he would not live long enough to ever see our cat Frankie get old (Frankie just turned 3 at the start of August) or other, similar remarks and I would become so angry at him. I'd tell him that what you keep putting in to your brain (negative OR positive) is what can end up manifesting in life. I saw it as a "jinx". I always thought Paul took after his father more and his father's father---they had health issues like diabetes and COPD, but lived until they were 85. I felt sure that, since Paul didn't smoke and was trying to eat more healthily and got plenty of exercise working out in the yard, he would perhaps even live PAST that 85 year mark. That's what I wanted with all my heart. Unfortunately, it seems as if he must have taken after his mother more. She died at age 60, suddenly and unexpectedly, while at work. She had a blood clot travel to her heart, had a heart attack and just dropped. They tried to revive her but couldn't. She was heavy smoker and drinker, so I felt that Paul had escaped a fate like that. But, he didn't even end up living as long as HE thought he would. As I have said before, we were talking about how we were going to celebrate our Silver wedding anniversary, which would have been next year and also he was talking about his 70th birthday, which was still three years away at the time. So, he had no plans to go as early as he did. No inkling, whatsoever. Nor did I.

Marg, ain't that the truth! I still have my moments of weakness, but I have been trying very hard to stop the ruminating. It was keeping me crying, keeping me up at nights, keeping me angry, etc. Of course I know NOW everything Paul and I should have done! But, back in those moments, back when it could have made a difference, we had no CLUE. I had my suspicions---I tried to persuade Paul to let me take him to the ER the day he woke up with the vision gone in his good eye and I was very unhappy at how the retina specialist was handling Paul's situation. That doctor tested Paul and knew the vision loss was not due to his eye and yet wasted an entire extra day sending us down to Miami to more eye specialists, where Paul had the second, final stroke from which he would not recover. The morning we were going to make that trip to Miami, I was so upset. Paul thought it was because he was "inconveniencing" everyone. OMG, nothing could be farther from the truth!!! None it was Paul's fault! I was angry at the doctor we had seen the day before, angry because somehow, deep inside of me, I just KNEW that going to Miami was a mistake and angriest of all at myself. I wish I was forced Paul to go to the ER that Saturday morning. Now, I'll never know how things might have turned out if Paul had gotten the PROPER tests, diagnosis and treatment that very first day instead of allowing FOUR days to go by. The real irony of it was that Paul went for years without going to doctors and was always so healthy, other than he had high blood pressure. When we both started having those symptoms and weight loss, we finally began seeing a doctor on a regular basis and Paul had even begun taking blood pressure medication. He was told that he was "pre-diabetic" but the doctor said he could try changing his diet and such before using meds for that. Paul also drank beer, but had cut down years before. On his death certificate, the hospital put "diabetes mellitus" as a contributing factor to his strokes. His primary care doctor never gave him a diagnosis of "diabetes mellitus". I don't know. We had vials and vials of blood taken and you just place yourself in the hands of these so-called "professionals" and hope they know what they're doing. But, now, after realizing that my inner voice was actually CORRECT, even over the so-called "professionals", my gut and heart are what I will allow to take precedence over anything anyone tells me again. If something seems "wrong" or "off" to me, I will heed it. If I'd done that when Paul woke up that morning or even right after he had seen that "retina specialist" (Paul was still seemingly okay other than the loss of vision at that point), Paul might still be here today and I wouldn't be in this living hell right now. However, as you say: You cannot go back and change a thing.

Marg and Joyce, Ditto. I'd do it all over again, good and bad, just to be with Paul and end up the way we did. Our marriage ended up all the better for what we struggled through the first ten years.

Excuse me, SW, but WE need you, too. I do, at least! You have talked me through many a rough moment with your super powers. I really loved that quote. I always felt that God would want people who question to follow him. If a theory or belief is true or honorable then it should stand up to any scrutiny. There should be no fear in someone questioning its validity. I know that if I had followers, I would want them to be intelligent and rational, for that type of person could only make ME look good, as well. Who wants to be Queen of the Idiots? I also don't think you're selfish, Marg. You're a survivor. Billy is proud of that.

Just a warning before I post this: I am on my tablet again, so at any time now, we could be having another gas day. Haha!! Kay, I may just do that. I should call the head of the place and see what sort of response I get from her. You're right, it would be different if Paul was here and we just wanted to get rid of the car. But, this had special meaning for me and it did hurt my feelings. Joyce and Gwen, I am also guilty of thinking the same things when someone lost their spouse. Earlier last year, I was conversing with some friends on FB and two who are divorced (the ones who never showed up this past weekend) were commiserating about how hard it was to be single again and back in the dating scene in their late 50s, how sad the prospects were, etc. Even that caused me to pray and give deep thanks that I was happily married to the love of my life and never would have to even deal with all that other stuff again. I was so thrilled and relieved it wasn't ME going through that. About five months later, Paul was gone. I know one didn't cause the other, but still, it left me dumbfounded. One moment, I was considering going to the reunion with my sweetheart on my arm, the next, I was alone.

Isn't it amazing how so many people are suddenly such "grief experts"? They haven't necessarily gone through it themselves, but they know it all.

Gwen, I guess great minds think alike once again---the Catch-22 reference! Must be true then, if we both thought of it at the same time. I used to be more adventurous and up for change, too, when I was younger. I wasn't having problems with the Crohn's at that point, I was still dancing, my whole future was ahead of me. There just seemed to be so many possibilities. And now, I don't see those possibilities any longer. I just don't even know what kind of future is in store for me anymore. I've been trying to change my diet for the better, purchasing more produce. Before, Paul and I would eat most of it up before it went bad, but now, alone, I can't eat all of it and I end up tossing so much out into our compost bin. Or Betty the Iguana gets special treats. So, I get that part, too, about not really cooking much. I bought a new cookbook at the urging of my goddaughter and her fiancé. It's called Thug Kitchen. IT's hilarious to read, but has very healthy recipes. So, I promised them I will give it a serious try. She's worried about me keeping my health up and I do appreciate that. It's always a nice thing to know someone wants the best for you.

I also have to echo Patty's sentiment, Marg, that I'm so grateful and glad that you did not go deep into that forest. I know I have felt the same way at times. I sit and wonder sometimes, what kind of life I have without Paul and it doesn't seem like much of one. I do have my cats though and I would never want anything to happen to them because of my selfishness. I know that they would not fare well should something happen to me, so I keep moving along, getting through the day, even if it feels as if I'm on automatic pilot. Like Kay always says, I'll start the day with great ideas or plans to get accomplished and the next thing I know, it's fife o'clock, time to think about feeding the cats and getting in the shower and I wonder where the entire day went. I'll have not accomplished ONE thing I had planned to do. I now sleep in the recliner in the living room. The sheets that Paul slept on right before he died are still on the bed, which I know sounds horrible. His water bottle is still sitting on the dresser next to the bed and the blue towel he used for his last shower still hangs over the shower door in the bathroom. I remove it to take my shower, but always hang it back up again for him. I had to watch today as my brother in law came over and cut more pieces of the swimming pool apart---this time the heavy steel outer ring. I didn't cry this time, I just felt numb and exhausted. I've also thought about both the good and the bad times. I think I began trying to think of some of the not so great times, just to see if it would lessen my pain at all. I was afraid of the "glorification" thing people do when someone dies. I was honest from the start about the good and the bad between Paul and me because the BEST was in the second half of our relationship, which means we loved each other enough to stick it out and not bail when we were going through the bad times. It was a testament to and proof of how deep our love for each other truly was. I've thought about getting out of this house, but right now, I believe the smartest thing to do is stay put. I could get quite a bit for it at the moment since they're saying houses are in short supply here in South Florida. The problem is, where would I go? And if I could get a high price, that means I'd also have to PAY a high price for a new home. That Catch-22 thing. So, for now, I'm surrounded by memories and I try to feel comforted by it, like a warm hug. I am scared by the "early into it" part though. OMG, it's bad enough now. What's to come as it creeps ever closer to the one year mark this October 15th? Thank goodness we have each other on here. I began calming down more and feeling less alone once I joined this forum. I feel as if I've gotten to know the people behind the "words on a page" and you've helped me tremendously.

Kay, The ASPCA is a charity I admire, as well. I looked up my wildlife rescue and I have to say, a good portion of the money accrued does go for the programs at the center. Their Executive Director, of whom I am a long time fan, as she has been so instrumental in initiating animal cruelty laws and police units in our locality, in addition to working to expand these laws nationally, has a relatively small yearly salary, compared to many CEOs in some of these charities. She's pulling in about $100,000 a year, which might be a lot to ME, but isn't a lot in terms of what Exec. Directors would normally be making. I'm almost tempted to call HER and tell her what happened when I tried to donate my late husband's vehicle. I wonder if she would be okay with the way the financial department is handling it. I was actually told that the reason they weren't keen on taking my husband's classic car (it's rusty and not restored, but it has a good engine that runs and a good battery) is because they had high hopes for an old Corvette that was donated and it didn't bring in the amount they were hoping for. I know that this car is worth at least $1500.00. So, if I wrote a check for that amount and tried to give it to them, they'd turn me down? I suppose, after expenses, there wouldn't be enough left for them? I have no clue, but they need to change what they have written on their web site, about taking ALL vehicles, running or not. They DON'T.

Marg, I think many of us had that "it only happens to other people, not us" mentality. When paul was alive and we would receive emails about other guys he had worked with on the fire department passing, I'd feel so bad for their wives and family. I'd always send a card or donation to their charity of choice (no, I wouldn't look it up! lol If they supported it, that's all that really mattered and my opinion had nothing to do with it.). I know that I felt so grateful and blessed to still have my husband, but I always had that buffer of "these things are what other people go through". I knew a day would come as we got much older where something could happen, but I felt sure that it was still YEARS away. And then, just like that, Paul was gone. One week, he was working in the garden and we were driving around town running errands together and the next week, I'm having to give my approval for him to be removed from life support and I'm sitting in a funeral home, making arrangements for him. Just like those other surviving spouses I had read about in the emails. To be totally honest, I still have moments where I stop and wonder if I'm hallucinating all of this. I can't believe it's all over, his life and my life with him, just like that.

HisWife, When my husband died last October, for the first several months, I kept everything as it was. I paid for two cell phones and kept his name on everything. After several months, I was feeling worse grief-wise (the shock was wearing off) but I mustered up every bit of courage I could to call and have the accounts switched into just my name alone. I called the electric company and explained that I needed to change the name on the account to mine since my husband had recently passed. She suddenly pipes up and says to me, "I'm sorry but I need to speak to the person whose name is on the account!" The pain I was feeling, coupled with the snide tone of her voice (and the realization that she obviously had not listened to what I told her), just sent me over the edge and I yelled at her, "Well, good luck with THAT one, honey, because he's DEAD!!! Now are you going to HELP me or NOT?" Her attitude instantly changed and she became flustered and apologetic and said she'd have to put me on hold for a second so she could find out what to do. I did manage to get that changed, but I burst into tears when I hung up. Just a week after Paul passed, I received a call on his cell phone from the eye hospital he had gone the day he had his second, major stroke. They were calling to confirm his appointment with a doctor so and so---someone he hadn't gone to and I didn't know. At first I thought it was either a scam or even a sick joke, but I told her that Paul wouldn't be going. The receptionist said to me, "Well, I need to hear that from HIM!" Again, I told her to go for it, because he was dead and if she talked to him, tell him his wife misses him. She began stuttering, stammering and apologized. Wow, even the hospital that called and told me my husband's MRIs showed he had multiple strokes didn't know what it was doing. And this is supposedly a first class, "world-renowned" eye institute. Yes, these situations never fail to amaze me.

SW, that's so sad about the email you received from that one friend. I am having a bit of trouble following the other situation---I'll assume the widow was divorced from the husband the other woman had been married to? That divorced woman remarried and THAT is the husband she lost? Making her a widow? Am I getting it right? Are even the remarried women unhappy? I think when you've been married to the love of your life, it would be difficult to find another person who comes anywhere near to what they were to you. (The older you are, the slimmer the prospects, too, perhaps.) In many cases, like mine and yours, too, Marg, our relationships evolved and grew even more solid as the years progressed. Decades. I don't know that I'd even want to put that kind of time and effort into another relationship at this point. I've read some blogs about a few older women' lives and some are widows who have found love a second time around. They're in the 70s or whatever, have decent enough health and they're busy traveling with their new partners and very happy. I wish them every happiness and all the luck in the world, because lord knows, there's enough suffering and strife already. We need to look for happiness wherever we can find it and it doesn't necessarily have to be in another relationship. I love to look at videos of baby animals doing their cute baby animal thing. That always gives me a smile and reminds me of the other things in life that are worth my time and energy. Speaking of trying to help animals, did I tell all of you that instead of selling Paul's car, I was going to donate it to the wild animal rescue Paul and I have supported for years? I was going to forego making money off it (which I could certainly use, but would not bring me the same solace as helping the animals) in exchange for doing something to honor Paul. Their web site says they take any vehicles, running or not, etc. But, when I called them, they basically turned me down (because they don't feel they'd get enough money for it at auction---that's what I was told) and sent me an email link to eBay's charity section, where I can sell it myself and a portion of the proceeds goes to my charity. That would mean I would still have to handle all the details of selling it and possibly having people turn up here wanting to "test drive" it, compromising my safety. Paul and I have donated lots of money since the 1980s to this organization and have used their services many times by bringing in injured wildlife. When he passed away, instead of flowers or services, all I asked was that people make some sort of contribution to the wildlife rescue we both supported. So, I have to admit my surprise and disappointment (and maybe some anger thrown in, as well) at their turning down the vehicle. Now, I'm in the process of researching other charities who accept vehicle donations, but a large portion has to go to the charity itself. To see how little of the money actually goes to some of these causes and instead, supports the CEO and all the others down the chain, is mind blowing. It's given me a whole new outlook on donating. If any of you donate to causes on a regular basis, you should definitely look them up on "Charity Navigator", which is a site that grades charities by how much money is routed into the programs they supply to the community as opposed to the people running the organization.

Mitch, I have not been to a Taco Bell in ages!!! Now I'm hungry for some. Wait...is that Marg's number in the window? lol Sorry, SW, I couldn't resist!

Gwen, yes, I was writing on my iPad instead of my usual computer. The tiny keyboards on the tablets and smart phones don't help the matter either! The first time I texted on my smart phone, it looked as if I was speaking Klingon! lol (I do sometimes turn the thing to the side to make the keys larger, but it still isn't that much of a difference. I'm lost without my stylus!) I must have hit the "g" with my finger instead of the "b" and didn't realize it until i submitted the post. I burst into laughter when I saw it! Yeah, that could definitely be considered TMI! Karen, that's such a great story! That's something to consider if you ever want the elevator all to yourself, too. Haha!

Hahaha!!! We have "gas" days? Sorry, I didn't mean to bring my personal issues into this. That should read: BAD days!

As usual, Marg summed it up perfectly. We have good days and we have gas days, but even when we're enjoying a laugh or talking about a movie or TV show, don't ever think for one moment that we aren't still in the worst pain of our lives. As sorry as we are that you're here, Muggs, you can talk freely about the pain and we get it. The truth is, I think we ALL feel like we're going backwards from time to time. At least I know I've felt that way. We also agreed that the reason we have such intense pain is because we were all married to the loves of our lives. Someone else on here once said that the people who didn't have the happiest of marriages aren't on here. Their grief isn't as deep and all-consuming as ours. This grief is the price we pay for having so much love and happiness with our spouses when they were here. It sucks to feel the way we do NOW but we really were so lucky to have had that kind of love.

Muggs, I looked at your profile and my husband passed away in the very same hospital where your husband was in hospice care.